Thread: Loner

Drink so much a day
Nothing could ever heal this pain
Let me phone and say...
I miss you so much you're where I remain

Got a lot of depression today
It's been two months and I still feel the same
Dad is there any other way...
Come on now son you've only yourself to blame

(Chorus)
I'm such a loner
Why won't anyone help me out
So i'm a moaner
It's not my fault if I can't help but shout

My life is getting worse
If I don't think of you i'll see you at some club
Everything just fucking hurts
None of my mates visit me they stay at the pub

The day starts without a fuss
Woke up with a hangover on the side of a curb
I can't even begin to curse
Why do you phone me when you know i'll hang up

(Chorus)
I'm such a loner
Why won't anyone help me out
So i'm a moaner
It's not my fault if I can't help but shout

I'm such a loner
Why won't anyone help me out
So i'm a moaner
It's not my fault if I can't help but shout

I'm such a loner...

Well, the subject of the song is abudantly clear, but the message....annoys me, but that's just me. The person in the song is just unlikable, but as far as the writing goes it's simple, but not neccessarily bad. I think the chorus could use a bit of tweaking though, maybe it's just your word choice but I don't like it.

Hi, patrick. New to this board (usually hang out in Poetry) but think in lyrics you have poetic "notes". Think Leanord Cohen (even published a book of poetry). I like what you've written but have some different ideas for your chorus. Just to run a little more smoothly. Hope you don't mind me taking the liberty. Laurie

I'm such a loner
Someone help me out
Yeah, i'm a moaner
It's not my fault
Just can't help but shout

I'm such a loner
I'm such a loner...

Patrick, I like the piece... I have no real issues with the subject, tone, or manner of expression. The presentation of the piece depends largely on the music..... Music + lyric = song I would not recommend any specific changes until the music is added and then you would know what the peice requires......

In response a bit to a comment regarding poetry/lyrics above. I have said this numerous times, lyrics are a form of poetic verse. In other words lyrics are poems but poems are not necessarily lyrics. Lyrics are metered as poetry should be. This, of course, is my opinion and I am in complete agreement with Frost that poetry without a meter is like "playing tennis without a net."

Fondly,
Miriam