Thread: Wonderland

This is an old soft rock ballad I wrote back in middle school and recently found in the dark corners of my laptop. I would like a few critiques on improving this song because, well I admit it is a little rough around the edges. This song I wrote as sort of a love theme between two of my novel characters and may consider using part of this in the book since one character in the romantic relationship is a musician and I sort of picture him writing a similar song to cheer up his love.
Here it is

They tell us it ain’t meant to be

They all try to tear us apart

Tell us it ain’t right

Ooh-ooh, I wanna run away

Just you and me

I wanna run away from the world I know

Where no one understands us

I’m gonna break away

With you at my side

For the rest of my life

I wanna spend it in WonderLand with you

We’ll run to where we both belong

Chorus- And you won’t have to lie no more

It’ll just be you and me

In Wonderland

I’d bleed for you

I’d fall a thousand stories

To show how I feel

But they tell me that our love ain’t right

I don’t wanna hide it

Anymore

Anymore!

-Chorus-

We were meant to be together

No matter what they say

Come on, let’s just break apart, break away

Pretend we can fly

And no one would notice

We’d be free to be together

No more hiding anymore

Oh-no, no, no, no

-chorus-

We’d be free to be

Who we are

Together forever

In my Wonderland

Oh-whoa, whoa-oh

It reminds me of 'Livin' on a Prayer', the Bon Jovi classic. It has the same sort of theme.

In Wonderland
I’d bleed for you
I’d fall a thousand stories
To show how I feel

This is good, and is a powerful symbol.

What is the general problem here is that this kind of language is used very commonly. Phrases like:

They tell us it ain’t meant to be
They all try to tear us apart
Tell us it ain’t right

And

It’ll just be you and me

What has always seemed to work well in a song is telling a story. It allows you to be different, without just expressing how you feel in the same usual way that can bore to death. Since I mentioned Livin' On a Prayer, I'll use an example. The classic "Tommy used to work on the docks. The union's been on strike. He's down on his luck, it's tough". Already it is an interesting song because it is different, and tells a story.

For any love song, I'd suggest taking this approach. The classics that have done this (Hotel California, American Pie, etc.)

Hope it works out well! Be sure to post the end edited result.

Thank you very much for your input, it has really helped.
I went ahead and edited my song, and it turned out vastly different than the original. I think I sort of realized this is a little song a teenage guy is making up on his guitar and so I tried to clean up what I thought sounded too professional. I attempted to use some of your tips.
I was hearing Jon Bon Jovi sing this as I typed.

So hear it is
(guitar intro)
The world’s been cruel to the two of us
And sometimes we wonder if we’re worth the hurt

It’s been a long time and we’ve stuck together
Despite the odds, we’re still together
The world’s been closing in
And no one seems to understand

Sometimes we want to run away
Sometimes we want to cry
The world’s been tough, people can be cruel

(There’s a place that we belong, where we won’t have to hide no more
A place where we can be alone
Just you and me in a wonderland- chorus)

You know I’d bleed for you
And fall a thousand stories just to show you how I feel
I’m playing on a dusty guitar
And hoping this song will lift your spirits up

The world outside just don’t understand
That we belong together
We hide ourselves away and wish that this could change

(chorus)

Can a song make you smile, can a song show you what I mean?
I’m playing on a dusty guitar
And hoping this will lift your spirits up

(chorus)

This is hugely improved, mochastain. You really have worked on this, eh? I think if you leave this piece - like you did when you dug it up - and find it again in a few weeks, months, maybe even years, you will be able to add little improvements, and over time you could have a truly breathtaking piece of music on your hands. At the moment it's showing real signs of potential, but I think seeing it from a new perspective (like when left over time) will help the song push through that potential and be great.

Good luck!