Making yourself write in tough times? - Writers Forum

Peter Thomas · 04-30-2005, 01:17 AM

I have no idea if I should even be posting this, since it sort of feels like I'm clogging/hogging the boards. But I will post anyway, because I'm depressed.

Why I'm depressed...

Anyway, I'm not trying to squeeze more sympathy out of you (do that in the other thread hehe); I'm trying to sort out what I will do with my writing. This didn't quite feel right in the tips and advice forum, so it's going here.

People seem to churn out some beautiful (albeit depressing) stuff when they're going through a rough patch. The emotion seems to get so welled up inside that when they put a pen to paper all these horribly blunt truths just come out in the most perfect of ways.

But me, at the moment, I'm loathing the thought of writing. I'm hating the very thought of opening a blank document in word and having to stare at it and come up with something to fill it. I'm scared of continuing the story I am currently working on because it has a very light-hearted tone, and I don't want to kill it. I don't want to write about what I'm feeling because...well.. I just don't. To put it plainly: I don't want to write.

I know I'll get over the phase, and I'll come back and I'll still love writing, but as much as I don't want to touch a keyboard or a pen, I don't think that's what I should be doing. I think I should be writing, however much I'm hating the thought of it.

Any ideas?

Rico · 04-30-2005, 01:25 AM

(heh, now I'm starting to feel like I'm stalking you...but I have to do something while I'm eating breakfast)

First off, Peter, you're not clogging/hogging the boards. I could point out prime examples of those who do, but I won't.

Very well, no more sympathy from me here on this thread

Speaking from my recent experience, I had no desire to write anything down at all. I too loathed the thought.

My advice (take it or leave it):
1. don't work on that story of yours. You'll associate these bad memories with it and it'll never get finished.
2. open up one of those big scary blank word documents

3. make yourself a nice big wordart heading that covers half the page.
4. don't think/worry about making sense at all, this is catharsis, not prize-winning literature.
5. Just type. Nonsense, if you can't think of anything else to write. But trust me, words will sooner or later start coming out.

Peter Thomas · 04-30-2005, 01:35 AM

Rico, I've always wanted a stalker (I think), so I shall enjoy this.
I am going to take your advice. I will open that blank document as soon as I post this...

Rico · 04-30-2005, 01:45 AM

*sigh*
You really shouldn't encourage me. But as you don't seem to mind, consider yourself stalked.

Peter Thomas · 04-30-2005, 02:14 AM

Hehe, I did tell a little fib. I haven't started writing yet. Well, I opened up that document, put a huge title "shattered" across the page (ooh, how completely original and deep!), and then got busy talking to other people. But I will write soon. I promise you!

Rico · 04-30-2005, 02:17 AM

little fibs are okay.

at least you've opened the document. that's a big step, right?....and a title, I see. see, you're halfway there already.

Peter Thomas · 04-30-2005, 02:24 AM

Yeah, I actually typed two sentences, then deleted them because they weren't "good enough". I'm just going to have to get over that little ego-trip I think because I know whatever I write will start out as total slosh and gunk no matter what.

Hopefully with the flow some true thoughts will come.

Rico · 04-30-2005, 02:27 AM

I'm going to have to agree with you, Peter. It is probably going to be crap for a while. And yes, if you just keep punching away at the keys, the real honest true thoughts will work their way out.

Peter Thomas · 04-30-2005, 03:13 AM

By God I can't believe how angsty that was. Overall I don't particulary like the piece I wrote. There are one or two okay phrases in there, but I think think as a whole it's fairly average. And yet, because it's so raw, it's got me SO angry and stirred up. Just reading it gives me the shakes. As low-grade as the writing is, I have never written with this effect in my life. I'm going to post it for no other reason than 'because I can': (I'm aware the paragraphing sucks hard. You don't have to read. As I said, I'm just posting because I can)

You told me so many things, so many lies, so many truths, so many mysteries, so many secrets. And now I have no idea what to think of them. What was what? Did the word “love” actually mean anything to you, or was it just a way to get me into bed. Did you ever stop to think about how much my tears burned, or my heart ached, or my soul bled? Did you even care that I was lost and wandering aimlessly in my grief? Don’t you remember that I was the one who was always there to help you no matter what? I helped you in every way I could; financially, emotionally, physically, practically. I was giving my life up for you – changing everything I thought was solid, unstable and unmoving. You promised me that you would never hurt me. You told me that you’d never leave me and that you loved me and that you wanted me to move in with you. You told me that I was the best thing that ever happened to you. You told me that I was so mature and you could see yourself with me. And then you tore it up, ever so slowly. With one hand on either side of my heart, you pulled. You pulled so hard I could feel it breaking, the blood pouring anywhere and everywhere. It coursed through my arms, through my legs. It broke my whole body. You have no idea how much that hurt. And yet you continued to pull me apart. As though it wasn’t enough to simply see me bleeding and broken. You had to stick your fingers in the wounds with your soft, loving touch and tell me everything was going to be alright. While you slipped knives through my very soul, you told me you would work your life out, and we would be together. And I believed you. I let you push those daggers in as far as they would go because I was stupid enough to believe they would stop hurting. Not that you would take them out. Not that you’d give me a bandage, or words of sympathy. Just that they’d stop hurting and I could forget they were there. I believed what you told me about love. I believed that you really did have feelings for me. But if you did, none of this would have happened. Love does not lead you to other people. Love does not break people apart. Love reveals crevices and holes in our lives, but it also provides an opportunity to fix them, and you chose to walk right passed the answers, and let those holes deepen. You spat in them; laughed at them, hearing your own echo bounce around my hollow shell. And now I feel completely empty. I let my guard down so much for you. I peeled off every layer of myself that I could. I let you see me inside. Not just naked, not just truthful. I let you see me, the very essence of who I was. And I believed that you would look at me and that you would smile and tell me that I was perfect and that you would love me forever. And, instead, you looked. And you wondered. And you said “yes, I can live with that”, and then, when you realised it would require work, you said “no, I can’t deal with this.” You said there were so many things in your life you had to work through, but the only thing you ever needed to know was what you wanted. And now you’ve decided, and everything has fallen into place for you. And it has fallen away from me. There is nothing for me here. Nothing but the empty hopes and dreams I once had for us. And I don’t know if they could ever be filled with you again. I let myself believe they could. I let myself think that you were the most perfect thing that had ever happened to me. And yet, all along, I knew there was something wrong. The things you said, the people you were with. I should’ve seen it coming. But I was too in love… or was it too in lust (I can’t remember anymore, my emotions are so confused. I don’t think I even recognized the difference between the two), and I turned my eyes away and said “no. you wouldn’t hurt me.”

You lied.

Rico · 04-30-2005, 03:19 AM

Peter, I must admit, even not knowing you at all, that brought tears to my eyes.

Yes it is angsty and raw, but its from the heart and getting all of that out...it does help.

Peter Thomas · 04-30-2005, 03:24 AM

What freaks me out the most is that I have these kind of emotions from this realtionship. If I was with him for years on end, I could understand, but it was so brief (techincally 5 months, though with the flirting and "I can't deal with a relationship but I'll still have sex with you" it was a lot more), and yet this is all from that. It scares me.

Rico · 04-30-2005, 03:30 AM

Length of a relationship doesn't imply depth. I dated a guy for two years and didn't feel nearly as bad after it ended as I had with a guy I'd been dating for four months. You can never really tell how its going to affect you, though, until something happens that makes you question it.

Like you said earlier (and I mindlessly reiterated), emotions suck. Love and hate and all the rest of them. Often we can't control them and that's what scares us about them.

Hang in there, Peter.

Peter Thomas · 04-30-2005, 03:39 AM

Many a wise word spoken by Rico.
When I was speaking with my ex and told him it was only 5 months he didn't believe me at first. It felt like so much longer. To be perfectly honest, it felt like I'd been with him for over a year, and he agreed. I'm almost tempted to say "It felt like I'd known him forver", since that really is what it felt like, but I don't want to risk sounding too cliched or melodramatic or trashy.

I think that helped me start to get over my hatred for writing, I believe. That was good for my soul. I'm still not looking forward to starting a new project, but I'm not scared by it, anymore. There's a big difference. Though I don't see myself opening that blank document with confidence any time soon...

Rico · 04-30-2005, 03:42 AM

hehe, I take no credit for any of that. A friend of mine pounded that into my skull a couple of weeks ago when I was down. He's the wise one, not me.

ANd hell, big empty pages always scare me.

But I'm glad that getting that out helped.

**Penelope** · 04-30-2005, 07:18 AM

I'm kinda wondering if this thread is simply a duet or can anyone join in?