From Chris Miller
Amber Leaf: Mouldy World – 17
“…we have found that we evolved from organisms that are similar to mushrooms and cheese. It is suggested that the planets in our solar system contain wheat like interiors.”
This made me laugh!
So life is circular or cyclical or, as Jiieden says, “no beginning.” So we could have originated in some stoner’s fast food rubbish. The prose is a little clotted or clunky or for this Douglas Adams type of humor piece. This type of thing needs to swing really streamlined and efficient to punch best.
Mike: The Shadow’s Test – 17
Well written. Kind of avoids trying to explain much. So we are created by beings very, very much like ourselves. A little heavy on the upbeat foreshadowing at the end maybe. More likely they’ll just blow themselves and the rest of the life forms that share their planet up.
TSAEB XIII: Humans – the new Battery Cell – 17
Hmmm, and again we are the creation of beings very much like ourselves, if not slightly less. Ones living in a universe (solar power, fusion, etc) very much like ours, but that create the illusion of such a universe for us. I was both intrigued and confused.
avea: Dances – 18.5
I liked this. A lovely little poetic explanation. The “Earth, Water, Wind, Fire” elements struck me as slightly cliché maybe. I loved the ending: “…and they danced a slow dance of their own, sometimes facing, sometimes back to back.”
Beautiful.
Loulou: Pinky – 20
Great story. Gorgeous mix of the mundane and funny, and the ethereal and poetic. Sad beautiful ending. Clever and original approach to the theme.
defenestrator: I Think, Therefore... 17.5
Humor here clashes with philosophy, resulting in something that seems afraid to take itself seriously. Which is both intriguing and unfortunate, because it’s as good an explanation as I can think of.
mandax: Mother Nature – 17
Uh… what about flowers? Flowers are pretty colorful.
That was dark. Did procreation not occur before man? Were there not male and female animals? It’s an interesting metaphor for the state of the world, but I would have to vehemently disagree. Nature is doing her darndest to get rid of us, or at least cull us back.
sixlivesdown: Masters of the World – 15.5
Ever heard of Round Up? Lawn mowers? A funny explanation that doesn’t really attempt to be credible. Not exactly an epiphany. Next you’ll say the grasses invented golf. Tries a little hard at the end to my ear. Also lacks narrative, reads more like an answer to a test question.
Heatherlouise: Where We Came From – 14
brining = bringing
At the beginning of time the only the world was without life.
oceans was coated = oceans were coated
Too many other typos and grammatical errors to list. Too bad, because it has potential as a kind of poetic mythologizing of evolution. It also has the potential to be pretty funny. The MC kills me with her earnestness. Lucky it wasn’t cats that found us. They’d’ve tossed as about until they got bored and then bit our heads off.
Charlie Elanor: Keepers of the Light – 18
Wonderfully poetic and mythological. Explanatory more than anecdotal. I cringed ever so slightly at “their white skin” and suggest you go with some other word if you ever submit or expand on this. Some mildly cliché vernacular (e.g. “the corners of her soul”), but beautiful nonetheless.
Annoying Alliteration: Letter of Resignation – 17
ass holes = assholes (funny)
Something a bit too familiar about this “mythology.” You’ve gone the usual way, creating “gods” that are even more insecure and petty, as in even less, than we are. Some cute details and naming. Consistent voice.
Jiieden: Myth-maker – 20
Beautiful and thought provoking. I thoroughly enjoyed. A serious, open minded, questioning that reaches well out beyond our ability to understand toward where the answer can only lie. But couched in a wonderful little dialogue between archetypical father/teacher and child. Loved the ending (maybe there’s no answer either). Perfect.
MiloDaePesdan: Dark Children – 17.5
Humans born of a conflict between demons and dragons. Not unlike the O.T. mythology of humans (i.e. the human condition) being born of a conflict between God and Satan. I had a little trouble determining that the MC was in fact a demon and not a dragon, what with her fire and scales and wings and all. Some nice description. I found the ending poignant.
sipsake: This I have heard – 18.5
The Earth as a romantic gift from a deity to his wife.
Very nicely done. A beautiful little mythological fable story and as good an explanation as any I’ve ever heard. I like how it avoids both religious and scientific dogma.
seawings: X meets Y – 15.5
Considering this as a poem instead of a story since there’s no plot or character development. Reads like the explanation of insemination and conception they gave us in grade four in gym class w/ clear allusion to M/F chromosomes. Again missing all the fun stuff. Again confusing as to motivation.
starStuff: What The Hell Happend on Earth? 15.5
I’d have titled this, “What Happens on Earth Stays on Earth”
civ’s = civs
Its interesting = It’s…
Dialogue quote problems.
Other typos.
I liked the haikus.
eggo: Leftovers for Dinner – 17.5
Earthlings created and abandoned as a failed experiment.
Sacrilegious enough for my tastes. I like how you captured the stereotypic theologies in the voices of each. I liked Buddha’s, “Whatever.” Made him sound like a teenager. Third time’s a charm, eh God? It’s funny how even in mainstream mythology/theology (e.g. the O.T. or Koran) we like to create gods that’re archetypically and pathetically human.
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From Proudest Monkey
(Please excuse the missing reviews. There was some miscommunication about them, and I (valeca) take full responsibility.) Here are the scores.
15 Amber Leaf
19 Mike
15.5 Tsaeb XIII
11 avea
15 Loulou
14 defenestrator
14 mandax
16.5 sixlivesdown
12 heatherlouise
14 Charlie_Eleanor
13.5 AnnoyingAlliteration
11 Jiieden
13 MiloDaePesdan
14 sipsake
12 seawings
13 starStuff
18 Eggo
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From Hawke
My scores and comments are just this reader’s opinion—
one opinion. Please don’t take it as anything other than that. Also, I’m going to dispense with pointing out nits. You wrote it, so you know what and where they are.
A big thank you to everyone who entered, and to Jaime for running this and coming up with the super prompt. Kudos to everyone!
All of that said, let’s get to it.
Mouldy World
Amber Leaf
15/20
This work is one I’m sure most parents of teens would be able to relate too. Good job. Thank you for the read.
The Shadow’s Test
Mike
16/20
Very interesting work here. Quite imaginative. Good job. Thank you for the read.
Humans - the new Battery Cell
Tsaeb XIII
14/20
Nice work. About the only thing that threw me though was the last sentence. That didn’t ring true (mud and hair?). Neat read though. Wish I could have connected more with Bob. Thank you for the read.
Dances
Avea
16/20
I can see some “old one” telling this one to a group sitting around a campfire, which is kind of what I was looking for. Very nice. One drawback though. You covered the creation of earth and stars very well, but kind of chintzed on humanity. Good job though. Thank you for the read.
Pinky
Loulou
17/20
Humor, tragedy, and you connected me (the reader) to the character. Because of the very sad ending, I feel odd saying that I loved it. Well done. Thank you for the read.
I Think, Therefore...
defenestrator
13/20
One question: If humans came into existence via a thought, why do women have to go through childbirth?
Interesting. A tad preachy though, hmm? Also, I would have liked to have seen more use of the word count. It felt rushed and kind of… well, quickly put together. Thank you for the read.
Mother Nature
mandax
16/20
A tad preachy there, mandax. Quite interesting though. The nature enthusiast in me agrees with a lot of this, just to say. Good job. Thank you for the read.
Masters of the World
sixlivesdown
17/20
Ashes to ashes… and you made me giggle. (By the way, you’re wrong. Women rule the earth.) Good job. Thank you for the read.
Where We Came From
heatherlouise
14/20
You missed an awful lot of commas, Heather. Also, do be careful about things like “
the only
the world” and “until all of the oceans
was coated” and “for the floated you know” etc. Spell check won’t pick those up. Only you (and maybe a grammar check) can. Quite imaginative. Thank you for the read.
Keepers of the Light
Charlie Eleanor
19/20
Ah, a harbinger story! Lovely! About the only thing I suggest is to leave out the word “white” in “white skin” so you don’t lose or inadvertently ire nonwhite readers. Super job. Thank you for the read.
Letter of Resignation
AnnoyingAlliteration
15/20
This was imaginative and cute too. A turn-about, I think. Good job. Thank you for the read.
Myth-maker
Jiieden
17/20
I know kids like that. lol Good stuff here. Good read. Thank you.
Dark Children
MiloDaePesdan
16/20
Consider expanding this, will you? It reads and feels like the prologue (is it?) or excerpt, and a darn good one too. If not, you really should give this a run, Milo. As for this competition, the score will not reflect my thoughts on the future of this piece. Good work. Thank you for the read.
This I have heard
sipsake
18/20
A super read, sipsake. Good work. Thank you.
X meets Y
Seawings
14/20
Well written, interesting and definitely held me there—no doubt about any of that. Unfortunately, it was more of a biological fact put to story than a myth to me. A very good and well done story, mind you. Thank you for the read.
What The Hell Happend on Earth?
starStuff
14/20
Quit imaginative. A few nits to clean up. Interesting work. By the by, you misspelled the title “Happend” = Happened. Thank you for the read.
Leftovers for Dinner
eggo
18/20
Leave it to you to make me laugh out loud. Well done. Thank you for the read.
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EDIT: All the scores are now up!
Great job, everyone.
Suggestions for the next LM challenge are now being accepted. PM me if you have a theme you'd like to submit.
