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So, here we have the results of our most recent LM challenge.
After a lot of hype in the Coffee Shop regarding the theme, we only managed to get four entries this time around, which makes things a bit easier for the judges, I admit, but we love to see your entries, so if you missed the date, or didn’t get around to writing anything for this one – be sure to try again next time!
Anyway, enough of that. I’d like to thank Kat for the picture prompt we used and thanks to Eluixa, Bruno Spatola and Hawke (who has filled in for Foxee), for judging this round.
Now I’ll announce the winners, including the scoring maths, and then the comments from each judge.
Congratulations to everyone for participating.
So the WINNER for this round is spider8 for his excellent story – Intuition.
In SECOND place we have apple with her amusing story Trussed in a Foreign Land
And taking in THIRD is MJ Preston for Vonnegut.
Congratulations to all who entered. You did a great job.
Now below you’ll see how we judges came to our conclusions.
And I really hope you all take the time to read the comments. All the judges really went above and beyond this time to offer helpful critique.
Scoring
Vonnegut MJ Preston 13 + 17 + 16 + 15 = 61 = Average 15.25
Intuition spider8 17 + 18 + 17 + 19 = 71 = Average 17.75
A Trumpet for a Drummer Acanro Seer 9 + 11 + 13 + 13 = 46 = Average 11.5
Trussed in a Foreign Land apple 17 + 18 + 18 + 17 = 70 = Average 17.5
***
Bruno Spatola’s Scores
Vonnegut
MJ Preston
I could see where you were going with this, but I think it lacked the depth and mood to create the effect that was intended. The way David spoke and thought about his brother Billy gave the ending away far too soon, and I realized very early on that he wasn't going to make it out alive, which made it have much less of an impact than it should've; bit of an anti-climax. The dialogue came across as wooden, and not once did it feel like they were brothers, to me. Their personalities seemed to be missing, or at least misplaced. I found it very difficult to care about them. Much of that can be attributed to length I'm sure. Still, I couldn't help but feel very aware I was reading a story, and a heavily trimmed one, especially after Billy was murdered. There was nothing driving the story along, we just seemed to go from point A to point B in a straight line. There were a few mistakes, repeated words, unnecessary punctuation, missing punctuation, an out of place tense shift, “your” instead of “you're” etc. These errors were enough to break the flow at times, but didn't do much harm. With a lot more of everything I can see this being good, but in its current form, it left me feeling cold.
13/20
Intuition
spider8
I enjoyed this. On paper, the plot of someone trying to finish a book in time to see a play that's based on it isn't very interesting at all, but you wrote it in such a way that held my interest any way, and that alone impressed. I liked your characters, especially Pater who I feel could have been expanded upon more. . .but taking the 650 word limit into account, you did well to make him stand out at all considering his very brief involvement. I would like to hear more of his wisdom if you plan on turning this into a short story. Your main character was likeable, more child-like than Pater with a mischievous streak in him, and the ending made me smile, although I could see it coming. I couldn't connect too strongly with him, but I'm sure I would have if this was part of something bigger. As I said, the story isn't exactly interesting in my opinion. It felt more like a small side-story, which isn't a criticism exactly, more of an observation. So while it was good and I enjoyed it, I think it would benefit greatly from a “director's cut”, if that makes sense. A much longer and more fleshed out piece would do it justice, but as I said, you did very well with the word cap that was given. It's fine as it is, it just feels like something is missing that's all. It was perfectly written too, I could only spot one mistake before which was “Wtach her get undressed”, but you fixed that. I'd like to see what will become of this if you decide to work on it some more. Good stuff.
17/20
Trumpet for a Drummer
Acanro Seer
This was tough. You switch tenses too often for it to be intentional, there are missing words, many spelling errors and an obvious lack of punctuation. Far too many to ignore, and it was almost incoherent at times, to be totally frank. It sounds like you don't know what a lot of the words you used actually mean. I mean no disrespect, but it was a bit of a mess, and very hard to read. If this was in the writers' workshop, I'd go more in-depth and point out what it is exactly I'm referring to, but I feel this isn't the right place. As for the story. . .it's hard to care about the character and what's happening to him when his tale is told in such a way. Under different circumstances I can see this being a poignant story. I can tell you wrote this from the heart, don't get me wrong, but it's fundamentally broken. I've mainly focused on the grammar because once you have that part of your writing down, it makes it so much easier to both read and write. Keep at it because I know there is a good story here.
9/20
Trussed in a Foreign Land
apple
Had great fun reading this. Some nice imagery without being wordy or longwinded, just the right amount. Some of the “sexy” bits made me blush though, and I couldn't relate to them all that much, making it a bit awkward to read, but that's not necessarily a bad thing, just my own little neurosis. Another thing is, the fact this all happened in Russia seemed more like a random choice than anything else, because this could have worked if it was in Germany, Finland, or any number of countries with a few different cultural references thrown in. There was nothing that gave it a Russian vibe is what I'm saying; Vodka and funny writing isn't enough, but considering the 650 word limit, I won't hold that against you. Maybe this was intentional, I still really enjoyed it. There was an air of innocence and naivety about your character and she was very likeable. So yeah, it's hard to say a bad word against it. It didn't feel like you cut bits out to make it fit, and it was a well rounded little tale with no loose ends left to tie up. There were a few niggles as I mentioned, but I don't think they are significant enough to warrant me knocking points off. Well written, amusing, nice style and overall, a joy to read. Simple n' fun, well done.
17/20
***
Eluixa’s Scores
Again, I love to read your contributions! Thank you!
Vonnegut
By MJ Preston
17/20
The love and admiration for a brightly made boy shines through. The irony in what the youngster was reading [though I had to look it up, having never read it] takes this little story to a higher place, somewhere to sit and think things through. I found the title of the book ironic even before researching though and it works somewhat differently but is great both ways. In fact I wonder, if the older brother saw the irony as I first did, ignorant of the plot.
I understood that David was not quick, but his mistakes did not seem consistent in the story. A few blunders and then his writing/thinking is really clear? I would opt for more of a pattern in his character, in his style of speech if he can barely string two sentences together. I found a few grammar and spelling hiccups, but not many.
A beloved life snuffed and the meaning of love realized. Your story packs a punch for it’s size and I enjoyed the provocation. I could relate to the storyteller. Good work.
Intuition
By Spider8
18/20
This just got better each time I read it. I like your writing style, precise and clean and found it funny the way his boyish nature took him over. At first I thought you needed a better description of her, but not so sure anymore as I think his actions say enough after all.
The last two lines did not quite jive for me. I think you could play with the last a bit more.
The telling of his eating up the book just as fast as he could, and the relationship with his father, lend much to the story.
18/20
The Trumpet for a Drummer
By Acanro Seer
11/20
One of the hardest things I’ve found in writing is that the reader can’t read my mind, and so if I can’t make myself clearly understood, I will lose my reader. My initial impression is that you need to slow down. Secondly, it is especially important that you reread your own work, several times, correcting spelling, grammar and missing words as you go along and when in doubt, use your search engines [Roald Dah’l].
I can see and feel pieces and parts of your world, but for such a small piece it seems to me flung far and wide and kind of choppy and disconnected. The part that interested me most and that I could see expanded was the walking through the war torn city, and hearing Anthony’s thoughts. A lot of potential for a character study in your story, though I think it would be somewhat bigger than the chunk of words afforded you here. Keep at it!
Trussed In A Foreign Land
By apple
18/20
Big points for your comedic take on the photo! I was totally there and laughed and cringed accordingly. Zherebets, haha, thanks for that!
I was not sure about some of your grammar and word choices; a few commas that had me stumble rather than pause and a few curious sentences that had me rereading them and trying to figure out what was catching me. Not wrong necessarily, but not always smooth. Happy to take time later to show you what I meant, via pm, if you’d like. Story came off very well, regardless.
What a fun read and keep the laughs coming!
***
Hawke’s Scores
I just wanted to thank the entrants for the super reads. Much appreciated.
Vonnegut - MJ Preston – 16/20
Nits: alley way = alleyway; engrossed in paperback = missing word (a); “… be a writer David,” = writer, David; … what kind yet,” he’d smile dreamily. = can’t smile dialogue, so suggest he‘d say, smiling dreamily or something; “Your going to be unemployed = You’re (you are); “One more page,” He smiles back at me. = “One more page.” He smiles back at me.; semicolon use; comma use; dialogue tags; etc.
Nits always throw me out of a work. Kudos for Vonnegut and anything to do with Slaughterhouse Five. Very sad story, this. Good work. Kind of felt like what happened to the brother was tacked on, you know? Might have to do with the low word count though. I’d like to see this extended.
Intuition - spider8 – 17/20
Nits: Deutschmarks (spelling); watch your semicolon use; Dammit; midday.
My w/c says 658, but it might be off so I’ll take your word for it. Cute story, by the way. Liked the twist at the end. Good work.
The Trumpet for a Drummer - Acanro Seer – 13/20
Nits: a few missing commas and a few extra commas; missing words; tense mix-ups; you got make ends = missing word; “Well Father”, Anthony said, “Where are…” = “Well, Father,” Anthony said, “where are…” and suggest it should be the start of a new paragraph; How they ache = either ached or How they’d ache- watch your tenses; How they ache when one of their comrades would pass like a flame to a candle. = this sentence needs restructuring; happen = happens, etc., etc. I find reading work out loud helps with editing.
Either your word counter is off, or mine is. You’ve listed 650. Mine says it’s 699, so my score is going to reflect that by -1. If this were any other writing contest, an entry that exceeds the limit, even by a single word, would be disqualified outright—something to keep in mind for future challenges.
I get where you were going with this story. Unfortunately, the nits kept throwing me out of the work.
Trussed In A Foreign Land - apple 18/20
That was a really fun read. I’m such a sucker for humor, especially one I can relate to. Not that I’ve ever been to Russia or have had to use a translation manual. But I do have very bad luck at times, so this was something I could relate to as a “Now that would be my luck!” Good stuff. Good imagery. Thank you for the read. I’m still smiling.
***
Like a Fox’s Scores
Vonnegut
by MJ Preston
I like the setup and resolution of this story. That kind of structure works really well on an emotional level for the reader. We are totally there with the narrator, who is seeing his brother in probably slightly unrealistic favour because he’s remembering him fondly.
I thought the second half of the story, with all the details of how Billy died were very well done. All those names, and the clinical recounting of how and where he was stabbed, it echoed a police report, which I think serves to show us the brother’s detachment, which kinda makes the sense of grief and loss all the stronger.
I thought the first half was a little weak. The dialogue felt stilted. People in general and brothers especially, wouldn’t say each other’s names so much. I think some more visuals in this scene would also really enrich it. You’re trying there, to capture this perfect moment, and I really want to be IN that scene, which increases the emotional impact later.
I liked it. I think it’s the good skeleton of a really great short, but I think you could fatten it up some and really hope you do
Score - 15 out of 20
***
Intuition
by spider8
My favourite story easily, spider. Humour can often have the affect of pulling the wool over the audience eye (or so I think, as an almost solely humour-writer), but here you’ve been really clever with it, and it’s not just that it’s funny, but that it’s bright.
I love an unexpected turn, and when your MC says “Yes I’d like that,” I laughed out loud. You’d left his character vague enough at that point that I would’ve believe him to go either way. And even then at the end, I still think he’s this sweet naïve thing, until he takes his 20 to the lady of the night.
Really great, I felt the sense of place, loved the internal conflict. Overall, really well done, you took this a long way.
Score - 19 out of 20
***
A Trumpet for a Drummer
by Acanro Seer
There were a lot of things to like in this story. My favourite passage especially, starting with And the world was deserted, scorched, and broken… On my paper copy that I read as I judged, I put two big ticks alongside it. That passage makes me think that your prose will be always poetic.
I’m not sure if English is your first language. Some of the errors I caught throughout are really to do with tense, and they remind me of the sort of mistakes I make when I write in French. Either way, it will really help your writing if you can learn as many grammar rules as possible early on. I believe I’ve seen around the forum you’re just starting out, and I think you have beautiful ideas and you just need to fine tune your expression of these ideas.
Score - 13 out of 20
***
Trussed in a Foreign Land
by apple
Haha, wonderful. Yours was my favourite interpretation of the prompt. I like the progression of the story, we’re really taken on a ride with her thought train. I felt you were almost going to go into 2nd person POV there. Which for whatever reason I really love when it’s done well. Not that I think you should change it, though it’d be interesting. It’d kinda read like a spoof of a Lonely Planet article.
It’s weakness, I find, is that I can only really hear this story. It’s so stream of consciousness that I don’t really feel I’m there in the scene at any stage. It’s almost a monologue that could be spoken aloud. Especially with all the language-based jokes. Although those jokes worked perfectly even though I don’t know the translations. You did that beautifully.
A fun entry. Thanks!
Score - 17 out of twenty
And that’s it for this round!
We’ll see you next time
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