Thread: Even Your Cliches Are Cliche

there’s a whole room full of worrywarts
too stubborn to be frozen off
if winter brought its fists, they wouldn’t worry about their skin

no use for guessing games
need to be spoonfed hurricanes
wish the world could be a picture book or any magazine

let it go

if we walk a mile in their shoes
wouldn’t we be out of breath?
it’s easier to stare at the wall
when it won’t stare back this time

wait

read this one
and listen to me for personality

somewhere there’s a reservoir
full of spilled milk we need to mourn
but wouldn’t it be better to just let it spoil?

no use for waiting games
when hot air feels like novacaine
this world built without words, has a new surplus of thought balloons

let it in

if we walk a mile in their shoes
wouldn’t we be out of breath?
it’s easier to stare at the wall
when it won’t stare back this time
open the windows and lock the doors
best to watch, don’t get involved
it’s easier to stare at the suckers
when they have more to worry about

these are the geese...
these are the vultures...
the early birds
hear tales from the worms
eat up the snake
your reputation's at stake

if we walk a mile in their shoes
wouldn’t we be out of breath?
it’s easier to stare at the wall
when it won’t stare back this time
open the windows and lock the doors
best to watch, don’t get involved
it’s easier to stare at the suckers
when they have more to worry about

let it out

pretty deep

Capitalize, organize structure properly, use punctuation etc.

If you aren't bothered to give your work some form of symmetrical beauty then I'm not bothered to read it.

That being said, there are some good lines, but the start strikes me mostly as metaphor and imagery for the sake of metaphor and imagery, and the pieces mood/imagery doesn't flow very well, it starts off sort of whimsical and fairy tail-ish and slowly becomes more serious, then a slightly dark verse and then half serious.

Best advice? Read some good lyrics, see how imagery follows through and the feel of the lyrics is consistent and what changes there are flow smoothly due to good use of the proper volcabulary.

I agree with Mystery. And please change the title.

I agree with the other posters about format. There are some really great lyrics "spoonfed hurricanes" "frozen off warts", but I think the lyrics tend to drift and the emotion is hard to gather. I'm not even sure what the overlying message is because the tone changes too often.

Not to be rude, but your spelling mistakes and structure are what's cliche around here. Change the name of the poem, it's pretentious.

First of all, I love the name of the song. My name, Rank Zero, is actually the name of my band. Your a great lyricist. I also write songs, and your stuff is deep and heart touching. my fav line is the spoon fed hurricanes part. You should continue in your writing and, if you don't already, learn guitar or piano, share your music with the others around you. also it'll get you some girls