Prinkes
The Caretaker
Interesting, I really didn't expect a story like this. I enjoyed the child-like way it was told; it sounded like a hit and run advert at first, but overall, itwas eerie and reasonably effective.
I sort of enjoyed the story, too, which surprised me. I've read a bunch of stories from the perspective of a child and I think you did it more convincingly than most of them, so I commend the effort. Other than that, I'm not so sure.
Beneath the pure, innocent narration, the story isn't that creative in my opinion. I think the
way it's written is what's intriguing here, but I would've liked more about what was going on with the adults and the drugs. I doubt it was your intention to get caught up in that side of the story, I just wanted to explore it a little deeper.
I think the way you chose to narrate it restricted how far you could go. I mean, it's written like a child, so there's not much room for you to do anything adventurous, and it showed, to a point. There are some interesting things going on, they just need refining.
Your grammar's good. There are a few incomplete words: “ok” instead of “okay” or “OK”;
“her” instead of “their” on one occasion, and most of the story is in one big block of text which, made it unappealing. Other than those gripes, it was pretty sound.
In short: it needs work.
14/20
Nick
The Caretakers
Loved the idea here, it was a cool take on the prompt. I think “the caretakers” would feel right at home in an Orwellian dystopia.
So while I enjoyed it, I was confused at times. Your descriptions – whilst very good overall – didn't work for me in some parts.
“
. . . her lips drowned in red plastic.” – This left me slightly puzzled, is she actually a robot or did she just seem like one, hence the odd description? I like the line, I'm just too stupid to understand what
red plastic refers to here.
“
I really didn’t want to be in an old, busted car I found in the field just off Casey’s Point.” – That comes off as inelegant to me. “Just off Casey's Point” is a bit too specific. I don't care where the field he found the car in is, it's irrelevant to the reader. A small issue, really, but I wanted to be thorough.
“
Quicker than a rat trying to bite the handkerchief from your pocket” – I had to read that a few times, is this something rats do often? Again, 'tis most probably down to me, but I don't understand that line. Sorry, I'm thick.
Other than that, it's all good; although, you describe Miss Rethbourne's smile too often for my liking. I ended up imagining her as a mannequin with lippy on the whole time, but maybe that's a good thing.
More importantly, I felt for your main guy. He seemed like a child thrust into the real world way too soon, and I sympathised immediately. I'd love to have known more about him had the word count been higher, but you did a fine job with the cap that was given.
As for that woman . . . I wanted to punch her in the face every time she opened her gob, so I admire your ability to create a completely unsympathetic witch in so few words.
It could do with being longer, I think, to give everything more clarity. You couldn't help that of course, I'm just saying I'll like reading this again if you decide to do something more with it. The little mock advert at the end was a nice touch.
Your punctuation was almost spotless: some commas should have been full stops and I noticed an “it's” that should have been “its”. The rest was tip-top.
Thanks for the read. I guess you're not just an excellent poet.
17/20
Flapjack
Horace the Caretaker
This one starts off well. Some lovely lines and images in there, so it certainly isn't lacking in artistry; however, as well as having a few niggles, I think it tapers off towards the end.
The dialogue in general was a bit off, in my opinion. I never really got the impression that people were behind the words, it felt scripted and oddly clinical.
Example:
"Do you truly not trust me. I trust you Horace. If you can't rely on me to be faithful now, what of our future?”
It might just be me, but that doesn't sound like realistic speech – a problem I faced throughout. It think it comes down to personal preference here, so I won't dwell on the matter any longer.
“
That voice had seemed unreal, tangled as they were in their blankets.” – Loved that.
As I said, it started off well. I really felt like I was getting to know the caretaker. Your descriptions are sweet, real, and drew me in, so forming the reader/character bond wasn't difficult. That's all fine, but as a whole, the piece feels incomplete.
I didn't understand quite a few things. I think you sacrifice clarity for beauty at times, which flustered me. Here's what I mean:
“
The wounds he had bled in the following months still itched, so many years later, with unhealing scabs. Did other adventures simply celebrate their bond?” – I like the line, but don't understand it. What wounds? What do you mean by “other adventures”, something sexual? I didn't write this, so it's hard to be sure about what exactly is implied.
"
Rather, the voice seemed like an old friend. It connected him to something lost long ago. Perhaps more than one something, he had often considered.” – Again, the line's pretty much okay, but I don't get it. Connected him to
what long ago? I have no idea what he's thinking. Maybe he himself doesn't know, but you don't clarify that.
“
The bells had given him such a wonderful gift that night.” – What gift? The sounds they made?
“
He could have kissed the local children for their mischievous natures. He could not, thankfully, for their crime had never been discovered.” – What crime? Did they break in and ring the bells? I'm just not sure. You don't have to spell it out, but at least make it coherent.
Nits:
“
Oddly, he didn't dash up the steps to warn the authorities. No, it was odd at all.” – Did you mean wasn't, or. . . ?
“
The sound seemed to judge him. Each swing a new accusation filled his ears.” – Did you mean “With each swing a new accusation filled his ears”? It looks wrong like that.
Your use of punctuation is a bit of an issue for me; some sentences read almost like bullet-points and don't flow into each other eloquently, which muddled the pacing – something that, I think, can ruin a story. I wouldn't say that's true in this entry, but a full stop isn't the only choice and can often be too strong a pause in the wrong place. That caused most of this to read unnaturally, for me, and I think changes need to be made.
Still, I did like it. It has a few issues, but they can be rectified easily. Grammatically, it was excellent.
Final verdict: a good story that needs more of just about everything. Good luck.
15/20
Misa Buckley
Vigil
I'll be honest: at first, this story annoyed me. I didn't understand why nothing was happening, and how a dull robot going through her routine was going to make for a good story . . . but then it clicked.
Towards the end, what started off as a seemingly mindless machine became a mechanical mother, watching over her children; tucking them in, almost; making sure they had all they needed for the journey ahead. I had a smile on my face when it'd finished, because it was sort of moving – flawed
, but moving.
Once I got all that and read it a second time, it was much better, as a lot of stories often are. It's not exactly original; there are sections similar to this in many sci-fi books and films
, but that didn't stop me from enjoying it.
Still, it's quite dull in the first few sections. When the alarm sounds, I think you could've taken that opportunity to inject some real urgency into it, just to show how vulnerable the humans are and how vital this robot is to them. Its importance is evident towards the end as I said, but you could have made that hit home sooner. That would have made the rest seem like less of a chore.
There's not much more to say. It could do with a bit of expansion; you had another 100 words to take advantage of, but it was a nice, generally well-executed idea. I can see it making a lovely little animated short film.
Punctuation-wise, I think you should have omitted a bunch of commas, replaced them with full stops and vice-versa. It stopped and started quite often which threatened to break the flow, and it partially succeeded. A semicolon would've been much better suited in places.
Maybe you wrote in this way to give it a more mechanical, non-human flavour – I don't know, but I
do know that it took me a long time to read through; punctuation is there to make reading easier.
So it's good, but needs tweaking to be great. Good luck.
16/20
Bilston Blue
Taking Vic to Lord's
Good stuff, I enjoyed this.
The way the caretaker is recollecting moments lost in time is enjoyable, I could almost feel that same nostalgia. It's written well and was easy to visualise all the way through. I never had much trouble with anything on that front, so I can't knock your style: it's neat; well-paced; very natural and gets the job done. I tend not to like first-person stories in general, but yours held my attention.
The main character is intriguing – endearing, even, but there's an air of darkness about him that makes you stop just short of actually liking him. That's how he strikes me, anyway, which is cool. The calm, quiet ones are usually the scariest and I think that rings true here.
There's one section that had me re-reading and scrutinizing, though: the part where your guy recalls catching two kids getting lucky.
“
. . . and he never told a word to anyone about what I did to her whilst he watched, sobbing like an eight-year-old who’d pissed his pants.” – I like that you left exactly what happened to the reader's imagination (if that was your intention); however, I immediately assumed he'd done something sexual to the girl and I'm not sure that's right.
As it neared the end, I still wasn't confident about what had transpired that day, so I personally think you should clarify it more for cretins like myself.
It doesn't feel like you were restricted by the word limit, which always impresses me. It's not easy to write a 650 word story and tie up all the loose ends without leaving any visible scars, but you did so reasonably well. I would've liked more about his home-life and how it was affected by the incident (if it even was), but that's because of my own curiosity, not because its absence is detrimental to the story.
Punctuation and grammar-wise, it's sound. I feel you often say “and” where a comma would make it flow a lot better. Most of the time, it didn't damage the story whatsoever; sometimes, just a little, but that's because I'm persnickety.
A couple colons seemed unnecessary. The word “taffed” threw me off, too, but I decided it was slang for “stole” and moved on. No spelling mistakes to report.
Overall: great. I hope my comments are well-founded.
17/20
Jinxi
The Caretaker
I wasn't feeling this one.
The relationship between the killer and the woman (therapist?) is the most interesting part, but it wasn't developed strongly enough for me to care. I knew his name, I knew his family had died, but I didn't know
him; why he killed those people; if he was innocent, etc. Some actual dialogue between the two would've really made it a lot more interesting.
She says
“He impacted my life so greatly that I cannot resist sharing my story”. To be honest, I didn't find one thing in the whole story that suggests he had this significant role in her life. What happened? Did they share secrets with each other? When did this mother-son relationship actually come into fruition? I really feel like it's missing the important parts.
Because of that, it's almost pointless. I'm just being told all of this happened without seeing it unfold for myself. If I'm not going on the journey with the main character, the chances of me being moved or stimulated are much lower, I feel.
With first-person stories, I find myself spending far too much time in the main character's head, which isn't always that interesting. I think that's true here, to some extent.
I see what you were going for, don't get me wrong; I know I sound like a Negative Nancy. The idea here is very good, but it needs more time and work, that's all. In
Silence of the Lambs I ended up caring for Dr. Lecter, even with the knowledge of his crimes and I can see myself caring for Jasper as the MC did, but not as it stands now.
The actual writing was quite plain, but there were no real grammatical errors. I couldn't find any typos either, so there wasn't much re-reading to endure, which is good.
I look forward to seeing how you develop this.
12/20
Bazz Cargo
Luna
I like the idea: Caretaker up on the roof, stargazing; boy goes up there to kill himself; caretaker persuades him not to. That's the gist if I've gotten it right and it's good, but I don't think the execution was quite up to it.
The caretaker comes off as preachy, which annoyed me. I didn't like him, frankly, and that formed a barrier between me and the plot. It wasn't too bad, but he definitely needs something – I don't know what, exactly, but he needs it.
The ending arrives very suddenly, which is awkward; I've done that before and it can be hard to spot for yourself. It seems the boy is sure of his decision:
“You have no idea what it's like”, then before I know it, he's saying
“Thank you” and going home. I don't think that's very realistic; the word limit seems to have really hindered the story. I can't say if that's the case, but it feels unfinished.
“
He swung around and stared into the shadows cast by vents and stuff.” – I personally don't like to see things like that; it feels out of place in a story, especially one like this. I understand if you wanted to write in a more informal way, but I don't like it.
The dialogue was all clumped together, so I had to fix that before I could judge comfortably.
Your punctuation needs some work. I feel you use commas in the wrong places often, and some parts of the story didn't read smoothly because of that. I had to keep editing in my head as I went along which was a bit of a pain.
A full stop here and there would make it all read much better. I noticed a misplaced apostrophe, too, but it's an easy mistake to make.
Good luck.
13.5/20
InsanityStrickenWriter
Ill-treated and Needy Garages
Interesting interpretation. I enjoyed the little exchange between the two characters; it was fun and had me smiling with its almost
Alice in Wonderland-style eccentricity.
Still, I think the whole piece needed more time in the oven.
Your main character, Michael, doesn't have much of a presence in the story. He feels like a name, not a person, which didn't convince me he was worth reading about. All of the charisma came through in the Organiser/Caretaker; that's fine, don't get me wrong, but it left it all a bit muddled and unbalanced.
Some lines that didn't work for me:
“
He could swear he could see light seeping out from the sides of a hazy silhouette.”
You say “could” twice here, in close proximity of each other.
“A hazy silhouette” is also pretty vague, I think. I know what you were saying, that's not the problem, it would just be clearer if you mentioned what it appeared to be a silhouette
of, but that's me.
“
The majority of him was busy being terrified, but there was also a passing thought of confusion.” – That isn't a very clear description. I can see what you were aiming for, but it doesn't gel with me at all.
There are some amusing lines, but they feel forced. If the word limit was higher, I'm sure you would've spread them out more gracefully, but that's why it's called a writing challenge I guess.
The actual idea is funny. I love that there's this entity taking care of neglected sheds, she'd fit snugly in a
Discworld novel.
The dialogue wasn't double-spaced which made the story read at an odd pace, so I had to amend that before reading on. Easily fixed, but annoying nonetheless.
I think you really need to work on your comma usage. You use far too many in my opinion, often in the wrong places. It might not seem like something major, but affected the story for me quite a lot. If it doesn't flow as naturally as it should, I don't enjoy it as much; your first two paragraphs are a good example of this.
Some of the ellipses seem out of place also. They can be used to great affect, but I think a few were unnecessary here.
Your spelling was perfect, no glitches in the matrix there.
Good luck.
15/20
MJ Preston
Squared Up
Very good. Steady, methodical writing.
I like how carefully your character is ironing the uniform. You can tell how much it means to him that everything is perfect and in order, almost out of respect, which I admired; however, I think the
reason he's ironing is what's interesting here, yet most of the story is focused on describing each and every step of the actual ironing. I don't mean to sound rude, but it's not exactly the most alluring read.
Also, to be honest, I don't feel there's much of a style coming through. It's very neat and controlled, but there isn't any flair, so it comes across as quite plain. The way you tell it can make all the difference, but I wasn't that compelled to finish.
The ending was a bit dull. I expected one final line – something that touched me, closing the story nicely, but it never really came. It's your story, you ended it how you wanted to, but that feeling of satisfaction wasn't there, for me.
Some nits that stick out:
“
The landscape of his face is shiny and new, in the corner on his right cheekbone there is a mark that could be a pimple.” – I don't like “landscape”, it looks and sounds odd, to me. I have the same problem with “could be”.
“
The irons grumbles once more.” – Iron
.
“
. . . as he again set across the crease and pulling the material taut.” – Did you mean “pulled”?
“
He ignores it and running it back and forth pressing hard.” – Runs
?
“
He turns the shirt of and repeats the process.” – Over
?
“
Present….. Arms!” – No need for five full stops, unless it's an army thing I haven't quite grasped.
“
Sergeant Andrews,” A voice in the doorway says.” – Lower-case '
a' here.
The punctuation's good. I feel you could have used a few more commas to smooth things out, but it's good.
I liked this one, it just needs some re-working I think.
16/20
DickC
The Caretaker
I had trouble with this piece.
At one point – quite late in the story – you describe a “mysterious killer”. I think it would be better if you mention this person a lot sooner than you do, because it's actually the most curious part. Instead, it's revealed pretty close to the end which weakens its impact. It's like “Wait a minute, who's this guy?”, then it was finished.
I like that people are dropping like flies and this guy Digger is scraping them off the streets, wondering why he hasn't met his end yet, but again, it's only in the second-to-last paragraph that this becomes apparent, and it doesn't really pay off.
The idea is good, I really am impressed with that, but it needs more of everything to be a memorable read.
Tripped up on these:
“
Digger watched two Robins” – “Robins” shouldn't be capitalised here.
"Hey Buddy.", barked the driver. – “Buddy” shouldn't be capitalised here, either. Also, you follow it with a full stop when it should be a comma; you do this quite a lot. There's no need for the comma after the final speech-mark, “Hey buddy,” barked the driver.
It's always a comma when followed by a dialogue tag (
he said,
she said, etc.). When dialogue is followed by an action, or simply doesn't need a tag, you use a full stop, “Hey buddy.” The cop's voice was thick and scratchy.
Bad example, but you get the idea.
"Hey, I'm talking to you.", the cop shouted. – Same problem. I won't labour the point.
"What's so damn interesting in there?," – Here, you put a comma after the question mark; there's no need, the question mark acts as a comma: “What's so damn interesting in there?” he asked.
“
The Future.”, he said. – Why have you capitalised “future”?
“
Row eight, Lot twelve was next.”
A distinct lack of punctuation throughout made it very difficult to read. I found myself stopping, starting and re-reading sections constantly to understand what exactly was going on. That just makes it feel messy.
It's amazing what a few well-placed commas can do to a story and I think you should start using them more often.
So a really cool idea, but the story needs an overhaul.
13/20
Elite
A Promise to the Ocean
I tried really hard to get into this one, but it was difficult. I couldn't make sense of what was going on; where your main character was;
who he was. You describe a harmonica more than you do him and visualising everything wasn't all that easy because of things like that.
This relationship he has with the young girl is sweet, but doesn't feel real at times. I think you could do with making your dialogue and descriptions clearer; you had another 200 words to explore their affiliation more deeply here and I don't think you exploited that to its fullest.
As it stands now, it's much too short for me to form any real bond with these characters, and that feeling of disconnect didn't help sell it to me. I just think it needed more time, because that little exchange between him and the child is actually quite evocative. If the rest of the story is equally as good next time, I can see myself enjoying it more.
At the beginning, you mention a storm and ignore it after that. I personally would have made it rain towards the end, suggesting the weather represented the pain your MC was feeling; as if the sky was shedding the very same tears – but hey, that's just me. I'd have utilised that element.
There are positives, I'm not being overly critical just for the sake of it. There are some nice turns of phrase; a potentially beautiful relationship if it's expanded and refined (as I touched upon before), and your grammar was very good.
A few nits:
“
The waves crashed with concrete.” – I think that's a little vague. I'm not sure what you mean.
"Why are you crying?" She asked. – You've capitalised “she” here.
“
She was wearing so many clothes of all kinds of colors.” – That comes off as lazy. “So many clothes of all kinds of colours” doesn't help me imagine the scene at all, use some artistry; force an image into my head with your words, don't just suggest it.
"Will you come and visit again?" She asked.” – she.
"It's okay. It's… it's okay," I comforted her . . .” – Should be a full stop after the second “okay” here.
“
If it's like this, then...” – This line's strange, it sort of trails off into nothing. If
what's like this? I'm not sure what you're referring to. Maybe I've overlooked something, but clarity is paramount in my opinion.
In a nutshell, you definitely show skill, but this piece needs work. Good luck.
14/20
Spider8
The School Caretaker
There's so much dialogue here that it didn't feel like a story; it felt like I was reading through a script, or some kind of test to see if you could write without any form of description. That's fine if it works . . . but I don't think it does in this particular piece.
Nothing arrives to balance the pacing out, it's just line after line of generally unremarkable speech. It's cool if you're trying out something new, that's always good and keeps things fresh, but I think this really needed that narrative thread running through it.
Mr. Figgis is another issue I have. He's not that likeable – he's actually sort of annoying. He natters incessantly and comes across as overly self-conscious, which was probably intentional, but it became an arduous read because of that. Not every character is perfect of course. Maybe I expected too much from a 650 word story, but I wanted more from him – something different to make it less ordinary.
I couldn't get a sense of place, either; they could be in Disneyland for all I know. I imagined them in a totally barren hallway the whole time.
Punctuation and grammar were top-notch. I noticed the odd anomaly, but nothing worth mentioning. Very clean.
So although I don't think it works that well, there's a refreshing style of writing turning the gears here. Something I'll always appreciate.
13/20
Heavy Thorn
MR. PEARCE
This was the toughest entry to read through and judge.
I wasn't sure who was speaking a lot of the time, which was really jarring. I think there were just too many characters for a story of this size, and it took a long time to read properly because of that. I had to go right back to the start more than once, which destroyed any interest I had to begin with.
There's Mr. Pearce and his wife, Mr. Garrow, Colton, Mr and Mrs. Clay, a sheriff and a butler. Although some are hardly mentioned, it still makes this piece convoluted.
Here's an example:
“
Mr. Pearce looked up, now at the Sheriff, now at Mr. Garrow, now at the concerned and tattered gentlemen surrounding him. Mr. Garrow's heart sunk in his chest when he saw the face of the butler.” – I had to read this about six times. Your overall writing just isn't that clear, in my opinion; it shouldn't be difficult to read something so trivial.
I'm still not even sure who's who, is Mr. Pearce the butler? It's hard to tell. I mean no offence, but it's as if you tried to compress everything into 650 words even though it didn't fit, and that shows – to me, at least.
At first it's interesting. I'm wondering what's happened to his nephew, I'm intrigued, but then I'm reading about how he used to put stamps on letters for Mr. Pearce; how Mrs. Clay didn't approve; the last thing his wife said before leaving for Rome or wherever she went, and all this other stuff that didn't give me time to breathe or care.
So, by the time I got to the end (still confused at this point), it had no effect on me. I think you should have focused on one aspect of the story and committed to it, something that would've made it feel streamlined rather than cumbersome.
One thing I noticed:
“
Tears rimmed his crooked eyes. ” – What do you mean by “crooked eyes”? Are they facing different directions? It's not that clear.
The writing was good, although maybe a bit too formal; I didn't pick up on a particularly strong or distinct style. Both grammar and punctuation were great, nothing to moan about there.
This just didn't float my boat. As a larger piece, I think it could have been the winning entry.
Good luck.
14/20
AvA
Eyes of the North
There's only one real issue I have with this story: it's from the perspective of an animal.
Naturally, a dog or wolf wouldn't have the same points of reference as a human, so that immediately – for me at least – robbed it of realism, especially on the descriptive side of things. I'm not saying it's wrong, that's simply how
you decided to write it, but it doesn't work for me.
For example:
“I saw a bright, miniature sun afire inside the enclosure of blackened stones.” – A line like that, as well as a few more I tripped over, is simply too complicated for me to believe an animal was responsible for it. If this was from the owner's point of view, it'd be absolutely fine with me and, arguably, make a lot more sense overall. It feels a little silly the other way round, that's all, but perhaps I'm taking it too seriously.
It feels like a darker interpretation of
Homeward Bound at times. That's not a slight against you, I'm just saying you gave an animal a more human way of thinking and the theme was one of abandonment, which reminds me of it.
Anyway, once I looked past all of that and read the story for what it
was rather than what it
wasn't, I enjoyed it. The ending's sad with an inkling of optimism which was, actually, pretty satisfying. When it was over, I genuinely hoped that he went on his merry way and reunited with his master, so that man/animal bond was definitely present.
Your grammar and punctuation were both extremely close to flawless. I picked up on a single mistake:
“All he did was sat there and smiled at me.” – You shifted tenses.
It was smooth as silk to read despite that tiny hiccup. Excellent job.
So a competently written piece with an intriguing style. It's moving at times, but didn't
quite get there for me. With some tweaking, I see it being a lovely little read.
16/20
Alanmt
Garden of Eden
The writing here was excellent. I didn't have to re-read a singe line because it was so very smooth and the pacing was just right.
The actual story was great too, it had my undivided attention from start to finish. I like the relationship between Adam and the woman – when she's looking after him, at least. The way she goes from mother to lover is very strange. It didn't ruin it, but it didn't quite hit the spot for me either.
I found myself not caring much for Adam, even when he's tied to a rock having been left to die, weeping. I don't think he has that strong of a presence, but it's enough to make reading on worthwhile.
The part where you're describing Eden's lush garden is my favourite; it made me want to visit there, which was a nice feeling. It's a well-realised slice of paradise.
I feel you could have described the woman's transformation towards the end a bit more clearly, though. You describe colours but not texture or size, if you know what I mean, so I had some trouble getting a vivid image of what was going on at that moment.
I pictured the dragon as Charizard from
Pokémon because of this, which took a while to rid my head of. I'd have mentioned scales and bone deformation, something more distinct to make it palpable, but that's really not a big deal and comes down to preference in the end, rather than an error on your part.
The whole sacrifice thing isn't new or unique, but you wrote it in such a way that turned a classic tale into a fresh and involving one.
As I said, the writing is stellar. Grammar and punctuation were both as good as can be, in my opinion.
Nothing more to say except thanks for the delicious read.
18/20
Custard
The Janitor
A difficult one to judge.
You talk about this “change the world” meeting, but don't elaborate. I don't know what they talk about at these meetings; who'll be attending them; if other kids think badly of this group for wanting to change things, etc. Without any of that, it's really difficult to care. I don't even know who John actually is, a teacher? A student? Why does he care so much about what a janitor thinks?
To be frank, I had no idea what was going on most of the time. I need to know
some of the specifics to at least understand the basic plot. I think you need to work on making things more clear if you want to catch the reader's attention.
“
Perhaps he thought that they were going to bring further ruin to this country.” – What do you mean here? How can a school meeting bring ruin to an entire country?
It's vague lines like this that make the story very confusing. I'm not being rude, but it's like trying to watch an episode of
24 when you've missed the first 30 minutes.
John goes to a meeting where nothing about “saving the world” is mentioned, even though that seems like an important element, and this janitor has a problem with him that's never explained. There's actually no storyline . . . nothing happens.
I won't badger you about it any longer, it just needs a lot more depth.
Some issues I ran into:
“
Many people had encouraged them and Johns parents were very happy.” – Apostrophe after the 'n' in “Johns”.
“
As he walked down the corridor John noticed the Janitor, he always looked at them weirdly.” – Couple issues here: there's no capital 'j' in “janitor” and I'd replace the comma you put after it with a semicolon. That comma makes it read strangely. Here's how I'd personally write your sentence:
As John walked down the corridor, he noticed the janitor; he always looked at them weirdly.
“
When he walked in to their clubroom . . .” – Should be “into”.
“
Where is your head toady?” – Should be “today”. Toady's the guy from
Neighbours.
“
You can go outside if you have something else to think about ” Paul said, his face slightly serious.” – There should be a comma after “about”
. Also, I don't like “slightly serious”, it sounds odd.
“
Hi, I noticed that you were staring at our room do you wish to know something about us?” John said trying to start a conversation.” – Full stop after “room” and a comma after “said”, methinks.
“
No, I don’t” the janitor said his face expressionless but gave just a flash of anger that John noticed.” – “No, I don't,” the janitor said. His face was expressionless, but gave just a flash of anger that John noticed.
“
John faltered under the janitors gaze.” – Should be “janitor's”.
“
The janitor the picked up his broom and moved away.” – Then.
“
Perhaps you have noticed but you have done nothing.” – Did you mean “haven't”? I think a comma after “noticed” would help this line, too.
“
But he could se the faults already emerging.” – See.
Punctuation and grammar are just about okay. I think some fundamental aspects of writing weren't implemented in this piece thoroughly or effectively – apostrophes, comma usage, dialogue tags, etc. That didn't render it unreadable or anything, but I'd say it's something you need to work on.
Good luck.
7/20
Fearsatan
The Lost Caring for the Lost
I liked this a lot, it's an extremely polished and well-paced bit of writing. Very professional indeed. Not perfect, though, there are a few leaks that could've been plugged.
Your nameless protagonist's head was a comfy place to be. He's a calm, intelligent guy – a father figure, almost, and a very likeable one. John was more difficult to care about, to be honest. I never found myself acknowledging him more than was necessary.
Despite the many, many positives, it's pretty depressing; the most depressing entry here, I think. I won't deduct a bunch of points for it, that'd be silly, I'm just saying it's quite a draining experience – something which, ultimately, isn't that fulfilling. I actually didn't like this piece at all on my first read-through for the same reason.
When I read it a second time the following day, that initial reaction was somewhat suppressed and I was able to read it in a more objective way, if you see what I mean. It still lingered, but wasn't as potent.
Another issue I have is its relevance to the prompt. I don't get which part of your story involves or relates to “The Caretaker”. It gave me the impression that this was a piece you'd already written before-hand and just threw it in the competition. I'm not saying that's the case . . . but that's how it strikes me. There's a complement in there somewhere
.
I was a little confused at times, mostly about their “situation”. I thought it was post-apocalyptic at first, then I wasn't sure, then back and forth, so it left me pondering and satisfyingly eager for more. Ambiguity can be a bit of a double-edged sword, but I think you found a nice middle-ground.
Grammatically and punctuationally, it was flawless. Nada to complain about – well, except this:
“It was of him and his daughter. At a family barbeque.” – Two issues: you've spelled barbecue wrong and I think the full stop between “daughter” and “at” is unnecessary.
So, highs and lows. Effective writing; a strong style; great imagery; generally appealing characters, etc., but the solemn theme and – from what I've gleaned – lack of a connection with the prompt affected its overall impact on me.
17/20
Guy_Faukes
The Stewart
I like the idea behind this, it's interesting. I had some trouble with all the references
your characters make, though.
The caretaker talks of “The monsters”. That in itself is dark and full of intrigue, but isn't really touched upon. I'd rather hear more about the people who've been taken; how they ended up hiding out of fear in this sanctuary; the “atrocities” and “sacrifices”, etc. Just saying that they've occurred isn't very significant to me, because I don't know the extent of the situation.
What the caretaker actually does is also a mystery to me. How does he protect the people? Did he build the sanctuary? In what way is it fortified? I felt like I was left in the dark too often. I don't expect everything to be answered in 650 words, just enough to keep me hooked, but I was confused half the time.
Marcus comes across as quite stilted, he isn't the most tangible character. I feel indifferent about him, because I'm not too sure why he's so eager to return to the surface with the others. He hints that things have changed up there, but I can't possibly know what he means by that. It's cool if you wanted to leave it open to interpretation, but it's
too open, I think. There's a fine line between ambiguous and confusing.
There are some nice descriptions, especially when you liken the caretaker's face to clay and his eyes to coal. I had a clear image of him in my head throughout the story because of that one line. I couldn't visualise Marcus as easily, though, he was a bit of a blank canvas. Whether that's good or bad . . . I can't decide, so I'll just say it's a little bit of both. Good because it makes me feel like I'm the main character, and bad because that can make it feel bland.
So yeah, the writing's good. You capitalised the odd word like “gate”; you end a lot of dialogue with a full stop when it should be a comma (“I know,” said Marcus.) and I picked up on “reveling” instead of “revelling”. I feel it was
slightly adverb-heavy, too, but those are all relatively minor errors that didn't niggle.
I still like the idea. It's not unique or particularly creative, but I like it.
Good luck with this one.
14/20
Like a Fox
No More Baked Potatoes
Sad. It was a while before I could shake off the silence this left me in. Took me by surprise.
It almost sounds too true to be fiction – which is a good thing, I guess. I never found myself questioning its realism, I just read it. It made me very aware of myself and my mortality, for some reason.
It's a very honest piece, I think. It's not often I read something where a character's thoughts sound completely genuine and unscripted, but this felt both.
It didn't end on a sombre note, though, but one of . . . I don't know, duty, or determination, so it wasn't depressing to the point of overkill.
I didn't like one thing:
“I go to the fridge to get Mum some chilled water and a huge gust of something, sadness I guess,” – It's not bad or even wrong, but a “gust of sadness” doesn't work there, for me.
So yeah, nothing more to say about the story, on to the writing!
I noticed a single error:
“. . . to ask what the sufficient cooking time is, (Note: It’s always much longer than I think), and she'll . . .” – You put a comma before and after the brackets.
Overall, it's excellent. There are some nice turns of phrase; the pacing was smooth and steady; punctuation and grammar – other than that one error I noticed – were both spick and span, as I'd expect, and, despite its highly emotive theme, it didn't leave too bitter a taste in my mouth once I'd read the final word.
Simple, effective writing. Good stuff.
17/20
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