Thread: I've got

(First song. Comments/suggestions would definitely be appreciated.)

I've got an eager ambition and a will to succeed
And a map of pure thought placed in front of me
I've got a set of old keys that I found on a stroll
the intuition and speed of an outlaws soul

And I might not make it very far, but anywhere's better than here
And who in the hell ever said I was one -to differ a day from a year?

I've bundled the memories, which I'll carry by back
With my infinite troubles I have yet to unpack
I've got the moonlight and stars to humble my soul
I've got my sanity, my strength, and my rock'n'roll'

Time's just an illusion as far as I see
So I drove to the fields to set myself free
But cheers to those suckers who've stayed behind,
to the misery, and commonplace of mankind

I might not make it very far, but anywhere's better than here
And who in the hell ever said I was one -to differ a day from a year?

This railroad track is all I need
Cause freedom and dirt is the blood I bleed
I've got my mind made up to make a new start
To make the best of this life, with a jaded heart.

And I might not make it very far, but I still might reach the promiseland
Still I'll reach the promiseland.

Man, it's so hard for me to critique a song without the music and a voice....I think we should have a section for that....you know....members singing and playing...I enjoyed it when Joe would sing and play...and I know for sure we have another member, (name shall remain anonymous but it starts with a S and ends with two tiny little g's)that is great with a guitar, lol...wonder how many more of us are talented in this area?

I agree! I haven't even written down or even processed it's melody yet, just have the lyrics, which will hopefully bring some sort of inspiration to the tune.

It´s great lyrics. I like your life attitude in verse: "And I might not make it very far, but anywhere's better than here"
it´s close to mine "Better go and fail then stay on the same place" Nice one!

Haha, everything I write's extremely personal, so thank you very very much.

Originally Posted by Emily Allison

everything I write's extremely personal.

and that´s right! I think the best lyrics are personal. Not when you try copy or plan some lyrics to write. For me the best lyrics are made when you write from your heart and your soul and write what you feel no matter what other will say.
So keep on writing extremely personal.

I definitely agree, and will! Thank you. :]

I love the third line and the randomness of its thinking compared to the first two, then the last of that verse reflects the emotional nature of the first rather than the more practical second. It is worth considering structures like this and seeing if you can repeat them in the following verses, your listeners may not catch on consciously but it does have an effect. Songs are not like poems, they shoot past and you can not re-read and retrieve them so instantly grasped thoughts (like that third line) and repetition are effective. In a pop song that can mean simple words repeated over and over, but I hope you appreciate that is not what I am implying here.

The piece is fine but do look at the meter again.... Although you may not have a melody in mind I hear it as a country song. "And I might not make it very far, but anywhere's better than here ". I played with this very concept back in 2007 and posted it on here when I first joined WF but I was using picking up a dropped thread as a metaphor not finding a set old keys in my piece and "movin’ on to anywhere, just far away from this place this place called no place” ......but my piece was not personal in nature. A piece is neither good nor bad merely because it is personal. I find writing within the context of a character to be more worthwhile and allows one to explore a wider range of subjects as well as emotions. It is also very helpful if one has the ability to empathize when one is a writer as this expands ones range of emotions as well.

Below is your meter...The number at the end of each line is the meter count for that line and a total count after each verse... I can see having an occasional silent beat. I suggest tightening you meter up... Not sure if one of these is meant as a bridge regardless this reads as a country song either way to my ear.... If you don't have a melody in mind think country at least that's what I hear...meter=beat= note Try singing the piece you might then get a melody... I hear one but I tend to hear one when I write lyrics.. I would change the title....my opinion the first time I read it last year along with this meter issue......... I would double and triple check my numbers here as I am very tired and rather prone to typing errors of all sorts.... )

I've got an eager ambition and a will to succeed (14)
And a map of pure thought placed in front of me (10)
I've got a set of old keys that I found on a stroll (13)
the intuition and speed of an outlaws soul (12 )
(Verse= 49 beats)

And I might not make it very far, but anywhere's better than here
And who in the hell ever said I was one -to differ a day from a year?

I've bundled the memories, which I'll carry by back (13)
With my infinite troubles I have yet to unpack (13)
I've got the moonlight and stars to humble my soul (12)
I've got my sanity, my strength, and my rock'n'roll' (13)
(Verse=51 beats )

Time's just an illusion as far as I see (11)
So I drove to the fields to set myself free (11)
But cheers to those suckers who've stayed behind, (10)
to the misery, and commonplace of mankind (12)
(Verse=44 beats)

I might not make it very far, but anywhere's better than here
And who in the hell ever said I was one -to differ a day from a year?

This railroad track is all I need 8
Cause freedom and dirt is the blood I bleed 10
I've got my mind made up to make a new start 11
To make the best of this life, with a jaded heart. 12
(verse=41 beats)

And I might not make it very far, but I still might reach the promiseland
Still I'll reach the promiseland.