Has anyone else ever had these feelings? - Writers Forum

Sock · 08-13-2007, 02:18 AM

I don't know if anyone here would care to answer this, but this is really the only forum I belong to, and regularly visit. My question is about my recent mental state and whether these feelings are normal or not. I am not in a state of suicidal depression, so I ensure you that this isn't an angsty teen boo fest, wherein I contemplate life or death. I am a fifteen year old boy, however, if that matters.

I just ask to please read this whole post before drawing any assumptions as I do tend to sounds like a douche bag along the way.

I know this sounds very arrogant but it is relevant to my problem: I am regarded as an intelligent and intellectual kid by many of my peers. And by this I mean, if they were asked to explain me, they would say "He is really smart". The people who comment on my intelligence are mostly girls who I have shared a few "intelectual" conversations with.

(I really felt like an ass writing that last paragraph. I mean, I'm self absorbed, but not THAT self absorbed)

Anyway, enough of that. My problem is that I have recently began to question every "intelectual" standpoint I have ever supported and adopted as my own. I started to contemplate whether any REAL emotion was put behind them at all, any real passion.

When I stripped away these ideologies I realized there was nothing aside from them. No "passion" no driving, steadfast support that surpassed that hollow intelectual shell.

I am now left doubting everything I thought I believed in. I feel naked without my intelectual armor, like I have nothing to offer anyone any more. I feel as though I have conned people into thinking I was an "intelectual" and in doing so, I conned myself. I am ashamed and I have no idea who I am. I am afraid I let my intellect define me, instead of my human personality.

I guess the biggest fear though, is that it is impossible for me to ever really care about anything. Ever. I have developed a very nihilistic view of the world. I feel like I have been robbed of all my human characteristic, having been raised in such a strange, unnatural society that does not place importance on genuine, raw, passion and humanity.

I appologize if this all seems very forced and dramatic, but it is real. It's all I can think about and it is driving me mad, if I'm not already there.

I would really appreciate if anyone could please give me some insight into this problem!

Mystery · 08-13-2007, 02:52 AM

Welcome to being a teenager, I have one tip of advice.

Stop lying to yourself.

"I guess the biggest fear though, is that it is impossible for me to ever really care about anything. Ever. I have developed a very nihilistic view of the world. I feel like I have been robbed of all my human characteristic, having been raised in such a strange, unnatural society that does not place importance on genuine, raw, passion and humanity."

The only thing that keeps you from caring is your conscious, you are human, you have the ability to change, if you have time to think of this kind of stuff, then you have the time to change into something you like.

Sock · 08-13-2007, 03:27 AM

I don't mean to be challenging but, how does one become "something they like"? Couldn't we agree that me trying to "become something I like" is what got me in this situation in the first place?.

I mean, the reason I became so pseudointelectual and phony was because I was pursuing the life I wanted to live. But the life I wanted to live, wasn't my life. And it wasn't me. So it all fell apart. I may be a complete rambling ass and if so, I'm sorry. I'm just very mixed up, and I feel like everything I say is complete nonsensical bullshit.

You may be right, and maybe this is just some lame fuck-around, and I should get over myself. But I can't, as sad as that may be.

I am ranting. sorry.

lin · 08-13-2007, 03:29 AM

Hi Sock.
Do NOT pay any attention to the shit above. Ignore it. You get crap like that on the internet.

You're not nuts. You're having a rough spot. What you are describing is the sort of angst-driven depression that trouble a lot of intelligent, well-off young people.

You've got it all, but aren't happy, so you must be a loser. Your thinking is separated from your feelings so both must be out of kilter. You're starting to see society and it's unfamiliar, so it must be un-natural. You've got a zit on your nose, so God must hate you.

Kidding about the last one. Look, there is a lot of "skin-shedding" that goes on in growth. Not everybody goes through it. Not everybody grows all that much. How many people actually examine their assumptions? Ditch their idelogies?

Those who do can find things pretty hollow and scary without the structures. Probably you will start building up new ones that suit you. That do allow you to express your passions.

It would not be a good idea to interpret your remarks here too much, or give advice. I think it's impressive that you can articulate this thing, rather than just creeping out. And that you would post it in public. Do you feel that just doing that changes the way you feel to some extent?

There is a chance that you are actually depressed in some emotional or medical way. It's worth talking to somebody about. Ruling out, if nothing else. It's also worth talking about what you posted here to friends, teachers, girls (they LOVE that stuff) or anybody you feel you have a link with.

It might be a good idea to start notebooking.

Getting laid might help, but brings its own set of problems

Basically, hang in. The good news is the maximum sentence for being fifteen is only one year.

biggles · 08-13-2007, 03:31 AM

I had an aunt who committed suicide. She was menopausal- that wasn't the actual reason but it was the discerning factor that pushed her over the edge.Hormones can do weird and wonderful things to your way of thinking.
You might want to treat yourself like a lab rat for a moment and ask yourself why you are feeling so at odds with yourself. You come into a writing forum so why not express those feelings? As you are now but also
in poetry or prose. Remove yourself from the equation through self expression and while you're at it I suggest you force yourself to run around the block more than a few times. Or put yourself in a less dangerous position than trying to kill yourself by taking on an extreme activity such as performing before a live audience or climbing an incredibly monstrous hill.
If you can a retain a sense of humour and perspective you are more likely
to survive the onslaught of self doubt and doom.
If it is really getting bad, and this forum of advice sucks- just remember there are people in the world who would rather be mad than starve and die a torturous death. Think of others who don't have your luck and ability to
analyse the meaning of life.

lin · 08-13-2007, 03:37 AM

You're not ranting. There is no reason to assume you are "lying to yourself". Forget that post, it's asshole talk.

And consider this. You seem to be engaged in trying to become less phony. That speaks well of you.

Benjamin Franklin said, "Habit is habit and can't be thrown out the window. It must be coaxed down the stairs a little at a time."

Stopping being something you don't like isn't easy, but you are lucky to be starting young. It's like smoking: the longer you fuck up, the harder it is to stop and the more damage it does.

Let me leave you with something else here. Are your really "pseudo" intellectual? Or are you actually an intelligent person whose main interests are things of the intellect?

In other words, don't be harder on yourself than necessary.

If I could replay my high school years I would do more sports, more music, more things to round out my entire organism, instead of being all wrapped up in my head. And the idiot games I played to try to deal with chicks.

My guess is...and just a guess...if you are really hurting a couple of weeks from now you probably should talk to somebody about ruling out something a professional could help you with... but my guess is that you're moving into a good position to take charge of yourself and that the "ground zero" you're experiencing at the moment is a clearing house from which you can build.

biggles · 08-13-2007, 03:38 AM

And by the way , it's perfectly normal to be depressed and want to die regardless of your age or position!
LOL

lin · 08-13-2007, 03:41 AM

Quote:

it's perfectly normal to be depressed and want to die

I feel I should say something about that statement, but just can't figure out what it would be

biggles · 08-13-2007, 03:44 AM

I know it's not funny but I have to laugh because I've had these feelings MANY times.

biggles · 08-13-2007, 03:46 AM

it's a normal state isn't it? just not something you'd wish upon yourself forever- it goes in W A v E S

biggles · 08-13-2007, 03:50 AM

Don't bloody kill yourself - if you do everyone that notices will just feel as depressed as you do for a millisec and then continue on- it's not worth it.
I say while you are in this life you may as well go on the ride and see what happens. If you are dead you can't bloody well see much of anything and no1 will care so why put in the effort? Live your life and enjoy the ride.

Sock · 08-13-2007, 04:01 AM

Thanks a lot, to both of you. I really appreciate it. Although I don't quite feel that I have shaken this feeling, your words really put things into perspective and helped me to see the whole situation objectively, instead of trying to figure it all out with my head still in a knot.

I can sense that you were both probably very similar to me when you were my age, and that means a lot. You also gave me a nice laugh. Thanks again.

btw, my aunt committed suicide as well. So I have witnessed first hand the aftermath (it drove my father into depression/alcoholism). Because of that, I have decided that no matter how shitty things get, I'm not going to do that. Too selfish. Everyone who knew my aunt somehow found a way to blame themselves. I certainly wouldn't want to make anyone think I blew my brains out because of them.

Rumrunner · 08-13-2007, 04:06 AM

You know, there are often times when I don't agree with Lin, but every so often he comes up with a gem of real, solid advice that hits the nail on the head. This is one of those times.

You're certainly not crazy or anything; I think this is something everyone goes through to a greater or lesser degree. Hell, I'm 26 and I still feel that way. I'm not going to promise you it'll get better - 'cause from where I'm standing I'm not sure of that myself - but hang in there and keep at it all the same. Pour it into your writing. You might get angsty teen crap for a while, but you'll be writing, and your writing will improve in the long run because of it - that's something to look forward to, isn't it?

Cheers,

Rumrunner

biggles · 08-13-2007, 04:14 AM

RUN AROUND THE BLOCK- I DARE YOU

Cornish Maid · 08-13-2007, 07:51 AM

You're not going crazy and I don't think you're depressed either.

In my opinion you're on the beginning of a voyage of self discovery. You're learning to be who you really are and not just going with the flow of your peers and their opinions; you're developing your own which is good.
Sometimes people go through this without realising it while others (like yourself) notice the change.
You're doing alright and I wouldn't worry about it.

Best wishes.