LinkBack URL
About LinkBacks
A thank you to smilinghelps for the theme of this round of LM, and to speakerphone2 for providing the letter!
And, as always, don't forget to tip your judges.
smilinghelps
Pete_C
Hawke
Please check my math. I've been known to screw it up.
Here we go:
Pete_C's Scores
I think because the original letter was slightly off the wall, it makes it quite difficult to see a common theme in the replies. Some have paddled around the edges of the murky pool of nonsensicality, others have waded straight in, and a few have gone gung-ho off the top board. I tried to keep that in mind when scoring them, but my over-riding concern was whether I liked the responses or not.
I also awarded everyone who entered 10 out of 20, and then for everything I didn’t like I subtracted, and for everything I did like I added. The result is that you all scored 10/20. No, not really. Some did worse!
Wheelz1138 – 10/20
Wheelz stuck to the script like, well, something that sticks to something very closely. It reminded of one of those nature programmes when they take a wild beast into it’s natural habitat and open the cage door. A few hours later, the animal is still in the cage, eating something or sleeping. I think given the potential to be silly, it was just too sensible.
Alanmt – 13/20
Alanmt was the first letter to make me laugh. Okay, it was only the second one I read, but that matters not. He took the time to bother picking the negatives out of the letter to turn the situation around (1 point), made the obvious Atlanta joke (1 point), and pointed out that when the unemployed take month long trips, you shouldn’t be concerned for their wealth (1 point).
Silverwriter – 11/20
Okay, a point for trying to tie the problems to something else, and you damn well nearly lost that point back, plus a few more, for making it Sudoku. I don’t get that game; it’s attraction is surely limited by the fact that answers are all inevitably the same. I ended up disliking the man, and I don’t think that was the point.
StephenP2003 – 10/20
Tea? Chinese Tea? Fia Jong? This mentions sources but doesn’t quote them, and could benefit from a bit of an edit too. I don’t know, but I can’t help think that young Stephen has been a tad too serious about this challenge, and serious doesn’t earn you points. Well, not in my point tally it doesn’t.
Vangoghsear - 16/20
A good start that raised a chortle, and a nice belligerent stance that gets to the root of the problem immediately. Those grinning dickless bears mocking her pretend boyfriend. No girl – even one who is an obvious mentalist – is going to stand for that. A higher score for a higher quality response.
Mermaid on the breakwater – 13/20
Dear Twat. Did you think that was funny? Do you think it’s big using words like that? Is that what you call comedy? Well, sunshine, it made me laugh (1 point). Then you started talking about a rage virus or something, and then just as you were headed for the abyss you introduced a friend from the banking world, the inanity of which earned you another point, and then just before you were penalised for telling her to secure all teddy bears, a blow to the temple saved your hide.
Fictionfreak – 10/20
You earned a point for bringing God into the occasion, and then lost a point for not doing anything funny with him. It’s not like you didn’t have time; you tale was very brief, like this comment.
Jiieden – 8/20
Oh Jiieden, Jiieden, Jiieden; what did you do? Minus 1 point for not mentioning anything in the letter, minus another for posting a list of clichés that weren’t the funniest of typical clichés, and minus am point for having a name that’s hard to pronounce. Okay, I’ll give you the point back for the last one, but really, try and pay more attention in class.
Matthatter – 12/20
One point for a plausible explanation of the behaviour, and another point for the line: ‘He wants to burry you in the dirt of his life.’ I might have given you two points had you spelled bury correctly. You would have received a veritable hatful of points if you had stuck to the dog theme. There are so many puns you could have used (feeling ruff, barking mad, being hounded).
Futhark – 14/20
Futhark, you nearly hit the bullseye with the comment about both cycles falling together: ‘You can point and he can smash. It saves you the hassle!’ I gave you an earth-shattering 5 points for that. You didn’t earn any for the Atlanta Braves comment, because I am from Hingerland, and we don’t understand football played in helmets and padding (if indeed the Braves are such an operation). I’m guessing that folks in the US might have chuckled. Then you signed off your letter as Dewey Cheetum & Howe. That cost you a point. Venture down the well-trod path of old jokes at your peril.
Apple – 15/20
That’s right. It’s all about sex. It is always about sex. When my newspaper doesn’t arrive, the newsagent says it was a different paperboy, but I know it’s all about sex. The milk goes sour. It’s all about sex. Raining? Sex. Too fat? Sex. Stupid? Sex. I also like the whole suicide/sex thing. Most men would rather have sex; I know, I asked one. In fact, if I was suicidal, I wouldn’t say no to a blow job before I leaped from the bridge. Somehow, being a girl, Apple spotted that. Five points!
Winterstorm – 10/20
Now Winterstorm, when I read your work I could hear the voice giving the advice. It sounded just like Barry White. Then I noticed that you are a female. I hate to say this love, but you are going to struggle to get a husband with a voice like that. I also didn’t buy the whole dead mother story. How many old ladies are called China? That’s a new fangled name like Brittany or Brooklyn. It’s part of the new world where fuel has no lead, people take their telephones to the supermarket, and women sound like Barry White.
Virtugirl333 – 10/20
A cock infection? Beat him over the head? Not a suitable treatment for those who are pregnant? Let me tell you something; if her boyfriend was acting badly, had knob rot and was pregnant, then that girl would be in all manners of shit. Now, wash out your mouth with soap and water; girls shouldn’t talk of such dirty things.
Hakeem – 11/20
I gave you additional point, only because I believe that had she dressed in a bear costume and kept a cleaver near by, you might well solve the problem when he cuts her into millions of pieces. Mind you, expect a letter from him when his arse is like a blood orange after picking up the soap in the showers in Cell Block A, where he shares with Mr Big. Mind you, you can’t make an omelette, eh Hakeem?
Loulou – 16/20
I read the opening line: ‘I once dated a horse called Stan.’ Then I got up from my computer and went and sat down in a darkened room. I imagined the courtship, the engagement, the wedding and the reception, the wedding night. I thought about it all in great detail, and only stopped after 14 hours when the neighbours started banging on the windows, calling out: ’Please Mister, don’t think no more!’ The first paragraph earned five points, and the PS earned another.
Doctor Snuff – 11/20
A mixture of nearly sensible advice and the random killing of a bear. I also like how he specified an outdoors camping trip. It is surprising how many people take indoors camping trips and end up finding it something of a disappointment. My favourite camping takes place in hotel rooms … without a tent, but with a litre of vodka and a girl who can called anything you want, but that’s another story.
Murdershewrote2005 – 11/20
I read your letter and still aren’t quite sure what you’re saying. Are you a bit, well, mad? Mind you, I did give a point for insinuating that he was shagging the teddy bears via their necks (I hope that was what you meant).
Lost in Some Story – 13/20
A no-nonsense approach with just enough stupidity to make it work. Why do women have stuffed toys anyway? I always thought they wanted cars, houses, boats and gold. If I gave my missus a teddy, she’d give me one hell of a kung fu kick to the testicular region, and say: ‘Where’s the speedboat?’
Eggo - 16/20
A great way to finish. Okay, I know the advice was supposed to be bad, but at least one person flouted convention and told it like it really is. Now, some people won’t like how I’ve marked this, so I shall respond using a line From Eggo.
‘Your problem is you let the monkey saddle the horse and now you don’t like how it’s tied.’
Reply With Quote
Good work. Thank you. 
Bookmarks