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Okay, here we have the results of the last LM challenge.
A big thanks to our judges Kyle Colorado, bazz cargo, Hawke, and Jon M. Great job, guys.
And of course, to all who entered, thank you for entering, and good work
Now, to the mathsy bit:
(Please let me know if I’ve made any miscalculations)
Choices by Terry D – 16.5 + 17 + 17 + 18 = Average of 17.125
The Jailer on Death Row by LaughinJim – 16.5 + 16 + 16 + 18 = Average of 16.625
Mindslip by ForceFlow – 14.5 + 15 + 16+ 16 = Average of 15.375
The Abyss by Gamer2k4 –15 + 16 + 17 + 17.5 = Average of 16.375
Going Gentle into that Good Night by garza – 15.5 + 17 + 18 + 19 = Average of 17.375
Adam by Rubisco – 16.5 + 17 + 15 + 16 = Average of 16.125
Untitled by Candid Petunia – 17 + 19 + 17 + 17 = Average of 17.5
Time to Redecorate by Rusty Nail – 15.5 + 17 + 17 + 16 = Average of 16.375
And now, our winners. So please help me in congratulating:
Candid Petunia for her first place untitled story.
Garza for Going Gentle into that Good Night which takes second place.
And Terry D for Choices, which wins third place this round.
Good work, everyone.
Now here are the judges’ comments:
Kyle Colorado’s Scores
Choices by TerryD
SPaG: 3.5 - Predominantly correct. Minor errors.
The truth in the eyes he was starring into now was ugly.. soon enough the toe tags reading, John and Jane Doe
Tone and Voice: 4 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Creative Interpretation of Theme: 5 – Perfectly fitting or unique execution of theme.
Emotional Effect: 4 - Strong, interesting emotional effect.
Total: 16.5
This was a solid execution of a shock ending. You play well on manipulating the reader’s interest to propel the story along. The paragraph about the location of the bodies and the implacable grinding machine of the search for truth was outstanding. However, Walker felt a bit stereotypical and one dimensional to me. There was no hint of a backstory for him, no reason for his killing spree other than the one you offered in his monologue, about wanting to hurt others because he’d been hurt enough himself.. A reason I wasn’t satisfied with as a reader. It’s hard with the limited word count, I know.. Much of the space needed to build Walker into a full character was taken by the necessary information and suspense-building that your premise required. In the end I felt the story lacked what I believe makes shock endings successful: the reader has to root for the character, usually accomplished through empathy as a result of undeserved misfortune and showing the character struggling admirably to cope. That way when the twist is revealed it becomes a one-two upheaval of not just the reader’s cognitive expectations, but the reader’s emotional investment as well. I wasn’t rooting for Walker, his character felt more like a prop for the ending, rather than a character itself. As a result, this was both a hit and a miss for me. Definitely strong writing, but not as satisfying as I was hoping for. But I did enjoy reading it. Cheers!
The Jailer on Death Row by LaughinJim
SPaG: 3.5 - Predominantly correct. Minor errors.
but the one that the jailor Sam, bought with his own money.. He drifted into a reverie… (tense inconsistency)
Tone and Voice: 4.5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Creative Interpretation of Theme: 4.5 – Strong, unique execution of theme.
Emotional Effect: 4 - Strong, interesting emotional effect.
Total: 16.5
This is an intriguing glimpse into the almost caricature-like professional life of Sam as a prison executioner. Good characterization with the meticulousness with which Sam operates, the mention of his memoir aspirations, and his theological foundations and mythological dreams.
Skillful writing, though for me as a reader it lacked any deeper resonance or meaning. I did appreciate the use of realism, such as the mention of the mournful wail of Black Mariah to refer to the approaching police siren.
The fantasy scenario (as I interpreted it to be) of Sam having the morbid pleasure of executing Hitler (though I could be wrong, as I have been led to believe Hitler had blue eyes, not green) is an interesting one, though it seems to be there only to fulfill vicarious desires. For that reason the emotional effect wasn’t as high as it could have been. Still, well crafted. Cheers!
Mind Slip by Forceflow
SPaG: 4 – Grammatically flawless writing
Tone and Voice: 3.5 – Effective tone and voice
Creative Interpretation of Theme: 4 – Strong, interesting creative interpretation of theme
Emotional Effect: 3 – Effective but inconsistent emotional effect
Total: 14.5
Scene: A female telepath and spell-caster in a closed room with a young male Enforcer (who can move faster than can be seen). It’s snowing outside. She can look into someone’s mind and bring to surface their haunts and fears. The enforcer roughs her up and then offers friendship, as they are, after all, part of a team. The concept is intriguing, but the narrative voice is so innocuous and sterile that it, at least for me, detracted from the potential, leaving the weight of the story on the shoulders of the dialogue. To pull this off the dialogue has to be fascinating. The “pope in the pool” technique should also apply, which is a screenwriting term to mean that when relying on dialogue in a scene, there should be something interesting happening in the physical environment simultaneously to avoid stasis. For me the story stumbled a bit on both of these counts: the dialogue was interesting but also a bit too veiled and confusing (suspense is good, but only if it leads to solid and satisfying revelations, otherwise it hints that the author may perhaps not have a clear idea of where he or she is going with everything) and the characters talking in a closed room is quite the definition of physical stasis, the opposite of what this scene warranted. Putting these two characters outside the room, in the snowy woods, would have improved this scene in my opinion (instead of her being elbowed in the stomach into the wall of the cabin, having her back slamming into a tree would be better, etc..) I like the ideas here, they would do well with a longer piece, and your use of dialogue is strong, but again, more suited to longer writing. All this leads me to believe that you’re more experienced with short stories or possibly novels than you are with Flash Fiction. Regardless, I loved your last line. She looked away. “So I am told.” Brilliant! Thanks for entering, I enjoyed reading. Cheers!
The Abyss by Gamer2k4
SPaG: 4 – Grammatically flawless writing
Tone and Voice: 3.5 – Effective tone and voice
Creative Interpretation of Theme: 4 – Strong, interesting creative interpretation of theme
Emotional Effect: 3.5 - Interesting emotional effect.
Total: 15
An interesting conversation between two characters ruminating on what happens after death, weighing the many viewpoints on the subject. I would have appreciated a secondary element, a simultaneous “B Story” taking place while the conversation unfolded, one that paralleled one of the several concepts contained within the discussion (such as the protagonist remembering something from the past, which is revealed in pieces as the conversation progresses, or alternatively, something happening in the present that reflects the concept of death and beyond metaphorically in some way). Henry also lacked characterization. He served more of a purpose as a disembodied voice to present the thematic argument, rather than being a fully-fleshed character as I would have preferred. And you went a little heavy on the past perfect tense in the first paragraph with all the “had”s (correct usage, though it could have been simplified). However, I like the final message. Treasure it, indeed! Thanks for the read. Cheers!
Going Gentle into that Good Night by Garza
SPaG: 4 – Grammatically flawless writing
Tone and Voice: 3.5 – Effective tone and voice.
Creative Interpretation of Theme: 4 – Strong, interesting creative interpretation of theme.
Emotional Effect: 4 - Strong, interesting emotional effect.
Total: 15.5
A charming conversation about death between a man on his deathbed and his priest friend. What I appreciated in this was the characterization given to both characters, with the priests continual attempts to politely nudge John towards God, and John’s recognition of Patrick’s origins (seeing him as a person and not just a priest). The nothingness that John perceives as preceding and following his life is one that he acceptingly slides into, leaving Patrick behind to end their conversation with a respectful formality. Your conversation is interesting and full of subtle character quirks, and so it manages to avoid the necessity of a “pope in the pool” moment (where dialogue is interspersed with something else occurring simultaneously to distract the reader, the highest level of this technique is when that something serves as a metaphorical analogy for the conversation itself). It does, however, leave a lacking in the realm of narrative strength, as there is very little narration at all to begin with. It’s something I would have preferred to see a little more of, if even just a glimpse. Though overall I enjoyed this very much. Cheers!
The Spirit of Wells by Bazz Cargo
Judge Entry – No score
I love the paragraph describing the hedge trimmer. Everything about it is exceptional.
Perhaps it’s my notice of your quirky sense of humor, or that I myself am more gutter-minded than I realize, but I thought you were hinting at something raunchy here with the Lady desiring to have her bush neatly trimmed, and there being a crack in the back side. .. *slaps forehead* If that wasn’t your intention then I profusely apologize for putting the image in your head about your story’s analogous meaning. Hah! Good luck getting rid of it now!
I wonder what the glowing eyes belong to? I like that the brothers found similar callings. Fun story to read. Cheers!
Adam by Rubisco
SPaG: 3.5 - Predominantly correct. Minor errors.
make the emptiness to go away… I also knew that I was showing fear in my eyes as well, it was a feeling I had never known before… (Should be a period)
Tone and Voice: 4 - Effective, interesting use of a particular tone.
Creative Interpretation of Theme: 5 – Perfectly fitting or unique execution of theme.
Emotional Effect: 4 - Strong, interesting emotional effect.
Total: 16.5
I like the unique viewpoint of Adam after eating the forbidden fruit from the tree of Knowledge. Here we have the moment he becomes self-aware, and his panic at the looming repercussions of his act. The weight of this one tiny choice is made clear, most especially with his reasoning that he had now introduced death into the world. Quite a price to pay. I would have appreciated a new slant, some new perspective or alternate events than those of the biblical story, but nonetheless the application of the theme as an internal abyss where a connection with God should be is a creative achievement in itself. I enjoyed reading. Cheers!
Untitled by candid petunia
SPaG: 4 – Gramatically flawless writing
Tone and Voice: 5 – Perfectly fitting tone and voice.
Creative Interpretation of Theme: 3 – Effective but inconsistent execution of theme.
Emotional Effect: 5 – Perfectly fitting or unique emotional effect
Total: 17
This was light and playful, and I enjoyed the way you tied it all together at the end. I docked you a few points for theme, as the theme itself did not encompass the story of Adam, it only played a minor cameo role. However, you made high marks in everything else. Enjoyable throughout, I would have preferred if you flexed more of your creative muscles and didn’t use already established characters from other authors, and relied instead on Adam’s own take on character archetypes (a wizard instead of Harry Potter, unnamed jungle man instead of Tarzan, a masked crime fighter instead of Batman… like in my favorite comic Calvin and Hobbes, Calvin invents his own superhero identities with Stupendous Man and Spaceman Spiff), but your execution of it was so well done that I didn’t hold it against you. I enjoyed reading this and was pleased to see how you tied it all together. I’m glad Hawke poked you in the tummy to encourage you to enter. Cheers!
Time to Redecorate by Rusty Nail
SPaG: 4 – Grammatically flawless writing
Tone and Voice: 4.5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Creative Interpretation of Theme: 3 – Effective but inconsistent execution of theme.
Emotional Effect: 4 - Strong, interesting emotional effect.
Total: 15.5
I like the unique reveal offered by dual perspectives. The prompted theme was only handled as a minor aside, and not an overall arching element, so I was forced to lower your score because of that. However, the plot itself was creatively maneuvered, so it elevated your style points. I would have liked some deeper resonance, and at this line I at first thought I had found it: Single-malt is really meant for sipping and savouring, not for tossing back in one gulp. It’s potent stuff. However, as I read further, I realized this was not a thematic metaphor for relationships or infidelity (or whatever), but simply a plot device to keep the man on the couch asleep. Keep an eye out for moments where you can include such meaningful devices. They can elevate your writing further. Overall I enjoyed this. Clever, sadistic stuff! Cheers!
Bazz Cargo’s Scores
Ida Sees The Moon By KyleColorado.
4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect | 10-10 points. Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total 0 Judges score.
This is simply beautiful. I was engaged by the characters, the situation and the little snippet of story. I want to know more. I want the chemo to work, I want there to be a love story. I want a happy, soppy ending. Very rarely does something bullet its way into me like this.
Loved it.
* * *
The Jailer On Death Row By LaughinJim
4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect | 8-10 points. Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total 16/20
This was an ambitious piece that included Greek mythology, Potter's Field, a possible reference to the second world war and a planetary musing. In 650 words it would be tight, in less than 500 it's going to be tough. For the most part you pulled it off.
The lead voice is strong. The story was easy to follow. The scene was clear.
It did feel a little hammered together. Possibly you could have used some of the word space you had left to smooth out some of the transitions.
I don't know if this is a minor spello, or if you are being clever with a sailor/Jailor riff.
he hears the mournful wail of the Black Mariah drawing near. What devilish dish have they cooked up for me today?
I tend towards putting thoughts or internal dialogue in italics. And Maria doesn't have an H.
It was a pleasure to read this. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
* * *
Choices by Terry D
4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect | 9-10 points. Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total 17/20
WOW! Never saw that coming. Clever how you mixed hints of CSI into the story. I was impressed by the way you laid out everything without giving the game away. Even without the trick it still has strength and depth. Clear scene, easy to follow, strong character.
Strip of weed covered.
he was staring into
A cracking read.
* * *
Mind Slip by Forceflow.
4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect | 7-10 points. Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total 15/20
The first two paragraphs are rather clunky, then everything settles down. The scene is easy to follow, the conceit intriguing, the end well executed. Strong characterization, nicely written dialogue, not too sure about the scene, the reaction of the battered woman didn't make sense and she seems to cope with the damage and pain a bit too easily.
Given more words you could make this into something special.
A good read.
* * *
Going Gentle Into That Good Night By Garza.
4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect | 9-10 points. Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total 17/20
You set yourself a hard task. Nearly all dialogue. I found it easier to read if I put on an Irish accent. I've used the death bed scene myself, you do it better. Personal philosophy verses religious cant. An old pathway given a makeover.
Neat touch to include some Gaelic. It may have paid to put some right at the beginning to give the reader an early hint on the brogue.
Part of my problem is, I'm a citizen of the UK. So when I read stuff I expect “speech marks”
'Quotation marks' and the inner dialogue in italics. I gather the rules are different for each country.
Even so I would have put the *Goodbye and blessings on you. In italics.
Despite my UK habits I found it easy to follow and once the accent was in place very engaging.
Very neat, thought provoking but not all that emotional. Suited the sadness without drowning it with tears.
I loved it.
* * *
The Abyss by Gamer 2k4
4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect | 8-10 points. Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total 16/20
A snippet of a conversation with someone who is patently bonkers. Very neat, very tight. Nothing to tell me where the conversation is taking place. No idea how long you have been friends. Or how good a friend you are. Makes me wonder if you let Henry drift away from your friendship, or did you try and help him?
A nice try at dodging the religious overtones the prompt has. Strong word usage gave this an intellectual feel. The strength of this makes me interested in reading more.
I liked this a lot.
* * *
Untitled by Candid petunia.
5/5 - Competent manipulation of sentence structure, creative use of punctuation and effective paragraph composition.
5/5 - Perfectly fitting or unique style and technique.
Effect | 9-10 points. Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total 19/20
You got me good on this one. I was enjoying the weirdness and then, bam! I just had to go back and reread it with a different perspective, it still worked!
I wish to thank Hawke for encouraging you, otherwise I would have missed this.
Thanks for a brilliant read.
* * *
Adam by Rubisco.
4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect | 9-10 points. Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total 17/20
Strong and bold. A striking picture that will follow me around for days. An age old story given a nice polish. Easy to read, well presented.
There are a few clunky lines, for example
make the emptiness to go away.
I also knew that I was showing fear in my eyes as well
A good contender, worthy of respect.
I enjoyed the read.
* * *
Time To Redecorate by Rusty Nail
4/5 - Grammatically flawless writing.
4/5 - Strong, interesting use of a particular tone.
Effect | 9-10 points. Originality, conceptual interest, effectiveness of imagery, emotional evocativeness and, of course, creative interpretation of the theme.
Total 17/20
So I'm in this murderous scheme, eh? A challenging point of view well executed. I did suffer from the change of POV, it led me awry for a moment.
She came down a few minutes later, dragging her high heels and shrugging on her coat as she slunk shame-facedly through the door
Great description, although shamefacedly comes up as a proper word.
Not sure about bollocksed, it doesn't seem to exist, but I like it.
Very nice example of the revenge/crime genre.
I loved it.
* * *
Hawke’s Scores
Choices - Terry D - 17
Nits: A few missing commas; a couple of instances of commas where there should be emdashes; a semicolon where there should be a colon. Quibbles, really.
I enjoyed this. I figured it out with the first non-answer—hoped, really—and was not disappointed. Nice. Nice work, as well.
Ida Sees The Moon - Kyle Colorado – Judge Entry (No score)
I enjoyed this as well. Strange how the mind works though, eh?--as in I couldn’t stop wondering why it took Ida so long (twelve) to see the moon. Surely she hasn’t had Cancer for her entire short life, has she? Okay, okay, so I’ll try to let the questions go, mainly because I must have missed something and because it was a very good, very warm read. Thank you.
The Jailer on Death Row - LaughinJim - 16
Nits: Perhaps split the Fates by semicolons instead of commas, for easier reading. A few comma, semicolon, emdash and colon quibbles.
Now that was unique. I’m guessing this Sam character is the ultimate Jailer (souls), though if so, I’d not sure I’d call him merely a jailer. Unless we’re all in jail, that is.
Mind Slip - Force flow - 16
Nits: First paragraph needs restructuring - you could remove a lot of words by editing out the repetitions; “As had been pointed out (to her?) earlier…”; not a great fan of the f-bomb in a LM just to say, but that won’t be reflected in the score.
I have the feeling that this was part of a much larger work, reworked for this competition. No harm if it is, just that part of it was a tad confusing, such as: I think the fight was in his mind (wasn’t it?). If it was, then perhaps you could have made that clearer by having him rush over to her. Or have her face uninjured. Or have a clearer break from his mind. Just suggestions. Cool read.
The Abyss - Gamer_2k4 - 17
Nits: needs look = need look
You’ve been reading the Debate forum again, haven’t you? (Just teasing.) I would prefer more flesh on it—background, a coffee cup… something— but that’s how it goes given the word count. Even so, it was quite good. Sometimes all we have are our experiences—right or wrong, remembered correctly or not.
Going Gentle into that Good Night - garza - 18
Nits: ‘If you’ll hold me that water glass with the crooked straw for me I’ll explain = If you’ll hold that water glass with the crooked straw for me, I’ll explain ; a few missing commas
This felt real and too close to home for me, yet. Really good though. This was another that would have benefited with more flesh, but was a bit skinny because of the word count. A touching work. Thank you for the read.
The Spirit of Wells - bazz cargo – Judge Entry (No score)
Nits: The third paragraph needs to be reworked; an era gone by = a bygone era; not sure how the “Very short and very round” list relates to what precedes the colon; Stan shook it, in his line of work… = Stan shook it. In his line of work… ; a few sentence structure and comma quibbles.
‘Coming face to face with the audience‘ work? Kinda neat, that. I have to admit that I did get a little turned around at times and wondered if maybe using the unused hundred words would have straightened some of that out. Neat stuff. Pretty simple though. I’d really like to see you go wild with it next time.
Adam - rubisco - 15
Nits: I glanced over at Eve, she was… = I glanced over at Eve. She was… ; comma usage quibbles; paragraph break quibbles; watch your sentence structure (reading your work out loud will tell you how it will read to others).
I liked your take on an old and well used idea. There was nothing new though—no ‘ah-ha’ or ‘wow’ moments to make it truly memorable and all your own. In other words it was a safe idea, which was okay but would rarely stand out. I think you’re capable of more.
Candid Petunia - Untitled - 17
Nits: Candid, dear, where is the title?
I’m so glad I challenged you! Geez, this was too cute. Not sure if the abyss gazed back though, but I was grinning far too much to worry about it. Super entertaining and a lot of fun. Nice work.
Time To Redecorate - Rusty Nail - 17
Very cool. I liked this… though not in a “I’m taking notes in case I need it someday”—liked. Meh, you know what I mean. Sure it’s been done before, and of course I would’ve liked a little more background and all that. Still, you did well with the word count.
Jon M’s Scores
CHOICES by Terry D – 18/20
This was a very smooth read. I liked how the back story was seamlessly included, and many of the images that Walker could see, in his mind, were very vivid. It’s a good portrait of a man coming unhinged. Walker seems to have an abnormal obsession with the truth, which makes the end feel more credible. You tell us a lot about Walker in a limited space, and it never felt forced. However, I think the man Walker was talking to needed to be shown a little more. He doesn’t do anything but exist, like a mere plot device for Walker, and I think even just a couple of images, him grinning or something, would have made this feel a little less one-sided. And the ‘plastic shower curtain’ at the end came as a surprise, because up to that point it seemed like this story took place in an interrogation room, i.e., ‘even the lights in the room demanded truth; bright, direct, and cold’. I think if the setting is different from the typical, expected setting, that should be clarified at the beginning. And it would have functioned as a hook, really, because the setting would have been unusual, and we’d want to know why.
IDA SEES THE MOON by KyleColorado (Judge’s entry – no score)
I thought this was such a focused and well-done piece of flash fiction. The writing itself feels very full to me – very textured – and I think that is partly because there’s a lot of great word choices here. Strong verbs – perched, floating, clambered, etc. – that make the writing very energetic, fresh. Particularly enjoyed ‘chirp of static’.
But I think my favorite part is when the grey spots are mentioned, how at first the lack of gray seems like a bad thing (only black and white), then moving on to the gray spots on the X-ray films (?), how Robby didn’t believe in gray spots, and that’s why she liked him! Didn’t see it coming. Just a lovely piece of writing there.
Enjoyed this very much.
THE JAILER ON DEATH ROW by LaughinJim – 18/20
I enjoyed all of the details in this story, and I didn’t know that Black Mariah was slang for a police van. Lots of interesting things going on here, and like I said, the details make this a great story. But there is a contradiction in the story that I felt was not properly addressed: Sam believes that ‘even the lowest of the low deserves a proper burial’, and following that, he believes that ‘no defilement is too horrible’ for the man with the small mustache, and I wanted to know why. This feels like a very important point in the story, because of the apparent contradiction in Sam’s belief, and yet it comes across as an incidental detail. Also, I found the last line puzzling, but I sense that it is important: I interpret his reverie of Pluto’s ‘eccentric orbit’ as a commentary on the way Sam views himself – something of an outsider. Hard to say, though, because the line seems kind of random and not fitting well with the rest of the story. But the details – the book and the shroud, etc – are truly what made this an enjoyable read.
MINDSLIP by Forceflow – 16/20
Pretty solid writing. The part of the story where he hits her I thought was done well – it’s not a labored description of everything that happens, as if in slo-mo, but more how I imagine it really goes – only conscious of a few painful moments, and then suddenly she’s on the floor. Some things I felt were typical, almost cliché, such as when she goes to leave and at the very last moment he finally speaks. That sort of thing seems to happen in movies a lot. But the biggest problem I saw with this occurred in the second paragraph. His back is to hear, but we are told she studies him, and what follows is a list of his attributes that cannot, at this moment in the story, be seen by the girl. So this information about the male character seemed to come not from the girl, but from the author, who wanted us to know how cool this guy looked. I suggest avoiding this kind of ‘laundry-list’ of character attributes in the future, mostly because it always seems out of place and info-dumpy. And, ‘Average height and average build.’ Is such a dead, empty phrase anyway – average according to what standard? But like I said it’s a smooth, enjoyable read, and some of the moments, like the fight, you handled with a deftness that I really appreciated.
THE ABYSS by Gamer_2k4 – 17.5/20
The ending has a nice resonance which I enjoyed. Overall it’s well written. The dialogue sounds a couple centuries old, which I assume was your intention. It reads easily and sounds authentic. The issue I have with it, however, is that it seems a little preachy. There are quite a few instances where the characters seem like mere mouthpieces for the author, personified to represent opposite sides of an argument. I suppose that is the difficulty inherent in this kind of story.
I did not get a strong impression of either of these characters, what their histories are, or even what they are doing in this scene, and I think that absence weakens the story and makes it difficult to know or care about these men.
GOING GENTLE INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT by Garza – 19/20
I thought this story was really great. It is clean and very easy to read, and your prose style is simple (not to be confused with simplistic), which I admire. Like Gamer’s entry, you do a great job telling a story through dialogue. The story also felt rooted in the real world. I enjoyed the mention of Dublin and his ‘Gaeltacht home’, and also the inclusion of a foreign language – it helped this story feel real, that there was a history behind all of this dialogue.
The danger in this kind of story – two people ruminating on life and death, or some other big theme – is that the story can feel preachy at times. I think you mostly avoid that, and this line: 'If you'll hold me that water glass with the crooked straw for me I'll explain.’ I thought was really great because for a moment it brought this conversation back down to Earth, to mundane things, and it also made the story feel very real.
Great bit of writing.
THE SPIRIT OF WELLS by Bazz Cargo (judge’s entry—no score)
Such a tease – ending with a cliffhanger. Boo!
Some really funny moments in this. I enjoyed reading it. I’ve not read much of your writings here, but just from this I can tell you’re pretty skilled at sketching out characters. Reg’s description was great, very vivid and unique, and I particularly enjoyed the Saharan desert bit.
ADAM by Rubisco – 16/20
I liked this scenario, and it is written well, but it doesn’t add anything new. I think if you’re going to take on a tale as well known like this, you have to make it different in some way or else there’s no point. Also I think involving the serpent as a character would have improved this tale, made it more interesting. We already know Adam and Eve eat the fruit, what we don’t necessarily know are the moments leading up to that decision. How did the conversation / argument go? All of that could have been dramatized, and that conflict – the serpent urging them on, Adam hesitating – could have made this tale more interesting. Also, lines like “As we walked out of the garden, the world looked different. I felt different.” are not successful in evoking the strange, new world confronting them. I read this line and immediately asked, “How? How is it different?” Even just a brief image would have sufficed. Also, I don’t like the ending, it reads as an obvious statement of the theme, and Adam’s sudden positive attitude seems, to me, at odds with his earlier apprehension and doubt. And his turnaround happens so quickly – not a lot of time has passed since he tasted the forbidden fruit, and so it seems unlikely (and unbelievable) he would exit Eden feeling chipper about anything, even the future.
But overall this is a good piece of writing, even with the issues mentioned, and I did enjoy reading it.
UNTITLED by Candid Petunia – 17/20
This one made me smile. I was wondering where the story was headed at first, and then it’s all cleared up – young Adam (West?) is just playing pretend. I like your prose style – it kind of bounces along on a pleasant rhythm. I loved seeing Batman relegated to finding some girl’s toy doll. Very fun. And Captain Planet misplacing the banana peel. What a hypocrite!
Good story. I had a lot of fun reading it.
TIME TO REDECORATE by Rusty Nail – 16/20
So there’s some backstabbing going on in this story, the narrator with her plan and then later being set up, but that doesn’t seem to have much importance in the story, it’s more of an ancillary detail, so I wonder if the story is not as focused as it could be. Also, I didn’t get a feel for these characters as much as I would have liked because their history together, and perhaps of their past skirmishes, is not mentioned very often – only a few times (the nanny). So the story is very much in the present, and is very linear, and I got a sense of the ending early on. So I think the major thing to work on in the future is to include at least a sketch of your characters history. I think it will help make your stories feel more textured and real.
Also, I noticed a few cliché phrases. These are not huge problems, but each one tends to drain a little of the life and originality from your work. They are: “The look on your face was priceless.”; “You were caught in the act”; “Good riddance”. All of these are familiar, popular expressions, and because they are so common they are not really interesting and certainly do not represent an original use of language. So be on the lookout for these.
I thought the Scotch details were interesting – on the proper way to drink one. Interesting stuff there. And this line: “I doubt if any of it touched his tongue.” seemed to have a lot of layered and wonderful meanings.
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(and oh yeah, the title...)
Originally Posted by candid petunia
, thanks!
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