Thread: Xin

Xin

Just a moment longer and I'll take you to where I was made
Between forgotten halves where each light is frozen still by shade
Where these paths will take me I know not but I will find someone
And if it's you again I'll be one breath from coming undone

So you see
Life is not the mystery
What to do
That's the question I ask you
Find me please
Before I catch the hope disease
It's that face
You make that I can't erase
Lost again
Out amongst the times I bend
It's so slow
Your last touch before you go

I'm begging you
To break this pattern while you can
Just say it 'cause
It's silence that I cannot stand
Got vacancies
This smile just needs to find its home
Do come aboard
'Cause changes don't get made alone

Nice...what does the title mean?

Between forgotten halves where each light is frozen still by shade( still, breaks the flow a bit here)

According to trustworthy Google Translate, xin means 'please' in Vietnamese. Why Vietnamese in particular, Moonxw?

The rhythm is good in the second part of the poem, but the first four lines are lengthy in how they are read as well as their actual length, and so I can't imagine how they would be sung to fit a beat.

Where these paths will take me I know not but I will find someone

I don't think you need 'know not'. It's not a modern way of saying 'do not know', and the lyrics are written in a modern-style English. All you need there is 'I do not know'.

There isn't any punctuation in this, other than apostrophes, which makes it difficult to read. Just because they are lyrics doesn't mean necessary pauses don't need to be noted with a comma or other punctuation. The quote above is an example of this. The line could benefit from a comma before 'but'.

Other than what I mentioned the piece has good pace, depth and meaning without being too much like a poem, though not substituting poetic flow. Another job well done, Moonxw!

Thanks. The first four lines were meant to be shot off really quick, hence the length. The rest proceeds in a more song-like manner. This is actually the second time I've received a request for punctuation on this particular piece, so I guess I'll keep that in mind for later pieces. I almost never punctuate anything, except when I deliberately try to create a desired effect. It's just a habit more than anything.

Close, but not quite. Xin is actually Chinese, for "Heart." The reason I use that is because that just happens to be the one other language I'm halfway decent with, and I liked the effect. Looks like Google Translator needs an upgrade? ;]