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I'm making this post because I need to rant. I need to show this to someone. I need someone to clarify this for me.
Here I've included a snippet of the essay I'm currently working on for school. I've also included a journal entry I made today.
First, read the portion of my essay I've included. Second, read my journal entry, which I wrote with intense fervor. (As you read it, you'll see why.)
Please excuse me for not indenting my paragraphs... I haven't figured out how to do that on these boards yet.
Leave big comments or little ones. Leave criticism, encouragement, or nothing. I don't mind.
Essay Portion:
Quote:
"Following that day, John became a tutor to me. He helped me with any and all school work, and he often called me to check my progress. Although he nagged me occassionally, I understood it was my responsibility to hold up my end of deal. John certainly kept his word. For our deal to work at all, we needed to trust eachother. My work was to be turned in on time, and I was to meet any goals suggested by John.
There were times which I felt the need to grow closer to John. I wanted to see him as more than a tutor. I admired his way of life. His dress. His politeness. Yet, whenever I carefully prodded John, he refused to open up. I did not prod more in fear that I would lose the tutor I needed so dearly.
I repetatively failed to complete many assigments, or meet specific goals. These consistant violations of the established rules expectedly caught John's attention. He assumed it had involved laziness on my behalf, he questioned me about it. Instead, he found that my life was a dreary one. Stress directed my day, which lacked any real structure at the time. My constant lack of self-appreciation often left me in a lethargic and depressed state. My work, or rather the lack thereof, was merely a consequence of these elements."
My Journal Entry:
Quote:
"What has happened to [my] writing?! Ever since I started this [Academic Writing] class, I can't write anymore. Suddenly, I'm too focused on my sentences. This paragraph needs to be just right. Oh, that word doesn't fit there, replace it with something else.
I'm suddenly wondering if this is exactily how my will to draw died. I suddenly started paying attention to details. The fun was taken away from it. Suddenly, impressing others became more important than impressing myself, and therefore details became more important than how it made me feel. My art became sterile and lifeless...
Now, as I type away at my computer, I'm constantly checking to see if this word is spelt right, if that word fits. Description needs to be perfect, and yet it never ends up describing what I want it to.
I feel that Paul [a friend of mine who writes] was onto something when he suggested I treat my essay like a journal entry. Putting myself in that state of mood brought out the emotion in me, not the editor. Not the perfectionist. The perfectionist has no place in my writing when I have something to say.
Yet, here I am. I'm writing an essay about a topic that I love and think about the most: the relationship with my father. Joseph. Dad. The thing that brought me out of the dust like a rising phoenix. But the critic, ever aware of my mistakes and faults, keeps urging me to change this and that. Oh, should I put this in? Maybe not. I should take that out because it doesn't describe what I want it to.
I hate this. I told Mrs. Young about it, but her enthusiastic reply sickened me.
"Just keep working, you'll pull through it," she said with a tone so confident it seemed as if she was mocking me.
I hate my recent journal entries. They're dull and rickety now. I figured if I tried writing the way they [my teachers] told me to more often I'd eventually get the hang of it. Then I'd be pumping out sentences, paragraphs and pages that would blow people's minds.
Right.
Suddenly, I despise writing. I despise everyone who ever told me my writing was good. Their 'authorative' encouragement is now being crushed by true writers [my teachers and professor], people who know more about writing then any of them. Perhaps all this time everyone just wanted to flatter me.
Yeah, that was a wonderful gesture.
I'm going against my previous plans right now. I'm refusing to check my sentences so often. I haven't opened my spell checker once. If it's misspelled, then forget it. I'll catch it later, in the future when I look back at this entry and feel proud of expressing my feelings and not what I've supposably 'learned.'
If there is any example of good writing I need to review, it's my old journal entries. The ones where spelling didn't count. Sentence structure didn't count. My writing was geared towards my mind instead of my readers.
I began reading my old journal entries to prepare myself for this essay. I admire my old self. Almost every entry makes me laugh out loud. Or bawl my eyes out. Or stare in awe, or fear. On those pages are not words. On those pages lies my heart.
Isn't this the goal of writing? To portray not words, but the language within ourselves? To use an eternally flawed system of communication to express that which cannot be expressed in words?
...whenever I sit here at my computer, tapping away at my journal, I'm usually always crying. Or laughing. I'm showing emotion as I write it. Somehow, my soul inscribes my experiences better than my mind or my hands ever could."
The idea of learning all the correct things for writing (or drawing for that matter) is too learn them well enough they become second nature & you don't have to think about them. If you like, you're educating your muse to think in correct english & structure.
Same thing with drawing or music; you practice the lines or scales until you no longer have to think about them & then your innner creativity can flow.
The problem with this is that while focussing on the details, the voice gets interrupted, over & over, instead of flowing freely.
try separating out your learning work from your creative work. When you are creating, just let it flow. When your thought is complete, THEN go back & apply those corrections you think are needed to improve the grammar, spelling & structure.
DO fix all spelling mistakes & use what you've learned of punctuation to get the flow of words into the structure you want.
If you find something that is technically wrong but conveys the mood or sense you want, leave it in. Totally correct english can be boring as batshit, so watch out for those gems your muse comes out with that give your work flair & style.
__________________
*He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
*Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words? - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
*Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it - Moses Hadas
*He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know - Abraham Lincoln
I wrote that entry as a surge of frustration was rushing through me.
Before I joined my Academic Writing class (or any writing class, for that matter), I knew there were many steps to getting a book published. However, I never imagined the work that goes into a good story.
I've kept a journal since 2003. Before then, I despised journaling. (I don't remember what encouraged me to start, but I know I eventually found it to be relieving.)
As the months creeped by, my entries became longer and more detailed. Occasionally I would read them to people, specially if it covered a major event or whatnot. (I'm sure we all hate having to tell a really long story over and over and over and...) When I would do that, people often told me my writing was really good.
I guess I got full of myself.
When it came time for me to write stories using a structure or outline, writing became difficult. In that entry, I'm venting about the transition from writing what I want to writing what others want -- which isn't easy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by journyman161
The problem with this is that while focussing on the details, the voice gets interrupted, over & over, instead of flowing freely.
try separating out your learning work from your creative work. When you are creating, just let it flow. When your thought is complete, THEN go back & apply those corrections you think are needed to improve the grammar, spelling & structure.
Thank you for that tip, journyman. I also found the same suggestion in one of my writing books. (Too bad I hadn't thought of looking in it earlier.)
I guess I just need to build up my "writer's tolerance."
I will second what Journeyman said. Work on it and then revise.
But you should see this change as a positive thing. You are learning more about the craft and becoming more self critical. That's a good thing. It may take a while to battle through it but it will be worth it.
I remember this, my second writing class in college the teacher was such a stickler for everything. You had to write the outline, take notes from your sources numbered and showed where in your outline they would fit. So much bs to just write a essay. Pssh drove me insane. My first draft I turned in was so awful, I followed all her rules, did everything just right but it lacked any feeling. So I said screw it and just bs'd my way through the rest of the class. I got an A. So my biggest lesson was not how to write a bibliography, or properly outline your story but to bs your way through school. Now I didn't bs my writing, I still used creditable sources and properly attributed it to them. But the outline, notes and stuff, what does it really matter. I think that if you figure out a way that works use it. If you are still in high school or college and can't spell I think you should just carry a dictionary around with you, it is a little late to get it. Some people just can't.
__________________
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night. -Sarah Williams
Yeah, not just outlining but note card and all kinds of other umm junk. You had to turn it in as you went along too, so that she could see that you were properly following the rules. I really hated her. Also she always wore flip flops and had really bad feet, like purple toe nails, it was so gross. Worst money I ever spent.
__________________
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night. -Sarah Williams
The decay of my writing...
