10/30/07 | Advice Column - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Hakeem · 11-04-2007, 05:14 PM

Dear Abbey,

The problem you come to us with is most understandable. We assure you that the advice contained within this column will surely uproot the source of difficulty that might affect your relationship with your boyfriend.

The truth of this matter is rather clear: Your boyfriend's visit to China has clearly had an impact on his mentality. It is not normal for any adult to behave in such an obscene and subnormal manner; his acts point towards a possible--yet temporary--state of undeveloped intellectual capacity. We strongly advise you to apply the following two-week plan in order to retrieve your boyfriend's powers of mind:

Make sure you have a steady supply of teddy bears securely in position; your boyfriend's nightly laceration sessions may require an increasing amount of teddy bears in later treatment stages. (Long-necked dolls make the beheading procedure relatively easier, but you should have both varieties ready at hand.) In the second week your boyfriend's need for bigger teddy bears may grow stronger, so we recommend you purchase a teddy bear costume and wear it around him more often in the night, especially on the last three days. Having a cleaver nearby may diminish his insecurity and make him more comfortable around you.

We assure you again that this tried and true plan will relieve your boyfriend from this psychological strain, hopefully bringing the relationship back to life.

Yours faithfully,
WF members.

PS: God moved to New York.

Loulou · 11-05-2007, 06:01 AM

Dear Anally Retentive,

I once dated a horse called Stan. He was perceptive, clean and even let me wear the saddle sometimes. When things got serious I discovered he had a penchant for expensive hooves. We’d spend hours in Jimmy Hooves looking the latest delicate pink number. But I loved him and we got through the dark moments of footwear addiction by going to an expensive therapist with his own stable practice.

I think you know what I’m saying.

Life can be tricky. Life is strange. Love is even thornier.

Nobody’s perfect. Leave him and train for the next Grand National or convert and design the first blow-up teddy bear together. (I have an old, yellowing design for a blow-up horse somewhere in the attic if you need inspiration.) Love is in the eye of the beholder not the hand of the maniac. Trust your own judgement not mine. If you love him, accept him.

Aunty Loulou

PS. If he’s shit in bed forget everything I said.

Doctor Snuff · 11-05-2007, 12:56 PM

Dear Fish-food,

Your boyfriend’s newfound attitude and convictions seem to be the offspring of some inward horded frustration that has been allowed to skate and bubble into its current outpour, which appears as pure lunacy in its most wild and untamed state.

I think you need to look inside yourself and decide if this is truly what you want. If you love this man and I assume you do, than you have to match him wit for wit, don’t let silly things like strewn cotton and fabled lost cities control your life. Its time to take charge!

Be coy. Promise him you’ll convert, it won’t hurt. Plan a trip this weekend for an outdoors camping trip, and tell him you’ll sing the praises of Beelzebub himself in the Atlantic ole opera house if he goes.

On your trip, you’re going to want to catch a bear. I do not condone inflicting harm on animals but in this case cut off its head and burn the corpse. Pack honey, bees and honey mustard with which to entice him to you, and maybe wrap a pillow around your waist for protection, just in case.

Very often in relationships we lose touch of the needs of the other person; you need to show him that his interests can be your interests too! And they should be in any long-lasting union.

murdershewrote2005 · 11-06-2007, 06:46 AM

Dear Trippin’ in Paradise,

First of all, men are not supposed to walk around sucking their thumbs and clutching a twelve year old teddy bear with a missing eye called Bobo. He was doing you a favor, remember to thank him for me. Second, the crazy things he has been saying are a long lasting residual effect of the Chinese mushrooms he ate while fucking some cheap Chinese whore. Made him forget that he bats for the other team. Open your eyes, twinkle toes, he has a job. He’s a man whore. How else would he pay for your little teddy bear fantasies? Third, Atlantis sunk ages ago and took Ariel, flounder and that fucked up penis shaped castle with it. Give it up and convert. Women already rule the world. Ask God. She’ll tell you.

Sarcastically,
Madame Estrongonia

PS: You thought no one knew what the holey bears were for, didn’t you?

Lost in Some Story · 11-06-2007, 02:02 PM

Dear Self-Absorbed,

It sounds like you’re going through a commitment crisis. There comes a time, in every relationship, when the feelings of euphoria and romance fade into the mundane. Your partner isn’t crazy. You’ve simply lost the ability to see his flaws through rose colored lenses.

Let’s consider the details.

Instead of asking why your boyfriend is cutting all the heads to your teddy bears, perhaps a more pressing question would be, “Why does a woman my age have a collection of teddy bears to begin with?” It sounds like you are desperate to cling to your childhood any way you can. Despite his motives, your boyfriend did you a favor by decapitating a crutch that’s keeping you from achieving your full potential as an adult member of society. You should thank him.

Also, your attitude toward his newfound faith smacks of intolerance. Instead of mocking your boyfriend about his desires to visit Atlantis, you should embrace his spiritual journey. Perhaps get him a visor from Atlantis or buy him a ticket to see the sights and visit God. Become involved.

Be patient. Let your boyfriend become the man he needs to be in order to make you happy and quit putting land-mines in your own path.

Love
Shabby

eggo · 11-06-2007, 08:00 PM

Dear Logistics,

Your problem is you let the monkey saddle the horse and now you don’t like how it’s tied.

I’m just trying to say everyone has feelings and if you ignore those feelings, you’re not a very compassionate person. He likes to take trips and you’re like a big sack of dead fish that sits at home.

Sometimes lighting a cat on fire is the only ways to get the fleas off.
There are ways to keep a relationship fresh.

1). Your weight. Gaining a few pounds where you shouldn’t? Bulimia handled correctly can be a good thing.

2). Breast augmentation. I’ve seen many relationships fail, that breast implants could save.

3). Lastly, encourage him to have sex with multiple women. Men that have sex with lots of women can be very monogamous.

He’s trying to move the patio furniture and you want him to fertilize the roses.

There are few other things to think about if you want this relationship to work,

Alcohol; Make sure there’s always enough in the house. Alcohol can lessen problems and make tensions ease.

Illegal Drugs; Drug dependency can be a very ugly thing. Unless, he’s dependant on drugs you supply, it’s a win-win relationship.

Gambling; Sometimes once or twice a week isn’t enough. Have some faith in him, he’ll win it back.

Sometimes if the wind ain’t blowing your way , you gotta hold you breath until you get some mouthwash.

Remember, most problems are your own fault,

Regards,

Doctor Phil

valeca · 11-07-2007, 09:11 AM

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