Hawke

Hello, Dear Writers, and welcome to another LM. This time you are given something a little different:

Cover Letter
You’re applying for a job. Any job anywhere, real or fictitious.
In no more than 500 words (not counting the title), sell yourself or a fictitious person for the job.
Prompt courtesy of eggo


Submissions may only be posted in this thread or in the thread provided in the Writers Workshop (you must provide a link to your submission in this thread if you opt to use the Writers' Workshop). Everyone is welcome to participate. Note: Judges may participate, but their entries will not be scored.

Submissions will be accepted until Sept. 1 (2 weeks)
Judging period: Sept. 2nd - Sept. 8th
Results will be posted on or before Sept. 9th

Good luck to everyone!

Your judges for this round are:
Brightside
SacredCircle
Triq
eggo
Shawn

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Click And Submit:

Chaeronia

Use your cover letter to illustrate why we should hire you:

There was this guy, strange old gent who talked through his dog. I knocked on his door and explained who I was. He whistled twice and this dog popped its head through the door. 'Mister Natterjack, would you tell the kind gentleman that I will have his money tomorrow,' he said, and then closed the door. I must say it took me by surprise, as it would anyone. Couldn't help but laugh, though, so I gave him this one. When I don't have to rush I always give them another day, no extra charge. Helps for future business I always think.

But when I went round the next day I just got the same routine. Naturally I couldn't allow that so I wedged my foot in the door. Explained what he owed was due, all calm like, as I always am, and he let me in without another word. The house was huge but there was nothing in it: no plasma TV or DVD player or computer, none of the usual gizmos these people seem to have when they claim they're skint. The walls were all dotted with white patches where pictures used to sit, and I could make out little dents in the lounge carpet where furniture used to stand. He'd sold it all.

He owed two-hundred and fifty-six pounds. If he couldn't pay today it would be three-hundred and seven pounds and twenty pence tomorrow (I've got a very good head for figures). I explained all this knowing we wouldn't see a penny. I'm very thorough, see. I like to use protocol.

With that in mind, I asked him whether he had anything in the house that could make the payment. He looked at his dog, this dirty labrador with patches of fur missing, and shrugged. 'Tell him that the upstairs is as devoid as the down. Except for our mattress, eh, Mister Natterjack, and I doubt he'd want that! Tell him he's about fifty years too late for a slice of the family fortune. Tell him it's all gone.'

I was frustrated as I'd always mentioned to my boss that we needed a way of screening who we loaned to (I like to be innovative and challenge existing systems). I called my boss and told him what had happened but all he said was, 'Just make him pay'. Which I relayed to the old man. He smiled and shrugged and looked at his dog.

No debt goes unpaid.

I pulled out the crowbar I always keep handy and struck the dog on the head, then hit it twice more just to make sure (I'm very thorough, see). I explained to the old man that his debt was paid, and never to contact us again. He just looked at me, and I knew I'd hurt him, which was good because in business you can't let people fuck with you, right?

ohdear

To whom it may concern

I wish to apply for the advertised internship. The assets that I bring to this role are substantial and wide spread. I am well known for going above and beyond the call of duty. I will do what ever it takes to get the job done. I have first hand experience at handling the press and promise never to leave your office exposed. I work well under pressure and seem to have a gift of knowing just what to do when things come to a head.

Please find enclosed my resume which details my current experience. What it does not cover however, is my willingness to work outside of normal office hours which I know this role will require. I have the utmost discretion so you will never be left wondering if things could be misconstrued. My credentials are impeachable and I am sure you will find them in order and hard to ignore.
Yours unfaithfully
Monica

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cheers Robyn
http://thecentreofinfinity.com

Matthatter

Mr. Thomas Hutchinson,

I will keep this simple, for I can never pretend to be as intelligent as you. I am sure a man such as yourself, one who has accomplished so much, so quickly, can appreciate my attempts at brevity.

I want, no (holding back would be to deceive you; you take me as I am), I need you. Make me your wife, I beg of you.

I know that I am attractive, as many, many gentlemen have told me. Women are envious of me. You are a proud man, and, having humbly submitted at your feet, I am a woman who does not, and will not, attempt to change that which I must have. I merely want to help you better be what you are. For this, you give me the gratitude of knowing you chose me.

I want to note that, while I said many men have called me beautiful, I have remained an undamaged flower. I say this as mere information, to not be held against me, for I assure you I have prepared for the moment with various training devices (an ice-cream sundae not only provides a rigorous oral workout, but the precision required to knot a cherry-stem in one's mouth). There are also certain muscles that, if trained, can clamp down on certain dangerous tools to keep them steady when they're turned on. I just want to prepare you for this, so you have something to look forward to when we meet for an interview.

You are a busy man, Mr. Thomas Hutchinson, and I know that when you come home, you need food and rest. I will soothe you. Your stomach will remain fully fed of your favorite dishes, while I regularly empty your tool case, clean it out nice and good, and store it away in my room for you.

Here I am again, holding back. It's been obvious to you, for you understand my words for what they are. But I don't worry that you may take me for a loose chick. I know, with full confidence, of my intelligence, yet I can no longer overshadow my animal passions. I have controlled them, I have kept them in, until I had met you. I may be out of line, but you must know the truth - I believe it is your responsiblity, for rendering me an emotional cripple, for I'm forced to keep this sexuality inside me, leaving only you to break through.

I need you to take it, and to withhold the waves of my feelings, smashing into you. But I assure you I'll be gentle, Mr. Hutchinson, for I promise that I am like a bird broken free from the egg's bondage, to depend on you, my savior, for without you I'm in hell.

Please, at least meet with me, ask me whatever you want, we will do whatever you want. If this letter does not convince you to choose me, I will prove it to you with my hands, my heart and my soul.

I will wait for you,

Wendy Nealson.

Wildcard

The human resources manager
Northeastern sector,
Hell.


Dear Apollyon,

I am currently employed as chief minion in the slums, and oversee the burning and torture of our many residents. I have worked here for the past millennia and I can assure you that I am very good at my job.

I received the memo that the position of High Deceiver is now available and I can guarantee that you will find no demon more fitting to take up the reins of this task.

I am a very quick learner and I have studied and re-studied master Lucifer’s book “The Laws Of Deception” and have even applied a number of his stated principles. I have also attended all of his seminars - the most recent being “Ultimate Chaos, The Only Way Forward” – and consider myself a somewhat “apt pupil” if you would.

I have no obligations to impede me from fully immersing myself in my work and as my attached track record shows, I take any task assigned to me very seriously.

I have never been late or absent (my Overlords will vouch for that), and I have never failed at any task I was assigned, or complained that it was too hard or gruesome. I am not afraid to get my hands (or my wings) dirty, and I will do whatever it takes to ensure that chaos reigns supreme, both in our world and in that of humankind.

I look forward to hearing from you and I assure you that you will not regret making me a part of the team.

Yours respectfully,

Abigor

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-- Reilly (Everyday Madness)

speakerphone2

Dear Mister Sir,

Job what’s a job this would be my first I am really good at massaging people sometimes my aunt she makes pies and I eat them quite oftentimes but sometimes I buy them from a supermarket because the market is super and the pies are like heaven but I’m an atheist so maybe the pies are just super like the markets where I buy them if my aunt didn’t bake one yet my cousins they like her carrot cupcakes better but I figure why put a carrot in a cupcake I mean that’s a great way to get a rabbit stuck in a cake I think rabbit cake might taste bad, and why put rabbits in cakes if god wanted rabbits in cakes he would have put them there but I’m an atheist by the way I have strong arms and I can work in the back placing boxes not people in boxes because like rabbits they don’t like confines I want to build a room that is a circle like the oval office only better because it wouldn’t look like an egg and then it wouldn’t remind me of Easter but Easter doesn’t really exist because I’m an atheist and my mom thinks I’m a good plumber because when the shower was plugged up I went in the bathtub with tweezers and pulled out my childhood pet and really I would say my best feature is my mouth because it can do many things like breathing and chewing and tasting and yelling. But I wouldn’t yell at the work job.

Super sincerely,
Brittney Michael Jacinta Johnson-Stone-Walters
(I have three moms and they’re all atheists too)

eggo

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Tiamat10

Dear Jim Bob Jeehosefat,

Firs' off, the missus and I surely do thank you an’ Maple for comin' round the house last Sundee, an’ you can tell her from me that her pie was dee-lish-us. Well, I culdn' eat it but good ole Rex wolfed that sucker down like it was last week's macaroni an’ cheese, let me tell you.

Anyways, like you was tellin' me, y'alls got a job opening down there at the chicken ranch for a chicken masterbater. (Boy, I tell you, I still can't say that one out loud without catchin' me a fit'a the giggles. But I reckon y'all got them there enviernmentalists down y'alls throat about chickens needin' ta have ‘emselves a good time too, right?)

I promise you I'm highly kwalified for the job. I dun choked my own chicken more times than I can count. Yeah, I just pop into the backroom of the rental store for one of them there videotapes an' then I come home and sit on the couch and happy birthday ta me. I find the two-handed teckneek works best but I'm willin' ta experiment a li’l more if y'all think it'll help? Then again, I bet y'all know all sorts'a different techneeks, right? Is there a video I get ta watch on that, you know, as part of my training?

I sure do hope I get this job cus the missus and me are expectin’ another visit from the stork soon, so with Susie, Billy, Joey, Larry, and little what’s-his-name already, that’ll make seven hungry yung'uns to feed. (I keep tellin’ the missus she’ oughta let me go to the video store more offen but she won’ hear none of it.)

I ain’t worked in a good while, but the last job I had was killin’ coons for old man Wyatt down there at the scrap yard. He culdn’ pay much but I tell you, them critters didn’ last long wit me and my .22 huntin’ ‘em down. Old man Wyatt dun said I was the best shot he’d ever seen and I told him. I said, “Wyatt, you ain’t seen nuthin’ till you seen Jim Bob shoot down a woodpecker in the middle’a the night for makin’ too much noise.”

Anyways, I’m sure them chickens an’ me are gonna be good friends if’n I get the job. I’m real excited ‘bout it so I think I’m gonna go practice a bit, soon as I’m dun writin’ this here letter. (The missus is visitin’ her mama for the day.)

‘ppresheeate it, Jim Bob. Give Maple my love.

Billy Joe Badgeezus

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AlittlePlum

Talking clock Inc

To whom it may concern,

I am here to apply for the position of 'The Talking Clock.' I have 18 years of experience in reading the time and 15 years experience in telling it. I received 13 GCSEs which consisted of 10 A*'s and 3 A's. I then went onto A levels where I received another 3 A's, all in Maths, Biology and Nuclear Physics. I tell you this because my high grades prove to you that I finished each exam within plenty of time and then commenced onto my most serious of activities which was to both watch and whisper the time quietly to myself.

I have spent four years in Cambridge University studying for a degree in Time Watching, where I have done such courses as,

Alarm setting (1 term)
Watch reading (2 terms)
Queens English in correctly pronouncing the numbers 1-12 (1 term)
Queens English in correctly pronouncing the numbers 1-60 (3 terms)
Marathon on time telling (3rd year)

My record on telling the time constantly is 2 weeks and 5 days and I was only taken away when I started hallucinating due to lack of sleep.

I think you'll find there isn't anyone as qualified as me and as efficient as myself to get the job done.

Looking forward to your response

Ms Samantha Cogsworth

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geisha

2.0

9-1-08

Mr. Slim Roz McDizzle
Pimp Daddy Supreme
Ball Ticklers, Inc
Chicago, IL


Dear Mr. McDizzle:


I was very excited to see your classified ad in the August issue of The T-(Bag) Party. I am qualified to hold the position of Relaxation Assistant for your prestigious company, Ball Ticklers, Inc, due to my extensive training and personal experiences. My mother was an independent contractor in this particular field and I have learned much in my observation and practical application of her inventive techniques.


While in college, most of the time I was not in class was spent on discovering, perfecting, and creating new after-hours disciplines. After some time, I came to the conclusion that my aptitudes in this were far higher than in Business Accounting, so I focused all of my energies into expanding my knowledge and experience in this field. Many a night was spent after school with professors and students alike.


In addition to the mainstream, more conventional methods, I have gained expertise in such techniques as Pony Girl, Donkey Shovel, Roman Turkey, Banana Taxi, Spit Roast, and many more. I also have quite a few new ideas taking shape, I would love to bring them to your firm to work with your team of administrators in order to develop and implement these ideas.


My self-imposed internship of 2 years is nearly at its end. During this time I have serviced high-profile customers in powerful positions. I would bring many of these customers to your company, and I'm sure said customers would present you with a business deal entailing the use of your fine outfit alone. My resume is enclosed for review, and upon request I will provide you with a list of references and professional recommendations.


I look forward to speaking with you personally about this exciting opportunity, any consideration for this position is greatly appreciated.


Thank you for your time.


Kari Johnson

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