GnomesAmok

it was an empty promise but,
it sure was filled with hope
it was a river to sail on but,
it wasn't made for you to float
i may have got carried away
but no way was i alone
we both waded against the current but,
how could we have known?

that further down the river somewhere
someone was splashing their asses off
and playing marco polo, playing games with
no regard for the current growing strong
so we swam on!
on into the dawn
and when the sun came up behind my bare back
i looked back, you were gone
so i carried on!
not even for long
but it was enough to take me miles away from
those few things i'd lost
dear god, what the fuck
have i given up?
oh, what the fuck
raging waters are just too much

for my humble vessel
i like to sit in the same spot
for hours on end i like to suspend from a rod my thoughts
and reel them in when im content that theyve hung there long enough

to be worth the trouble
i like to watch the sun slowly drop
but you, you'd criticize the moon for taking all day to show up
goddamn ive had enough

goddamn ive had enough
but do i mean it for once?
i want to float and swim at the same time
i want to be like a duck
because they don't give a fuck
where the rivers going
it doesnt influence them
when the current rears its ugly head
they spread their wings say so long to the dead
swimming along, motionless
drifting off into the black abyss
where we all know every river that runs is destined to end up.

T.W. North

Awesome beggining and then it starts to fuck itself up the ass. Try again man.

Gnomes Amok

You know North, just because you didn't like it doesn't mean I have to 'try again'. Their just my words. I think it would be more productive if you explained where you think it "fucks itself up the ass"

Mystery

Goddamn I haven't laughed so hard in ages

It's a pretty good piece but not like some of the ones your churned out before Gnomes, you can do better, so I'll encourage you to do so.

"and playing marco polo, playing games with
no regard for the current growing strong
so we swam on!"

Stuff like that could use some tidying up so that it flows more smoothly.

__________________
Let's drown all our sorrows and we'll be gone till tomorrow...

Dies Irae, Dies Ilia, Solvet Saeclum In Favilla...

Yes, must still shut up.

Gnomes Amok

You just have to sing it a certain way, Mystery, and it flows fine. That line is the one that stands out the most continuity wise. Read it again, real fast and I think you'll get the idea of what it is (the whole song that is). The flows sticks together throughout the whole thing

I'm completely amazed that you have liked any of my other shit, and here you're saying I can do better with THIS one. This is my favorite song that I've ever written. This is the only one I've written that I don't think is dirt, let me explain

Telling me that it "fucks itself up the ass" is probably the one thing you could've said to give me the most confidence in it. I'm tired of lyrics that sit comfortably in your head

The whole point is that it doesn't mesh with your thought process. You probably don't like the splashing asses off, or any of the stuff involving the duck, or what the fuck, but thats exactly why its there, the absurd wording put to a sing songy rhythm is more entertaining for me dreaming of performing it then you could probably imagine

T.W. North

For me, its just that the first verse actually meant something. Then it turned into what looked very strongly like a stream of consciousness, cut into pieces. I mean, if that's what you're intending, thats fine. But it doesn't make it good in my eyes. Being different is fine, but being different just for the heck of it is dumb.

Gnomes Amok

Well you're exactly right, a stream of consciousness was the idea it sprang from, and while that aim alone may not make it good, does that mean it's bad? Does it make it better if I abandon trying to take a different direction for fear of ending up somewhere not quite as ideal, or is it better that I gave being different a try, not just for the heck of it, but the sake of feeling something new?

Mystery

Not going to argue with you, have it your way.

__________________
Let's drown all our sorrows and we'll be gone till tomorrow...

Dies Irae, Dies Ilia, Solvet Saeclum In Favilla...

Yes, must still shut up.

T.W. North

...I never said give up looking in different directions. I said this particular one ain't working.

Gnomes Amok

Well you also havn't said anything about how to improve it, changes that could be made or specific details on what doesn't work for you and why. So that's great if it "ain't working", but just talking about how much you don't like it is a waste of your time and mine.

T.W. North

I'd improve it by scrapping it and starting again. It really needs a complete renovation.

Gnomes Amok

How to improve it was only one of the things I mentioned, and it was obvious I meant for you to cite specific things that you felt were issues and why so that I could use your criticism for anything remotely constructive, seeing that as it stands I can use it for nothing.

T.W. North

There is nothing specific I can give you. The whole thing just doesn't mesh. I crit depending on the best course of action, and it purely needs a re-write in my opinion. Nothing specific at all.