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I’m glad I made no promises this time.
You guys wouldn’t believe how many times I tried to sit down and get this finished. Anyyywaaay. It’s finally happened.
So I might as well get a wriggle on and announce our winners.
In first place, a clear win, is InsanityStrickenWriter!
Congratulations, a really great entry.
In second place, we have Anna Buttons for her excellent little story.
And in third, another great story from Jinxi.
Here’s the boring maths bit that takes me much longer than I care to admit:
Bazz Cargo – 15 + 16.5 + 16 + 15 = 62.5 / 4 = Average of 15.625
The Jaded – 15 + 13.5 + 19 + 15 = 62.5 / 4 = Average of 15.625
Jinxi - 18 + 14 + 17 + 15.5 = 64.5 / 4 = Average of 16.125
Anna Buttons – 13 + 17.5 + 17 + 18 = 65.5 / 4 = Average of 16.375
Flapjack - 11 + 16 + 17 + 14 = 58 / 4 = Average of 14.5
Chaeronia - 13 + 12.5 + 14 + 16 = 55.5 / 4 = Average of 13.875
InsanityStrickenWriter – 19 + 14.5 + 18 + 17 = 68.5 / 4 = Average of 17.125
And here are our comments from the judges.
A big thank you to these three guys for their very prompt results, apologies from me for my lack of, and congratulations to all. You’re all winners in my books, because you took the time to write something. See you next round!
Spider8’s Scores
Weren't there some great ideas here? !
Anyway, here's my scores and comments...
Superheroes' Night Off by Mike (Judges Entry)
The good thing about this was it seemed light, simple and fun. Also, use of the word ‘asses’ and American English (favorites) made me think of America and then you used the word ‘pub’, which doesn’t. Also, it doesn’t seem to be a night off for them, does it? Maybe you’re calling all housewives superheroes – clever, I suppose but if so, it didn’t work for me. I didn’t get the look between Tallahassie and Angie near the end. What is ‘thin air’? I’m familiar with the term ‘…vanished into thin air.’ But it always annoys me when I read it.
Overall, it kept my attention and I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the dirty sense of humour too though it wasn’t funny enough to have one of them in tears. Mind you, I’d have preferred to give all the jokes to Tallahassie to make her dialogue more distinct from the others, but perhaps you preferred to show all three had the same mindset – nothing wrong with that.
I did feel a lack of ‘Oomph’ at the ending. Perhaps that last sentence felt like it rambled a bit.
Generally a nice, clear little story though.
Zero points!
Gecko by Bazz Cargo
I thought this a good story but only after a second read. There was a lack of clarity on the first. I lost track of who was actually talking early in. A question is asked and it wasn’t clear enough by whom, or who replied etc. I spotted occasional punctuation and spelling (Newyork, desert), mistakes too. Oh, and a lack of capitals when beginning dialogue.
‘My wife and confidant(e) wasn’t exactly gentle with me, as she helped me into the bathroom.’ Because he‘s lying in bed and the wife’s just said he was in the bathroom for three hours, I thought this was her helping him the night before. (I’ve added the ‘e’ because she’s a woman.)
Of course, these kind of things take my focus away and stop you from really grabbing me. You have a slight tendency to let some sentences run away from you.
It was much better on the second read; full of life and sparkle. As with a lot of your stuff, there’s a good sense of fun. Bit of a drawback having the wife explaining what had happened the night before rather than actually being there. It’s more like the morning after the night off.But you just about get away with it.
15/20
Date Night by The Jaded
I quite enjoyed this, despite one or two problems. I found certain parts of this abrupt. For instance “Shall we head inside and get some dinner?” I thought odd; surely a ‘Nice to meet you’ or something else first (maybe he’s just very hungry). Also ‘Jonathon went back to his table,’ after witnessing the event, seems a bit zombie-like. I’d reword ‘Jonathon started conversation’ What about them sitting down, ordering wine and just speaking? I know there’s a word limit but there’s also a waste of words – do we need surnames? Also, ‘as he watched’, ‘and he knew’ could be better with ‘the car tilted, about to fall to the street below.’ Perhaps that’s just my taste though.
I found the writing good and very clear but that could be because of the déjà vu nature of a superhero out of costume - mentally, I’m in a comfort zone.
‘…olive skin,’ Now, I know what an olive looks like, and when I see this in books it always makes me wonder if the author’s doing it because he’s read it in other books. To me, olives are usually green, sometimes black, always greasy.
The ending died for me, fizzled out.
15/20
Land of Deuville by Jinxi
Wow, you really got me at the end. It made me read again with a smile on my face. The only thing wrong was ‘I discovered the monster’s weakness – webbing tossed over the feet’ made me think that its own webbing tossed over its own feet was the weakness. I didn’t like some of the description on the first read but loved it on the second, when I knew the narrator was a child. I’d replace ‘eradicate’.
I’m not happy that half the story is a flashback. Although it’s still a night off, flashing back to one that wasn’t, was a bit naughty of you! I’m docking a point for it.
Excellent.
18/20
Superhero’s Night Off by Anna Buttons
I liked the opening. In fact I liked it very much up until this:
Crystal’s little Jamie just started school and Tiffany got back from her trip to Thailand to get her teeth done
I had a major problem with this – It made me think ‘Who’s Crystal?’ and worked out she was possibly Boris’ wife, and Jamie his stepson. Then when the daughter asks if Dad has any romance on the horizon, it puzzled me. But, back to my quoted sentence: Did Tiffany go to Thailand to get her teeth done or has she come back in order to get them done? Is it important? Do Jamie and Tiffany both look great, or just Tiffany’s teeth? In fact, I’d cut out the dinner with the daughter; it’s too nice, with too many people that aren’t important being mentioned, and too much of a distraction. Come up with another device to get him away. You could keep me in the here-and-now by having the ending happen on the same night as meeting Belle. Their interaction was great and felt natural. Maybe you want to hint that Boris will be having romance with Belle.
I didn’t like Belle screaming at the end. Why would she, after Boris has pulled him off and has him on the floor? There seemed to be too much of a time delay there for me and the screaming subsequently felt unreal. There was also a tense change in the middle – ‘Belle, looking genuinely surprised, had said’ (perhaps you meant ‘and’)
A missing capital ‘oh no, he’s fine. Great tipper.’
I suggest ‘Oh, no. He’s fine - great tipper.’
It started promising but I felt disappointment at the lack of a superhero and irritation at trying to work things out. Mega points-docking for the missing superhero. Apologies if I just didn’t get it.
13/20
A Hero’s Study by Flapjack
The character doesn’t seem to be much of a superhero. Okay, cracking the code of an encrypted nuke maybe the stuff of Batman films but I feel this is too serious for that. I don’t know what Alexander was doing in the small apartment.
Also, the MC seems to be ruminating on subjects that I’d guess most people have thought about. Yet he obviously thinks they haven’t, despite his superbrain. I didn’t like the red seat, red clock and red cabinet – the piece isn’t tense enough to merit a bloodlink (if that’s what it was).
I didn’t like the clock seeming to talk to itself, and felt that it talking to Alexander would be better.
I finished not really knowing who or what this Alexander is, or what the story was about.
11/20
Schrodinger’s Splat by Chaeronia
A nice idea, terrific but I found much of this awkward to read. It doesn’t flow comfortably to me. Things like the ‘…bonding of ersatz Montagues and Capulets…’ unclear until I looked up ‘ersatz’ in the dictionary afterwards. Also, weren’t the Montagues and Capulets enemies?
There was a spelling mistake quite early in with ‘nauseas’ (nauseous).
‘He nodded, understood.’ I’m not nodding or understanding, I’m afraid.
I couldn’t help wondering what sort of life the woman has between one year and the next. Overall, this had the feeling of being too much crushed into 650 words.
Some good imagery ‘She stargazed while looking down.’ And her friends magnetizing a stag-do and flagging them down etc., all good stuff except I had to keep pausing to work things out. Perhaps this was initially 800 words and you’ve had to edit it too much to fit in. (I made it exactly 650)
Clever ending, I loved it. Bonus point!
13/20
Deadly Butter by InsanityStrickenWriter
What a mad story. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Loads of humour.
Hardly any mistakes. I spotted ‘head ware’ instead of headwear, and “Or ambience…” when I’d prefer a word before ‘ambience’. But it didn’t stop me laughing. I think the story would have been cuter if Deadly was younger.
To be consistent, evil asbestos should be capitalised. I have to dock you a point for these careless mistakes.
Great fun-read! Well done.
19/20
The Fuhrer2.0’s Scores
The Gecko by bazz cargo
8.5/10 (Plot) + 4.5/5 (SPaG) + 3.5/5 (Impact) = 16.5/20
A simple, quick-paced, humorous read. I especially liked the Giant White Phone metaphor. I think it was a nice touch. There a tiny SPaG errors in a few parts, but these didn't stand out much. And the ending was just perfect.
Date Night by The Jaded
7/10 (Plot) + 4/5 (SPaG) + 2.5/5 (Impact) = 13.5/20
The story started great, with excellent descriptions and a cool plot that sounded believable for a hero's night off. But then, when you came to the firm handshake, I already had an idea the Karen was the hero. This was strengthened with "law enforcement," then confirmed when she disappeared. This made the story lose appeal for me, but then again, we're only playing with 650 words, so there's not much room for foreshadowing. Also, why did "Jonathan" suddenly become "Jonathon"? I really want to know the correct name.
Land of Deuville by Jinxi
6.5/10 (Plot) + 4.5/5 (SPaG) + 3/5 (Impact) = 14/20
The start was nice, in-tempo if you will, then it became a bit monotonous. It became some sort of rambling from a journal, not that this is wrong. Some writers use this style in their novels, but this story lacked detail. Perhaps the beginning made me expect a lot. However, I was caught off-guard by the ending. It didn't appear like some plot caught in thin air. It was actually believable, and it was ingenious. This didn't appear to adhere directly to the "Night Off" part of the theme, though.
Superhero's Night Off by Anna Buttons
8.5/10 (Plot) + 5/5 (SPaG) + 4/5 (Impact) = 17.5/20
Insightful, a different perspective for the theme, and one that really touched something in me. The details were well-described, but was done very concisely, giving the reader what is only needed. A very kind employer could be a hero in today's world, indeed.
A Hero's Study by Flapjack
7.5/10 (Plot) + 5/5 (SPaG) + 3.5/5 (Impact) = 16/20
A philosophical meditation of a hero during his night off. There's not much to say here, since I pretty much agree with the ideas presented here, including the contrast of force and charity, and how a ruler must find the equilibrium to bring about piece. Then again, evil is always present. A great read.
Schrodinger's Splat by Chaeronia
7/10 (Plot) + 3/5 (SPaG) + 2.5/5 (Impact) = 12.5/20
I had to read this one twice before I got it's point. This probably because of some of the awkward word placements in the story. I feel that there were a few words that were unnecessary. There were also some SPaG errors. But I have to admit, the ending indeed brought the point home.
Deadly Butter by InsanityStrickenWriter
7/10 (Plot) + 4.5/5 (SPaG) + 3/5 (Impact) = 14.5/20
A simple story written in a simple, quickly-read, easy voice. The plot, though lacked some impact, was witty and engaging. The humor was spot-on, too.
Mike’s Scores
There are some interesting entries in this one. I quite liked juding them. If you have any question on the scores I give you, or if any of my advice or critique is unclear, please send me a private message.
The Gecko - Bazz Cargo - 16/20
I like the idea behind this story, a gambolling superhero, and I wish it was told as it is actually happening rather than as a past encounter. I can understand the decision, however, since there is a word count limit and it's easier to surmise when looking back to the past. The tone is a little too repartee for me. The inner monologue is great, but the repeated use of the word Zeus became distracting. I like how you don't mention who the main character exactly is, or what super powers he possesses. I think the statement, "I need to go to the bathroom," doesn't match with his style. I imagine him saying something like: 'I need to take a pisser.' There are a few spelling mistakes in this one - confidant/confidante, know/now, Couldn't/couldn't, desert/desssert, Newyork/New York. The opening sentence doesn't make sense to me.
Date Night - The Jaded - 19/20
The story is very easy on the eyes to read. The exchange of dialogue, the sequence of events, and the narration all blend into things fairly seamlessly. To be honest, I don't quite like the particular setting of the story, because I've seen it before in various renditions of other superhero stories and in the movie, "My Super Ex-Girlfriend." Given the setting, though, I would have almost liked to have seen the story from Karen's point of view rather than Jonathon's. "The woman that had spoken," should be "who" instead of "that." And I think you could do to exchange some of the many uses of "Jonathon" and use pronouns in their place.
Land of Deuville - Jinxi - 17/20
I was a little confused when reading this story, wondering what you meant by 'the evils of parents' and 'my town,' but I realized they are embedded telltales to reinforce the unmasking of your superhero at the end of the story and was like: "oh." You start off well. I really like the "League of Obviously Bizarre Superheroes and Friends," and the setting of April the 23rd and I wondered what the main character would do on that particular evening, but, just before the story takes off, I encounter a flashback.
I hate flashbacks.
I especially don't like them in short stories, because there is no real point in having them because we don't know the character well enough to derive any special meaning from her present life to her exalted or debased past life.
The writing is fairly smooth and you describe many things very well. There are, however, a few sticky spots. "Nothing can keep my desperate yearning to perform my skills, or the memories at bay" is one of them. I can get what you mean from the words, but the grammar needs word. (How does one perform memories?) Other than that, I tripped up briefly at 'my dripping attack,' because I don't know how it can be possessive. Also, flash back should be flashback.
Superhero's Night Off - Anna Buttons - 17/20
This short story has a lot going on, which makes it a pleasure to read and a subject of my irritation when you simply end in the middle of unresolved action. I love the sentence: "She shook his hand like someone had taught her how to," even though we should never end a sentence with a preposition. I think the development moves too quickly in Belle's regard. One moment she is a shy, timid young girl and the next she's drawling how it's all good - she's got this - in regards to Boris' warnings. While the break to meet with Boris' daughter adds a lot of background into his life, I think it's unnecessary for this story due to its limits. I know that you must break away from the original setting in order to set up the ending, but you could do it with just a paragraph break and the qualifier that Boris was out eating with his daughter.
Dialogue tags!
"Here's trouble," Boris said. |PB| She smiled. "Boris?" (No need for 'she asked - it's apparent.)
And: "Belle, looking genuinely surprised(,) had said, "(Oh) no, he's fine. Great tipper."
A Hero's Study - Flapjack - 17/20
This certainly isn't your traditional story, with characters and action and witty dialogue, but rather it's more of a discourse on the philosophy behind the purposes and actions of a superhero, and the consequences he must face. Not that you needed to be told - this is just my understanding of it. I really liked how in-depth you went with some of these 'studies,' but the short paragraphs combined with an almost haughty tone (using grandiose words like humanity, mankind, atrocity) gave it a preaching feel. As a reader, I felt like I was being distanced from Alexander by being placed among the peasants of his life.
Schrodinger's Splat - Chaeronia - 14/20
I'm afraid that I'm completely lost trhough the majority of the story, like listening in on a conversation between two spies who are using agent orange words. I have to fill in a lot of meaning by guessing. I really like the terse, street-prose style sentences and phrases - the catharsis of gravity, everyday banalities infringed - but one after another make it a jilted read. What's also confusing is the pacing of time. The main character, to me, seems to be flashing back and forth between time and space. I think the relationship between her and Quantum Man needs to be more defined. I would consider starting off with the first rescue (as in the past) and then working up to the present rooftop encounter.
Deadly Butter - InsanityStrickenWriter - 18/20
I like the humor in this story and the names of the superheroes. It's just fun to read, even though there is some missing logic in actions (like Mrs B just vanishing like that), which gives it a more fantastical feel. If the plot was any more insidious, I'd say we should meet the mayor, and I don't quite get how she's gone to such great lengths to 'have it off' with one of the superheroes, because she could do that anyway at her home and no one would be the wiser, so the ending was both weird and abrupt.
A couple other things: the use of the mirror. I don't like the device of using a mirror to describe a character, especially when you have such strong narration as it is, but to describe a character using the mirror without him even looking in it is just freaking insane! Seriously, just tell us what he looks like, hehe. Or, if you're bent on using the mirror, put one in a cabinet somewhere and have Deadly open it up to get some cereal. Who puts mirrors on the inside door of cabinets, anyway? That would both serve the purposes of describing the character and poking fun at writers who use such easy devices. Or...perhaps the reflection on the back of a spoon could suffice, too.... So many options...
Grammar: twenty-four-year-old; the fiend, which lurked/the fiend who lurked
Like A Fox’s Scores
Superheroes' Night Off
by Mike (Judges Entry)
Ha! I loved that. It had a Sin City feel to it, the rigid prose, the slightly unrealistic dialogue. The badass women.
The image you painted was vivid but done with delicacy. The characterisation was enough for the length of the piece. I liked especially the idea that these women had normal lives as mothers and wives. The humour was well done, the storyline was clear. Yeah, really great job.
I once wrote a short story for an LM that kind of felt like it could be turned into a mini comic. This has that same feel. Maybe something to consider?
Thanks for entering and getting the ball rolling!
No Score
The Gecko
by bazz cargo
Strong opening line.
I like the way in which you chose to tell the story, because the real story is that of the heroes and their big messy night off. It sort of employed the same story-telling technique as The Hangover (that movie).
I did think it fell a bit short somewhere along the way. It might have been the way in which you showed his thoughts versus the dialogue. It felt a bit stilted, those italics (though if you were to venture far enough back, you’d see my first ever LM entry I did something quite similar... Maybe that’s why I’m commenting on it. I have since edited that story for clarity.)
Anyway, I would’ve liked a bit more scene between our main characters and a bit more physical grounding in the story, but I really think you have something good here. Great voice.
15/20
Date Night
by The Jaded
Cute. I liked this quite a bit. A strong A to B narrative, a good sense of the characters, although they were a little stiff. Dialogue was not particularly discernible, even in the smallest story, actually, especially in the smallest story, giving a character a little quirk or originality is really important..
I wasn’t sure if I was going to like the ending when I sensed it coming, but I’m glad he didn’t ask her. I think when he decides not to ask her it’s a bit wordy. But then I kinda like how keen he is on her, makes him a lot more interesting too.
Nice entry, thanks for competing.
15/20
Land of Deuville
by Jinxi
I like it when a story sets up something and then pulls the rug out and reveals something else.
I like the idea behind this one, and I think with a little fine-tuning the execution could be a little cleaner.
For example, it would really make it richer if there was a bit of set up and pay off going on. So if some of the references earlier in the story gave subtle hints at the end result, then when it’s revealed the reader feels that “Ahhh how clever” feeling.
In parts it was a bit wordy. Like this line, for example:
It was a lifeless day, apart from the blobs of water the sky chose to spit down on my headThe meaning gets a bit lost with that roundabout way of saying it was raining. Also a lifeless day would often be characterised with rain, so I’m not sure “apart from” is quite right.
Anyway, I love the concept, not totally sold on the execution but I think with a few hints in the beginning and a bit of simplification of some of the sentences, it’d be a real gem. Thanks again for your wonderful entry!
15.5/20
Superhero's Night Off
by Anna Buttons
The writing here is so strong. Lots of beautiful lines and stark descriptions.
I like Boris, he’s got a lot to him in such a short story. He works in a sleazy place and still manages to be respectable. I like the line about the things the girls say.
There was one paragraph about the daughter that I thought could be streamlined in place of something a bit more interesting. Not sure what, of course. Just... something.
I kind of like the very loose interpretation on the theme. He’s an everyday superhero to a couple of drugged out strippers, but probably a bit of a nobody to a lot of other people. Nice idea in that. Great work.
18/20
A Hero's Study
by Flapjack
The opening line, with ‘the’ skin, was a bit confusing. I definitely would change it to ‘his’ skin. There’s no reason to keep that mysterious, and ‘the skin’ is just a bit weird.
Interesting story otherwise, though I wouldn’t really call it a story. It was a bit like a monologue, or felt like part of a much much longer work. Like this might be the prologue, and from there we launch into a story where things happening.
As a main character’s ponderings, I quite liked it. The stilted voice suited what we think the impossibly-intelligent must think/talk like.
I would’ve liked to see the concept brought to life in a scene or two, but I did really like the concept. Good one.
14/20
Schrodinger's Splat
by Chaeronia
I had to read this one twice to get it, which isn’t totally unusual for me when the language is poetic, as yours is (also when I’m trying to do so at work)… I wasn’t sure what to make of it first go through, so I’m glad I read it again.
It may just be personal preference, but the elaborate descriptions of some things, I felt, could be replaced with simpler sentences. Not just to appeal to my simple mind, but also to really highlight your beautiful way with words. As it is there was so much good that it all gets a bit lost.
The actual story was a little bit too back and forward for such a short piece. Although I felt that more the first read through than the second.
Really liked the ending. A bit of a somber entry. Nicely done, thanks for entering.
16/20
Deadly Butter
by InsanityStrickenWriter
Haha, I snickered a fair bit when I finished this one. “Randy fly”, great!
Oh I liked this a lot. Very simple, A-B story, nice developed characters, really light. Perfect for this flash-length.
I felt a little simplification here and there would help, in this bit, where I’ve bolded for example:
The shrieking stopped before the mirror had the chance to crack. Deadly’s mother came running into the hall.
“Simon!” she screamed, fat cheeks filled red, and hair visibly going greyer than it already was.
In a work this short especially (but really, in all writing), the simpler the better. – Obviously that is my opinion. All that said, it didn’t really detract from my enjoyment of the story at all. Really great entry to finish on – Glad you got it in.
Thanks for entering, hopefully we’ll see you again the next round.
17/20
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