Shawn

Good job on your submissions, everyone. Now... onto the scores.

Mirror

Title: The Desert Rose
Author: vangoghsear

Not a novel idea, yet well-approached. I detect an underlying circularity – somewhat progressive as you interweave wilted creativity with the merciless ministrations of time. Imagery trickles until the last stanza, in which I question the repetition. Poem would have been more powerfully transmitted without it (in a less list-like manner).

20


Title: Devour
Author: Apple

Excellent allusion coupled with a pulsating tone. I appreciate the delineation of rider’s voice from the description. Contains some marvelous verses, such as ‘sand becomes his seed’ or ‘licks the stars’. Wonderful ending, slightly marred by the residual manner in which you constructed it. I can’t help but feel that it could have flowed better. I especially like the ambition in this poem. Enjambment is not overdone, either. This is a gem. Thanks for the read.

23


Title: Planting a seed
Author: Mermaid on the Breakwater

This poem verges on literal. Omission of filler words would enhance the flow. I like the narrative, yet a few self-evident explanations such ‘leaves us with not a lot’ detract from the poem. You’ve already intimated that in the previous verses – no need to spell it out. I see a leap the penultimate stanza to the last one. Perhaps a smoother transition? Also, that last stanza becomes more like the coda of a discourse analysis. I do, however, appreciate the portrayal of familial bonds.

14.5


Tile: Day by Night
Author: Olly Buckle

This poem is a mood piece - Sensual and oscillating, a mood solely afforded by lush imagery, for the rhythm jars in several places. I would remove the capitals, so as to connect lines that inevitable follow one another. Again, most enjoyable: it threatens to lull, but reawakens the reader through movement within verses. I view as a photo negative. Yet, I desired it to be less settling.

18


Title: Dust Devil
Author: MisterJack

Immaculate coordination – almost as if the rhythm heralds the dust devil. Omission of a few filler words wouldn’t go amiss, although in a poem with such momentum a few halts do help in lieu of punctuation. Love the ending – humorous and wry - which not only lends the title phrase another nuance, but also immediately transports the reader into a different scenery – more confined, yet filled with the similar images, sounds, and textures. Yet, I feel the parallelism could have been more accentuated throughout the poem.

22.5


Title: The Block
Author: DavidBetzer

I appreciate the personifications you employ, but the piece merely exceeds description, for me.
Tense shift in the last stanza (lines 3 and 6) presents a problem for me in that I do not know whether to consider the previous stanzas as flashback. Moreover, you proceed from meticulous imagery (gleaning for details in the environment you describe) to a rushed justification, as evinced by the last line.

15


Title: Rainbow Serpent
Author: Autumn

This piece relies heavily on anthropomorphism to compensate for lack of human presence. In something so bare, repetition (namely, of the word ‘desert’) becomes noticeable. I also question the impact, given the brevity. It reads more like enumeration due to predictability of line breaks and abundance of linking verb ‘to be’. I experience a cooling effect, nonetheless, and appreciate the utilization of space in the poem.

12.5



Title: Smoking wicks and lakes of sand
Author: andrew_w

First to all, you need to carefully consider your enjambment. Read the poem out loud and see where you would naturally pause. Content (message) feels one-dimensional to me. I sense an identity (the narrator’s) that evaporated with the loss of fruition, yet this idea becomes muddled in the clichéd expressions, none of which given a new angle or otherwise subverted.

12


Title: My Heart
Author: SerenityJS

This tone in this poem feels torn between self-pity and self-flagellation. I find it somewhat grinded and, almost as if phrases wish to stray away from one-another, only to be viciously connected. A nice return to the point of origin, yet I would have preferred a smoother continuation. The poem jars in various places, due to use of gerunds, inconsistency in verse capitalization, and abrupt fragmentation of thoughts.

14.5


Title: The Desert God
Author: rcallaci

You have imbued this piece with an unfurling quality – each stanza reveals a reason for the uttered wrath, making the latter righteous. A great descent from peak to pith. Centering of poem and lack of punctuation transform the poem into an inscription. The consistent tone works to that effect, as well. Aural poems often render overabundance of imagery unnecessary, yet I would have appreciated more tactility in the characterization of the ‘little bastards’. The concept of self-fashioning due to others’ ego-altruisms prevails.

19.75


Title: Waiting for Wildflower Season
Author: Foxee

The poem creates a remarkable sense of isolation which breaks into a flashback only to present the lingering wait through personification of hopes later on. Seemingly disparate elements interweaved to create a plaintive, yet expectant mood. More cohesion between stanzas may have been desirable. I also wonder about the enjambment, specifically your choice to end a verse with an article (‘a’).

19.25


Title: Sweet As Desert Breeze
Author: Ilasir Maroa

Yet, another mood piece. Delicious images (slowly poured) with an undercurrent of sublimity. I particularly like the last two verses, which lend the spectral scenery a fleshy farewell. I also appreciate your revival of archaic language – it befits the vacillation of hues in this poem. The staggering flow works for me. Nice use of slants, if scattered in various places.

22.75


Baron


The Desert Rose by Vangoghsear.

Thematic resonance – 4/5
Technical Excellence -4/5
Composition – 4/5
Message – 4/5
Originality – 5/5

21

Good imagery. The poem held me until the end.


Devour by Apple

Thematic resonance – 3/5
Technical Excellence -4/5
Composition – 4/5
Message – 3/5
Originality – 5/5

19

A lively read but the theme seems incidental to the poem.


Planting A Seed by Mermaid of the Breakwater

Thematic resonance – 4/5
Technical Excellence -3/5
Composition – 3/5
Message – 4/5
Originality – 5/5

19

A great original interpretation of the theme but I feel that this poem is let down by the structure.


Day by Night by Olly Buckle

Thematic resonance – 5/5
Technical Excellence -3/5
Composition – 3/5
Message – 3/5
Originality – 5/5

19

Some nice images in this but it lacks the concrete to bind them together. Structure and rhythm very jerky.


Dust Devil by Mister Jack

Thematic resonance – 4/5
Technical Excellence -3/5
Composition – 4/5
Message – 4/5
Originality – 5/5

20

Some nice imagery, with the poem structured to fit the tornado image. I think that the poem really needs some trimming down to make it effective.


The Block by David Betzner

Thematic resonance – 5/5
Technical Excellence -2/5
Composition – 2/5
Message – 4/5
Originality – 5/5

18

Great images and mood. I honestly would have thought this a winner but it is let down by typos/errors.


Rainbow Serpent by Autumn

Thematic resonance – 5/5
Technical Excellence -2/5
Composition – 2/5
Message – 3/5
Originality – 5/5

17

This was a nice short work which transmits a good mood and feel. Again, a poem let down by typos/errors. Also, although the image contained is good it leaves me feeling that it needs something more.


Smoking Wicks and Lakes of Sand by Andrew W

Thematic resonance – 4/5
Technical Excellence -2/5
Composition – 2/5
Message – 2/5
Originality – 4/5

14

I really don’t want to come down heavily on someone expressing writer’s block but this lacks originality. Although I like the idea of the desert/block metaphor, it isn’t a new one. Again, this is also let down by typos/errors. I think that there is something here and that, with a fresh look, it can be worked and something drawn out of it.


My Heart by SerenityJS

Thematic resonance – 3/5
Technical Excellence -3/5
Composition – 2/5
Message – 2/5
Originality – 4/5

14

This poem barely touches the desert theme confusing it with metaphors that clash completely. Again it is not helped by typos/errors. The central formatting is off-putting. There are some good lines in here but I think that they could be applied to different poems rather than be used as a cocktail of images in this one.


The Desert God by RCallaci

Thematic resonance – 5/5
Technical Excellence -3/5
Composition – 3/5
Message – 4/5
Originality – 4/5

19

I’m quite surprised to see Bob post a poem in a challenge that has typos in it. For shame, and for me it killed what could be a winning entry. The poem is strong and witty and the central format actually works for this one. The idea isn’t totally original but it is well presented in a witty way.


Waiting for Wildflower Season by Foxee

Thematic resonance – 5/5
Technical Excellence -4/5
Composition – 4/5
Message – 5/5
Originality – 5/5

23

For me, the only thing that lets this poem down is the wishy-washy use of punctuation. Punctuation should be used, or not used, consistently. The poem paints a good scene with nice imagery. S2 L2 is weak in that it uses “a” as a last word, a weak line ending where a stronger word would give more to the poem. A good read none-the-less and, to me, one that best fitted all the criteria of the challenge.


Sweet as Desert Breeze by Ilasir Maroa

Thematic resonance – 5/5
Technical Excellence -5/5
Composition – 4/5
Message – 5/5
Originality – 5/5

24

This poem meets all the criteria of the contest, in my opinion, and is well structured and thoughtfully worked out. If Ilasir is to work this further then I would suggest adding another image to centre the others in the scene.

Shawn

Scores Continued:

Cold Twilight


Devour
Thematic Resonance, or how well the theme can be discerned. 4
Technical Excellence, or how well the poet utilizes grammar and spelling. 3.5 Some words misused grammatically.
Composition, or how well the poem is constructed and how well the poet uses poetic devices. 5
Message, or how impact the theme is. 3.5 This is a bit confusing. The basic idea is there, but it is clouded.
Originality, or how unique the poem is. 5

21

*****

The Block
Thematic Resonance, or how well the theme can be discerned. 4
Technical Excellence, or how well the poet utilizes grammar and spelling. 3 --good structure, but punctuation not providing punctuation.
Composition, or how well the poem is constructed and how well the poet uses poetic devices. 5
Message, or how impact the theme is. 5
Originality, or how unique the poem is. 5

22

*****

Dust Devil
Thematic Resonance, or how well the theme can be discerned. 5
Technical Excellence, or how well the poet utilizes grammar and spelling. 3.5
Composition, or how well the poem is constructed and how well the poet uses poetic devices. 5
Message, or how impact the theme is. 5
Originality, or how unique the poem is. 5

23.5

This one was my favorite.

*****

The Desert Rose
Thematic Resonance, or how well the theme can be discerned. 5
Technical Excellence, or how well the poet utilizes grammar and spelling. 4 from second verse onward, there is an increasing lack of punctuation where emphasis seems to be needed for the flow
Composition, or how well the poem is constructed and how well the poet uses poetic devices. 5
Message, or how impact the theme is. 5
Originality, or how unique the poem is. 5

24

*****

Day by Night
Thematic Resonance, or how well the theme can be discerned. 5
Technical Excellence, or how well the poet utilizes grammar and spelling. 4
Composition, or how well the poem is constructed and how well the poet uses poetic devices. 4
Message, or how impact the theme is. 4
Originality, or how unique the poem is. 5

22

*****

Planting a Seed
Thematic Resonance, or how well the theme can be discerned. 5
Technical Excellence, or how well the poet utilizes grammar and spelling. 5
Composition, or how well the poem is constructed and how well the poet uses poetic devices. 4
Message, or how impact the theme is. 5
Originality, or how unique the poem is. 5

24

Really liked this one too.

*****
Rainbow Serpent
Thematic Resonance, or how well the theme can be discerned. 3
Technical Excellence, or how well the poet utilizes grammar and spelling. 2
Composition, or how well the poem is constructed and how well the poet uses poetic devices. 4
Message, or how impact the theme is. 2
Originality, or how unique the poem is. 5

16

Beautiful beginning, but not enough to really get anywhere.

*****

Smoking Wicks and Lakes of Sand
Thematic Resonance, or how well the theme can be discerned. 5
Technical Excellence, or how well the poet utilizes grammar and spelling. 3
Composition, or how well the poem is constructed and how well the poet uses poetic devices. 3.5
Message, or how impact the theme is. 5
Originality, or how unique the poem is. 5

21.5

I like this one as well, more toward the middle of my liking, but it still has that 'cachet' to it.

*****

My Heart
Thematic Resonance, or how well the theme can be discerned. 3
Technical Excellence, or how well the poet utilizes grammar and spelling. 2.5
Composition, or how well the poem is constructed and how well the poet uses poetic devices. 3
Message, or how impact the theme is. 3
Originality, or how unique the poem is. 4

15.5

The use of words was well done, and the idea was a good one, but putting it all together, it was sidetracked by grammer and disconnected phrases.

*****

The Desert God
Thematic Resonance, or how well the theme can be discerned. 5
Technical Excellence, or how well the poet utilizes grammar and spelling. 3
Composition, or how well the poem is constructed and how well the poet uses poetic devices. 5
Message, or how impact the theme is. 5
Originality, or how unique the poem is. 5

23

This one made me laugh! Neat way of introducing a 'devil', and the capitalization, and lack thereof, was interesting rather than distracting.

*****

Waiting for Wildflower Season
Thematic Resonance, or how well the theme can be discerned. 5
Technical Excellence, or how well the poet utilizes grammar and spelling. 4
Composition, or how well the poem is constructed and how well the poet uses poetic devices. 5
Message, or how impact the theme is. 5
Originality, or how unique the poem is. 5

24

Nice poem; a bit tame after some of the others, but nice.

*****

Sweet As Desert Breeze
Thematic Resonance, or how well the theme can be discerned. 5
Technical Excellence, or how well the poet utilizes grammar and spelling. 5
Composition, or how well the poem is constructed and how well the poet uses poetic devices. 5
Message, or how impact the theme is. 5
Originality, or how unique the poem is. 5

25

Technically a very good poem, but it doesn’t quite catch my fancy.



Shawn


Vangoghssear

Thematic Resonance: 5
Technical Excellence: 5
Composition: 3
Message: 4
Originality: 4

Total: 21

Even without the indicators, I can tell this is a desert. Good job on the imagery. Technically excellent. However, I felt there was something missing from the whole, and because of that, as you can see, I deducted points from the last three categories.


Apple

Thematic Resonance: 2
Technical Excellence: 5
Composition: 5
Message: 5
Originality: 5

Total: 22

Excellent poem. I well enjoyed it. Your use of dialogue really brought the character to the forefront of the poem instead of the setting. However, I didn’t get a desolate feel out of it… or a real indication that any part of this was about bareness or a desert; so that’s why I deducted from Thematic Resonance. The assigned theme did not show through.


Mermaid on the Breakwater

Thematic Resonance: 3
Technical Excellence: 5
Composition: 3
Message: 5
Originality: 5

Total: 21

Good. This lot seems to be of good quality. The only real beef I had with your entry, which is not much of a beef at all, is that I felt your message could be put in better terms. I deducted from Thematic Resonance because I almost got the feeling in the beginning that the word desert was just tacked on to make it eligible for the competition. I particularly liked the last line, however, as it reminded me of an old More poem I read where he used the phrase “and grows to some Southern tree.” Very beautiful analogy for death, in my opinion.


Olly Buckle

Thematic Resonance: 5
Technical Excellence: 5
Composition: 3
Message: 4
Originality: 5

Total: 22

Olly, excellent, lovely poem. If I were a geography teacher, this would be a choice one for students. In my mind‘s eye, it brings a wonderful snapshot of desert nightlife, but at the same time, my analytical part is thinking of all the analogies to human behavior in the way of it. Certainly, a lot of emphasis is put on complicated themes; but this shows how simple and pervasive nature is.


Mister Jack

Thematic Resonance: 5
Technical Excellence: 5
Composition: 4
Message: 5
Originality: 5

Total: 24

Ah! Now this is something I don’t see every day. Carmen Figuratum. Congratulations, you caught me in pleasant surprise. I have no problem with this aside from the last few lines. Your similes before that last one were naturalistic and surreal… I’m not sure I would consider an ex running off with my clothes surreal. Good job.


David Betzer

Thematic Resonance: 5
Technical Excellence: 5
Composition: 3
Message: 3
Originality: 5

Total: 21

David, good piece. Could this be a work of forewarning? Or is it a vision that’s already occurred? The thought provocation is what sends me to give this higher scores than what I would. The composition doesn’t make much effort to fit to the mood. Very decent, though.


Autumn

Thematic Resonance: 5
Technical Excellence: 5
Composition: 2
Message: 3
Originality: 3

Total: 18

I don’t really want to sugar coat this, because with the word choice that you showed here, I feel that the composition could’ve been a lot better. The message lacks much emphasis because it is something that has been said before. The composition fell apart for me when you used the word “desert” as an line break twice. Or, really, with the number of words in this, using the word desert twice at all. Perhaps this just wasn’t the topic for you.


Andrew_W

Thematic Resonance: 3
Technical Excellence: 5
Composition: 3
Message: 2
Originality: 2

Total: 15

Certainly a resonating message here, but I think that your problems with writer’s block may be due to you writing about it. The desert portion appeared as a footnote at the end, even though it could’ve been metaphorical throughout.


SerenityJS

Thematic Resonance: 5
Technical Excellence: 5
Composition: 3
Message: 5
Originality: 5

Total: 23

Good work. However, I think that the formatting of this detracted from the message, so I deducted a bit for that.


Rcallaci

Thematic Resonance: 5
Technical Excellence: 5
Composition: 3
Message: 5
Originality: 5

Total: 23

This made me chuckle for a good while. I never figured you as a god-in-waiting. I deducted a bit from the composition because it just didn’t flow for me. But… that’s just me talking.


Foxee

Thematic Resonance: 5
Technical Excellence: 5
Composition: 5
Message: 5
Originality: 5

Total: 25

What do you say when you can hear yourself nodding? Excellent. Relatable. Just… great. Good job.


Ilasir Maroa

Thematic Resonance: 5
Technical Excellence: 5
Composition: 4
Message: 5
Originality: 5

Total: 24

I must say, I’ve been a bit naughty. I peeked at the bottom of this thread to see your poem before I started scoring. Some kind of Christmas thing. Excellent. My only minute problem was the break in rhythm in line fourteen.



Total Scores

Vangoghsear- 83/100

Apple- 86/100

Mermaid on the Breakwater- 78/100

Olly Buckle- 83/100

MisterJack- 88.5/100

DavidBetzer- 78/100

Autumn- 63.5/100

Andrew_W- 62.5/100

SerenityJS- 67/100

RCallaci- 84.75/100

Foxee- 91.25/100

Ilasir Maroa- 95.75/100



Winners

Third Place- MisterJack
Second Place- Foxee
First Place - Ilasir Maroa


Good job, everyone! Great scores. Let's give a big round of applause to our judges who spent their time doing this thing. Big round of applause to our winners, who won truly with their creative ability and imagination.

Ilasir, if you would PM me your decision for the next round within the space of a week.

A week's break, people, then we're back on the horse.

Baron

Congratulations to Ilasir, Foxee and Jack. A worthy winner, I think, Ilasir.

__________________

Foxee

Thank you, judges! You had a tough job this time around and I appreciate the feedback very much.

Enjoyed reading these entries. Ilasir, congrats. MisterJack, loved it.

Nice job with this round, Shawn. Thanks for keeping the poetry contest going.

__________________
If the staff were bent on policing your thoughts there would be nothing but a smoking hole where the debate forum used to be.

Mirror

__________________
Selected poetry by Ariana Rink and John Williamson:

http://www.lulu.com/content/2956099

Ilasir Maroa

I know this sounds bad, and I am greatful for the positive responses, but I'm a bit shocked I even placed with that one. Certanly Foxee and apple were my top choices. Several poems vied for third.

Anyway, thanks for the repsonses, and I plan on suggesting a very tricky and unique theme... Muhahahahahaha!

P.S. Baron, as in many of my poems, the moon was supposed to be the center. Desert moonlight is one of my most favorite kinds. Perhaps I'll expand this a bit though.

__________________
My hopeful book:
Crap! Haven't posted it anywhere yet, darn!
"Only tyranny cloaks itself in shadows. The light of justice can not be hidden."

www.theoddvillepress.com

rcallaci

I found this to be a quite enjoyable experience. My thanks to the judges (Shawn, Mirror, Baron, and Cold twilight) for their honest insightful critiques and excellent judging skills.

My congratulations to all who entered this challenge especially to the top three (Mister Jack, Foxee, and Ilasir) outstanding poems and marvelous and talented poets.

A special thanks to Shawn for administering this contest with a deft and graceful hand.

My warmest
bob

P.S. Baron, I do stand shamed by my grievous typo-( I only counted one-which is still one too many)) my excuse-stupidy and lazieness which is a bad excuse but the only one I have. fixed the to to too- I told you I was stupid....

__________________
Nature weeps, the devil sings
at man’s greed and pride
and what it brings

Just lots of useless
little things…

God is Dead; He died yesterday from Nothing...

http://theoddvillepress.com

Matt3483

I think you mean 'too'.

Just kidding.

__________________
Reading is to me like water is to a fish: I can't live without it.

vangoghsear

Congratulations to all of the winners, MisterJack, interesting format, really worked well and neat little twist at the end. Foxee, I knew your poem was going to be among the winners the second I read it (you are officially no longer allowed to say you are not a poet ). Ilasir, a very beautiful work, lovely flow and feel.

Thanks judges for your time and comments. Thanks Shawn for administering the process!

All of the poems were quite good in their own ways, I thought. Very fun exercise, turned out some nice poetry.

__________________
If writing is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Foxee

Thanks, Vangoghsear! I am working on improving and the judge's feedback really helps. I really enjoyed your poem, too. The imagery was breathtaking!

__________________
If the staff were bent on policing your thoughts there would be nothing but a smoking hole where the debate forum used to be.

MisterJack

Ditto

I'd like to say, 'wow', firstly. Now that's done, thanks to the judges for their work in this comp. I don't envy you having that task one bit, and the comments are all duely noted. Thanks to shawn for running a smooth comp and keeping it going. Thanks to everyone for reading and comments.

Congrats certainly go out to the winning piece, followed by my personal favourite from the no-longer 'non-poet' Foxee. Can we see more of you on the boards please

And, Kudos to everyone who entered. Hopefully see you at the next installment.


Regards

Jack

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

--------------

Foxee

Why ty! I'll see what I can do. I had you pegged for the winner of this round, Jack.

__________________
If the staff were bent on policing your thoughts there would be nothing but a smoking hole where the debate forum used to be.

MisterJack

You're just trying to make me blush. You are most kind Foxee and I'm glad you enjoyed the piece. Look forward to seeing you on the next round?

__________________
If it claims to be God, eat it.

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apple

Wonderful poem Ilasir. Congratulations on a well deserved win. Foxee and Jack, your poems are awesome.

To the judges, thank you for your hard work and effort.

Mermaid on the breakwater

Well done everyone, top three especially. I had forgotten about this challenge but I am glad that it produced some good work. Kudos guys/gals. Thanks to the judges, too.

__________________
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