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Another great round of LM with 21 submissions for the Fly on the Wall Challenge!
As always, let's give the Judges their due. It's a lot of work to read through so many stories and comment on each of them. Thank you for your time and effort, Mike, Clancyboy, and Hawke.
And finally, if you find a mistake in my math, don't hesitate to point it out. It's late, I'm tired and the numbers begin to blur after awhile.
Here are your scores:
Judge - Mike
- Vangogshear's "Great Set of Ears" – 17.5
"I could have sworn I turned that feature off?" Is this a question.
She seems to think it perfectly normal that the Word clip feature is reading her thoughts and responding to them. I would be freakin' out. But, this sets up the idea that the office drolls would barely hiccup if a nuke went off next door.
Your own research about flies is worthy, but the process and information may be bleeding too much into the story.
The climax is missing - the metamorphosis and espionage: what the story is building up to. This makes it anti-climatic and I felt let-down.
The ending riff is funny, despite the hand-in-hand way the dialogue is written as a punch-line to a joke.
Ending comments: the story could be more character-driven in a more animated environment. I don't want to be hovering around the M.C.'s desk the whole time; I'd rather have been more excited to overhear what was said in the boss' office and let the consequences dwindle down from there. I noticed the changes you made in the edit and raised your score accordingly.
Strangedaze's "Feaver" - 14
The pace is a little disjointed at first, but it gets better. I think it's because of the first two lines of dialogue. I don't think they are ultimately necessary.
"High school kids trying to get a peek into the girl's changeroom" - fragmented sentence
"changeroom" doesn't fit in with the teenage construct. (ie: "But Feaver's not a chick.")
"Fucken" isn't a word. I'd rather see: fuckin'
"Wrinkled ankles, wiry purple veins." - fragmented sentence
The allusion to Hal is too much for this short story. Were it in a longer piece, it might work, but the point or moral of the allusion is misdirected, leaving me going: "huh." Using such an abrupt, derogatory word like "faggot" lets the readers know how the M.C. feels and reacts when seeing the two old men, but combined with the allusion (and, thus, an anti-climatic ending), it makes me - as a reader - wonder if the author's own feelings about homosexuality might be dripping enough into the story to disrupt the conclusion.
Clancyboy's "Baby?"
Despite the lack of imagery, the story works because of the setting - primarily bedroom darkness. The pace, though, suffers because of the short dialogue exchanges. At times, I'm confused who is talking.
I don't like the ha's and heh's in the story. A few times is enough, but I'd rather see it mixed up with 'she laughed' or 'he giggled.'
"It's 2 AM, you can work on your comedy routine in the morning." - the numbers rule still applies in dialogue: one to ninety-nine, and 100 after that. However, I know rules like this are changing. I would appreciate the use of "2 AM" more (and I think it should be "a.m.") if there wasn't anything after it. We know Brian is being funny and a little unbearable, so we don't need to be informed. Also, shortening the sentence to "It's 2 a.m." could imply to us how snappy and tired she could be feeling.
"Poot" is a little outrageous and I feel it isn't needed.
"Stiiiiinks" isn't a word. It would have the same effect with just one 'i.' The same goes for 'nooooo' later on.
"As long as I can" needs a 'for.' (For as long as I can.)
Ending comments: I like how the story goes from funny and ornery in the beginning to a more serious nature. It has a good scope on that level. I do think that you can clean up some of the dialogue a bit and maybe throw in a few tags, gestures, or descriptions. At one point I did get to thinking how this is written for the 'fly on the wall' challenge, but then I remembered that there’s a baby involved.
Kenewbie's "The Secret" - 17.5
Second sentence: run-on
"I just remember what it was like..." - I am unsure of if you mean "I just remembered what it was like" or if "just" is an amplifyer. I'm thinking the latter, but it remains awkward to me.
"The secret is profound, in it's way." - its
"Nothing inspire" - nothing inspires
"You had to imagine the close-up sound of a cigarette burning crisply on the first drag." - This is leaning out the window in the fourth wall; it's even more-so because we never find out who is listening in on the conversation (which, in point of plot, is somewhat irritating).
Ending comments: good separation between characters and in the way they talk. The framework is decent as well. The storyline is somewhat apologetic in its own right, so that when we come to the final line, we're not so disappointed. I don't know how I feel about that kind of mechanic. I've seen it done in other stories - a secret that is slowly being deflated as the M.C. finds out more and more about it - but usually there is a twist of sorts somewhere. I realize that this is a flash fiction piece, so I won't hold it against you. Definitely something to build upon.
Johnna's story - 16
Second sentence - "talked". - It should be "talked." The period goes in front of the captions. That is MLA format, at least, and I believe it's what most U.S. publishers require. However, I had an animated conversation with an Italian who was taught to write it like you did. Apparently there are different standardizations. Anyway, just a small edit...
Second paragraph - misuse of semi-colons.
Third paragraph - for those of us who don't know what being on Vikodin and Xanax is like, it would be nice to have an equivolent simile.
I like the image of the loopy flying. I've definitely noticed that flies rarely every fly straight.
"You're the one that taught her to be a slut..." - I realize we're in dialogue here, so grammar doesn't always apply, but it should be "you're the one who taught her...," rather than using "that." I know that in the past there's been serious debates on that/which - but I believe this is the correct use.
Ending comments: the rest of the story seemed to flow well enough. The point of view and characterization are believable enough, and there's a lesson about eavesdropping in there as well. I think that while it was intense, it also seemed passive because of the inactivity of the M.C. However, this does capture how a child views arguing parents and wonders what might be said about him/her.
Pete C's "The Man with a Plan" - 17
While there was a fly thrown in there at the beginning, I don't know how close this story was written to the challenge parameters, especially because of the omnicient viewpoint. But this is a conspiracy story, so it just...might...work.
The main flaw in the story is that, in my opinion, you're relying on the anonymity of the characters (aside from a few descriptions and archetypes that, after the third read, make sense) to carry the story through. The flow towards that ending farewell is oftentimes random.
Third paragraph - 'all i want' is getting redundant
Fifth paragraph - '...you'll know it about.' - It should read: you'll know about it.
I like the idea of this story surrounding the missle crisis and subsequent conspiricies. I think that this piece is written in more of a happy-day style than what I would like personally, but overall you carried it well enough.
Sixlivesdown's "Apartment 667" - 15
I read this three times, slowly, and I never did find out who the M.C. is and where s/he is placed - next door? on the balcony? And then I understood that you wrote the 'fly on the wall' aspect without relaying it to the readers in the story. So, this does work better for me now, but if you're going to submit it elsewhere I would suggest adding in that information somewhere.
There are several fragmented sentences - I'd rather not point them out - but I think they work well with the jitter-modernist writing.
I am half-involved with the story. Honestly, I think it's because I've become desensitized from modern-day media, but as far as this story is concerned, what makes me unattached is that the 'fly' (M.C.) is also unattached. For example, the use of "now he was babbling," and the repetition of end-life words like 'desperation;' I can't really shuffle up to the character and identify with him. And I didn't agree with the old woman's techniques; they weren't believable enough for me.
The shift from the verbose to near-imagist at the end is a turning point; I can see that. But we've just been limited to a more definitive perspective and we're getting splashed images and thoughts all at once. It's too large a shift. It's chaotic. I think that you can leach some of the redundancy from the beginning and add on to the end to make the climax more impactful.
Smilinghelps’ “Dirty Laundry” – 18
Third paragraph: ‘more pretty’ – prettier
‘“I won’t do that,” Mommy hollered, I could hear the…” – Run-on after “Mommy hollered.” The same goes for “…startled again, Mommy never,” in the next sentence. And the sentence after that: “Mommy called, her voice was strange…”
OK should be capitalized
“Mommy sounds stressed out.” – tense issue; should be ‘sounded.’
Third paragraph from the end has a run-on problem as well. Should be separate sentences. Good simile – it stays in context with the child’s age.
T.V. should be capitalized
Ending comments – the best part of this story is that you stayed in with the child and shows in what ways she’s worried and in what ways she’s too young for the conversation.
Rainbeau’s “Origins” – 17
Ninth paragraph – “Last time that happen was to…” – unclear; it reads funny
“Ohhh” – not a word. One ‘h’ will do it.
“quantum computer” seems out of place. Would you refer to your computer on the fly as a Pentium computer?
Thirteenth paragraph – “…what happened and why”. – period goes on inside of quotations
Fourteenth paragarph – run-on, even in conversation. Needs to be broken up.
“hijack to” – awkward phrasing/misuse of synonym?
Ending comments: an original story. I got that it was Earth they were talking about towards the middle. After a second read, I noticed that the living organism the retrovirus might need could be the preservatives dropped. I’m not too sure how this story fits into the current challenge parameters; it would have fit better in the origins of humans challenge a few months ago. These people are persons other than humans, but the idea behind this challenge was to write about a fly on the wall and what is overheard. I don’t think vial 487b had grown ears at this point.
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