08-10-06 | Iron Chef - Page 2 - Writers Forum

Glfralin · 08-19-2006, 07:57 PM

Off Topic:

Ah thanks Hodge.

Chris Miller · 08-21-2006, 10:04 AM

The Reception

The setting: Tokyo’s exclusive Hakoniwa restaurant’s most spacious private room. Prince Ababa Muhammad sits at a walnut kotasu table with his imam, his lawyer, his physician, his translator, and his new bride. They sit on low shinto stools upholstered in living zoysia grasses. A stoic bodyguard stands discreetly back. Ababa has usurped a Mizuho Financial Group’s thirteen week “party of forty” reservation. The table is the size of a small putting green. Craftsmen have raised it nine inches to accommodate Ababa’s inflexibility and girth. His bride, Kichi, at thirteen, is sweet and delicate as a cherry blossom.

Ababa (in Arabic): Your Prime Minister Koizumi entertains in a small booth here tonight I’m told, crowded together like maggots on meat.

Translator (in Japanese): A culinary luxury in a city where office space leases by the square inch, no?

Kichi: [sipping honey hachimitsu] I am most impressed my husband.

Translator: [translates]

Ababa: But are you not afraid too?

Translator: Is it not exciting to be the wife of Saudi royalty?

Kichi: [eyes demurely down, picking at tenmisu with basil and sesame] It is a great honor.

Ababa: I cannot wait to deflower your every nubile portal.

Translator: I am drawn to you like the hummingbird to the lotus.

Kichi: [blushing] I am eager for your guidance, husband.

Lawyer (in Arabic): With all respect your highness, it would be advisable not to injure her severely… externally that is. It could make tomorrow’s annulment unduly litigious.

Ababa: [mouth full of salty otoshi squid] That is what I pay you for! I’ll discipline my wife as always. Hide her behind the burka.

Imam (in Arabic): Only strike her if she resists.

Lawyer: Remember, this is not Nepal.

Ababa: [touching Kichi’s face] After me, you’ll never want another.

Translator: Tonight will be most memorable.

Kichi: My father’s but a humble pot scrubber. We’re forever in your debt.

Translator: [translates]

Server: [enters bowing] Fugu-sashi. [arranges plates]

Bodyguard: [steps forward]

Ababa: [blocking plate with hand] It’s the most expensive delicacy. No need for you to taste. Two-thousand yen a bite! [shoving morsels into mouth with fingers] I assume it’s edible.

Kichi (softly): Fugu’s said to increase the pleasure of the marriage bed.

Translator: [translates]

Ababa: [still stuffing face with raw blowfish in tangy citrus sauce] Good, because I find it neither succulent nor filling.

Server (whispering to Kichi): Father says he’s never seen so many chefs. There’s bedlam in the kitchen.

Ababa: [eating from the imam’s and then the lawyer’s plate] My nose is tingling. My lips are numb.

Physician: You should rest. You are flushed.

Ababa: Owwwwoooomph. [falls facedown in flavorful Hokkaido hotpot with juicy chunks of cod and vegetables]

Lawyer: [taking bite of dashi fried todo (sea lion)] Is he okay?

Physician [sniffing Umeshu plum brandy, takes Ababa’s pulse] No, he’s dead.

Imam: Go with Allah then, all praise to Allah.

Bodyguard (in Arabic): Shit!

Lawyer (in Arabic): Our condolences, widow. We are at your service, princess.

Translator: [translates]

Glfralin · 08-21-2006, 06:57 PM

I edited my entry. It's the same story, but with more of the Japanese than Chinese tone.

gary_wagner · 08-22-2006, 03:41 PM

The Gila Monster Challenge

“And beside Yugomuchi we have Angya Sokimaki, star of stage and television. What do you think of the secret ingredient, Angya”

“Oh, ha ha ha. I don’t know about star, ha ha ha. I like food, ha ha ha. I have never eaten Asian mud pit gila monster testicles before but I like lizard, ha ha ha.”

“Well, you’re always a star in our book, Angya. You know, Mookitan, this particular variety of lizard testicles are deep purple. How do you think that will that will affect the outcome of the ice cream Iron Chef Yakamoro is making?”

“I don’t think anyone will be worried about the purple color when they taste those rare Antarctic truffles he is slicing into each serving dish. There are only twelve pounds of those truffles in the entire world and he is slicing almost a half pound into each bowl.”

“Ah, yes. Those truffles are the most expensive food on earth, are they not, Mookitan?”

“I’ll say. At eighty-seven thousand dollars per ounce each of our judges will be taking fifty-thousand dollar bites of testicle ice cream soaked truffles. What do you think of that, Angya?”

“Oh, ha ha ha. I like lizard testicles very much but, ha ha ha, I don’t know if I would pay that much money for a bite, ha ha ha.”

“And, now over here in kitchen stadium it appears that the challenger is pulling out the big guns in this competition. What is that he has in his hands, Mookitan?”

“Well, I believe thats… hmm.. yes, I’ve just had it confirmed, that’s a big gun. He has it pointed at chef Yakamoro and… Oh, that‘s a real surprise. The challenger has shot Iron Chef Yakamora and he is now running toward us. What do you make of that, Angya?”

“I think, ha ha ha, we’re going to die now, ha ha ha”.

eggo · 08-24-2006, 11:19 PM

Out of the depths it rose, a prehistoric creature spawned by atomic radiation. Two green eyes the size of Buicks, peering out from the ocean’s sanctity, while the bumpy green head broke the water’s meniscus.

“Godzilla!” cried the ants of Tokyo, as they scurried in their futile fashion for somewhere they deemed secure.

The great beast screamed with a foghorn’s lament as it stepped onto shore and crushed a building filled with cheap electronic toys on their way to the US.

Deep inside Mount Fuji, something stirred. The seismic disturbance caused by Godzilla’s pounding on Tokyo made a small part of the mantel shift. Heat rose from the earth’s center, warming the shell of a long extinct member of the order of Testudines. Its head poked out of its shell and felt the heat. The tortoise exploded out in a hail of debris and dust that filtered down into the valley.

The turtle, Gamera, retracted its head and legs and flames erupted from the holes. With its primitive form of jet propulsion, it sped its way through the air and landed on the Kyobi building, destroying the first six floors.

Godzilla moved on an intercept course through plaster and concrete.

In a fissure created by the destruction of Mount Fuji, a creature stirred. The earth opened and out shot a black streak. It flew into the air at hypersonic speed with its triangular head glowing in the sun. Rodan screamed the squawk of a predator, swooped and landed on the Ito building next to the Kyobi.

Godzilla approached the two reptilian nemeses with care.

“Hey guys,” Godzilla said.

“Hey Zill,” said Gamera.

“Godman, what’s the hap?” said Rodan.

“Same radiation, different day.”

“True, my man,” said Rodan.

“So when is this thing suppose to start?” said Gamera.

“Is your head up your frickin’ shell all day long? We decided to host this thing and I get stuck sending out invites,” said Godzilla.

“Whine, whine, whine, have you ever tried to write with stubs,” Gamera said.

“Hey, don’t look at me,” Rodan said holding out his wings.

“Alright, alright,” said Godzilla,” I sent out invitations to the Loch ness monster, Moby Dick, Gorgo, Reptilicus, Paul Bunyan, The Jolly Green Giant and the Blob.”

“The Blob’s Jell-O isn’t too bad.”

“I hope Moby doesn’t make those plankton burgers again, I shit green for a week,” said Rodan as he picked a bus and ripped open the top. He plucked one of the passengers out, bit it and then put it back.

“Don’t do that,” Godzilla said.

“What?”

“Bit one and put it back.”

“Well, let’s hope this decades Monster Cook-off doesn’t end like the last one,” Gamera said.

“It was you who stepped on the Monster for the Black Lagoon.”

A primordial scream broke their conversation.

“Ah shit,” said Rodan.

“It’s the fuckin’ Smog monster,” said Gamera.

“With his borsch I‘ll bet, my scales stunk for two years after I got near that crap.”

It was going to be a long month.

Syren · 08-28-2006, 10:30 AM

Off Topic:

LMAO.. I now have two favorites, funny funny stuff.

Syren · 08-28-2006, 11:01 AM

Off Topic:

Now that was fun! Ha!

======================
Zeke and Beuford, Watch TV
======================

Old man Zeke relaxed in his Barcalounger, chewing on some Hooters hot wings...

"Beuford! It's on bebe!" he said with much acclaim, "wonder what ol' Chairman Kaga will 'ave fer us today, eh?"

The old dog started up, but decided to lick his butt instead, eyeing the old man cautiously.

"WELCOME TO KITCHEN STADIUM!!!" Zeke screamed at the top of his lungs, "Bite that damned ol' bellpepper you purty bastard!"

He stared intently at the next hour of culinary expertise portrayed across his television screen... his greasy hotwing frozen in awe at his lips.

"Fukui-san!" Ohta exclaimed with girlish grace.

"Yes, go ahead." Fukui replied in his usual dignified tones, though somewhat annoyed.

"Iron Chef Sakai has placed, in the pot, over six sizzling shark fins, mmm... smells good!"

"Over six?" commented Hattori, notable expert on all things batter-dipped.

Ohta was stunned for a moment, but repaired quickly, "Yes, yes... over six. Much like six, but.. more."

"Well how many more Ohta? We need hard numbers here man!" Fukui's demeanor was quickly becoming crushed by the annoying scamp of a reporter.

"They're diced up! How the hell...? Oh fine. One moment."

Ohta crept in closer to Iron Chef Sakai.

"OH DEAR GOD AHHGHGghghhkk....kKLLPtthh... k.. kuhh..uh..."

Iron Chef Sakai drew the paring knife from Ohta's throat with a long practiced hand. He then began to expertly mince Ohta into fine julienne slices of meat.

"Oooh... will this be a, kind of bacon wrap do you think?" wondered Mrs. Takata, notable actress and television personality.

"What!?" replied Hattori, "Are you a complete idiot? Did your father not impart a fraction of intellect when he took your mother?"

"Easy Hattori..." chuckled Fukui, "what do you think Iron Chef Sakai has planned for our former employee?"

"It is obvious he means to use him for flavoring, that meat is too... oh how do you say... stringy?"

"Oh yes," Fukui agreed, "and far too gamey."

"Fukui-san!" cried the thin slices of Ohta.

"What the hell? Is that you Ohta? Yes, go ahead."

"Eat me!" screamed the ingredient.

"Ha! What do you know? You are for flavoring you peck! Now shut up!"

Zeke couldn't see Fukui, but he knew the man was standing on his feet and waving a finger at the late reporter Ohta...

"This," Zeke whispered, turning to Beuford, "is the best damned show ever made!"

Beuford barked twice, and glanced at the screen... before returning his attention to the dish at hand.

======================

//Sy

Fantasy of You · 08-29-2006, 03:16 PM

Off Topic:

These are funny.

Chris to win! Chris to win! CHRIS TO WIN! ! ! WOOOO

(where the fecks my cheque?)

high_flyer · 08-30-2006, 07:44 AM

Can I just say, some of these are hilarious! My favourite is Kelhanion's, good job.

Chris Miller · 08-30-2006, 08:52 AM

Off Topic:

Chris: Here's yer check FOY [hip checks FOY into the boards just below the net]

FOY: [goes down like sack of turnips] Hey! [jumps up, throws gloves to the ice, sees steely resolve in Chris's chisled eye features, picks up gloves and puts back on] Nice hit dude.

Chris: [rubbing hip] Thanks man.

Hawke · 08-30-2006, 03:01 PM

Double Dash

When Yumi heard it, when her husband Kazuo jerked out of what was likely today’s vacation-in-Disneyland dream that would take them about as far away from a Kabayaki as one could get, such a feeling of horror rose in her that for one moment she thought she would die. She stared at the clock, as though staring would correct the time. But the red numbers continued to pulse 12:00 - the sure sign of a power failure.

“The cab,” Kazuo said softly. It was a tone Yumi rarely heard from her husband. Kazuo was a chef.

“Hurry!” she shouted, and leapt out of bed. Kazuo was already on the move. He rounded the footboard, bumping his ankle hard - she heard the thump clearly.

“Ow!” he cried, hopping across the room. “Sonofa--”

Yumi raced for the closet while Kazuo yanked open the window and leaned out, waving and hollering at the cab driver. The cabbie yelled back that he would wait. Then again, it might have been something else entirely.

“Ass.”

Kazuo was still standing by the window. Yumi selected his clothes and draped them over her arm - a pair of jeans, a polo shirt, socks and underwear. They were light, American-looking, and proper for California’s warm weather. She glanced to the side and spotted their luggage by the door, thankful she’d had the foresight to pack the day before.

“Yumi, that hurt! We’ll never--”

“Shave!” Now was not the time for griping; now was the time for action.

Kazuo looked at her, maybe not hearing an order but at least hearing the logic. He looked confused but rushed to the washroom, limping and cursing.

“Drop your pants,” Yumi said.

Kazuo obliged without thought, the electric razor already mowing stubble from his cheek. He glanced to the side, and for a moment didn’t see his wife and thought he was hallucinating. Then he felt a tap on his leg.

“What--”

“Lift!” she said, readying a sock in her hands, but that was all she said, because Kazuo was balancing on one foot, not looking at her, only looking at his reflection.

Yumi yanked the sock on and tapped his other leg, but he was already raising that foot - he was trying to take the pressure off his still screaming ankle by practically laying over the countertop while continuing to shave and Yumi felt a moment of panic that got her moving. She yanked the sock on to his foot, then made him lift both feet again for his underwear and once more for his pants.

“Here,” she said, dropping the shirt and racing for her own things. “Move!”

We’ll never make it, he thought. But she was dressed, her hair in a ponytail and vying for half the sink before he had finished brushing his teeth.

Four minutes later, they were finally in the taxi and on the way to the airport.

“We made it,” he said proudly, “thanks to my organizational expertise.”

“Yes, husband.”

Hodge · 09-04-2006, 07:13 PM

I'm such a flake -- this LM is closed as of three days ago. Scores will be posted on the 9th.

eggo · 09-04-2006, 09:12 PM

I was thinkin that the second hadn't got to Alaska yet.

Syren · 09-05-2006, 01:43 AM

Shows what Juneau.

cacafire · 09-10-2006, 01:35 PM

Where the fuck are the scores? o.0