Thread: 02-07-07 | Scores

Sorry for the scores being a bit late, but here they are. I hope everyone enjoyed this LM; I certainly did.

Feyness: 16.5, 13,16, 19, 12 = 15.3
Shawn: 15, 13, 14, 14, 13 = 13.8
Krim: 15, 17, 12.5, 12, 12 = 13.7
rboy27: 14, 16, 18, 13, 12 = 14.6
RainBeau: 19, 17, 17.5, 7, 15 = 15.12
Garden of Kadesh: 18, 14, 16, 18, 13 = 15.8
btlcrwlr07: 13.5, 15, 15, 10, 14 = 13.5
cyberspecter: 18, 18, 19, 16, 16 = 17.4
Dephere:13, 14, 16, 12.5, 10 = 13.1
Small-town_Wright: 16, 13, 10, 12, 8 = 11.8
Eleonore: 17, 16, 15, 18, 14 = 16
eggo: 19, 18.5, 18, 14, 11 = 16.1
kanglives: 13, 12, 15, 11, 12 = 12.6
~Si~: 15, 13, 17, 10, 9 = 12.8

Congratulations to the top three:

cyberspecter: 17.4
eggo: 16.1
Eleonore: 16

Congratulations to those three, thank you to everyone who participated, and thank you to the judges.

Chris Miller’s Scores

Feyness: 305 Words – 16.5

ascertain = assertion

I found it a truly funny exaggerated parody, but lacking depth or purpose.


Shawn: 214 Words – 15

Again funny, got a definite smile out of me… but no sticking power. Similar to the previous but w/ fewer ideas integrated.


Krim: The Twisted Kiss of Treble Clefs – 15

As parody of a lecture, the vernacular is perhaps a little under-researched and the message a little confusing and inconclusive. The music industry allusions were nice but the theme of “music as a key to the brain’s secrets” was pretty muddled, forced me to reread. Nice title.


rboy27: New Order – 14

Hmm. Your platform’s crystal clear, though I think your research is flawed. I’d have written the narrative in the present tense. Dropping to the past for it was jarring somehow. The strategy didn’t quite make sense, seemed more like a contrived opportunity to get a bunch of guys to kiss. Euuuuuuu! But then I didn’t like Brokeback Mountain either. Because of the new rules, I am not allowed to score a zero here unless the writing itself is bad enough to warrant it, which it isn’t. So I give you a 0.000000000000000000000000000001. Just kidding.


RainBeau: Get er done – 19

I totally dug this one. Nice creative form. Good indirect thoughts and humor re the origin of a lot of the shit that comes out of politician’s mouths. Liked the “writerly” theme. Strong voice. Some good specifics too.


Garden of Kadesh: My fellow boxlandians – 18

“by an vicious”
by a vicious

A seriously funny little allegory I think. Well penned. Cute word-play. But I’m knocking off a few points for not addressing the concerns of myself and others like me, men and women who can tolerate neither briefs because of the chafing, nor boxers because of how they ride up when driving a motor vehicle, nor boxer-briefs because they provide the worst of both worlds, both chafing and riding, and so are forced to go commando—undiless and free. What about us? Where do we fit into your new world order? A grievous oversight in an otherwise clever and thoughtful work with some real-world parallels.


Btlcrwlr07: 584 – 13.5

“this town is better place”

Slightly over-descript opening and closing narrative. Like too many lazy adverbs like “quickly” and “slightly.”

Not sure if this was meant to be funny. But it came off pretty serious to me. Which is fine. Couldn’t really feel for the agenda though. Kind of cliché-ridden maybe.

Cyberspecter: NO MORE! – 18

Cute. Cleanly written. Opening seemed in the vernacular of a political speech, as in long on eloquence and emotion, and short on substance. I thought the specifics were funny. Got about half way through them before I twigged. The speaker should’ve taken a crap and maybe sniffed a couple butts by way of working the crowd (pack). I thought it was well-written and funny. Light. Its reach in no way exceeded its grasp.


Dephere: Fang Bang – 13

Even though I added a few points for supportive bias re your excellent suggestion and political theme, it wasn’t enough to salvage prose that stumbles drunkenly along on leaden feet and reads like the jingles this local car dealer recites on his radio spots that always make me wish someone who loved him would take him aside and tell him, “Please, please, please, no more poetry.”


Small-town Wright: A New Era – 16

“the health of our people depend on”
depends

Actually, I think it fits the criteria pretty well and even made me laugh out loud, especially your disclaimer at the end which I am considering as part of it. A budding militant feminist. Burn baby burn.


Elenore: GeneoNutri Powerbars – 17

I liked this one. Some Solyent Green themes. Eat your enemies. The future is the past. Not sure the cloning would work since you’d need protein to grow the clones and would probably enjoy negative return. (Like Matrx’s machines using humans as batteries struck me as kind of dumb too—like why not use eels or something?) Well written and imaginative.


eggo: Would you Believe? – 19

Not sure the narrative helps. Might work as well or better as a play. But that was still pretty funny. Never a dull moment, lots of “research.” I especially liked the aliens in area 51. That was hilarious. That clears up a lot of things for me. Thanks.


Kanglives: The War on Silent Letters – 13

Dads = Dad’s
over excited = over-excited
Sloppy punctuation.

Like the J. Springer thing but not really enough other ideas to carry the piece.


Si: Stem cell research, or research of stems in cells? – 15

Some clever word play. No depth or meaning though. A bit limited and cliché idea-wise. I liked the “issues/tissues” bit best. So strong opening, but sliding downhill from there to a wtf kind of ending.

Hawke’s Scores

Political Speeches
Max word count: 750
A Reminder: The following is my opinion and should be taken as such.
My thanks goes out to Jaime for running the challenge and all the authors who submitted.

305 Words
Feyness
13/20
Your men’s nipples topic was a hoot. Loved that the guy twisted the bible quote to suit the debate as well. Pretty darn cute overall, though it could have been formatted a little better with regard to the audience reaction, etc. Would have preferred you come closer to the word maximum, just to say. Lastly, methinks 305 words is not a title and so I had to deduct a point. Good job. Thanks.

214 Words
Shawn
13/20
Lacy bits topic was cute as well. Personally I agree to ban such things… but that’s beside the point. Would have preferred if you came closer to the word maximum, just to say. I take it 214 isn’t a word title and so must deduct. Good job. Thank you.

The Twisted Kiss of Treble Clefs
Krim17/20
I’m with the mice! I also notice you failed to mention rap. (Am I ever gonna be popular now, huh? [IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/Jaime/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/msohtml1/01/clip_image001.gif[/IMG]) Good job. Thank you.

New Order
Rboy27
16/20
What a thought. Then again, the government has already done countless things to sway us “commoners,” so why not this as well? *grin* Good job. Thank you.

Get er done
RainBeau
17/20
I laughed my ass off over this one. In fact, I’m still laughing. Good job, RainBeau. Very unique. Thank you.

My fellow boxlandians:
Garden of Kadesh
14/20
Cute knicker twist on the famous Martin Luther King quote. (Nit (only because I know Jaime will mention it and I want to beat her to it): “A woman I know, who lives…”) By the by and just to say, commando could have ended the war. Butt anyway… [IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/Jaime/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/msohtml1/01/clip_image001.gif[/IMG]Good job. Thank you.

584
Btlcrwlr07
15/20
That was neat. I felt for the poor old guy—something hard to pull off in so few words. 584 isn’t a title, unfortunately, and so a deduction. Good job. Thank you.

No More!
cyber specter
18/20
HAHAHA! That was great! I had no idea who or what was talking until the end. Super! Thank you.

Fang Bang
Dephere
14/20
Am I sensing a little hostility here? *grin* Nice stuff. I can almost picture the guy (you?) brown papering the box in his (your?) basement, alternating between whistling and laughing maniacally. *shivers* Good job. Thank you.

A New Era
Small-town Wright
13/20
Some people never learn, eh? Just to say, I would have liked to have seen more use of the higher word count. Good job. Thank you.

GeneoNutri Powerbars
Eleonore
16/20
My goodness, what a concept. Eating each other in the form of “protein bars” and more worried about profits than anything else. And why not, I suppose. Tastes like chicken. Okay, that’s enough. I’m starting to make myself ill. Good job. Thank you.

Would you Believe?"
eggo
18/20
I loved this. Excellent use of the max word count. Excellent topic/s. Funny as well. And the ending is so true. A super read, eggo. Kudos.

The War on Silent Letters
Kanglives
12/20
This was cute. Different. Kind of a predictable because of the Jerry Springer idea, just to say. Thank you.

Stem cell research, or research of stems in cells?
Si
13/20
That was definitely different. Vote for a nut or a murderer, nut or a murderer… Thank you.

SacredCircle’s Scores

Feyness -16

A unique idea that is definitely outlandish. While the last line did give me a chuckle, the more ridiculous lines about babies being thrown on stage were more effective.

Shawn- 14
I only caught one grammatical error. While a good starter piece, I think it is lacking a bit.

Krim- 12.5
I saw quite a few grammatical errors. The opening paragraph is very eloquent. I think this is very creative, however, there are a lot of gray areas.

Rboy27-18
This is fantastic. I was literally laughing out loud. The speech stayed consistent and was humorous throughout. Well done.

Rain Beau-17.5
I thought this was very original. The grammatical errors on GB’s end were fantastic.

Garden-16
I saw quite a few grammatical errors. Your tone stayed consistent and the ending of boxer briefs was great.

Btlcrwlr07- 15
I saw a few grammatical errors. Your tone was awesome but I didn’t really see the humor in it. It really was well written though.

CyberSpector- 19
This was great. I was surprised by who was talking; it was funny, made sense when reading it back through and no grammatical errors. Excellent!

Dephere-16
I think it was a great idea to do this in poem. I truly enjoyed reading it and thought it was very creative. The humor was not outstanding in this poem, however, very clever.

SmallTownWrite- 10
It was a creative idea that needed to be expounded upon. There didn’t seem to be any humor and it ended rather abruptly.

Elenore- 15
I thought this was an excellent piece. Though it was a very intriguing idea, it was not humorous.

Eggo - 18.5
I think this was a great idea. I really enjoyed reading it.

Kanglives-15
I really think this is an excellent idea. However the lack of punctuation really detracted from this piece.

Si-17
I loved this. The last paragraph is a little sketchy, but really it just adds to the ridiculousness of the piece.

Silverwriter’s Scores

Feyness
Untitled

This piece was a great read for starting out scoring. Unfortunately, I am doing scoring in the library, and I had a hard time not laughing out loud. This is cute and is exactly the absurd sort of speech I was looking for. My only nitpick is a technical one in that when you have audience actions – unless they are inserted in the middle of a sentence – don’t put them before the period. Also, standard scripts use brackets [ ] instead of parenthesis because parenthesis have a different function in writing. Very well done and highly enjoyable. Very well done.

Score: 19

*

Shawn
Untitled

While the “shut the hell up!” was amusing on one level, I was more looking for the absurdity in the topic of the speech, not the speech at all. The art of this kind of comedy, you could say, comes from being able to maintain a tone of absolute seriousness while everyone else is busting up because of the subject you’re talking about. I understand the humor, but it’s not personally my cup of tea and not quite what I was looking for with this. I would have liked to have seen this expanded. You closed just when I would have started getting into it. Fight for your right to ban lacy bits! Nice ending paragraph. I enjoyed “unabated, uncontested, and unlaced!”

Score: 14

*

Krim
The Twisted Kiss of Treble Clefs

Thank you for being the first person to use a title! While you have my interest because I’m a former band member, you sound like you’re writing a monotone (no pun intended) school paper without much interest in what you’re writing. It isn’t clear, to me, until the end exactly what you’re advocating or protesting, whereas in a speech, the audience is used to being told right away “why we’re here”. While there is potential for humor, I feel it’s mostly untapped.

Score: 12

*

rboy27
New Order

Gentleman = gentlemen. (Unless you only have one man in the crowd.) This is an interesting take and rather cute, but it doesn’t “do it” for me so much. Perhaps it’s too close to an actual political issue or perhaps the speech part of the piece just needed expansion. I’m not actually sure. Quite cute, though. I’d pay to see the House or Senate members start pairing off while on CSPAN.

Score: 13

*

RainBeau
Get ‘er Done

While I can see the humor in this piece and it is quote cute, it doesn’t follow with the prompt: “I want to hear your stand on any strange issue you can think of. Butter side up or butter side down? Apples or oranges? Alaska or Canada? Understand where I'm going with this one?” In a contest, this piece would be voided for not following the prompt.

Score: 7

*

Garden of Kadesh
Untitled

You made me smile with the very first sentence. A nitpick on the technical aspect: When you’re speaking of a person, he or she is a person who, not a person that. This is quite amusing. I would have liked to see what you would have done if the guys who go commando had been added into the mix. Some lunatic tribe to the north, perhaps? Very, very amusing.

Score: 18

*

btlcrwlr07
Untitled

My first suggestion, or rather, word of advice, is that paragraph breaks are your friend. This is a nice piece in itself, but it doesn’t quite fit the prompt. While it is a speech, and a nicely delivered one, it’s not about an absurd topic. This piece is nicely written, but doesn’t quite fit the prompt.

Score: 10

*

cyberspecter
No More!

I was wondering where you were going in the beginning of this. Very cute and quite amusing. Certainly an original perspective. I don’t have any nitpicks on this one. It made me smile.

Score: 16

*

Dephere
Fang Bag

Ah, poetry! I certainly didn’t expect this when I put up the prompt. One of my biggest pet peeves when it comes to poetry, though, is when every line begins with a capital letter. The rhyme is quite forced in some places, but it has a quick rhythm, which I like. On the other hand, it is a bit political for my tastes, given I requested some absurd issue, but the piece is nice in itself.

Score: 12.5

*

Small-town_Wright
A New Order

I’m not sure how much I like the idea of women only becoming more powerful after a nuclear war. I agree with you in it’s not quite the fit I was looking for, though someone getting assassinated for suggesting we all take vitamins is certainly absurd. Well written, but it didn’t do much for me.

Score: 12

*

Eleonore
GeneoNutri Powerbars

Interesting take! Very well written with a good draw in for the reader before the reveal. Very well done. I wasn’t expecting dark humor at all with this prompt, and you’ve done quite well with it. Clear writing with an absurd (though in a different sense of the word) issue.

Score: 18

*

Eggo

While highly amusing – a bus stop, huh? – it’s not really what I was looking for. The piece is sort of a speech on the absurdity of things people take seriously instead of about an absurd issue. I love what you’ve written, but considering the prompt, it’s like jeans that don’t fit quite right. There are also quite a few technical errors.

Score: 14

*

Kanglives
The War on Silent Letters

While I love the idea of a speech on the “issue” of silent letters, I was more or less indifferent to the piece. Instead of focusing on the surroundings, I would have liked to see you focus on the issue, which has an immense potential for humor.

Score: 11

*

~Si~
Stem Cell Research, or Research of Stems in Cells?

You had me in the beginning, but things didn’t hold on for much longer after that. I felt like you switched tactics in the middle from floating around in wordplay to finally settling on one issue. The wordplay with stem cells didn’t need to be introduced in that way.

Score: 10

TsuTseQ’s Scores

Feyness
Untitled

Heh. Silly, but not as amusing as it could have been.

Spelling and Grammar: 3/5
Tone and Voice: 3/5
Effect: 6/10

Shawn
Untitled

Lacy bits are itchy. I like the third last word. Somewhat weak and undeveloped.

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5
Tone and Voice: 3/5
Effect: 6/10

Krim
The Twisted Kiss of Treble Clef

This piece was... meh, and I'm a little tired of K-Fed jokes, but your title was AWESOME.

Spelling and Grammar: 3/5
Tone and Voice: 3/5
Effect: 6/10

rboy27
New Order

Hmm. While nothing would give me greater pleasure than to see an arch-raving neo-con engage in homosexual activity because of his unfalteringly mindless loyalty to his leader, this piece didn't do it for me.

Spelling and Grammar: 3/5
Tone and Voice: 3/5
Effect: 6/10

Rainbeau
Untitled

Erg! This is not a speech format, but dammit! I really enjoyed this. It was a fresh take on the prompt, and I chuckled all the way through. I love the idea of the prez writing “axed,” and referring to himself as “Brilliant Eagle.” Ok, so points off for the “not a speech” issue, but yays for you and your clever piece.

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5
Tone and Voice: 5/5
Effect: 6/10

Garden of Kadesh
Untitled

What's with the font? OK, the last paragraph somewhat redeemed the rest of the speech. You had great opportunities to play with words (the magnitude of his... character? Disappointing), but downplayed them in order to up the silliness of the ending. I think this could have been more.

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5
Tone and Voice: 3/5
Effect: 6/10

btlcrwlr07
Untitled

What the hell kind of username is that? This isn't really a strange issue per se, and the character you created was pretty stereotypical small town, hard working, simple man who'll stand for whatever everyone else seems to be against – stop watching Hollywood movies – but, he does get called a degenerate, so that kind of makes up for that. Would his twitches really underline his gait, or vice versa? Anyhoo, you did create atmosphere in this. Why is the font small in the last paragraph?

Spelling and Grammar: 3/5
Tone and Voice: 4/5
Effect: 7/10

cyberspecter
No More!

Hehehe, barking laughter. Ok, that was cute, and in spite of the foreshadowing, I didn't actually see that coming. A very rousing speech indeed. Poor pooches and their clothes and evil cats.

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5
Tone and Voice: 4/5
Effect: 8/10

Dephere
Fang Bang

Meh. Weak rhymes and not a speech with an absurd topic. Sorry Deph. And it's “lets”, not “let's.”

Spelling and Grammar: 3/5
Tone and Voice: 3/5
Effect: 4/10

Small-town Wright
A new Era

This was unfocused and, you're right, it didn't quite fit the criteria. Hmm, another on with wonky font sizes.

Spelling and Grammar: 2/5
Tone and Voice: 2/5
Effect: 4/10

Elonore
Untitled

SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE! Very well written, but not really absurd, or particularly original.

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5
Tone and Voice: 4/5
Effect: 6/10

Eggo
Would You Believe?

Amusing, but not up to what I expect from you, and there were a number of errors in it: either typos, or they were edited in. It was also a little stilted at points, mostly from the errors. Disappointing.

Spelling and Grammar: 2/5
Tone and Voice: 3/5
Effect: 6/10

kanglives
The War on Silent Letters

Hmm, not a speech. I think the subject is great, and the Jerry Springer angle is definitely a great twist, but this was lacking a little. It's a little disjointed.

Spelling and Grammar: 2/5
Tone and Voice: 3/5
Effect: 7/10

(I can't find the tilde on my fecking computer)Si(still can't find it)
Stem Cell Research, Or Reasearch of Stems in Cells?

You had me until the soap dropping joke. Am I the only one who finds that joke stale? Anyhoo, endings can make or break a piece, and this ending just degenerated for me, from that point on.

Spelling and Grammar: 3/5
Tone and Voice: 2/5
Effect: 4/10

Congrats, guys.

Too bad people didn't like it all that much. I would've thought you'd have been lenient on the grammar as it was a piece intended to be read aloud by someone (not necessarily, say, published in some magazine or something) and people do tend to have a few errors in their speeches. Still, I should've spent more time on it. Glad to see you guys liked the title, though.

Better yet... I DISAGREE WITH THE JUDGES COMPLETELY. Just for the hell of it.

All stand for the honorary judges - thank you.

I really enjoyed doing this and will certainly participate again. Thank you, judges, for taking valuable time away from your own works to read and critique for us.
I read all these posts and they were all good reads. I count myself lucky to be in such excellent company and can't wait to see what's next.

Sincerely,

Paul

Thanks judges!

Sometimes I enjoy these things and sometimes I just participate to stretch my writing skills a little. This one was a lot of fun. The part about the WMD is true, believe it or not. After the that I let my muse take over and headed off in any given direction.

I didn't think mine went too far afield, but hey i'm bais.

Thank you all for making the commitment and taking the time to read.

I'm glad the most of you enjoyed it almost as much as I did.

lol....I did WAAAYYYY better than I thought I would with those scores...

I loved Chris Miller's review...hehe. And just so everyone knows, this is indeed why I do not foray into poetry. But it's always fun to put something together.

Thanks guys....

Originally Posted by sliverwriter

Congratulations to the top three:

cyberspecter: 17.4
eggo: 16.1
Eleonore: 16

Here, here and huzzahs x 3!

___________________________

A few days after posting my OP (off-prompt) vignette, a long black sedan pulled up in my driveway. I was unaware that human beings could be so large!
Anyway, long story-short...I'm typing one handed for a while, ouch.

Thanks to everyone who parcipatated, especially the judges for volunteering their time and worthy comments. Thanks to my fellow "also-rans". Thanks to the weiners, er ah, winners for taking it easy on the rest of us.


Yeah, parcipatated.
I also perfer the "Popeye" version of other words such as "aminals".

I'm wearing a huge smile across my face. Thank you, judges, for having taken the time to read and score my piece! This is very encouraging! Thank you!
Congrats to everybody for submitting!