Hopeless Case - Writers Forum

SparkyLT · 07-12-2008, 06:11 PM

just wrote this one and decided to post it right away before I decide I hate it...

Hopeless Case

---

Wandering

Not sure where I belong.

Crying

Don’t wanna sing this song…

Praying

Someone’ll come along

To pick my pieces up off the floor

To dust me off, help me find a door

To help me live, and breath again

To be here for me, to be a friend

---

Thought I’d found my place

Now I’m alone

Thought I didn’t have to hide my face

But I was wrong

Feel like a hopeless case

I’m on my own

I’m afraid I can’t feel anymore

But I use my fear to reassure

If I can fear then I can feel

But sense is something I ignore.

There’s nothing here, no one’s around

There’s not an echo of a distant sound

No one here

When I hit the ground

Around fiery hair a ring of blood

The little puddle seems like a flood

I cry on her though I don’t knew her face

She’s just another hopeless case

---

I’m

Wandering

Not sure where I belong.

Crying

Don’t wanna sing this song…

Praying

Someone’ll come along

To pick my pieces up off the floor

To dust me off, help me find a door

To help me live, and breath again

To be here for me, to be a friend

---

They’ll be to me as I to her

My life will pass and be a blur

I’ll fall down and rise no more

They’ll look at me and read my face:

I’m just another hopeless case.

Gnomes Amok · 07-12-2008, 11:56 PM

Around fiery hair a ring of blood
The little puddle seems like a flood

That is the best part of this song. Its the most originial, creative and insightful fourteen words out of the whole thing. I love it. That being said, the rest of it is pretty terrible.

Find what feeling led you to come up with lines like that, and soak in it. Take the rest of that cliched garbage and put it where it belongs; out of your mind.

The reason that line is so wonderful is the authenticity of the imagery, its talking about one small puddle of tragedy that in our own privately defined world becomes a flood, indiscriminately destructive. The rest, 'fiery hair' 'ring of blood' are words that work well together, icing on the cake. Bood puddle and blood all sounds nice thanks to assonance at work there, find lyrical power in assonance and other different aspects of rhyming and run with it.

Okay, let me rehash a little, the ENTIRE rest of it is not garbage: but theres so much garbage there it stinks up the whole thing enough that i judged it as such. You clearly have something that stounds out in your ability to string words together and inspire emotion..

but you NEED to grow. and you will.

if your looking for examples of garbage:

To pick my pieces up off the floor
To dust me off, help me find a door

the wording is nice, but FLOOR and DOOR is a very obvious display of grasping at words, this song did not even have anything to with a building, not even a metaphysical "place" before you came up with this "door". incorporate a certain amount of rationality in your thinking, before you shake it up with craziness, and youll find it does wonders for your writing

SparkyLT · 07-18-2008, 07:14 PM

rationality did not exist when i wrote this. I was mad and scared and stupid and depressed and I only put the chorus in there afterwards, when I decided I might actually be able to do something with this shit.

that cliched garbage does not belong out of my head, I have to deal with it. denying depression will only make it worse. it's in my family and I can deal with and I will deal with it. it's not something I will fucking outgrow.

honestly the one part you liked, you read too much into. there's nothing deep about it at all. a girl shot herself in the street and blood is pooling around her head, and the only one who notices is me, because I see that I share her future. that's all I'm saying.

sorry if I'm coming off as snappish. I'm still ticked.