Greatest joke of All Time? - Writers Forum

spider8 · 06-26-2008, 04:58 AM

I recently read in a magazine article that this is arguably the greatest joke of all time:
A burglar breaks into a house in the middle of the night and goes into the lounge, where he begins opening drawers. He hears a strange, other-worldly voice say 'Jesus is watching you'. He looks around in the dark and decides, because of the quality of the voice, that it was his imagination. He continues feeling about in the drawers and then again hears 'Jesus is watching you'. He switches on his torch and sees a parrot on a perch in the corner. He says 'Hello, pretty Polly. What's your name?' After a moment the parrot sqwawks 'lucifer'. The burglar says 'What kind of lunatic calls his parrot Lucifer?' the parrot replies 'The same kind of lunatic that calls his rotweiller Jesus.'
Okay, if you don't agree, post a better one.

Intel · 06-26-2008, 05:04 AM

Two catholic monks are worshipping side by side in a church. One looks up to the sky and proclaims "Lord! I am nothing compared to your glory. See that I am nothing in your presence".

The second monk looks up to the sky and screams "I am nothing! I am nothing!".

The sweeper, being moved by this whole event falls to his knees and proclaims "I am nothing! I am nothing!"

The first monk looks on disapprovingly at the sweeper and remarks to the second monk, "Just who does he think he is, saying that he is nothing?"

ash somers · 06-26-2008, 05:15 AM

k3ng · 06-26-2008, 06:18 AM

Nice one intel.

aspiretowrite · 06-26-2008, 08:25 AM

This is my all time favourite;

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair,while tying the girlto the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goesinto the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband
tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds:

"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

PageOfCups · 06-26-2008, 08:28 AM

aspiretowrite, that is the best joke I've heard in ages!

The Hack · 06-26-2008, 08:32 AM

A man walks into his house, holding a duck under his arm. He hears his wife in the bedroom and walks in, all resolute, and says, "honey, this is the pig I've been screwing".

His wife looks at him for a second before responding, "you idiot, that's not a pig, it's a duck".

The man shoots back at his wife, "I wasn't talking to you".

aspiretowrite · 06-26-2008, 08:56 AM

I've been trying to watch a film called The Aristocrats - apparently it is a documentary about the world's comedians all telling what is considered to be the rudest joke in the world. Does anybody know what the joke is and is it any good?

The Hack · 06-26-2008, 09:03 AM

The Aristocrats is a very unfunny joke, IMO.

Ben · 06-26-2008, 09:08 AM

Don't you guys know how dangerous the world's funniest joke can be?

YouTube - Funniest joke in the world

tucanbundy · 06-26-2008, 09:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aspiretowrite

I've been trying to watch a film called The Aristocrats - apparently it is a documentary about the world's comedians all telling what is considered to be the rudest joke in the world. Does anybody know what the joke is and is it any good?

The Aristocrats is an improvised joke.It's usually like a family going into a talent agency.They do an act, and whoever's telling the joke makes up the act as they go along.The point is to make it as disgusting, stupid, and offensive as possible.The talent agent asks what the act is called and the family go "The Aristocrats!"

I have my own version of the joke in my story.I posted it in another thread but it got removed.

I don't think it's nearly as fun to listen to as it is to tell.

PageOfCups · 06-26-2008, 09:46 AM

XD Monty Python is awesome.

GooGooMuck · 06-26-2008, 07:19 PM

An old man is sitting on his porch one day when he sees this young boy walk by dragging a bunch of fishing line behind him. He says to the boy, "Hey kid! What're you doing dragging around all that fishing line?" The boy looks over at the old man and says: "I'm going fishing." Confused, the old man responds: "You ain't gonna catch any fish with just line, kid. You need a pole and some bait and..." The boy interrupts: "Just you wait, old man. I'll be walking by again in a few hours with a couple dozen fish on this line." The old man waits on his porch and, surprisingly, the boy comes walking by again about three hours later with tons of fish attached to the line. The next day the old man is sitting on his porch and the boy walks by again, this time dragging a bunch of chicken wire behind him. He says to the boy, "Hey kid! What're you doing dragging around all that chicken wire?" The boy looks over at the old man and says: "I'm gonna go catch some chickens." The old man responds: "Chicken wire ain't for catching chickens, kid. You use it to build a coop and keep the chickens from..." The boy interrupts: "Just you wait old man. I'll be walking by again in a couple hours with a couple dozen chickens on this wire." The old man waits on his porch, and sure enough, about three hours later the boy comes walking by again with a bunch of chickens caught in the wire. The next day, the old man is sitting on his porch and the boy walks by again, this time dragging a bunch of pussy willows behind his back. The old man stands up and says: "Wait a second, kid! Let me go get my coat; I'm coming with you!"

A-L · 06-26-2008, 08:01 PM

Lol, that was a good one.

James Antony · 06-27-2008, 07:47 AM

There's a couple of statues that have stood by the side of each other in this old park for hundreds of years, gazing into each other's eyes. They are both young despite their stone age, one of them male, the other female. Of course, if they were real, you could tell the two would be a couple, you can see the love in their stone dead faces.
Now one day, an angel appears from the sky. He waves his magic wand and at once, the two statues come to life.
'You two have been such exemplary statues.' He tells them. 'You've been so wonderful over the past 261 years, that I've granted you half an hour of freedom! For just 30 minutes, you can do whatever you want to do!'
And so, the male and female statues excitedly ran into the bushes holding each other's hands....
They later emerged, with huge grins on their faces, and gazed up at the angel. 'You've still got 15 minutes left' he told them, after looking at his watch. And so, the female statue turned to the male one and said
'Great! Now this time, you hold the pidgeon down, and I'll s**t in it's face!'