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Wow, the Christmas spirit really put a damper on my productivity this round.
And it's all my fault this time, I'd like to thank the judges who were SUPER prompt, and apologise for the delay.
This was a really tough round for us, the entries were so different, and not classic narratives so difficult to score. You'll see there's a lot of variation in there, but isn't that just the beauty of writing and its subjective nature?
Okay. Shut up, Kath.
Here are the results.
In FIRST PLACE we have -- Kat
In SECOND PLACE it's -- apple
And in THIRD PLACE, congratulations -- FalconsHonor
Here's how we got to those results:
Roundeye - 13 + 10 + 16 + 19 = 58 = Average of 14.5
Pandaemonium - 15 + 12 + 19 + 14 = 60 = Average of 15
apple - 16 + 13 + 17 + 18 = 64 = Average of 16
Amber Leaf - 12 + 9 + 15 + 15 = 51 = Average of 12.75
FalconsHonor - 16 + 14 + 15 + 17 = 62 = Average of 15.5
Anna May - 17 + 13 + 17 + 14 = 61 = Average of 15.25
Kat - 19 + 18 + 15 + 15 = 67 = Average of 16.75
And the comments from the judges:
Like a Fox’s Scores
Judge’s Note:
This was tough, guys. Really tough. I think the judges are unanimous in that much at least, if not in anything else.
A great, interesting take on the theme, by all of you.
spider8
Dear Tony
In your opening few lines you do this thing that I’ve been paying extra special attention to lately. Contradictions. “I wasn’t sure whether to respond in kind…. I thought I’d respond in kind.” So for me that read a bit clunky, which you never want at the start. At the same time, this is a voice-piece and people really talk like that, so it stands okay as it is.
I liked the series of reveals in this letter. It catered beautifully to my reader’s curiosity – Trying to put all the pieces of the puzzle together. I’m still not sure what was wrong with Tony. Or why John felt the need to say ‘Go f*ck yourself’ at the end. In fact, I didn’t like that ending. I don’t think it needed it. The anger really wasn’t there in the rest of it, and it fell a bit flat on that line.
I really loved the line I know you exist, so you don’t have to do this.
Judge entry – No Score
RoundEye
This is now our reality
Ah, Tobey. One time I was in a writing class and the teacher told us to write dialogue. I wrote out a ridiculous scene between a brother, sister, and father. I read it for the class and they all had a good laugh. Then I said “This all really happened!” The teacher covered his ears and said “Ack! Don’t ever tell us that.” Since then I’ve always been very discreet in my writing about what comes directly from life and what’s made up. Makes you seem far more creative.
As this is a competition for fiction, I’m going to judge it as that. I hope that sits okay with you.
That said, this read like a real letter. It was all over the place and that really helped portray the emotional state of the letter-writer. From forgiveness to guns, from rage to understanding. The full scope are there in this letter. I think it would benefit from being given more room to breathe, extend it, maybe make a bigger deal out of the emotional flip flopping. Let the letter-writer really get lost on the track of rage, and lull the reader into believing he’s there, and then change it to the understanding tone. That unsettling feeling it would create would be very effective.
The problem with letters as fiction is they can easily become all voice, not much narrative. And that can become a bit too one-note for a reader without any kind of imagery or point A to point B story to follow.
Though I think with an edit and some consideration given to the order in which the information is revealed, that could be rectified. I’m glad this was therapeutic for you.
13/20
Pandaemonium
Girl on train
I liked this one quite a lot. I have no idea why I thought the protagonist was a girl and that she was writing to a boy on the train, considering the very obvious “Dear GIRL on train”… Not one of my brightest moments. Once I got to the end and realised my mistake, I read it again, but you know I think it worked both ways. I was impressed by what a punchy awesome female protag you had. Haha. I think that’s a good thing. Yeah. It is.
I thought the line about electric touch and kissing the soul was lame, even with the disclaimer from the MC, still made me cringe a little. Maybe I just find that stuff spew-worthy no matter what.
I found this funny, good voice. A little clunky here and there (Repition of ‘always’ in the fourth para). Otherwise I marked it down for the same reason I’ve marked down a few entries – I can’t see this. I can’t see anything, it’s all voice. And while I love the voice, even at 650 words it’s not enough to entertain the reader’s mind. I wanted some physical grounding.
15/20
apple
Heartbeats
Really great entry, this one. I loved the wife’s voice, and you managed to create images from her relaying moments with her husband. The lightning, the man strung with grenades. That was really rich.
You tripped me up with the ‘heart raced’ cliché. And I think ‘escapes’ in that same paragraph should’ve been ‘escaped’. No other SPaG nitpicky things aside from those.
I liked the ending. It gave a richness to the beginning that wouldn’t have been achieved otherwise. The loving wife becomes something much more. A resilient woman, clinging to some kind of denial, with her humour and quirky way of remembering things. It’s much more poignant. And when she said ‘just in case’ I thought, ‘Yeah! Maybe he’s not even dead. They can make mistakes.’ So you had me right there with her. A really great entry. I really enjoyed what you managed to do with it.
16/20
Amber Leaf
A reply to a love letter (666 words)
The challenge was for 650 words. We’ve had some issues with word-counters in previous challenges, but the writer should always aim to write to or under the limit.
In the past entrants have been disqualified for entries going over. We won’t do that, but it does lose a few marks from me for that reason.
I liked the overall idea here, but I felt the execution really lacked something. There was a little humour here and there and I think the piece would’ve benefited if that had been amped up a bit, and the ex-lover angle was played with a little more. As it is, I don’t feel like anything new is being brought to the piece with each new paragraph, and because of that the emotional level of the piece kind of flat lines along. There’s no real set up – resolution, or climax. Great idea that could easily be re-worked into something more punchy.
12/20
FalconsHonour
untitled (My darling)
I really liked this entry. You planted a few seeds of intrigue early on. I wasn’t sure why she was sneaking around, or why she was gone, and I wanted to know – of course. I thought she’d left, and come back. I guess I should’ve expected the worst (You maudlin lot). But I didn’t. So when the reveal at the end came, this story had a similar effect to Apple’s, in that the whole thing took on a much bigger meaning with the ending. That’s a really rich experience for a reader. The whole thing pays off so well in the end.
I liked the scenes in this one too, we got a great idea of her character. Perhaps in a rosy light, which came off as alittle conceited from her, but then when I realised she was dead I thought – Good on her, I hope I’m conceited when I’m dead too.
Really great entry. I felt it drag a little in the 5th paragraph, I thought that could be tightened a little, but otherwise, well done.
16/20
Anna May
Reply to an email
Ahh, I loved this. There’s a real story in this piece, a good sense of pacing, timing, voice and a narrative. That’s really impressive in the letter format. Or email. There’s a nice feeling of resignation and someone moving on here. There’s bitterness, sure, but it feels like a healthy brand, not too painful to read, not too much.
I like the voice of the woman, she had an affair but I don’t hate her for it. And her interaction with the wife is really great, you see she’s not a terrible person. And I believe that she was caught up in a bubble, a forced reality because she wanted something. This is the haze clearing, and you’ve done that perfectly.
I would probably tighten this a bit, there are bits where it’s a bit too much reiteration. Some memories of scenes could work well. Remembering something he said specifically, mayeb some dialogue.
Overall though, one of my favourites.
17/20
Kat
A Hard Lesson
This was my favourite of the bunch. So much was achieved with so few words, and I definitely commend that. There’s a lot to be said for tightening something to this point.
There was a real sense of poetry here. You managed to achieve the feeling of time passing beautifully, all the categorising of how well they know each other maybe was what did that so well.
The ‘But’ in this one towards the end is perfect, you build one idea of this couple, and the cripple it. I also like how much room you’ve left for reader interpretation. Maybe she’s wrong and he does love her, there’s nothing to imply he doesn’t. That adds a kind of sadness, and a really great response from a reader. That curiosity makes this memorable long after reading.
19/20
ppsage’s Scores
Not at all an easy batch to judge and I don't know that I'd
reach these same results on a second trial. There is much to
savor in them all. The prompt posed special problems of
characterization and narrative and most entries seemed to
slight one side or the other, but with high cards in their
strong suit.
spider8 (judge)
untitled (Dear Tony)
I like the way this polite gent has to have such a long windup
to say fuck off. I think that works. I also think the notion
of this obliviousness to the gayness works but feel like it
needs some kind of tweek, maybe a subtle but definate,
foreshadow, in the implimentation.
This line didn't scan for me, either voicewise or literally:
"In common, we both mutually love so many things."
This one's judge ineligible but I'd give it maybe 25/20 or so.
RoundEye
This is now our reality
Most of the entries have taken the prompt literally and made
their narrative pretext an actual reply to an actual letter
and this one sort of does too I think but it really needs to
make that more explicit right off so the reader isn't beset
with initial confusion.
As a judge it's a little difficult to be given something with
is so obviously a real life therapudic and asked to judge it
as prose composition. There is trememdous emotional power here
and potential probably for story in line with the prompt but
this isn't yet doing it for me. I never really find out what
this text actually is, the narrative jumps out in a dozen
important directions without following up much and in the end
I'm kind of just glad it's over. I think this is definately
worth reworking.
10/20
Like a Fox (judge)
Thanks
Whoa! In a tiny little piece this does it all. I think it
would be wise if we made you judge for life and never had you
to compete against. Had a cat named Roger once. He bite me
viciously and unpredictably and often and gave me poison blood
once when he hit a vein with his infectious tooth.
This one's judge ineligible but I'd give it maybe 28/20 or so.
Pandaemonium
Girl on train
This is a sweet premise but it has a big drawback in that the
reader is likely to be more interested in her letter than in
the reply. The flinchinly cheesy line is great but then the
immediate descent into nose wipes and yogurt stains is kinda
disappointing. Man up dude. Or, if his wimpness is to be the
point, maybe less is more and as a twist? I do like this voice
and think with some editting and changing of the emphasis this
could end up being pantspee hilarious.
I kind of have too seeing = have to
On a scale of One to My face, how red was my face? =
capitalization issues
relationship...? elipsis = useless, sentence over
12/20
apple
Heartbeats
Another very clever premise. A little too vanilla, in the
execution, for my personal taste. Seems to cry for just that
dash of horror, fantasy or SF to zest it up. Even putting that
aside, it looks to me that there's room for a bit further
characterization and especially some slight foreshadowing to
make the reader a bit quizzical.
13/20
Amber Leaf
A reply to a love letter (666 words)
While this is perhaps perfectly acceptable as an episilory
communication, I'm finding it completely devoid of specific
narrative. Given the prompt this may be understandable, but I
can't find anything to hold a reader if the action is all
generality and no detail.
"You really are the most narcissistic being I have never
encountered. The only thing about you that amazes me is that
you had to get another man to write to me." I want this to say
he's SO narcissistic that etc.
9/20
FalconsHonour
untitled (My darling)
This entry is full of story, maybe a little rushed by the word
count. So the payoff kind of tumbles out in a data dump. Might
think about moving the "I wish you'd care" paragraph to be the
ending and encorporating her demise earlier and more
homogeniously to make it a bit less trickend because the story
touches deeply and should perhaps leave more substantially on
that note. I like the insinuation of character made by the
initial rambling on.
14/20
Anna May
Reply to an email
I end up, despite what I think the story is telling me, rather
unsympathetic to Kate, who I'm reading as something of a
complete ditz. That she's just too ambiguously drawn for me to
be conclusive is a weakness in a short piece. There is strong
story here to build on.
13/20
Kat
A Hard Lesson
A very nice story in terms of language, description and
detail, which are important to me. This is a story which
leaves a sensible mark. It hit's deeper than intellectually.
Poetic maybe I'm saying. I like the way the narratoer lets me
inside, the courage she shows copping to the Diana thing. I
would consider it helpful to show the narrator physically and
maybe chronologically just a bit more, although a freckled
spine is maybe more than I deserve. Also just a hint as to
which particular aspect of her heart is broken at the end.
18/20
Bruno Spoatola’s Scores
Untitled
spider8
I didn't really understand this to be honest. There were too many unanswered questions for me to be interested, and it felt like a chore to read. The fact Tony is disabled added absolutely nothing to it either, and I was waiting for that to hold some significance later in the letter, but the moment never came; it felt unnecessary and tacked on for effect. “You are a wonderful person” followed by “Go fuck yourself” confused me more, because then I wasn't sure if the whole letter was some sort of cruel comeback, if this last part was a joke they used to share or anything. "You're a wonderful person", "this has nothing to do with your disability", "I feel you could become the best friend I ever had", "LEAVE ME ALONE", "go fuck yourself". It's funny, don't get me wrong, but it's hard to tell if this was all intentional. Even if it was, I'm still confused. It all seems to clash somehow.
It could have done with another few hundred words, because it's way too short and vague for me to care, as it is now. You have no control over the word count, but it feels unfinished. Maybe I'm missing the whole point. I accept this is a letter to somebody else, I won't understand everything, but I'm the reader.
Didn't have much of an impact on me, sadly.
This is now our reality
RoundEye
This sounded honest and from the heart. It was quite bitter, but the emotion still came through strongly. Anger, sadness, contempt, disappointment, acceptance; it all made for a well-rounded and fascinating read, despite being candid and overly-aggressive in places. (Those aren't bad things as such)
I felt the fact that you named the disease was a bit unneccessary. . .leaving that part out would have made it more intriguing and ambiguous; same with “I can go absolutely apeshit at any moment.” I don't think you need to mention this because, not mentioning it would have made it subtle and un-nerving. The mention of guns and such made it very clear how you felt. Delving any deeper than that was slightly excessive in my opinion. A small gripe, because you can't re-write how you feel just because it removes some ambiguity.
“With the love for you that is left” was a fitting end, although it did leave a bitter taste in my mouth. It was a shame it ended this way at the same time. . . hard to say anything more.
A sad tale, but well written overall.
16/20
Thanks
Like a Fox
An enjoyable insight into someone's (seemingly) dull life, where even the cat doesn't appear to give a damn about them. Sort of tragic. . .in a funny way though. Very good.
Just reading the character's little neurosis, like not wanting to appear eager by replying to a message too quickly made me smile, and I felt bad for her misfortune, even though she had it coming. She comes across as an insecure child with pretty poor judgement, but ultimately – strangely – totally loveable.
Great imagery too. I genuinely cringed and shuddered on more than one occasion. There's a certain amount of vividity to your description that just jumps out at me, like I have 3D specs on.
It was easy as pie to read. Smooth and well-paced. It doesn't look like the 650 word count hindered this story in any way, which is always good.
The only criticism I'd give is, there's nothing bad enough to criticize. Damn you!
So yeah. . .I kinda liked it. It's put me right off having that affair though, so thanks a bunch.
Untitled
Pandaemonium
My personal favourite, really enjoyed it! It made me smile many times, and even though the characters aren't really developed (it's a letter after all), I felt for them; very likeable and seemingly a perfect match, in a weird way.
The length this girl has gone to to get this guy's attention is scary yet sweet, irrational but understandable. I've actually experienced something similar to an extent, and you've captured it quite faithfully. Despite all the good stuff, it left me feeling sad. I get the feeling they never have the courage to face each other and end up going through life, wondering what could have been had they been braver. That's a good thing of course. It leaves it open to interpretation, and I was pondering their situation long after I stopped reading.
The story itself isn't very new. Girl likes boy, boy likes girl, too shy to confront each other, communicate their feelings via other means etc. It's the way you told it that stopped it from being a cliché, and you told it well.
“Girl on train” and “Guy on train” gave it that extra uniquity too. Nice little touches like this throughout made it stand out, for me.
An amusing and intriguing story, good stuff. It'd make a great short story or film.
19/20
Heartbeats
apple
“I thought this was a bit too over-the-top. It felt like I was watching a perfume advert, and I couldn't get much from it. There was nothing to draw me in or entertain me, no story to unfold or discover, just a love letter from a wife with no real conclusion or meaning.”
That's what I thought before I read he had gone to war and died. . .then it totally changed from OTT, soppy love to the heart-felt sentiments of a widow. I don't know if it was intentional. . .the way this caught me off guard was a genuine shock, but a good one.
It's almost like you tried to re-create that same shock his wife experienced after reading of his death, and I'd say you did it well. What was a silly perfume advert to me earlier became a lovely sort of homage to a deceased partner, killed in action. It's not often that my opinion of a piece of writing changes so abruptly that far in.
It still felt slightly over-the-top in places. She seemed a bit too comfortable with his death, and her actual grief didn't really seep through much, for me. I'd be totally devasted, and my choice of words would reveal that, had I written a genuine letter.
So while it wasn't perfect, it was still sweet and well written.
17/20
A reply to a love letter
Amber Leaf
This read more like a rant than a letter. I agree with a lot of it, but it just felt like an excuse to have a go at something you don't believe in. If I've miscontrued this I apologize, but that's how it came across.
It's written well, and I can feel the disappointment and rage in the words, but how this relates to “Reply to a Love Letter” is what's confusing me most of all. It basically read like a list of reasons why you don't believe in god, and that does nothing for me to be honest.
It's not bad at all, but I think it's out of place, and that marred it. I can't say much more than that I'm afraid.
15/20
Untitled
FalconsHonour
Good, but a little obvious and lacking something. I knew it wasn't going to end well too soon into the letter, which sort of spoiled the mood after I'd finished reading. I was thinking “Oh. . .well someone's dead, or dying”, and it shouldn't be so obvious. It felt too much like a letter rather than a story, in my opinion; you didn't tell the story.
“I wish you'd. . .”, “I wish I could be there. . .”, “I wish I could lie beside you. . .”, it started getting a bit tedious towards the end. I mean that in the nicest way possible, because these are nice things to say in a real letter, but I'm reviewing a story, not a letter, and as a story it doesn't work for me.
It refers to many things that have happened in the past between the couple, but we don't really explore any deeper. This has a word limit, I understand that, but it felt like I was only getting the headlines, and that made it tricky to connect.
You could have written around a few key parts, like the accident and the husband's drinking etc, then it would have felt more focused. Her love shines through, but the story fades away.
A well written letter, but didn't leave an impression on me story-wise.
15/20
Reply to an email
Anna May
This was fun and sad.
I like how you were a bit different and wrote it as an email. . .I would personally never write things this important and sentimental in an email; Kate seems more the face-to-face kind of person, so this clashes with her character a litte I think, but that's a small issue. Even though it was just an email, the story didn't suffer because of it.
Kate is a likeable character; spunky but naïve, and you did well to develop her like this in such few words. I genuinely felt sorry and wanted to comfort her, so you did well there; very realistic I thought.
There's nothing to criticize as such, but it was a tad cliché. I've heard this story many times before, it happens all the time, so it wasn't the most creative piece I've read by a long shot.
You could have made it stand out more with something unique, put a twist on a banal plot, spice it up a bit.
Not much more to say than: It was an enjoyable, well-rounded little tale that could have done with another ingredient or two added to the recipe.
17/20
A Hard Lesson
Kat
This didn't do much for me. It came across as too. . .effusive, a little too gushy. “He wrote odes to my lips, sonnets to my skin and limericks to my laugh.” That isn't a criticism of your writing, just a case of “not my cup of tea.”
The story didn't seem to go anywhere interesting. Most of it was just your main character talking about the things her and her lover knew or didn't know about each other, and that didn't captivate me. You're a good writer, but I had difficulty getting through this particular piece; nothing grabbed me or made me feel immersed, and before I knew it, it'd finished.
Where his grandmother died could've been really intriguing. I wanted to delve into his mind, but it ended up not going anywhere. You describe their traits, but not deeply enough to make me care; I feel like I barely scratched the surface.
I got the before and the after, but not the inbetween. There's something missing, or again, maybe I'm missing something.
There's some beautiful and poetic stuff here, don't think I'm being overly-critical, but it gets lost in an equal amount that's null, in my opinion. I think it's a bit convoluted is all. Most of what's written could have been streamlined for much better effect.
Still, I can see this being excellent with some tinkering, despite my totally evil comments.
15/20
spider8’s Scores
This is Now Our Reality by Roundeye
This really hurt on a first read. It’s difficult for it not to hurt when I knew someone in that situation. There’s a tragic beauty to the letter. The honesty, love and hate, sense of betrayal, the fight against bitterness, the reality of it all. You’ve packed a heck of a punch into a short space. It’s astonishing to get so many emotions in. I like how the letter seemed to evolve and change. I shouldn’t get bored or distracted over 600 words but that’s easier said than done, and you pulled it off, kept me in there the whole time. Great stuff.
There’s one or two careless mistakes i.e. ‘feature life’s endeavourers’ instead of ‘future…endeavours’. Also, ‘you’ll find somebody else. I’ve known the guy you are with…’ feels contradictory, and ‘…Jay, he’s our son.’ is surely superfluous. I’ve docked you a point for these little nitpicks. So close to perfection…
19/20
Thanks by Like a Fox
Perhaps it’s not your fault that I’m not really ‘with it’ and when the phone goes, I generally go off to listen rather than to read it. Then you seemed to be typing into a screen but using the word ‘phone’. I found this a bit distracting and had to read it again, then got distracted by the same thing again. Then I had that eureka moment when I realised that you were talking about mobile phones. I didn’t like ‘paused the vacuum’ it just felt wrong. I’d have paused a game, or just paused for a moment (while vacuuming). This was a shame because I really liked the idea of the character stubbornly continuing with the vacuuming, and then later saying ‘Who cares’. Aaah! Good stuff, though. I liked the arrival of Roger towards the end. I liked the use of ‘Bubba’. The narrator talking to me didn’t really work for me, perhaps because I’m a man, though I did like the freshness of that.
Sending just ‘Thanks’ died a bit for me. I could have done with a reminder on what the thanks was for, had to search back. Though I was expecting the ‘rant’ to be accidentally sent, but of course, that would have been predictable. I wasn’t keen on that last sentence. Roger’s a cat and so cannot talk. You can include the word purrfect in some other way, surely.
That little interaction between Bubba, the room-mate, her and the man gave this a good bit of depth.
Girl on a Train by Pandaemonium
You did well enough with most of this to make me think it should have been even better. There are things like ‘On a scale of one to My Face, how red was my face?’ that kicked me out a bit. Because of your ‘voice’, photo and the title, I thought the narrator was a girl. I don’t know if you meant this deception and that the ending was supposed to be the twist. I found the whole premise difficult to believe. When thinking about it whilst reading, I had far too many questions flitting through my mind. Like, have they chatted at all? If he sounds ‘incredibly interesting’ (remember at this stage I thought she was a he and vice-versa) is that from the letter or the chat? Why would a bloke steal tissues? And now looking back, if the thief is a girl, why would the bloke carry a zipped bag with tissues. Why did the guy feel the need to explain the stain to everyone? Overall, a nice idea though, with a nice style of writing. Could do with extra clarity.
14/20
Heartbeats by Apple.
What a sad but beautiful little letter (and idea). At first I thought it was too luvvy- duvvy, but the ultra superb ending changed all that and had me reading back with different eyes. Sad to think that this scenario must have actually happened. You probably have the best idea from the prompt here, I’m glad your writing and imagination did it justice, though I found ‘Your Wife’ at the end a bit abrupt. If I was judging on a second read you’d get an extra point. I hope I’m not being unfair.
18/20
Lord! by Amber Leaf
Hmmm, this had me smiling all the way through, very clever. I did feel during the course of it, that it was just going on for too long, and for me, could do with losing perhaps a 100 words. Some of it feels repetitive. It’s a good thing that it was well written (excellently written). The thought did occur that the author is some kind of madman, insightful and yet illogical (as in actually composing the letter). I enjoyed it though which is the most important thing, even though I ‘got it’ a long way before the end. The lack of a twist, and my being unable to see this as a reply, cost you a couple of points. I had a pleasant feeling of déjà vu whilst reading, well done on that. I made it 662 words. It wouldn’t have taken much work to get it down to 650 or under, so I’m docking yet another point for that.
15/20
My Darling by Falconshonour
This is a nice story, beautifully written. I felt quite early on that the author of it was dead, willed the suspension of disbelief, and it didn’t disappoint. The man drinking too much to cope with his grief saddened me suitably. There were one or two places that lost you Writer’s Authority, i.e.’I wish you’d care about something – anything — that isn’t me.’ I think ‘…to do with me.’ Would be clearer. But it’s great to read yet another emotive story. Similar, in a way, to Apple’s but lacked the same punch because I saw it coming.
17/20
Reply to an Email by Anna May.
Firstly the nitpicks:
‘…and I followed her.[new para] You know what’s funny? When we met,’ Because you end the first sentence with ‘her’, I thought you were then saying you met the wife, not the husband. ‘When I met you…’ would sort that out.
‘One word let to another…’
In the end I didn’t like the final sentence (‘Sorry for everything.’) because the author of the letter seems too angry for an apology.
I enjoyed your entry but it seemed to fizzle out at the end after the early promise. The ‘…lack of balls…’ part gives your piece a lot of life early on.
I felt the wife was intrusive in the story and got in the way.
I don’t think the ambiguous nature of the author feeling both of them are at fault helped the strength of it.
14/20
A Hard Lesson by Kat
This was my hardest story to comment on because I liked and disliked it at the same time.
I found the opening enjoyably descriptive, not too little, not too much. It’s a great idea too (especially the ending). On the one hand I understand the man’s attitude but although a small part of me does find it a teeny bit offensive – not offensive enough to merit the narrator’s attitude though. He is an animal, after all.
I like the way you listed that he was more than just a body to the narrator, before you listed that he saw the narrator as really just a body. It’s the sort of thing I like to write myself. Though part of me finished disliking the narrator, not sure if that was intentional (it didn’t help, spoiled it for me).
Well done overall though.
15/20
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