4|29|08 Regret - Scores - Writers Forum

valeca · 06-23-2008, 09:31 AM

Vangoghsear’s Scores

In my judging style, everyone starts at 3 and goes up or down from there. I hid the names from view until after I wrote my scoring, although some styles are still evident, I tried to remain impartial. Keep in mind these are just one person’s opinion.

************************************

Her Shoes Once Danced

5 Thematic Resonance
4 Technical Excellence
5 Composition
4 Message
4 Originality

22 Total

very good poem. The message was a little obscure, but not to the poem’s detriment, the mood came across as a strong feeling of regret. I took one point off for message because some of the wording is so strange as to seem misused, such as: “as she laid her mention in boxes,” however, if I could give extra points for Composition, I would for such lines as:
“where wind would force old laundry
inside her broken skin.”

__________________________________________________ _________

Hurting Loved Ones

5 Thematic Resonance
4Technical Excellence
5 Composition
4 Message
3 Originality

21 Total

Some good well thought out lines in this one. “. . .fate has sewn me to” for instance, but also a couple of cliche images. Thematic Resonance is quite good and is established quite well in the reader. Use of rhythm and other poetic techniques, the piece flows well. Good job.
__________________________________________________ _________

Reflections or Regret

4 Thematic Resonance
5 Technical Excellence
5 Composition
4 Message
4 Originality

22 Total

Extremely well crafted. The rhythm of some of the passages is breathtaking to me. A complex pattern of rhyme is carried well throughout the piece. If there were some stronger, more original images in this, it would be outstanding. That is where I had to take off points. The mood and feel of are too pleasant to come off as ‘regret’ to me. Perhaps this very good line explains why that is the case, “regrets are only for the wise;” and maybe this is more about the lack of regret? Still, this is quite a good poem.

__________________________________________________ _________

Regrets

0 Thematic Resonance
0 Technical Excellence
0 Composition
0 Message
0 Originality

0 Total!

What a load of festering niggling termite crap! My regret is I had to read this squirming pile of burrowing uncleansed larva...

Oops this one was mine.

__________________________________________________ _________

What I Should Have Said

5 Thematic Resonance
2 Technical Excellence
3 Composition
4 Message
3 Originality

17 Total

Thematically, this piece is strong, but the inclusion of original imagery would have made it stronger. You have told me what to feel, but I’m afraid you have not made me feel it. The lack if original imagery really hurts this piece the most. That removes points from almost all of the categories. There is a rhythm carried through, and it is complex, however, some of the rhymes seem forced.

__________________________________________________ _________

Retrograde

5 Thematic Resonance
4 Technical Excellence
5 Composition
5 Message
4 Originality

23 Total

Nice use of visual elements of the composition (the italics form a downward spiral). I had you marked down to a 4 for composition because it was a tad list-like (something I get frequently accused of) so I looked for more to it, and spotted the visual regression. Definitely fits thematically and has a good well developed message. The poem speaks to me of deep regrets. Very good job.

__________________________________________________ _________

At The Station.

4 Thematic Resonance
5 Technical Excellence
4 Composition
5 Message
4 Originality

22 Total

What a nice, smooth, mood setting piece. A tad wordy perhaps, but that just works to slow the reader into the mellow, introspective pace. I keep changing your score for technical excellence from 4 to 5 because of the wordiness, but I really think it works in this, so it’s staying a 5. What imagery there is, is good, but there could be more, so Composition gets a 4. All in all, good poem.

__________________________________________________ _________

Several bets on Losers

5 Thematic Resonance
2 Technical Excellence
4 Composition
3 Message
3 Originality

17 Total

The theme resonates well through the piece, repeated in the slightly varied last lines of each stanza. I like the way it wraps back from denial to acceptance and I added a point back in to composition based on that. Technical Excellence suffers due to some of the rhymes sounding forced, such as:

Don't let anyone in.
Load gear in a pin.

This has an overall image going through, but is very lacking in individual imagery that could help make the poem stronger, which kept the Message category from having a higher score. Not bad, but it could be better.

__________________________________________________ _________

He kept his women thin

3 Thematic Resonance
5 Technical Excellence
4 Composition
4 Message
4 Originality

20 Total

This is a marvelous piece, despite the low points. If the theme was more evident to me, I think the other categories could have been higher as well. Technically, the way the words are chosen for their sound and fit is very interesting. The piece is a bit wordy, that’s why the point was deducted from Composition, again had this contributed to the message, or theme, I could have gone with a 5 here. Okay, the message is obscure, but there is one. I almost feel this is describing captives of some kind, like in a concentration camp. Interesting poem.

__________________________________________________ _________

Blue: Entendimiento Triste

3 Thematic Resonance
5 Technical Excellence
5 Composition
4 Message
4 Originality

21 Total

I had a tough time finding the theme in here. The piece is masterfully written, in my opinion. It is vibrant with color, texture, and description. I do sense the theme in the piece, but I struggle to understand it. Good use of enjambment, lovely word selections, and good use of poetic devices.

valeca · 06-23-2008, 09:31 AM

Baron's Poetry challenge scores

Her Shoes Once Danced by Mister Jack

Thematic Resonance 4/5
Technical Excellence 3/5
Composition 3/5
Message 4/5
Originality 4/5

This poem is pretty strong in content but let down, in my opinion, by grammar and syntax issues. A Good, gritty read.

Hurting Loved Ones by Matt Hatter

Thematic Resonance 4/5
Technical Excellence 3/5
Composition 4/5
Message 4/5
Originality 3/5

This poem has a strong rhythm and some good imagery. A little cliché, which lost it some points, but another good read.

What I Should Have Said by The Raven 12

Thematic Resonance 4/5
Technical Excellence 3/5
Composition 3/5
Message 3/5
Originality 3/5

The theme is pretty well put across in this poem but it becomes very angsty and is let down greatly by the format.

Retrograde by Garden of Kadesh

Thematic Resonance 5/5
Technical Excellence 3/5
Composition 4/5
Message 4/5
Originality 4/5

I really like this poem. My only real criticism is the minimal punctuation. I tend to have an all or nothing approach and would have preferred that there be no punctuation at all.

At the Station by Mermaid on the Breakwater

Thematic Resonance 4/5
Technical Excellence 3/5
Composition 4/5
Message 4/5
Originality 5/5

A very original approach to the theme and good imagery and narrative. A poem that creates real mood and feeling.

Several Bets On Losers by Amber Leaf

Thematic Resonance 4/5
Technical Excellence 3/5
Composition 4/5
Message 4/5
Originality 5/5

The staccato beat to this poem went well with the content. A few punctuation issues but I think that this represented the theme well.

He Kept His Women Thin by Mirror

Thematic Resonance 3/5
Technical Excellence 4/5
Composition 4/5
Message 3/5
Originality 5/5

This is a truly excellent piece of writing but the theme of regret doesn’t speak to me from it. I enjoyed the fluency of the read very much and would imagine this poem an obvious winner of the challenge if it truly projected the subject of the prompt.

Blue: Entendimiento Triste by CMM Kaleido

Thematic Resonance 4/5
Technical Excellence 4/5
Composition 4/5
Message 4/5
Originality 5/5

I had to read this a couple of times to understand where the poem is going. I think it is strongly worded and has great rhythm and flow. Overall a good read.

valeca · 06-23-2008, 09:32 AM

Ilasir's Poetry Scores

Her Shoes Once Danced
By MisterJack

Thematic Resonance: 4/5
Technical Excellence: 4/5
Composition: 5/5
Message: 4/5
Originality: 4/5
Total: 21/25

Overall, a fairly nice poem, Jack; but there were some tense issues that detracted from the technical excellence score. The “regret” was a bit vague, though it’s effects were clear; unfortunately, I didn’t feel the fresh factor strongly enough to be moved greatly. Maybe just a bit too cloudy on the specifics to hold force. No clear message but the fifteen years hinted at mistakes.

Hurting Loved Ones
By Matthatter

Thematic Resonance: 3/5
Technical Excellence: 4/5
Composition: 4/5
Message: 3/5
Originality: 4/5
Total: 18/25

For this one Matt, you were a bit vague, and I was left at a loss for what regrets should be felt. There were a few errors, and the sequence was a bit jagged. The irony was the best part.

Reflections or Regret
By Baron

Thematic Resonance: 4/5
Technical Excellence: 5/5
Composition: 5/5
Message: 4/5
Originality: 4/5
Total: 22/25

Very well-constructed, Baron, but the repetition held it back. The mirror was half-successful, and in the end did its job, but not as well as it could have. A bit universal for regrets.

Regrets
By vangoghsear

Thematic Resonance: 3/5
Technical Excellence: 3/5
Composition: 4/5
Message: 5/5
Originality: 5/5
Total: 20/25

Strong on the message and the originality, but the use of short lines broke the flow, and the syllable count struck me as short shrift for such a sweet subject. The theme was just a bit generalized.

What I Sdould Have Said
By TheRaven12

Thematic Resonance: 3/5
Technical Excellence: 3/5
Composition: 3/5
Message: 3/5
Originality: 2/5
Total: 14/25

The attempt to rhyme with such short lines hurt you, as well as the general choppiness of the format. The stanza structure was better, though, hitting a point each. The message was nothing new, and the themes were well-worn. But a fair attempt.

Retrograde
By Garden of Kadesh

Thematic Resonance: 3/5
Technical Excellence: 3/5
Composition: 3/5
Message: 4/5
Originality: 5/5
Total: 18/25

I enjoyed the approach very much, but it was an abstract regression, and that I think hurt the idea. There were some shattered metaphors, and I think you could have made them smoother. Execution was my issue here.

At the Station
By Mermaid on the breakwater

Thematic Resonance: 5/5
Technical Excellence: 5/5
Composition: 5/5
Message: 4/5
Originality: 4/5
Total: 23/25

I can’t say the images were fresh, but their use especially the memory/wind metaphor was well-crafted. I could wish you had expanded a bit more, but it had one of the stronger messages, and one of the more concrete realizations. Too many stars though.

Several Bets on Losers
By Amberleaf

Thematic Resonance: 3/5
Technical Excellence: 4/5
Composition: 3/5
Message: 3/5
Originality: 3/5
Total: 16/25

I felt the subject was treated too lightly here. The fast rhythm and true rhyme gave it a bit of a singsong quality, which didn’t work for me. Technically, there were no real errors, but the construction of the poem was not used to the effect that it could have been.

He kept his women thin
By Mirror

Thematic Resonance: 4/5
Technical Excellence: 5/5
Composition: 5/5
Message: 5/5
Originality: 5/5
Total: 24/25

I’m not sure the exact “regret” this references, but the execution was beautiful, with an extended metaphor lovingly held to throughout the poem. Your usual deep images. Quite an original treatment, and a strong message well composed.

Blue: Etendimiento Triste
By CMM Kaleido

Thematic Resonance: 3/5
Technical Excellence: 5/5
Composition: 5/5
Message: 4/5
Originality: 5/5
Total: 22/25

A beautiful set of images, even if the theme was well buried for me. It was very well-crafted, with the desert/water synthesis and beads. Quite a unique perspective, almost as if through a kaleidoscope. Zheunoive!

valeca · 06-23-2008, 09:44 AM

Thank you to everyone who participated in this poetry challenge.

On behalf of Shawn, I'd like to extend another thanks for your patience in getting the scores up.

And as always, a very special thanks goes to the three judges for this round: Vangoghsear, Baron and Ilasir. Great work, guys!

Please check your scores carefully. If you find a mistake has been made, speak up.

The final breakdown is as follows (scores for judges' entries not eligible):

Mr. Jack --Her Shoes Danced – 18 22 21 = 61/75

Matt Hatter—Hurting Loved Ones – 18 21 18 = 60/75

The Raven—What I Should Have Said – 16 17 14 = 47/75

Kadesh--Retrograde– 20 23 18 = 61/75

Mermaid—At the Station – 20 22 23 = 65/75

Amber Leaf –Several Bets On Losers– 20 17 16 = 53/75

Mirror –Kept His Woman Thin– 19 20 24 = 63/75

Kaleido—Blue: Ent – 21 21 22 = 64/75

WINNER: Mermaid on the Breakwater!

Second place: CMM Kaleido

Third place: Mirror

Congrats to all!

Garden of Kadesh · 06-23-2008, 11:30 AM

Congrats to the winners and thanks to the judges. Glad we made it through this one alive!

Ilasir Maroa · 06-23-2008, 01:17 PM

Congrats to the winners!

Top five were really close.

Mermaid on the breakwater · 06-23-2008, 06:22 PM

Thanks to all the judges and competitors, as is my usual, but I have to say, the first two places should have gone to Mirror and Rob. That's only my personal opinion and I respect the judges' outcome. Once again, good competition and I hope we can have a good one next time round.

Baron · 06-23-2008, 06:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mermaid on the breakwater

Thanks to all the judges and competitors, as is my usual, but I have to say, the first two places should have gone to Mirror and Rob. That's only my personal opinion and I respect the judges' outcome. Once again, good competition and I hope we can have a good one next time round.

Congratulions, Patrick. Rob's was pulled out because he was judging.

Mermaid on the breakwater · 06-23-2008, 06:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baron

Congratulions, Patrick. Rob's was pulled out because he was judging.

Rob, it's a shame when the numbers are too small to allow one of the better poets poems to result in the judges' outcome.

Thanks for your input, mate. I'll work on my techincal excellence

, I believe I can produce bettter than a 3/5 and you are quite right.

Mirror · 06-23-2008, 08:34 PM

Congratulations M.O.T.B. (A fine mood piece), Kaleido (Exquisitely rendered) and everyone else who participated (Jack, in particular, whose poem was my personal favorite).

Many thanks to Van, Baron, and Ilasir for their in-depth evaluations.

Best,
Mirror

Cran · 06-23-2008, 10:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mermaid on the breakwater

... but I have to say, the first two places should have gone to Mirror and Rob...

You won - deal with it!

well done, MOTB ...

congrats also to CMM Kaleido, and Mirror ...

thanks to Baron, Vangoghsear, and Ilasir for their fine judging -
and for the sacrifice that entails ...

thanks too, to Valeca ...

and to all participants in this round ...

CMM_Kaleido · 07-01-2008, 06:21 PM

Hey, look scores!

Double thanks to Van, Baron, and Ilasir for giving their time to judge. Your opinions are always valued

, but there is something about the formality of a "competition". . . I am taking my piece back to the drawing board to attempt to yank the theme from obscurity.

Congratulations to MotB and Mirror. I think the contest theme helped shape some very haunting (MisterJack); heart-wrenching (Baron and MotB); vivid and squirm-ifying (VanG and GoK); and depth-defying (Mirror) pieces. I enjoyed them all.