[an:c065099d3d]I apologize in advance for any short and/or uninspired comments - there were a lot of entries this time around. I had a blast reading them though.
Thanks for all the hard work, everyone![/an:c065099d3d]
Title:
my room
Author: Crazy_dude6662
Pithy. I like it. I have a few minor quibbles with some of your choices in punctuation and sentence structure and with the way you formatted it (give my poor eyes some line breaks), but none of those things totally prevented me from enjoying your entry. You do need to remember to be consistent in spelling when you use a word more than once. In this instance, “no one” is correct and “no-one” really isn’t.
Score:
13/20
Title:
Midnight Musings
Author: Rico
Nice. That was a really smooth description. I’m not sure the parts where you step out and say that something “falls outside the parameters of this competition” and similar instances serve this piece. A description without any reference to this competition would have been much more moving. Still, Mr. Rico, you wrote some beautiful prose.
Score:
15/20
Title:
My Bedroom
Author: Londongrey
You wrote a wonderful description but you have a
typo in the first paragraph! (eminate-->emanate) That aside, I enjoyed the tour of your room. I admire your ability to write well in the second person. The way you described the textures was brilliant. If I lived in England and you were in the interior design business, I’d be tempted to hire you.
Score:
15/20
Title:
The Times They Have A’Changed”
Author: Psycho6058
Interesting and sad. In your very brief entry, you told a very moving story. In regards to this competition, I would have liked to see a little more description of the room rather than you just rattling off the things that are in it.
Score:
14/20
Title:
Where We Sleep But Cannot Rest
Author: mswietek
Gosh, another sad story. You guys are gonna make me cry - and I don’t like to cry.
What can I say? Once again, we have another piece that is well written, flows nicely, and moves me. You have a few minor errors, such as “non perishable” (this word should be hyphenated), but they’re not bad enough to detract enough from your entry. It has a certain something to it and I can’t get it out of my head.
Score:
15/20
Title:
I Find Piece
Author: bobbiego
Nice writing but your entry seemed to be all over the place - a little more rambling than I like really (although I am often guilty of it myself). There were a few punctuation and sentence structure issues; however, it could be more closely related to stylistic differences more than anything you actually did wrong. It’s a description to be proud of but it just didn’t grab me the way some of the others have.
Score:
14/20
Title:
My Bedroom
Author: dannyboy
Hhmmm... How do I put this without sounding sleazy? Oh well, I’ll just go for it and ask that you not snigger at what I am about to say; it’s not meant the way it probably sounds.
I enjoyed very much the description of what goes on in your bedroom during a typical night (indeed, your loving description of your daughter
almost makes me want to have kids of my own); however, I would have liked this piece to focus a little more on your actual room - furniture, artwork, photographs, rugs, etc. Don’t get me wrong, the way you included the room details with bits about your family was very well done. You do a great job with people. As I said, I’m looking for more of a focus on the room. Very good effort, just not quite right for where my tastes are at today.
Score:
16/20
Title:
The Strange Connection Between Everything And A Relatively Common Object
Author: Kelhanion
Here once again, we have good writing but as before, this isn’t quite what I am looking for in this competition. The last two paragraphs felt tacked on, as if you were trying to force this piece to fit the competition. I’d say it would be better without out them. Again, this is according to my tastes today. Perhaps if I had given you a longer word length you might have found a way to add them in a little better; as it is, though, the abruptness of the switch puts me off the humor of the last two paragraphs altogether.
Score:
12/20
Title:
My Room as a Lovestory
Author: strangedaze
Now that’s more like it. It’s an excellent mix of character and room description, with the room used to reveal character. Nice!
(I read somewhere that you don’t like to look back over your own work so please get yourself a copyeditor. That way you wouldn’t drive the poor pedantic folks like me nuts by marring an otherwise excellent piece.)
Score:
19/20
Title:
Night by Day
Author: who?
Your entry is riddled with good writing and it flows well. You pass. What more can I say?
Score:
15/20
Title:
The Room I Sleep In
Author: Dirkin
Not bad. I have issue with your use of “everytime” and some of your punctuation choices but other than that, we have here another competent tour of a sleeping area. I hope you’ll try out some more of the LM comps in the future.
Score:
15/20
Title:
My Room is Weird
Author: LoneWolf
Yes, I do think I see your personality peeking out at me. I would suggest that next time you comb through your entry a little more carefully and make sure your meaning is clear. For example, in the fourth paragraph “acts as a home” makes more sense to me than “acts a home.” It could just be me, though.
Thanks for sharing some of your world with me.
Score:
16/20
Title:
In My room. in. My. Room.
Author: ms. vodka
A piece devoid of sexual references... I never guessed that you had one in you.
It’s a great entry, though, and I enjoyed reading it. I’m very nosy and I love getting little glimpses into other peoples lives. However, I do have to admit that I’m a bit jealous; I’ve always wanted a roll top desk but I just don’t have the room for it.
Please do more prose in the future!
Score:
18/20
Title:
My Private Sanctuary...
Author: nae411
Ah! A lovely tribute to your room and to yourself. It’s nice to see that the fluidity I’ve noticed in your poetry translates well into prose. I hope you attempt more prose too.
Score:
17/20
Title:
It’s a lair, I tell you
Author: Isis
You probably don’t know this, but I occasionally transpose letters when I am reading. So, the first time I read your entry (including the title), I thought you were calling your room a liar. And funnily enough, it made perfect sense to me that way. The way you wrote it is good too, but somehow I can’t get the “liar” interpretation out of my head. There’s nothing I can do but give you an extra point in hopes that it might encourage you to try out a more humor-orientated approach in the future.
Score:
15/20
Title:
Not my room, but rules are made to be broken
Author: thinstep
Great piece of flash, but there isn’t enough description of the room for it to fit this competition. I do wish you had stuck closer to the challenge so I wouldn’t have to score you so low. You have a nice style of writing and that was an awesome ending. Maybe next time I’ll be able to give you a score that better reflects your abilities.
Score:
13/20
Title:
An un-private space
Author: damien_frosst
Awesome. I love it when you guys are honest. Once again, Mr. Frosst, you have done well. I guess that’s all I have to say.
Score:
16/20
Title:
Love is Green, But my Walls are Red
Author: bobothegoat
Why do you do this to me? Your humor is always welcome - in fact, I look forward to it - but you need to get a look at the edge of my desk. It’s covered in blood because I have been bashing my head against it every time I read an entry that I want to score higher but can’t. I absolutely love where you went with this, though. Maybe next time your muse will let you write something that doesn’t go too far beyond what the competition calls for.
Score:
14/20
Title:
Nightmares of Pearl Street
Author: eggo
You people are really breaking my heart. Other than a few grammar and sentence structure issues, this was pretty good. You went too far off-topic for this competition though.
Score:
12/20
Title:
Me, myself, and my room
Author: sanyuja
Very nice but where’s the sights, sounds, and textures? What you wrote is poignant but this competition is more about a physical description of your room. If you could’ve somehow combined the psychological with the physical, I think you might have fared better. I hope you’ll enter again next time around.
Score:
12/20
Title:
My Side
Author: Gigi
No, it didn’t feel too long this time. You’ve got a great combination of emotional and physical description here. Even though I’ve never experienced divorce (nor marriage for that matter), you had me right there throughout the piece. Well done.
Score:
18/20
Title:
Contentment is a Place
Author: Achilles
Not really a description of your room, is it?
It’s not bad - there are several parts I liked - but it didn’t grab me the way some of the others did. I think this piece might have been more effective if you moved the second to last paragraph up a little further, right after the first one maybe, and rearrange slightly the paragraphs that come after.
Score:
13/20
Title:
Plastic Kiss
Author: Ruben
What and imagination you have, young Ruben! You made a few errors...well, I really shouldn’t call them errors, they’re more pitfalls... Anyway, you fell into a few traps that perhaps a more experienced writer might not have. But that’s okay. The important thing is that you’re learning and I think this is the best I’ve seen from you yet. Just watch out for your commas (you use way to many), don’t hyphenate words that aren’t meant to be, and try to avoid writing sentences like this one: “ It was inhabited by a clock on which a clown rested, the very thing that woke him up every day at early hours, driving him mad every morning.” Whether read with the previous sentence or taken on its own, it doesn’t make as much sense (nor does it sound as nice) as it should.
Score:
13/20
Title:
The Dime Tour
Author: Hodge
It’s good but I don’t really like prose that is comprised solely of dialogue. You do have a flair for it though. I wonder what you would have been able to do if I had given you a higher word limit. Oh well. It’s probably best not to dwell too much on what might have been.
I think this is the most unique piece in this competition (or at least the most unique one that actually answered the challenge we set out for you) and for that, you get an extra point as well.
Score:
16/20
Anyway, congratulations everyone.
this one was more for practice than anything else, but wow - thank you two very very much! There were some excellent pieces for competition and I thought I was done for fer sure!
)
