Thread: River of Ashes

River of Ashes

Verse I

The sun is shining on your palace walls
You dine on all of the finest cuisine
The wine is great, luxury all around
Your pockets are the richest shade of green.

Verse II

You horded the money and stole the aid
To expand your empire from rise to set.
But take a look over your palace walls
And see what you’ve left for everyone else.

Chorus

I see nothing but a wave of poverty and disease,
An ocean choked with years of dead bodies,
A sea of violence and bright lights flashing
And a country drowning in a river of ashes.

Verse III

But you don’t care that you can end the pain
And lend a hand to redeem the land
Because you have the most contagious disease
That makes it impossible to understand.

Verse IV
Maybe someday you will receive a cure
Then your conscience will be brought back to life
And you’ll care to look beyond your own walls
To behold everything that you have done.

(Chorus)

Perhaps a little bit too literal and the line 'several swords clashing' is too archaic an image, but the idea is good and it's well written.

That being said, alot of lines are fairly jarring. Such as 'buy a jet', which is waay to literal and ordinary compared with what you had in the first verse. 'Lend a big hand' seems clunky and the internal rhyme of that line is an obvious difference to the rest of the work. 'Witness the effects' too seems an unwieldly phrase.

T.W., As usual, thank you for your responses. I have made some edits to this post based on your comments. Hopefully they fit better. Thanks again!

Much better man, *thumbs up*