Thread: 10/30/07 | Advice Column

This LM Challenge is the brainchild of smilinghelps. The letter is courtesy of speakerphone2.

Your challenge this round is to write a Dear Abby type reply to the letter provided below. The catch is you must not give proper advice, but give the wrong advice as convincingly as possible.

Each letter must be no longer than 250 words.

Entries accepted until November 6, 2007. (1 week)

Your judges this round are:
Hawke
Pete C
Smilinghelps
Voodoo

And now for the letter:

Dear WF Members, My boyfriend is in desperate need of help. Last night, I caught him burning my teddy bears and cutting their heads off! He even threatened to go to Atlantis and tell God a thing or two. It all started when he went away to China for a month. He said it was business, but I have a doubt about that. You see, he doesn't work. He got back a couple months ago and he keeps making these crazy things up. Should I leave him or convert? Whatever you say, I trust your judgment!

Off Topic:

This is my entry... finally posted in its correct place.

Dear "Concerned" Girlfriend,

Your boyfriend is doing nothing wrong. In fact, he is helping society. I wish I didn't have to tell you this, but I see no choice.

Your boyfriend does work. He's just been afraid to let you know. Do you really believe he went to China simply to relax? In reality he is part of a world-wide group of boyfriends hired by international leaders to destroy all stuffed bears. Once they are all eliminated, Atlantis will rise again.

That is key to the established religions of Earth. God lives on Atlantis, and he despises teddy bears. Therefore, your boyfriend will in fact be able to "tell God a thing or two" once your teddy bears are gone. Stop jumping to conclusions though. Your boyfriend only wants to chill with his favorite Deity. What is more important, your teddy bears or being able to meet God?

Now for the bad news... I hope you're sitting down. The return of Atlantis to the surface will cause North America, especially the United States to sink below the oceans. A good news / bad news situation unfortunately, but you can survive happily if you follow a few simple steps.

1. Immediately move to Europe. It will still be above water after the U.S. Is gone.

2. Help your boyfriend burn your evil teddy bears. The sooner they're gone the faster you'll be able to meet God.

3. Don't convert. It's not necessary. God loves all.

Hope I've been helpful.

- Wheelz

Dear Miss Trustful,

It is clear to me that your boyfriend is crazy - crazy about you! He wants to know if you really love him, so he engages in these playful games.

Someone in your relationship has a problem, but I am afraid it is not your boyfriend - it is you! Can you say "trust issues"? Relationships are about trust, and you don't seem to have any. You are all about blaming ("I caught him") and judging ("I have a doubt about that" and "making these crazy things up"). Well, my advice is to stop blaming, stop judging, and start trusting! Go get some counseling for your trust issues, and while you're at it, take a geography class and learn how to spell Atlanta!

Besides, who cares if he doesn't work? If he can afford to spend a month in China, girl, when he's unemployed, that means he's rich - R I C H! Don't let go of this one, sweetie!

Alan
Advice from Alan (c)

Dear Teddy Bear Enthusiast,

You present an interesting situation, but the answers are clear to me. I’m surprised they aren’t clear to you.

Apparently you aren’t well read on the mating rituals of the group of ancient Japanese sudoku warriors, the Sudoken, who migrated to China some time after the invention of the rubik’s cube. The business he spoke of could only be one thing – the business of becoming a man and true Sudoken warrior.

The rituals of the Sudoken involve some of the things you are describing, such as burning your teddy bears – demonstrating his prowess in combating your other suitors. Chopping off their heads – reliving the ancient Sudoken belief: There can be only one.

My suggestion to you is to applaud his bravery and offer him any other stuffed animals – even kittens and rabbits – for him to dispose of. I’m sure he isn’t very happy with your attitude of late, so offerings of the sudoku/comic pages of newspapers and books of sudoku puzzles are great gift ideas.

Sincerely,
The Advice Aussie

PS. If your boyfriend would like to talk to me, please let him know I’m not currently residing in Atlantis. I’ll be in Egypt until further notice.

A Victim of the Epidemic


Dearest stranger,

Unfortunately, the situation looks grim, as I know exactly what is happening. Ask your boyfriend if he drank any tea while he was in China. If you've been following the news closely, you'd see there have been recent reports of a disease called Fia Jong, which is caused by a new strand of a serious brain-targeted virus, making its way around rural areas in China, most notably in tea leaves. To make a long explanation short, it will cause delusional and irrational behavior. To me, the symptoms match up, as there was a report three weeks ago of an infected person setting fire to his daughter's bed. When questioned by authorities, his speech was incoherent much like your boyfriend's. I believe a video interview with the man is on YouTube.

From what I’ve read online, there are several forms of treatment, but because the disease is fairly new, there is no real cure as of yet. However, the disease is apparently not fatal. I recommend reading the article CNN.com published about it a few days ago. It might be of some help. You won't know what he was really doing in China until you can treat this virus. My advice is to have him seek medical attention, even if it’s against his will. If you truly care for him, you’ll have step up, show some tough love, and stick by his side. Good luck.

Sincerely,
Your Go-To Guy

Originally Posted by caution

Caution Strong Language

Dear Sex Starved Headless Teddy Burner,

Come on Deary, confess. There is no “boyfriend,” is there? You have obviously created a fantasy where your independently wealthy “boyfriend” jets over to China for months at a time, leaving you alone at home to deal with all the real, dreary, and dull, aspects of daily life.

So, now you become jealous of your fantasy boy. He’s off gallivanting around the globe while you’re stuck sitting home alone. You imagine he’s with other women, the pig! You grow increasingly sexually frustrated and vulnerable. You grab a teddy bear, the one that’s always smiling at you, laughing at your pain (the evil little shit) and you throttle his stuffed neck. He’s still smiling, but he won’t be for long. With your bare hands you rip his fricking, fluffy, face and head from his limp, dick-less, body and throw him on a pile of other headless, dick-less, teddy bears. Then you take a match and light a fire to the heap as an offering to the sweet gods of Atlantis to bring you a real goddamn man! This time, not some asshole who doesn’t understand that you have responsibilities like a weekly advice column that doesn’t write its own damn self you know!

Do whatever you want. I don’t give a damn. I quit!

Where are my fucking matches?

Sincerely,
Sick of the Whiners!

Dear Twat,

I am afraid this man must be detained. After cross-referencing this with a few of my colleagues, it has become apparent that he most likely has a form of the "rage virus" as you may well have seen in the films "28 Days Later" and "28 Weeks Later". It is of the utmost importance that you refrain from making bodily contact and lock him an enclosed environment.

In the worst case scenario - he cuts more teddy bears to pieces - you must look for signs such as frothing at the mouth and a dilated, red/brown iris. If all of these features are prevalent, and my friend's suspicions at the Lloyds TSB branch you frequent, are proved correct, you must call the police and ask for the ATAU (Active Twat Assurance Unit) who will immediately dispatch a squad to your residence.

If he has come into contact with anyone, just the meerest touch, then you simply must follow these steps in precaution of an outbreak of the virus.

1. Board your doors and windows.

2. Ensure you have active fire escapes.

3. Secure all teddy bears in the parameters of the building.

4. Arm yourself with whatever you can.

5. Give your boyfriend a slap to the temple, neutralising him until the coast is clear.

This is scarlet fox, 1.00000000000001.95.68789 over and out. You have my contact card. Good luck, fair citizen.

Girlfriend of the Boyfriend,

The evidence is in front of you, dear. Scorching teddies and cutting their cute little heads off is clearly an act of courage. This man loves you, he would never want to hurt you, but he is evidently torn. Your lover, I dare say, is already engaged to somebody else.

There is only one reason people go to china, and that reason involves converting Asians. Are you still guessing? He is engaged to God! Why else would he want to tell God a thing or two? He is faithful, and if God says “kill teddies”, then it is done. Your sweetheart is a very busy follower indeed.

Sincerly, Ruth Graham

Dear Poor Little Thing,

Forget your boyfriend, for I have
More serious concerns.

Play not with matches.
Do not run with scissors.

Tomorrow, be careful of black cats.

In love, be wary. In life, be lyrical.

Sing when no one can hear you. Dance in front of the bathroom mirror. Naked.

Keep the meat seperate in the fridge, and smell the milk before you drink it.

Dress warm in the storm.

Never stand up on the bus before it has finished moving, but
Always stand up for what you believe in.

Please, mind the gap.

The best things in life are free, so
You should carry cash at all times.

Never eat lunch alone.

Investments can go down, as well as up.

And remember, always - always! - read the label.

Yours Truly,

The Commission for Health, Safety, Cliches and Well-being

Dear Miss Mistaken,

I feel your pain, darling, I do. I assure you that this is perfectly normal.

I was in love with a man once. John. John was perfect… almost too perfect. Then, one day I caught him marking his scent on my lawn. I was young and foolish, so I was mortified. But now, with the wisdom that comes with age, I accept that men are territorial. There’s nothing you can do about that, dear. As dogs will always eat shoes, it will always be our job to train them.

What you see as irrational, destructive behavior is actually a quite romantic sign of his love for you: You are his treasure. He wants to burry you in the dirt of his life.

And why are you giving your love to teddy bears when you're a grown woman with a boyfriend? Honey, let the past go, you’re an adult now. Your boyfriend is a living, breathing man that loves you back; does linen, cotton and buttons do that?

He went to China because he wanted you to miss him, to appreciate him more. Can you imagine his pain when he saw that you hadn't loved him enough to lose the toys? You should be happy cutting them up is all he did.

Marry him as soon as you can… or you will have no one…


Hugs and kisses,
Marilyn.

As a judge, I know it doesn't count, but...

Hello my friend,

Trust me when I say I understand your pain. I have been through the same thing, when my late husband showed such signs. Sadly, he was in the grip of a terrible disease, and his fate was not a good one. I fear that you must prepare yourself for the worst.

However, it is not all bad news. My departed husband was the finance minister in a Government department here in Nigeria, and after his death I found a document that shows he managed a fund of US$33,000,000,000. This money is still in the account, and unless I can transfer these funds they will eventually be returned to the Government, who currently know nothing about the money. They will only use it to buy thumb-screws to torture blind children.

Because I understand your pain, I know you will be trustworthy. I propose that if you help me tranfer this sum of money, you can retain US$10,000,000,000 for yourself. Then a dead boyfriend will not matter too much.

Send me your bank account details immediately, and remember, tell no one about this special arrangement of true friends.

Your friend
Cynthia Agabawowle

Dear Soulmate:

Don't worry! I can tell that this is your first time "in a relationship," and you haven't yet learned all there is to know about men. Let me assure you, this is all a natural part of the male life cycle.

Your boyfriend is destroying your teddy bears? He has a perfectly good reason. Just like women, men go through a "special time of the month." The only difference is that while women want to kill everything in sight, men actually do. Don't worry: you're not in any danger. Give him a week, and he'll be back to normal. And, if you begin to live with him for a while, you'll find that both of your "special times" will start falling around the same time of the month. This can be a great bonding experience. You can point, and he can smash! It saves you the hassle!

Don't give much thought to what he said about Atlantis and God. That's just manly code-talk for going to Atlanta to talk with Bob. Bob Cox, that is: the manager of the Atlanta Braves. Every man has a thing or two to tell Bob, so that just means your boyfriend is normal.

Every woman goes through doubt during her first relationship. And just about all of them have experiences like yours. Don't give up on your boyfriend. Instead, try to understand him. I'm sure everything will work out in the end.

Yours in All Honesty,

-Dewey Cheetum & Howe

Dear Deer in the Headlights,


It’s your fault. Wake up. NOW! Why do you think a man would burn or slice the heads off his girlfriend’s teddy bears? Because he may be potentially dangerous or insane? No. It’s not some subterranean message, lady. In his meek and passive-aggressive way, he’s telling you to GROW UP. Put away childish things. He needs a woman. Not some simpering little twit. He wants fire, more sex, lingerie with garters, perhaps furry handcuffs, a kitten whip. I’m a man and I know. I recognize these symptoms.

Have you heard the phrase, “eat everything on your plate because there are millions of starving people in China?” Your boyfriend didn’t go to China, toots. It was one of those “things” he made up, because he wanted to get away from you for a while. An unconscious metaphor for his empty plate. The rumbling in his gut. His hunger for “woman.”

You live on the East Coast, obviously, because you mentioned that he’s threatened to go to Atlantis to tell God a thing or two. It’s the Atlantic, dear, not Atlantis. (You prove my point exactly. Duh.) He wants to damn God for ever having met you, to rage at Him for being born a male, and then led to you. He’s torn between love and death. The cold Atlantic calls to him. “Come on in, the water’s fine.”

Suicide … bad, Sugar. Hot sex … good. GIVE HIM A BREAK.

Sincerely pissed,

Tim Likeus

Dear Someone Clearly in need of help,

Now, this is just sad, your husband is pretty famous and it says right here in the magazine, that he went to see his mother, named China, who passed away Friday. Handling his mothers funeral is some pretty darn depressing business to take care of, someone would think.

Altantis? Seriously that place has been lost since, how long? And do you really think that God would be down there, there wouldn't be no hospital shutdowns, mental ward facilities, or "oh my gosh, my hand is gone....did you see that shark that took it". He's just yoking your chain.

As far as the teddy bears go, that was his mother's last dying request in her will. But don't you think you're a little too old for stuffed animals anyway, he's really doing you a favor, learn how to say thank you.

Ps. Run to a therapist.

Uh-huh your welcome,

Chaka

Dear tedi111,

I have some bad news. Your boy friend has the newest new strain of staff infection. If his skin has many little bumps, then he has all the signs. How ever, there is a cure. You must tie him up & bash him over the head with a teddy bear for 5 minutes, every hour on the hour, for 48 hors. This should take care of it. Consult your doctor before trying to do this, as this is not suitable for those who are pregnant/may become pregnant.

Best of luck,
Dr. A. D. Vice