Sapphira

This is my first topic and I don't know if it's appropriate or not. It's not about writing, so I'm thinking it should go here. Heh


Have you ever heard the expression that knowledge brings about suffering? I think that's true in the case of what we perceive as "love". I've studied human psychology for a long time now, and I think I'm getting to the point of becoming emotionally numb to such a simplistic and broad definition, not to mention the thing itself.

I think a lot of what people think love is, can be explained as chemical impulses in the brain. Let's say for the sake of discussion, that two people meet and are attracted to each other. What is that based on? A thinking person will not be satisfied with the notion that there's just "chemistry." People are attracted to other people based on just a few factors, including familiarity that is learned in childhood. While it's possible that television and media will push a young man or woman to look for the "celebrity", that is good looks and wealth, it's far more likely in my opinion that a well adjusted youth will look for mates that closely resemble either physically or mentally, his opposite gender parent. Human beings are very routine, even if they claim they want spontaneity, they always look for the familiar setting so they can react accordingly. The boy becomes his father and so seeks out his mate who will resemble his mother. And vice versa.

Now what keeps them together and what makes them fall in love? I know a lot of people might not agree with my view of matters, but I doubt that love is merely an unselfish caring for one's mate. I think most of what all human beings do is related to instinctual selfishness. First off, people stay together more often than not because fidelity is the course of least resistance. The older a person gets, the less she (or he) wants to go out and pick up another date. The less attractive they become, the less eager they become to explore the world. They become used to themselves, familiar with themselves. So they began to desire the routine, the stability of married life.

Secondly, it's quite possible that some couples stay together for purely sentimental reasons. They remember fondly romantic "rushes" they felt during courtship and cling to those long forgotten memories no matter how they feel in the present. But it's the same feeling that is derived from a person not wanting to discard old worn out toys or furniture. It's a refusal to let go of the past and live in the present. So is monogamy a form of strength or weakness?

The ultimate truth is, I believe, that no matter what factors cause the "being in love" sensation, it's all related to chemical impulses in the brain. Human beings are sociable creatures and the lonelier they get, the more idealistic and lovey-dovey they become when they start to meet a person who actually listens and converses with them.

Then boom! It's called true love! And they have no doubt that what they FEEL is true. But what are they actually feeling on a scientific level? Is it some cosmic unity that God personally bestowed? Is is some big romance novel in the sky that's being told?


Really when you break it down, it's just a matter of random compatibility. I know that might be common sense, but to an incredibly idealistic person like I once was, it is quite a blow to take. Virtually anybody is compatible with anyone else provided they each make some sacrifices and strive to get along peacefully.

There is no one true love! Or at least I can't see it. I can't be 50 years old one day and have my future husband asking me to assure him of my undying love. And then be forced to say something truthful like, well we were compatible. And you were there at the right time and place. The both of us wanted to have sex, and conceded that it theoretically could happen between the two of us. So then we both generally accepted each other's appearance and strange personality quirks. We both told jokes we heard from somewhere else and agreed they were more or less funny, which greatly improved the "sexual tension" and increased our desire for intimacy. So we had a good time in that respect. And now all these children later, I am old and worn out and I really have no where else to go. "So I love you, honey."

I guess I'm rambling by now but I just don't see love as this great worthwhile thing that makes this godless and accidental life worth living.

Not to give you the impression that I'm totally cold hearted. I have a person in my life that I care about very much and am very attracted to. But I don't feel this great unexplainable passion. Is it because he lacks the fatherly qualities I never knew, coming from a broken home?

Right about now whenever I bring this up in public, someone usually tells me "you'll just know when that time comes." But that's the problem, I might never know. Maybe I know too much.


How I wish I were a stupid man,
How I wish God had a plan,
To be content with such and such
That I might not have to think so much

stephanie

I think sometimes when people break something down too much, they can miss what is right there in front of them. I tend to think too much about some things as well. To me, love is... love. There is not really any way for me to really explain that. What attracts me to a guy is what he has upstairs. I also think that you will know love when it comes. I think the more the person tries to understand it with "factors", the less they will end up understanding it... in my opinion only. I TRY not to think about some things too much. But to me, love is what it is. That probably doesn't make a lot of sense. In my opinion, there is such a thing as one true love...

I don't know much about this, so this is just my opinion. I also don't think there is such a thing as someone knowing too much. Someone can think too much but I don't think someone can ever know too much.

-Stephanie

__________________
The Pride is in The Pain that leads to The Strength

Hodge

Love is such a touchy subject.

On the one hand, it's completely explained. Love is a strong emotional attachment to another human being. Simple. Romantic love is an emotional attachment to another human being coupled with lust. Lust wears off after a while, as does romantic love. Sad, but true.

On the other hand, you have a very large demographic who wants very badly to believe that love is some special, mystical, spiritual thing that never fades. Like in a fairy tale. Many believe there is "one true soul" out there, while others believe that love is something you create yourself (but it's still everlasting). And telling them that they're wrong can create... Conflict.


Statistically speaking, the more homogenous a couple is (the more the same there are—the more personality traits they share), the longer they're going to last. Opposites may attract at first, but they don't last. It's a very bad myth that I'm guessing was originally intended to make girls marry guys they had nothing in common with (didn't need to back in the 50's—woman just needed to know how to cook and clean).

A common mistake many people make is that they confuse love with infatuation. When you first meet someone, hormones rage and endorphins saturate your brain.

"Ooh!" you'll coo. "He's so dreamy!"

And "ahh!" he'll coo. "She's so fine!"

And then they go out for a year or so and get married. Three years later, on average, they get divorced.

Actually, this strikes me as sort of funny and ironic, because parents always tell kids, "it's not your fault!" when they get divorced, but statistics show that couples without children stay married longer than couples with children.

In fact, couples say that their marital happiness is at its lowest when their kids reach puberty. And then as soon as the kids leave home, happiness levels literally skyrocket to a point that's almost as high as when they were on their honeymoon (they determine happiness by asking the couples how happy they are at various points in time, so it is pretty subjective).

But enough of my statistics.


I say the true formula to love is this:

1) Love the person for who they are, not how they make you feel.

2) Make sure your partner is also your best friend. If he/she isn't, the relationship isn't going to last.

3) Make sure you have a lot in common with your partner. If he/she is constantly going off and doing their own thing, they're not going to be as attached to you and they're going to have more opportunities to become infatuated with other people.

4) And of course, the one that everyone knows: compromise.

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Science

stephanie

Hodge, your "true formula" to love makes perfect sense. Your number 3 example makes sense, but for me is not a reality. I am in a long distance relationship and my partner and I have very little in common but love is there. I sometimes worry if love is enough. Our relationship almost ended a couple of days ago because we are so different. We were brought together by our emotions. I know the key for us is going to be to compromise.

Go figure I met my partner on this writing forum!

-Stephanie

__________________
The Pride is in The Pain that leads to The Strength

Sapphira

Very true. Thanks all.

__________________
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." -George W. Bush

ooghost1oo

Love is fickle, and it's hardly real. You're right. It's just chemical reactions in the brain, just like everything. Just like the way that a lot of us artists (writers) see the world in a different, kind of distorted way. Chemicals and chemical imbalances. You could always look at it that way. Dryly. Most people never accept this truth. To me, this truth doesn't make love any less intoxicating.

But, as I said, it's fickle. It's just nature's way of attracting us to whoever we're in contact with at the moment. When we break up, it hurts for a bit, but we'll fall in love again quickly enough. In and out of love, easily. We can fall in love with pretty much anybody, too, as long as we don't kill each other.

As for the Freudian attraction to mother-copies:

I've seen, from my experience, that people tend to be drawn to, not as much to copies of their mothers, people that are very physically different from themselves. Dark people (speaking of caucasians) like fair people and fair people like dark people.

I'm olive-skinned with dark hair and dark eyes, and I'm attracted (mostly) to blonde/redhaired women with fair skin and blue/green eyes. I've seen these fair people attracted mostly to dark people. The only exception to this is in less cosmopolotan (sp?) places, like rural countryside. Where I came from, in south Louisiana, all of the cajuns are dark-skinned, dark-eyed, and dark-haired, and they're attracted to each other because that's all there is down there.

Food for thought. Think about your 'type'.

stephanie

I wouldn't say that I have a "type". I am Slovakian, Indian, German, and Irish. I have dark brown hair and eyes and I have fair skin. I am attracted to all sorts of guys... dark, light, whatever. It doesn't matter for me hair or eye color. That is how I have always been but some people do have types.

Starrwriter, you are so funny...

-Stephanie

__________________
The Pride is in The Pain that leads to The Strength

Sapphira

lol

Want to see her picture, huh? So delighted to be promoting love on my thread about love.


"All you need is love...love...love is all you need"

__________________
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." -George W. Bush

stephanie

American Indian, though I am more Slovakian than Indian. I don't have anything that would put a picture on a computer. My best friend does, and when she gets back from camping, I will think about posting a pic up.

-Stephanie

__________________
The Pride is in The Pain that leads to The Strength

stephanie

Talk about coincidences... Exactly how old are you?

-Stephanie

__________________
The Pride is in The Pain that leads to The Strength

Hodge

I talked about this chemical a little bit in another thread, but that's essentially what it is. Interestingly, testosterone counteracts it, and right after sex two people receive large doses of the chemical. This is why your man is thinking about tomorrow's Packers vs. Vikings game and you're thinking about how much you love him.

Oh, the mother thing is funny... But people are not drawn to differences. They're drawn to similarities. You'll find that interracial marriage is still not a common thing in today's world and that racial/ethnic groups tend to marry within themselves.

But back to the mother: a lot of men want a woman who can take care of him in certain ways (moreso in Freud's time when womene were expected to cook, clean, and raise babies), and this is what Freud was driving at.

__________________
Science

Sapphira

I dont think so. I haven't read all of Freud's work but I believe the basic thought is that a child's entire outlook on adulthood and the roles a man and woman have in every manner of life will all be traced back to their parents.

A well adjusted boy will look for someone possessing, not exactly the same, but very similar to the positive qualities his mother showed him regarding the role of a wife in a marriage. (Not just in terms of duties, in terms of relationships. How to behave and react to behavior) A girl will look for someone with the same positive qualities as her father. It's only natural. Do you really think people just marry according to skin color, attractiveness or charm? There's always a deeper reason why people behave in certain ways and are chemically attracted to other people. It's not by accident.

Troubled youths who marry someone bad for them are usually the result of a broken home, or an abusive parent-child relationship.

A person's entire personality, likes and dislikes, understanding of roles and society, can be traced back to his childhood and early experiences. Much more so in my opinion, than just genes.

__________________
"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." -George W. Bush