Thread: When She Cried

Those beautiful, innocent eyes
They seem to haunt your mind
As she is still, silent before you
Remember all the times
You spent so close together
The longing deep within
Overwhelming all the senses
Take it in and...

"Cover your eyes,
Won't look, too frightened to see
The tears in her eyes
Are they still there?
Bringing you to your knees"

The wonderful, simplest times
When you held her tight
And time you spent, alone together
Talking through the night
Your wish could never sever,
These bonds, they will not break
Destroy all she ever wanted
With what you take

"Cover your eyes,
Won't look, too frightened to see
The tears in her eyes
Are they still there?
Bringing you to your knees"

Oh wishing, wishing
With all your heart
That time would never pull you apart
Oh hoping, hoping
With all your soul
That this pain will never take its toll

"Cover your eyes,
Won't look, too frightened to see
The tears in her eyes
Are they still there?
Bringing you to your knees"

I think I need to come back to this. Right now, as I read it,
the phrase with the most potential is the title -
when she cried: there are so many ways to build to and from there.

I don't know if it's the second person POV,
the tendency to objective telling, rather than subjective showing,
or the shifts between the natural and the broken structure,
that prevent me from really connecting to this as a song.

I'm sorry I can't offer better feedback at this point.

Maybe when I record it the structure will make more sense? I am fond of the title =) it wasn't the original tittle but I hated that one

It's hard from an outside perspective to comment much on lyrical structure, only because if you write like many write, then the melody is in your head. Words carry a set syllable length when read, but if you're drawing those words out when you sing them to yourself, then lines like "oh wishing, wishing" can cover a longer musical range when recording. I love the chorus, but I can actually pick out a melody if they went like this:

(A)"Cover your eyes
(B)Won't look, Too frightened
(A)See the tear in her eyes
(B)Are they, still there?
(C)Bringing you to your knees

If written like this, the scheme becomes more obvious in my opinion.


That being said, however, your lyrics will carry a much stronger appeal if the structure remains consistent throughout the verses.

I tend to enjoy second person POV, but I agree with cran on the objective telling. Lyrics are much strong when you involve the feelings of "you" because that allows your audience to relate to the song. Crafty lyrics, though.

Ill do a vocal recording and then maybe the format will make sense ^^ than you very much for taking the time to comment. I understand how hard it is to critque lyrics sans a melody to lay them against

Looking forward to it. I'll take a look at some of your other lyrics as well. I've been writing song lyrics for years, so it's nice to see other works.

do you have work up? I'll have to take a look

I'll have to put some up. Unfortunately, most of my work falls under the "country" genre. But I guess lyrics are lyrics, so that would be fantastic to get another opinion other than my older brother's.

As I read through the song, I had the feeling Breaking Benjamin, Augustana or Shinedown was singing this piece. Maybe Fall Out Boy. It's sort of uncanny.

Oh wishing, wishing
With all your heart
That time would never pull you apart
Oh hoping, hoping
With all your soul
That this pain will never take its toll

This, I believe, is the strongest stanza, perhaps even stronger than the chorus (which I believe to be the repeating stanzas in the quotation marks?). Just maintain the parallelism and we're good to go -- change "will" to "would" in the last line.

Thanks for the input Furhrer ^^ I appreciate, you're right though, the last will might work better as would.


(I am a very big Breaking Benjamin fan ^^)

Love the ryhmes.

Thank you Justinian =)

Has that recording happened yet?

Not that I'm hanging out to hear it or anything ... much.

Yes, yes, I recorded it but have to put it in video form in order to post it. Our computer crashed and we have to reinstall windows movie maker =P I'll get on my husband about putting the program back on tonight.


thank you for your patience

Nurse! I need more patients!