03/17/08 - Delivery! Scores - Writers Forum

Hawke · 04-07-2008, 02:06 AM

I'd like to extend a huge thank you to Chris Miller, Lost in Some Story and Katastrof for judging this round. (Due to circumstances beyond her control, ArlenOrobono was unable to judge.)

Also, a huge thank you to eggo for the excellent prompt, and to everyone who submitted. Well done, all.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for—your LM scores.

Non Serviam - 17.5, 15, 17, 17 = 66.5 - Average = 16.62
Sam Winchester - 17, 13, 15, 16.5 = 61.5 - Average = 15.37
Tiamat10 - 16, 16, 14, 15 = 61 - Average = 15.25
Katastroff - N/A (Judge)
CodeRed - 15.5, 17, 14, 16 = 62.5 - Average = 15.62
GunslingersRequiem - 18.5, 19, 14.5, 18 = 70 - Average = 17.5
IrishLad - 19, 20, 19, 19 = 77 - Average = 19.25
ScorpioJoe - 17.5, 11, 11, 16.5 = 56 - Average = 14
vangoghsear - 18, 18, 13, 18 = 67 - Average = 16.75
alanmt - 16, 18, 16, 18 = 68 - Average = 17
Remedy - 14.5, 14, 13.5, 14 = 56 - Average = 14
smilinghelps - 17.5, 16, 18, 18 = 69.5 - Average = 17.37
eggo - 16.5, 15, 17, 17.5 = 66 - Average = 16.5

First place: Irish Lad

Second place: GunslingersRequiem

Third place: smilinghelps

Congratulations!

Hawke · 04-07-2008, 02:07 AM

Chris Miller’s Scores

Thanks for the opportunity to read and opine on these. Tough field.

Non Serviam: Vincent's Video – 17.5

Enjoyable little noir double-cross. Nice heroine! A woman impersonating a man impersonating a woman… or is it the other way around? Who wouldn’t marry her? Pretty convoluted little plot for flash, yet easy to follow.

Sam Winchester: DEAD ON ARRIVAL – 17

Clean prose. Creates suspense.

sunk=sank (google “conjugate sink”)

'You have exactly thirty minutes, starting from now,' the deep-throat voice instructed,…
“deep-throat”? Seriously? Thirty minutes ought to be enough then.

He sailed through the doors of the Metropolitan Hospital Center on 99th Street, and stopped dead in the middle of the lobby,
“dead”? Your word choices are hilarious.

Hmm, that was a surprise ending. He blew up the children’s ward in a hospital?
Somewhere he’d never been? Then killed himself? Read through twice, never quite picked up on his motive.

Tiamat10: Hit and Run – 16

Clean writing, but, as with the previous two, pretty anecdotal. The ending was too telegraphed for me, and not just by the title. And then it went on too long after the climax I think, especially for flash.

Katastroff: Cherry Schnapps – N/A

Distracted by three occurrences of the word “just” in the first paragraph.

He wiped his hands on the dashboard and unbuckled.
His seatbelt, right?

Ha! Loved the ending! Nice twist.

CodeRed: Ponder-poster – 15.5

Careful with how you use “as” in sentences as you write. At best you overwork this linking word. Found the writing careful otherwise. The conflict was pretty contrived and easily surmounted, and it’s like you went out of your way to avoid surprises. Loved the first paragraph’s, “If he ever figured on it, he might even come upon the notion that spitting had become his favourite pastime.”

GunslingersRequiem: Being Postal – 18.5

Enjoyed this. Well written, but more importantly for me, fanciful and imaginative. Some nice allegory, like to Zodiac or the Chinese calendar. Had a dreamlike quality. I might have been tempted to title it ‘Al in Wonderland’ even.

IrishLad: End of Parade – 19

Very fine piece of writing. Idea rich, descript and suspenseful. Serious and thoughtful. Nicely paced voice. Honest quality. The ending, I’m ambivalent about. But can’t think how to improve either. You should submit this to some flash zine. It speaks volumes on relationships.

She works me--works at me, like a prisoner digging through a wall to freedom.
Beautiful simile!

ScorpioJoe: The Yellow House – 17.5

…always wearing that suite.
suit

Nicely written. In a way it promises more than it delivers. But in another way it gives more than it promised: a moral. So I am satisfactorily ambivalent. A lot of it does seem to be irrelevant though. But still… thought-provoking.

vangoghsear: You’re Late – 18

Bit of a cumbersome opening. But then sails.

“That’s what it is. It has an alnico V magnet, adjustable pole-pieces and 5,000 windings of 42AWG copper wire per bobbin on two bobbins. What a great world. Saved me hours of time winding wire.”

Love these kinds of specifics.

Interesting little fantasy/sci-fi. Parts for a time machine. Cool.

alanmt: Coming to Terms – 16

Ten days ago, when little Daphne opened the door, she recognized me with a little squeek of glee.
Some tense problems maybe in switching from simple past to past-perfect. E.g. “…had opened …she’d recognized…” Makes the timeline hard to follow.

Tugs a little too hard at my heartstrings. But then I’m kind of a hardass. Would have liked to see what it said on the monument.

Remedy: In Temperance We Trust – 14.5

Kind of pointless plot with a kind of cliché character. Some witty bits too in his development though. Biggest problem is POV for me. Like one second you’re tight inside his head in the limited third, and the next you’re dissing the guy from the omniscient third.

As if he wasn’t careful enough all ready; sure, he had crashed a couple of time, but what did that matter?
already
times

He screamed, a high pitch, frightened little girl scream.
That’s how I scream when bees come near me. So maybe that’s why I’m a little biased against your treatment and portrayal of this guy.

smilinghelps: One of Two – 17.5

(My word counter counts hyphenated words as one.)

Very strong opening paragraph. Nice specifics. Smooth narrative. But deteriorates gradually to my ear.

A delightfully puerile little fantasy. It seems odd he’d dream of her “voluptuous figure” and then avoid her in his dream. Could never quite grasp his motivations. Ending on it all being a dream is a pretty well-traveled idea. But then the classics always are.

Eggo: You Could Already be a Winner – 16.5

Love the voice here. Really flows, sings for the most part. Ambitious theme as I understand it: death’s (versus luck’s) messenger? A number of typos drag it down a bit. Liked the description of the fire.

bridges strew behind them barely hanging on by a thread
bit of a mixed (or cliche) metaphor

clutching hand-woven sweaters tightly around the chests
the=their (or maybe strike?)

Soon after delivering one of these letters, I noticed the recipient didn’t come out to greet me just after I dropped off anymore and then they would stop coming out at all.
Couldn’t parse. Tense problems? Pronoun conflicts? Phrasing? Me? This is a pretty important sentence I think too somehow.

And when the answer,…
they

Hawke · 04-07-2008, 02:08 AM

Lost in Some Story’s Scores

Vincent’s Video by Non Serviam

While the story was very well written, I felt it lacked a sympathetic main character. I’ve never been a fan of violence just for the sake of it. Give us a reason for the carnage, at least a hint. The dialogue was funny.

Score: 15/20

DEAD ON ARRIVAL by Sam Winchester

The idea for this story was an entertaining one. I think if you had more time to weed and edit, it would have been better. The last line really hurt you. It’s almost as if you had too many details to fit into 500 words. You wanted a full on short story, but you needed a flash. Simplicity is key in these exercises.

Score: 13/20

Hit and Run by Tiamat10

Very well written story with the teasers of motivation behind the climax. The language was fresh and colorful. The characters and situation was a little bit cliché, which is reflected in your score.

Score: 16/20

Cherry Schnapps by Katastrof

The language of this story was beautiful. I loved all those colors. But what it had in imagery, it lacked in real plot. The reveal, those last couple of lines, seemed extremely forced. I just felt like you had the punch-line in your head the whole time you were writing. It’s certainly a good punch-line, but it didn’t feel organic.

Score: N/A

Ponder-poster by CodeRed

Really clever little story, cleanly written with a lot of colorful language. The character shined. I could just see him grinning that crooked cowboy grin. The language sort of got bland in the middle of the story, then picked up its richness again at the end, which is the only reason your score wasn’t higher.

Score: 17/20

Being Postal by GunslingersRequiem

This story gleamed like a little gem. The language was clean and active. The imagery was vivid and real. But I loved this story most for its creativity. Very clever little ditty. I was smiling when I finished reading. But what’s up with that title?

Score: 19/20

End of Parade by IrishLad

Flawless. This story should be published. The tight, crisp language does more than move the story; it builds the character. Literate symbolism in a Literary Maneuver? I’ve never seen that before. You get a gold star. My winner.

Score: 20/20

The Yellow House by ScorpioJoe

This story just never went anywhere. You took 300 words just building up to the house and then never told us what was inside. Lots of telling. Nothing about this story really held my attention.

Score: 11/20

You’re Late by vangoghsear

I really enjoyed this clever little story. The entire thing was pregnant with urgency and mystery. The language was maybe a little flat in places, but the overall effect was a joy. Well written.

Score: 18/20

Coming to Terms by alanmt

A beautiful, sad little story. I really felt for the characters and could see the images you portrayed. The language fell off and distracted a few times, but it was a well-written story all the same.

Score: 18/20

In Temperance We Trust by Remedy

Although it showed promise, I just couldn’t get into the casual language of the piece. I felt that it lacked focus, trailing off in several different directions all at once before coming to a sudden conclusion.

Score: 14/20

One of Two by smilinghelps

The first paragraph showed a lot of promise. Punchy dialogue, clever character names. But then you went in a different direction and lost me a little. The ending hurt you here. It’s easy to wrap up a short by making it a dream sequence, but not completely original.

Score: 16/20

You Could Already Be a Winner by eggo

The first half of this story was brilliant. The idea behind it was chilling and original. The second half of the story, once the narrator became suspicious of the letters, becomes a little confusing and leans heavily on a telling narrative. With a little more time to work on it, I feel this could become a really good piece. Right now, it feels like a first or second draft.

Score: 15/20

Hawke · 04-07-2008, 02:14 AM

Katastrof’s Scores

I liked to tell everyone it was great reading each of their stories on interesting/mysterious/thought-provoking deliveries. I marked rather hard (sorry) and there was many times when I wanted to bump the scores, but I thought keeping them this way would be the most honest. I’m a first time judge, so give me a break! I thought it was going to be a breeze judging, but it was rather difficult, and on top of that, I had a drumming competition on Saturday that chewed my writing and reading time last week.

Anyways, thanks Hawke for brining this back, I think it was a blast for everyone who participated, including myself.

Vincent’s Video, Non Serviam : 17

Very well written piece, but I think it lacks the little oomph that could make it even better. In places it felt exciting and immersing, but in general, I didn’t feel too attached to what was going on. Really, a little more imagery would have worked wonders, but you did have a limit. If the word limit was higher your score would be higher.

Dead on Arrival, Sam Winchester : 15

I loved the ending of this one. It’s short, layered and a cliffhanger. Beautiful. However, I don’t think the rest of the story was as polished as the ending. You used too many adverbs in places where they were unnecessary or distracting. Also:

Quote:

Brilliant, he groaned, knowing his job was certainly over, and worse still, maybe his life.

I’m not sure if this is a thought or dialog, since it was italicized but also had a dialog modifier. Might have been stylistic (like the many emphasis words), but it still threw me off.

Hit And Run, Tiamat : 14

Strong dialog. Strong enough that I thought your characters were real people. Thought the rest of the story wasn’t real, though. I mean, giving a gun as a present to someone is not that obvious, but loading the clip and putting a silencer on? I think I would start to catch on after that, especially if I were a mob boss. The ending was strange and unexpected, but the rest was too predictable.

Cherry Schnapps, Katastrof : -!

Mixing horror and Fitzgerald, eh? That’s like mixing alcohol and driving. It just doesn’t work, old sport.

Ponder-Poster, CodeRed : 14

Different, but I think that’s good thing. Instead of sticking with the standard UPS/postman bit you decided to set the scene back in a kind of fantasy/western setting. Sounds cool to me. Slow lead and tense issue kinda spoiled it, though.

Being Postal, Gunslinger’s Requiem : 14.5

I thought the title and how it tied in with character was clever and well-done. Also the ending is funny. However, there was too much explaining of the address/allusion. That’s like explaining a joke; it ruins it.

End of Parade, Irishlad : 19

Too many good things to say. The story does seem like it has been done before, but it’s the combination of all the little good things here that make the story seem original and exciting. Everything just comes together and works. Good Job!

The Yellow House, Scorpio Joe : 11

It builds up to the climax slowly with general and bland prose. And then that climax turns out to be an anticlimax. I felt cheated; the idea was good but it wasn’t executed well. Next time, try experimenting with different approaches and spicing it up with some imaginative imagery.

You’re Late, vangoghsear : 13

Hmm. The twist was good, I had to re-read it to figure it out, but that’s okay. Your dialog is really stiff in some places, so obviously it brought down your score from me. Do you fix guitars by any chance (or play them)?

Coming To Terms, alanmt : 16

Good delivery (pardon the pun) of the concept. I had a vague notion of what was to come, but it was still a good ending when I read it. One thing though: Do they send gravestones to houses? It’s different ritual from what I know, at least.

In Temperance We Trust, Remedy : 13.5

The main character seemed a bit too stereotypical. Not enough for me to get attached to him; he was too cardboard-cutout. I did like the line about the foghorn, though.

Quote:

he had crashed a couple of time,

Should be: he had crashed a couple of times

One of Two, smilinghelps : 18

Well, I didn’t really understand it fully, but it was interesting enough to pull me in. I liked how the character was symbolic of puberty (at least that was the vibe I got); he’s really shy when he talks with the woman, he’s used to the normal routine (of childhood) and is scared of the unexpected (being a teenager), but excited about it at the time. The present tense held up until the end where it wavered.

You Could Already Be A Winner, eggo : 17

Loved the imagery and the language. It also made me think about your character. He seemed admirable in my opinion, even if he was doing such a deceitful thing to help (well make them fell better, I guess). Some typos:

Quote:

It’s almost as if seeing their name printed out in dot matrix next to Ed McMahon’s smiling face, they know they are still here; still holding on.

Missing a verb…

Hawke · 04-07-2008, 02:18 AM

Hawke’s Scores

Non Serviam - Vincent’s Video - 17
Nits: Mr Thin = Mr. Thin; thigh-boots = thigh-high boots.

This was fun! I won’t go into my family’s history with such people, but suffice it to say weird things (and sometimes cliché things) happen. Nice stuff. Thank you for the read.

Sam Winchester - DEAD ON ARRIVAL - 16.5

Nits: deep-throat voice = deep voice; extra commas here and there; 'This is for Mrs (Mrs.) Jenkins; Paediatric = Pediatric.

That was a wild ride. Would’ve loved to have read thoughts about his wife (?) scattered throughout the work, but so it goes with a 500 word count limit. Perhaps whittling it down a bit more might have left a little room for other things. (?) Good job. Thank you.

Tiamat10 - Hit and Run - 15

Wish I hadn’t figured it out so early. Nice twist at the end, though. (Have I mentioned how much I like twists?) Good work. Thank you.

Katastrof - Cherry Schnapps - N/A (Judge)

If I said the ending might have read better if the postman had answered the man with “Nope, I didn’t” or something like that, would you think me a bad person? *grin* Good stuff, Katastrof. Thank you.

CodeRed - Ponder-poster - 16

Nits: ambled = swayed (?); idling = dawdling(?); “Sure you are,” Cassian let his yellowed teeth show = “Sure you are.” Cassian let his yellowed teeth show.

I didn’t expect to read a western so it was a nice surprise. A touch slow in parts was my only real read quibble. Good job. Thank you.

GunslingersRequiem - Being Postal - 18

Very imaginative and funny. Even funnier that he didn’t react to a talking, writing cat, which let me know he was no stranger to the bizarre during working hours, poor fellow, and why he needed his girlfriend so badly at the end of every shift. Wild and well written, this. I enjoyed it. Thank you.

IrishLad - End of Parade - 19

Super work, IrishLad. A real treat to read. Thank you.

ScorpioJoe - The Yellow House - 16.5

Nits: suite = suit; cut him off = cut him off. ; made up is true” said the = made up is true,” said the

This kind of reminded me of how my mom knows everything about the neighbors she doesn’t know who live across the street… if that makes sense. Wish we could have found out what was in the box. Then again, I guess that’s not the point, which was okay with me. Good job. Thank you.

vangoghsear - You’re Late - 18

Nits: I turned back the entire house was (missing a word)

A time machine… thingy. Note how much of a technophobe I am? Fun to read though and obviously quite imaginative. Good job. Thank you.

alanmt - Coming To Terms - 18

Nits: squeek = squeak; mr. brown man = mister brown man; boxcutter = box cutter

Oh, that was heartbreaking. I got a little lost between the MC’s first and third trip, but I’m sure it could be fixed up fairly easily. Good job. Very sad. Thank you.

Remedy - In Temperance We Trust - 14

I was a touch disappointed that you mentioned the snakes early on. Doing so gave away the whole works. Thank you.

smilinghelps - One of Two - 18

You got me good. For a while there I couldn’t figure out where the heck you were going with it… but it was all a dream. Wonder if he would have gone with her. Hmm, I’d say so. That was pretty darn cute. Thank you.

eggo - You Could Already be a Winner - 17.5

Nits: the chests = their chests; leaving them outside in a cold, hard box outside the door; the answer = they answer

This seemed like a sort of “don’t shoot the messenger” story with a twist. I liked it. I liked this character’s heart, too, if you know what I mean. The only sentence that kind of threw me was the “I write this note” part. That one made me back up to the top to see if I’d missed something. But other than that, good job. Thank you.

smilinghelps · 04-07-2008, 07:31 AM

IrishLad, Excellent job--Congratulations! I almost didn't post because of your entry, I was completely intimidated. I would look into publishing that for sure!

GunslingersRequiem--Great job as well! Congratulations! Great writing!

Thank you to all of the judges, you're much too kind. I must have reworked my piece so many times in an effort to make it good enough to enter, I think I could have used another week to tighten it up. Thanks for taking the time to read all of the entries and making thoughtful, constructive remarks.

This was so far, the most challenging LM that I've entered into. Thank you to all the writers who entered, this was an excellent competition. I hope this means we're off to another run of brain exercising LMs in the coming months.

Great job everyone!

CodeRed · 04-07-2008, 07:32 AM

This was awesome! Congratulations to Irish Lad, GunslingersRequiem and smilinghelps!

Thanks also to the judges for taking the time to read and assess the entries, I really find your advice and comments encouraging.

Tiamat10 · 04-07-2008, 07:36 AM

Congratulations IrishLad. For the record, I liked your story the best too.

Well done to Gun and smilinghelps as well.

Sam Winchester · 04-07-2008, 07:46 AM

IrishLad, Gun, and Smiling - congratulations.

Hawke - when's the next one? Can't wait.

Sam.

Hawke · 04-07-2008, 07:56 AM

My sincere apologies to those whose works I’d mentioned should have a period following the abbreviations Mr. or Mrs. I’ve always used a period, will continue to do so (it looks odd to my eye not to) and have never given it a second though. However, I stand corrected.

It is acceptable to omit the period after an abbreviation that consists of the first and last letter of a word.
Examples:

Mr. or Mr
Dr. or Dr

Courtesy of Library ONLINE.

IrishLad · 04-07-2008, 09:14 AM

First, thanks to all the judges for their contributions of time, a commodity hard to come by these days in our fast-paced world. I sincerely appreciate your efforts, and the votes of confidence in my writing. Never can have enough of those.

Congratulations to Gunslinger and Smiling. Excellent work, both of you. In fact I thought all the entries quite entertaining to read, and we're all winners for having enjoyed them.

I'm off to smile all day now.

Cheers

GunslingersRequiem · 04-07-2008, 09:29 AM

Thanks for the opportunity to do something like this, as it's good practice to write for a specified prompt. Congrats to you Irish and Smiling, and everyone else that took the time to respond to the prompt. There were some great reads and ideas.

Cheers to the next one!

Non Serviam · 04-07-2008, 09:34 AM

And thanks, in particular, to the judges!

eggo · 04-08-2008, 06:26 AM

Congrats to the winners!

Some very good work here and I tip my hat to 'em.

vangoghsear · 04-08-2008, 09:22 AM

Congratulation to the winners, condolences to the non-winners, and commendations to the judges.