05/22/08 - Sacrifice Scores - Writers Forum

Hawke · 06-12-2008, 05:34 PM

I'd like to extend a huge thank you to eggo, Sam Winchester and Tiamat for judging this round. (Note: Foxee was indisposed and so couldn't judge this round.) Also, a huge thank you to Chris Miller for providing another excellent prompt, and to everyone who submitted. Well done, all.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for—your LM scores.

Inky: 12, 16, 17, 14 = 59 - Average = 14.75
bryndavis: 16, 14, 15, 17 = 62 - Average = 15.5
Garden of Kadesh: 12, 15, 11, 14 = 52 - Average = 13
Mike: 15, 17, 17, 16 = 65 - Average = 16.25
Chris Miller: 19, 17.5, 19, 19 = 74.5 - Average = 18.625
AnnoyingAlliteration: 14, 14, 16, 15 = 59 - Average = 14.75
Brightside: 15, 13, 14, 15 = 57 - Average = 14.25
Raging_Hopeful: 17, 17, 19, 18 = 71 - Average = 17.75
Amber Leaf: 10, 14, 14, 12 = 50 - Average = 12.5
seigfried007: 16, 17.5, 15, 17 = 65.5 - Average = 16.375
smilinghelps: 17, 18.5, 16, 17 = 68.5 - Average = 17.125
velo: 16, 19, 15, 16 = 66 - Average = 16.5
Remedy: 15, 18, 14, 17 = 64 - Average = 16
Ghost X: 12, 14.5, 14, 12 = 52.5 - Average = 13.125

First place: Chris Miller!

Second place: Raging Hopeful!

Third place: smilinghelps!

Congratulations!

Note: Please let me know asap if there are any errors or omissions. Thank you.

Hawke · 06-12-2008, 05:43 PM

eggo's Scores

Inky
The Fate of a Cheeseburger

Good idea that tried to work on too many levels with too few words. The woman acted as a foil that could have been replaced with the reader. The dialog was very crisp at the beginning and sort of trailed away.

Good use of the word count

12

bryndavis
RED

That font killed me, have pity on us old blind bastards. You did well to get this under the word count, but in doing so I think you may have damaged this one.

Quote:

As children, we were strung up by her words

This line describes “children”, we know he is one but who is the other? By context clues, I’m guessing Bev is his sister? There were a few things like this that kind of wounded the flow and occluded some very nice prose. I would love to read the unedited version, but as it is sorry,
16

Garden of Kadesh
The Rudiments?

This didn’t really work for me. Too much stepping outside of your voice to be believable. It’s almost as if the narrator couldn’t wait to get the punch line.

Quote:

and the shamans had begun their ritual. They encircled a bonfire.

Think about,
and the shamans had begun their ritual encircling the bonfire.

Quote:

They had cured Ergil’s illness through ritualistic beatings.

You would consider them ritualistic, they would consider them normal. Be careful not to step outside your voice.

Ending was sort of a “So it was earth after all” finish.
Nice idea, but with the short word count and came off a little rushed,

12

Mike

The Death of Manga

Nice variation on the theme. I’m not so sure that his sacrifice will buy anything or turn the tide.
A great literate person, forever know for dying in a comic book factory seems wholly ironic to me. A few tech problems pulled me out.

15

Chris Miller

Fun With Dick and Jane

Quote:

I believe Jane was popular in high school, was once a prom queen

First time through, I read this as porn queen.

Quote:

He has to be to spend every hour of every day looking after Jane, like helping her use the special, high toilet they bought to replace the old one in our women’s washroom so they could still go out together.

There is a story right here.

The more I read about you here at the restaurant, the more I believe that’s where your mind is. It seems as if you’re comfortable there and more importantly, writing about it. I would consider a book comprised as a series of shorts revolving around the place.

Excellent story. A trifle rushed in some areas, the word count stifled this and made you adopt a staccato voice that seems bare bones and prob grated a bit on you.

19

AnnoyingAlliteration
Reggie for Rabbits - 407 Words

Quote:

she met the man with the big yellow hat

Thought about Curious George instantly

Quote:

He had long white hair and a white beard

He had long white hair and beard.

Quote:

"I know,” she said “but what’s those?”

Missing punctuation

Quote:

“Apple” he said gruffly “I kill animals and sell their parts.

Here too.

“Apple”, he said gruffly, “I kill animals and sell their parts.
Too heavy a hand here for my tastes. The way the old man says, “I kill animals..” seems too over the top. I think he could be portrayed a bit more diplomatic and I’m not sure how a 9 year old got away by herself on a regular basis.

14

Brightside
So, what of sacrifice?

A couple of characters were brought into this story and never really used and that kind of split my focus. I’m not sure if the fragmented style with the ellipses really serves this idea.
It is a very good idea, which I think may have come off better with a straight narrative.

15

Raging_Hopeful

Sandy - 500 words

Very well written, very well structured.
The pacing and plot were done very well, but the plot is “Don’t take candy from strangers”. This seems cliché’ to me and I don’t wonder what this could evolve into if you could take it another direction from the outset.

The clean prose really helped this,

17

Amber Leaf

History.(500 words)

Sorry, but a lot of mechanical problems that made this a jarring read. Kind of ran on as a synopsis of the story that you had in your head, but never really came to fruition.
I would have much rather just frozen a moment in time, perhaps the kitchen argument, and let things develop in dialog.

10

seigfried007

In Pursuit of a Pulitzer

Quote:

Travis kneels and draws on the carpeted floor while mumbling indecipherably.

Odd, how you say carpet here. Can you draw on carpet in chalk?
Reminiscent of “the Ring” or “Watch the video and die” type of genre. The dialog seemed to want to be tongue-in-cheek, but also seemed to want to be serious and I think that those two fought each other here.

Clean writing, as always

16

smilinghelps
One More Good Day

This started off fantastic. The prose was perfectly balance with description that quickly brought us in. It seemed to degenerate for me towards the end, as if you weren’t absolutely certain where you wanted this to go.
Perhaps it was just me, but in the end I looked to be rewarded and it kind of went out with a whimper. I would revisit this with a clearer end game. A good story

17
velo
Sacrificial Lamb

Couldn’t get how a woman who was so easily battered by her husband would kill her own brother. It would seem that she would just kill her husband and be done with it, so the brother killing seems like the deux machine to make this go.
You seem to have a forte for dialog, not easy to do.

16
Remedy

Stalking an Angel - 500 words

Quote:

Last edited by Remedy : 06-05-2008 at 02:40 AM. Reason: Formatting sucks (close to screaming by 3rd edit)

Too true! Formatting sometimes make me pull my hair out.

Good story that didn’t really break out of the cliché. Stalking man commits suicide to prove his love. You’ve got to turn this on its edge. Break this out of the tired halls and make it march down the street.

Have him shoot random people until she says she loves him. Maybe hold up his hands and shoot his own fingers off one at a time. The point I’m making is a story has got to transcend the ordinary to stand out and while your writing is tight, plot has to take the reader to somewhere new.

Nice writing,

15

Ghost.X
Ben and Odin - 489

I guess my father wanted the dog to run away, because they were such a burden.
It was or dogs.
Look, many problems here with plurals and mechanics, but this story, rough as hell, sang to me. It seemed as though it came from your heart, which makes a story work a little better.
Maybe you lost a dog?
Try reading this aloud and I’m sure you’ll catch a lot of errors.

12

Hawke · 06-12-2008, 05:46 PM

Sam Winchester's Scores

Inky -- The Fate of a Cheeseburger

A well written piece. Good voice and tone. Never got the ending, though. 16/20.

Bryn Davis -- Red

Your dialogue was poor. I didn't know who was talking and when. You usually take a new paragraph when someone new is speaking. You don't take multiple paragraphs when that same person is still speaking - unless what they are saying is long and the subject changes, which it didn't. 14/20

Garden of Kadesh -- The Rudiments?

Thunderously beautiful? Terrifically terrifying? How can someone be thunderously beautiful? Aside from that, I thought the writing was quite good. The ending, though...? What the heck? Helicopter? I had to read back over it twice to understand it, and still without success. 15/20.

Mike -- The Death Of Manga

I was sucked in from the beginning, so well done for that! The shooting part almost happened too fast for my liking. I didn't really see it coming, which isn't all bad. Very nice piece. 17/20.

Chris Miller - Fun With Dick and Jane

Tight writing again, Chris. I enjoyed this piece. Nice to see that you can write both comedy and drama. Well done. 17.5/20

Annoying Alliteration -- Reggie for Rabbits

A bit of repetition in the first few paragraphs hindered the beginning. The change of POV from Reggie to Apple was confusing, too. Other than that, it was okay. 14/20

Brightside -- So, what of sacrifice?

Sorry, didn't like this at all. I guess I was supposed to feel sorry for the MC. I didn't. Not even close. In fact, I wanted the mother to smack him/her over the head with a frying pan. Oh well. 13/20

Raging Hopeful -- Sandy

Well, that's a bit controversial! Nicely done, though! I thought she was going to kidnap the kid, or shoot her dead. What kind of sacrifice is that! Well done, though. 17/20

Amber Leaf -- History.

Hey, how about that! I used to drive a Leibherr back in my machine-operator days. Your use of a semi-colon in the first sentence is wrong. And in the following sentence, too. Miscarried. Wrong use of semi-colons in pretty much every place you used them. Sorry, I couldn't get into it. 14/20.

Seigfried007 -- In Pursuit of a Pulitzer

Interesting. A nice twist to the sacrifice scenario. It's original and engrossing. I loved it. Well done. 17.5/20

Smiling Helps -- One More Good Day

I'll give you my score when I stop crying. No, seriously. Beautifully written, Smiling. Hooked me in and didn't let go. Well done! 18.5/20

Velo -- Sacrificial Lamb

Terrifically done! Absolutely brilliant piece, Velo. Even when I thought I had it figured out, it still surprised me! My winner. 19/20

Remedy -- Stalking an Angel

Wow! Didn't see that coming! Nice tight writing. Good characterisation. Strong, unforced dialogue. And a brilliant ending. Excellent piece. 18/20

Ghost.X -- Ben and Odin

I'm afraid you lost my attention after the first paragraph. I didn't enjoy a lot of it. For a first go at this challenge, though, it's good. Keep trying. 14.5/20

Hawke · 06-12-2008, 05:47 PM

Tiamat10's Scores

The Fate of a Cheeseburger
Inky
I liked the beginning a lot but lost interest as it progressed. Still, the last paragraph tied it up nicely. It may have been a little over the top, but it makes a point. I like when stories have a purpose. Despite the use of a cliché or two (‘once and for all’, for example), the writing was superb. 17/20

Red
bryndavis
I felt like there was a whole story left out of this. The writing is riddled with clichés (‘neither rhyme nor reason’), redundancies (if the weather has ‘neither rhyme nor reason’, it can’t be anything but ‘painfully erratic’), and needless adverbs (‘to truly forgive’), and I really didn’t buy the end. What little girl would by bread when ice cream was available? I challenge you to show me that girl. 15/20

The Rudiments?
Garden of Kadesh
I figured it would end the way it did, so that killed my enjoyment of the story. ‘Terrifically’ was misspelled, and if ever there was an annoying alliteration, ‘terrifically terrified’ is it. ‘Monstrous mosquito’ isn’t much better. No matter how many times I read this, it still strikes me as random and hastily put together. This story is written almost entirely in the passive voice, and the writing is literally choked with adjectives and adverbs. 11/20

The Death of Manga
Mike
I liked the surprise ending and I like the message of the story, for the most part. There’s some very good writing in this. It flowed well and I had no trouble getting involved with the piece. The only thing I didn’t like was the phrase ‘shot him dead’. It’s something I expect a little kid to say, not someone who reads ‘Pride and Prejudice’. 17/20

Fun with Dick and Jane
Chris Miller
Reads more like a character sketch than a story really, but I still enjoyed it. Practically flawless writing, evocative imagery, smooth alliterations, and a good, solid description of both Dick and Jane. The only thing that I didn’t like was the repetition of the phrase, ‘I don’t know how I know.’ I think it would have had its intended effect if it was used farther apart from one another, but since it was used twice in the same paragraph, it just drew unnecessary attention to itself. 19/20

Reggie for Rabbits
Annoying Alliteration
There’s some really bad comma usage in this. Commas go between adjectives (like in the case of ‘big, yellow, triangular spots’) and you add a few commas where they shouldn’t be. (‘…she thought about it and she knew, she wanted Reggie to meet the rabbits…’) You do a pretty decent job of using a little kid’s voice to tell the story, and the end got an ‘aawww’ out of me. Poor Reggie. 16/20

So, What of Sacrifice?
Brightside
Interesting insight into a selfish kid’s outlook on life and methods of dealing with his parents’ divorce. The writing was pretty sound, but I think this would do better if it were longer, rather than as a piece of flash. 14/20

Sandy
Raging Hopeful
Creepy. The short, simple style of the sentences give it a fast, urgent feel that really kept me riveted from start to finish. I do wonder why the girl was so quick to accept the assault though. That’s the only thing that jumps out at me here. It seems like you were just trying to wrap it up before you overstepped the word limit. 19/20

History
Amber Leaf
The punctuation in this is atrocious. You’ve all but forgone the use of commas, and in the few places where you knew a pause was needed, you mistakenly used a semi-colon instead. Other nits—‘miscarry’ is one word, not hyphenated, and the same goes for ‘unstable’. The idea is a good one; I like the irony that your MC sacrificed his future to be with the woman he loved, who repeatedly whines about how she gave up her future. It has a very realistic feel to it. 14/20

In Pursuit of a Pulitzer
seigfried007
I didn’t really care for the news article style of story telling here. I don’t find it very effective because it’s written with a distant, emotionless feel, so I read it with that same sense of detachment. I did find some of the dialogue interesting, and I liked how Travis died from seeing Satan’s true form. Very cool, that. 15/20

One More Good Day
smilinghelps
You first sentence isn’t at all effective. This story is quite clearly about the characters, so your first sentence should introduce us to your MC. But it doesn’t—first you introduced us to a sofa, then to Michael, then to a dog, and then, finally, to your MC. Because of that, I had trouble establishing the POV. Also, comma splices are everywhere. You’re not Hemmingway (I don’t think

) so you don’t get to do that. Use semi-colons or conjunctions if you want to join your sentences. On the whole, I enjoyed the story, depressing though it was. And I loved your last line. 16/20

Sacrificial Lamb
velo
I’m afraid I don’t entirely buy this. I get the MC’s incentive to kill the husband, but wives of abusive husbands don’t generally have the cool clarity of mind that it would take to slit your brother’s throat. Also, I thought you overdid it somewhat on the imagery. I saw one or two redundancies (‘possible detail and possibility). 15/20

Stalking an Angel
Remedy
Competently written, barring a few minor problems, but lacking in originality. We’ve all read the stalker-who-kills-himself story many, many times. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t figured it out after the first paragraph, but unfortunately, I did. 14/20

Ben and Odin
Ghost.X
A very emotional story, especially for me because I love dogs, but not so well-written, I’m afraid. There were punctuation problems, tense problems, repetition problems, and just general bad flow. I think if you touched this up, it could turn into a very appealing (and sad) piece, but it needs a lot of work. 14/20

Hawke · 06-12-2008, 05:54 PM

Hawke's Scores

The Fate of a Cheeseburger by Inky - 14
Nits: “You call this—" she pointed at Bob, “sacrifice?” = “You call this"—she pointed at Bob—“sacrifice?”; You…you = space after ellipses; “… and now”—she smiled bitterly—“now…”; sandwiches and cheeseburgers are two different animals, but that might be just me.

I kind of expected her to say something like “like you did mine” but it didn’t happen which kind of let me down. I can assume, of course, but it isn’t the same thing. Good job though. Thank you.

Red by bryndavis - 17
Nits: ice-cream = ice cream; afterall = after all

Interesting about the red sky. I’ve always heard “Red sky at night, sailors delight. Red sky in the morning, sailors take warning.” Guess it works out to be the same thing though. I think this suffered a bit from the small word count. Good work though. Thank you.

The Rudiments? by Garden of Kedesh - 14
Nits: terrificly = terrifically; of his might...or so = space after ellipses; some punctuation problems

I had two problems with this. One was its predictability, and the other was not knowing the victim in any way and so not really caring about her fate. Wish I had. Wish you’d have use the full 500 words to get me (the reader) to feel for the woman. Darn. Thank you though.

The Death of Manga by Mike - 16
Nits: “… Enterprise is it not?” = “… Enterprise, is it not?”

A few too many “He” kept wrenching me out of the story. I liked the book liberation idea though, and of course I would; I like works about writing. I also liked that I didn’t figure out what was happening until it happened. Although, am I missing something when I gather he blew himself and the classics up? And if so, why did he bother to dog-ear the novel? Regardless, good job. Thank you.

Fun With Dick and Jane by Chris Miller -19
Nits: a couple of missing commas. (Hey, I have to say something!)

Is this true? It reads true to me. A fine job. Heartwarming. Thank you.

Reggie for Rabbits by Annoying Alliteration - 15
Nits: A few comma quibbles; a tense quibble

That’s so sad! I hate that old man. Didn’t find what he said believable either though. I mean, how many men would tell a little girl he killed animals? And is it a pet store or an exotic foods store, or… ? If it’s foods, I’m pretty sure they usually don’t kill their animals on the premises, is all. Well, none that I’m familiar with, anyway. Unless it’s lobster. Okay, I’m stopping now. Good job. Thank you.

So, what of sacrifice? by Brightside - 15
Nits: its Marshall = it’s (it is); tense quibbles

Ah the teenage angst. I’m guessing your main char is in his middle school years, though that would conflict with the “soon will be free” part. I find the grade twelve’s to be under more pressure but less angsty, if that makes sense. More into the future and less “poor me.” A good read though. Thank you.

Sandy by Raging_Hopeful - 18
Okay, at first I thought he was a boy. Then… it really disturbed me. But that in itself says you evoked a strong emotion, which is what stories are supposed to do. Can’t say I loved it or even liked it, only because of the topic you chose. I would, however, like to greet your MC with an aluminum baseball bat to his… well, I’m sure you can fill in the rest.

History by Amber Leaf - 12
Nits: Lots of punctuation and run-on problems.

I’m sorry to say, but this didn’t work for me. It might have been because of the nits though.

In Pursuit of a Pulitzer by seigfried007 -17
Now that was a wild ride. Good job. Thank you.

One More Good Day by smilinghelps - 17
Yep, stress indeed. Many trek from doctor to doctor, suffering for years, until one finally has an answer. Sadly, that’s happened to several individuals in my own family. Am I bitter about it? You bet. Good job with this, smiling. Thank you.

Sacrificial Lamb by velo - 16
Nits: as loud as I could holding up the (missing a word?)

The ending seemed to come out of left field. I mean, why would she kill her brother? They could have tried to make it look like a home invasion gone bad or something. Perhaps if there had been some background, something that made her hate her brother enough… Hmm. Thank you.

Stalking an Angel by Remedy - 17
Nits: Over the word count by a few. Though it isn’t enough to call for a public stoning, it could be grounds for disqualification in another venue.

Good work, Remedy. Thank you.

Ben and Odin by Ghost.X - 12
In my mind, the father should have dropped them off at the shelter or in the country or something—either would have made more sense. Putting them down didn’t, so the story just didn’t ring true to me and that means it didn’t work for me. Sorry. That, and I don’t know many kids who would agree to let anyone put their animals down for any reason without one hell of a fight. Might just be me though. Thank you.

smilinghelps · 06-12-2008, 08:23 PM

Thank you so much! Thank you judges (hope Foxee is OK!) and all the participants. I am truly honored to be recognized with such writers as Chris Miller and Raging Hopeful. Congrats!!

Mike · 06-12-2008, 08:42 PM

Thank you very much, judges. There were many good stories in there.

I wrote mine in one night, as a warm-up for my 'serious' writing. It was really fun to write spontaneous like that.

To answer your question, Hawke, he dog-earred the novel as a final gesture.

Remedy · 06-12-2008, 09:40 PM

Cool. Congratulations to the winners, and thanks for the judges. It was a fun challenge.

Leave it to me to come up with a totally unoriginal idea without realizing that it had been done before.

I appreciate it all.

Raging_Hopeful · 06-12-2008, 10:50 PM

OooOoo!! I've never placed in an LM before! YAY! *note to self: stick to disturbing stories*

Congrats to everyone! There were some great pieces!

Cheers,
Linz

Ghost.X · 06-12-2008, 11:46 PM

True story

Chris Miller · 06-13-2008, 10:47 AM

Thanks judges. For your generosity. I, in all honesty and uncharacteristic humility, didn't think mine deserved this one. As biased as I am toward my own pieces, there were ones I liked more. Maybe it pays to write essays when everyone else is writing fiction. Like, if you can't be better, be different. Thanks contestants.

eggo · 06-13-2008, 08:27 PM

It didn't surprise me at all. Four judges working independently scored yours very high and three marks were the same.

Aamof, I was shocked to see that most scores varied by only three points. With four completely different people, scores tend to be all over the map.

I think we got it right.

And thank you everyone for subbing some great stories.The hard work you guys put in was evident. It makes the job as a judge, while still difficult, a lot of fun having something good to read.

velo · 06-13-2008, 09:30 PM

Thanks for the time/effort, eggo.

GodofLiterature · 06-21-2008, 03:52 AM

Yours was the best, velo.

All you need is character motivation, and an keen eye on detail.

eggo · 06-21-2008, 02:10 PM

Quote:

Yours was the best, velo.

All you need is character motivation, and an keen eye on detail.

I've been thinking about this a bit. If the brother was the husband's best friend, perhaps the one that introduced them and poo-pooed her every time she was abused.

Convincing her not to press charges, telling her it was her own fault, then I could buy the end result.

But then you would have to front load the story with him killing the husband by accident.

Don't know, just ruminating a bit.