last-ditch effort - Writers Forum

kintaris · 08-01-2005, 05:39 PM

I know this is a poem but i'm not even going to pretend this is worthwhile of the Poetry section:

***

From: "Sam Quirke" <kintaris @ hotmail.com>
To: *******@ ******.com
Subject: a poem
Date: Fri, 29 Jul 2005 17:08:30 +0000

by the time you read this u'll probably be going out with edd again, but here's one last try:

emily angel blinding bright
Lights up all my stars at night
I rest my nose upon her cheek -
stays warm and cosy all the week

emily angel does not know
her smile can melt away the snow
that clings around my aching heart
and yet her lips are just the start

emily angel spreads her wings
and keeps me safe from nasty things
Her hair flies round her as she leans
from a boat of jelly beans

emily angel cannot see
just how much she means to me
emily angel, blinding bright
can i light your stars tonight?

sam xx

***

Well she's back with him. But she called me 'an amazing guy'. Sure, she might just be softening the blow, but my glass is well and truly half full.

kin

Londongrey · 08-01-2005, 07:04 PM

Awwwwwww, Sam loves a girl Sam loves a girl, lol, hehehehe *ahem* okay I'll grow up.

If you want a critique of this piece, read alot of metrical poetry before trying to rhyme again, please. I don't mean to be cruel but Ilan Bouchard is a bit of an old hand at iambic meter in poetry if you ask him.

Have you had a response yet?

**Penelope** · 08-01-2005, 07:33 PM

This is charming - if it were anywhere but the lounge I would move it to the poetry section. I read it aloud and liked the beat shifting instead of being even tempo. If you do want to address that, try counting the syllables to bring them into line. Personally, it kind of adds to the poem's charm to me.

mammamaia · 08-02-2005, 11:10 AM

it's adorable... not great poetry, but a nice 'personal poem'... pen's advice re the meter is what i'd suggest, as well... but it's ok as is, if you like it...

kintaris · 08-02-2005, 02:22 PM

cheers guys...i know its not perfect, but i thought it might be enough. It isn't - now - but maybe one day (apparently)

now i'm off to write some proper poetry...

kin

Kane · 08-02-2005, 02:25 PM

=(

Poor fella.

kintaris · 08-02-2005, 02:34 PM

my glass is half full...i've even got perfect strangers feeling sorry for me

Wyndstar · 08-02-2005, 02:59 PM

What a pleasant surprise---sort of like finding a piece of candy in the dentist's office. And its about as sweet. You really should have posted this in the poetry section without shame or concern kintaris, its rather lovely.

On the relationship note; I hope the guy looks like Harry Dean Anderson and has Bill Gates' bucks cause otherwise a good man with a sense of meter and beautiful imagry would do it for me...

kintaris · 08-02-2005, 03:06 PM

thankyou!

if only people where i live were as nice as you lot...

kin

kintaris · 08-02-2005, 03:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wyndstar

What a pleasant surprise---sort of like finding a piece of candy in the dentist's office. And its about as sweet. You really should have posted this in the poetry section without shame or concern kintaris, its rather lovely.

On the relationship note; I hope the guy looks like Harry Dean Anderson and has Bill Gates' bucks cause otherwise a good man with a sense of meter and beautiful imagry would do it for me...

probably my favourite reply of all time!

thanks

kin