Thread: 8/14/2010 - LM - A Blind Date with the Devil - SCORES

Alrighty!
The results are in for our most recent LM - A Blind Date with the Devil

Blind Date with the Devil - Bruno Spatola
16 17 17 18 - Average - 17
In Limbo - funnygirl
17 15 17 15 - Average - 16
Charmed, I’m Sure - defenstrator
20 18 15 13 - Average - 16.5
Myself, Am Hell - alanmt
19 19 17 19 - Average - 18.5
Wilting Flower - Mike
20 18 14 17 - Average - 17.25
Blind Date with the Devil - K3ng
14 16 16 14 - Average - 15
“...there is some sh*t I will not eat.” - Leyline
20 19 18 20 - Average - 19.25
The Man Called Changsai - garza
18 16 16 16 - Average - 16.5
Genus: Dateous Terribulous - ppsage
16 17 18 15 - Average - 16.5

Please help me in congratulating our winners!

In first place is Leyline, second place goes to alanmt, and in third is Mike.
Well done, boys!!

And really a big congratulations to everyone who entered - That was a terrific prompt (Thanks to Dreamworx), eight terrific entries, and three excellent judges who were totally on the ball, and thorough. (Oh, and me - who is doing this at 4am, so if anyone notices any errors, let me know.)

Thanks for joining us folks, we’ll see you for the next round, coming soon.
And here are the individual judge's scores and comments.




***


Dreamworx95’s Scores


Blind Date with the Devil - Bruno Spatola
During the part where's he's convincing her to jump out the window it sounds like he's controlling her mind or something, the way she repeats everything he says, and that was pretty interesting. I wish we could have known who this 'he' was. I'm assuming he was an ex-boyfriend or something, but I guess the readers can draw their own conclusions, so that's impressive how you left it open to interpretation. There were some grammar errors I ran into along the way though. Not sure why you had 'peaches' and all those other words capitalized. I went back and tried to figure out why you put those capitals there if you did it on purpose. I'm guessing you didn't.
16/20

In Limbo - funnygirl
I liked this one a lot. I’ll admit there were parts where I thought the dialogue was pretty cliche, but in the end you pulled it off really well and you made me laugh. You got creative with this in making the devil’s job a sign up thing and I like that. Gerald is a funny and likable character. There were a few things wrong with this grammar and spelling-wise. “Gabrielle’ is actually a girl’s name. It’s spelled ‘Gabriel’ for boys.
17/20

Charmed, I’m Sure - defenestrator
This was very good I couldn’t find anything wrong with it grammar wise, so I had an easy time reading it. It’s written very well, and I like that you established the story through the narrative without a lot of dialogue. I just knew the date couldn’t have possibly been as perfect as it seemed, and the last sentence left me wondering what he’d done to the chocolate. Overall, it made me want to read more. See if the chocolate was poisoned or made her grow horns on her face or gave her hairy eyeballs or something. Great job.
20/20

Myself am Hell - alanmt
Haha, this was very entertaining. The guy is a topnotch sinner. He could sure be the devil if he wanted to. Only thing I'd criticize is use of commas where there should be periods. Otherwise, this was fantastic.
19/20

Wilting Flower - Mike
This is a very powerful story for such a small piece. I admire that you're able to capture that kind of emotion in a short amount of words. I can't do that. I like the way you started the story off with the interesting description of his smile pulling at her. Your way of desribing things throughout the story kept things interesting and gave a unique flair to the writing. So, all in all, this was marvelous.
20/20

Blind Date with the Devil - k3ng
Hmm. Well I will say that this was a very easy read. I like that you established the story without any narrative. The story has potential, I think, but you didn't really reach it fully here. I found myself just wanting to know what the devil wanted from the dude, and I was waiting for the date to happen so I could have found out. I was disappointed that it didn't happen like that.
14/20

"...there is some sh*t i will not eat." - Leyline
Haha, she's a charmer, isn't she? I like the MC. I would have told her to stick it, too. Very creative, and very entertaining.
20/20

Man Called Changsai - Garza
It's apparent that this was very well thought out. It kind of confused me at the end there though. I had to go back and reread it. I think the dialogue was what got me. At one point it wasn't clear who was talking. The story itself is good. There wasn't a lot of detail or narrative but that's okay because you had the characters tell the story. I also got the feeling that there was more to Aron than meets the eye, but I like that you didn't give away too much.
18/20

Genus: dateous terribulous - ppsage
This was really intriguing, although there were some parts that got me, and I had to go back and read over them. I like Mamma Grizzly and her antics. I have to admit, I don't quite understand the whole story (I know, I'm really slow) even though I went back and tried to figure some things out. Some of your word choices made me cock my head and wonder just what exactly was going on. I don't know, maybe your writing is meant for a higher level of thinking?
16/20



***

Eluixa’s Scores
I truly enjoyed reading and rereading [cut and paste rereading several more times] each one! Thank you all that contributed!


A Blind Date with the Devil
Bruno Spatola
Your devil hit home. Your story is clean, and easy to move through with the exception of the middle line that separates the perspective from Melvin to Luna. I read it many times but am still not understanding the references or quite what happened. I believe they’d have gone on well, except that they both allowed the tormenter its power over them, regardless of what appeared to be shared compatibility and interest. I wonder if Mel ‘went home’ first? A hard story, but I commend you on your interpretation and truly felt for your characters.
17/20

IN LIMBO
funnygirl
An amusing swap from what we think of as a powerful entity to a pathetic peon and he appears to be the one suffering most here, nice twist. I liked his honesty and ill fated misery. His character, overwhelmed and subdued, worked quite well. Did not quite get where he said ‘Don’t forget on the date of you life’. Did she take someone else out dying? It read well and kept me going, spaced nicely, but missed a little in punctuation.
Score 16/20

Charmed, I’m Sure
defenestrator
Short, sweet, smooth and eloquent. This little slice made me smile. The dominance and subversion is subtle and effective. I think most women can relate to this tasty little morsel.
Score 18/20

Myself am Hell
alanmt
Mighty cruel, mighty slick, and funny. Quite effective and I can feel the war within, that he’s losing, almost understand his reasoning, and yet his choices are as likely to destroy him as anyone else in his path. Just about dropped my jaw at the whole Home for abused children lie, wanting to smack her upside the head for believing that, but sadly knowing such obvious ploys do in fact work and too often. Kudos for the emotional maelstrom just beneath the surface, of anger, defiance, and well hidden sorrow. I thought this was very well done. Extra for the impact.
Score 19/20

Wilting Flower
Mike
I find the first two sentences awkward, but it gets much better and quickly. Her takedown was thorough, and at first I thought it too much that he hinted at his nature with the comments on her tits and ass, but found it worked after all. Even as she surrenders, she knows he is bad news long before she finds herself drugged and alone on the pavement. A brute of a devil, and good work! Found as her heartbeat quickened, so did mine.
Score 18/20

Blind date with the Devil
k3ng
For a story made completely of dialogue, you did an interesting job of it. Read quick and easy with only a letter missing and a little language mishap, ‘…requested for me’, is just requested me. Not sure, could be correct but sounds wrong. The last four lines had me scratching my head, but I liked it overall and the bantering was fun!
Score 16/20

“…there is some sh*t I will not eat.”
Leyline
Exquisite. And so like you that he was within inches of falling but for that he held dearest, his notions of right and wrong. For some reason, ‘fantasy fulfilling hours’ struck me as not quite flowing, kind of jammed me each time I read it, but it was the only hitch and a very small one at that. Precise, clean and way to go!
19/20

The Man Called Changsai
Garza
Had the feel of something that would be in the beginning of an Indiana Jones movie or the like. Reads easily and only tiny hiccups with punctuation. I can only assume that all had been arranged to get his money before they took him out, but I was not at first sure how it would benefit Changsai to off him so quickly and before he claimed not to be sure he wanted to go through with the deal. Still altogether it was plenty cold blooded for the topic and Aron whistling at both ends was a great wrap.
16/20

Genus: Dateous terribulous
ppsage
I can always count on you to hit way out in left field and have again enjoyed submerging myself in your most eccentric prose. The bear was fabulous!
However, while in several reads I found it clearer, I think it would read better if you separated the dialogue from the prose. For instance, where it said ‘Publican, the famous oasis-hospitality Senator’, I was not sure what to connect that to, or if it stood alone, why it was not alone literally? Indeed an intriguing puzzle but I think due to my inexperience I am missing some pieces, not that I minded so much as it made me laugh.
17/20


***

caelum’s Scores

A Blind Date with the Devil
Bruno Spatola
I noticed the thoughts in bold right away, and thought it was a great touch. Their self-deprecating nature gave the story a melancholy tone which you carried well. The change of scene when it jumped up a few years confused me, and I at first thought they had wound up happily ever after together; but the woman’s brooding thoughts quickly showed me otherwise. I liked the stream of thoughts leading up to the climax. There was one typo that I saw. The grammar was pretty sound. There’s a few things I would change, like the “...”s. Usually they’re spaced, whether in between the words . . . like that, or beginning at the final word. . . like that.
17/20

IN LIMBO
funnygirl
The premise was very unique, and I found the story funny and entertaining. The dialogue struck me as believable, despite the fantastical setting. For me the biggest issue was the grammar, which faltered here and there. Punctuation inside dialogue wasn’t that consistent, and there were a few places where commas could have been used. One of my fave entries.
17/20


Charmed, I’m Sure
defenestrator
Great hook of a first sentence, smooth writing with sound grammar, and an ominous note to end it on. Liked it a lot. One thing I would have preferred is for you to have dove more into the action, given more snippets of the dialogue and events in real time. Too much telling is like hearing a song through a wall: it’s not so alive and immersive. This gripe of mine is the only reason I docked points.
15/20


Myself Am Hell
alanmt
The tone of the MC’s narrative was very consistent and flowed well, sounded like an actual flow of thoughts. The net slang was a nice touch. Frankly I found the character hard to like, because he was cocky. When he admitted that he thought himself the devil, though, I thought it fit very well with the theme and realized why you must have given him such a personality. Grammatically, no complaints.
17/20


Wilting Flower
Mike
I found the tone of this a little unbelievable and hard to follow. It would have been nicer to know the setting of the first conversation earlier; it wasn’t clear to me that it was an actual flower shop until the end of their exchange. I honestly thought they were in some kind of meadow at first.

The definition of the restaurant was a tad cliched. I suspected almost from the beginning that the male MC represented the devil, but by the end of the story I was unsure of exactly what he was, whether a human or even a vampire (“acid pain in the neck”), the charm of whom might explain the girl’s easy seduction. The finale fell flat for me. It was too run of the mill; I knew something bad was going to happen, and all that did happen was she woke up in the gutter with mysterious injuries. Grammar wise I don’t remember any problems, looked spot-on.
14/20

Blind Date with the Devil
k3ng
This was an entertaining, light hearted read. I liked the banter, and making it all dialogue was creative. The gay comments may exclude some of your audience (cuckoo). If the ending was a punchline, I plead a dumbass. Flew right over my head. Grammatically, things looked great.
16/20


...there is some sh*t I will not eat.
Leyline
I liked the ending a great deal, and the premise. Such a flat rejection of the devil! Oh so satisfying. There were one or two grammatical hitches for me, areas where I would have put a comma, and a few parts I didn’t understand, such as her “impossible” smile. Other than that, quite enjoyed it.
18/20

The Man Called Changsai
garza
At the beginning, I thought the character Angaraka was a female from the sound of the name. A way I think you can clear that up, and improve the dialogue in general, is to put more “he said”s in there. They serve more than one purpose, including breaking up the flow of the dialogue at critical points, and making the gender/character of the speaker more obvious.

I found some of the dialogue stilted. For instance, when the boy goes up to Angaraka and tells him a person wants to see him that can make him rich, the first thing Angaraka’s says is “Then you should follow his way and become rich.”? Didn’t ring true to me. I’d be like, “Take me to this terrific person, so that I can make dollars.”

The way the devil “got” Angaraka was unclear to me. I suspect it was the drink, but for me, if it was, that defies the idea of losing to the devil. Typically you have to consent to something. Here it’s like the devil just tricked the guy. Didn’t move me. A few nits: I would have liked to know more about Changsai’s appearance. I don’t see why the kid even remotely implicated himself in the death by showing the police where the body was, especially since Angaraka was last seen alive with the boy leaving the bar.
16/20

Genus: Dateous terribulous
ppsage
I found this quite funny! lol @ choppercoptered. You have one of the most unique ways of wordings things I’ve ever seen, though sometimes it's a little too wordy for me. I enjoyed this a great deal. At times it was absurd, and at other times well-executed highbrow. One nit is, you may want to consider starting new lines with your dialogue, especially in the talking-heavy paragraphs.
18/20


***

Like a Fox’s Scores

A Blind Date with the Devil
Bruno Spatola
This was strong, almost poetic. I liked the voice of the devil (I assumed), but that he wasn’t really present. That this couple were doomed and they didn’t even know it. Maybe we can all blame bad relationships on some devil with too much time on his hands. Haha.
I really enjoyed the voice of the piece. My main suggestion, were it to be extended into anything more, would just be to smooth the transition from the date scene to Luna in the bottom of the shower. I think that could be done more elegantly so it’s not so jarring.
Otherwise, a really great job!
Score 18-20

In Limbo
funnygirl
Ha! This was a fun story. I really loved Gerald and his poorly thought out plan. Pretty wimpy devil. The devil is always a fun figure to play around with – I like what you did with it. Not a trace of evil, just a goofy bloke.
I felt the story overall suffered from being a bit tell-y. Lots of info dumping via dialogue. I wonder if the information could have come in a more organic way, perhaps if the setting was a bit more of a focus and some of the info came out through that. It’s actually not until the devil takes a gulp of wine we realise our protag is on the date.
Liked the humour. And the traces of Aussie seeping through, like in the last line.
Hope to see you in future competitions, yeah?
Score – 15-20

Charmed, I’m sure
defenstrator
This one was hard for me to get into. The distance of the narrator from the scene really alienated me as a reader. It’s told all in past tense, giving it no sense of action or immediacy. But further than that, we don’t really get to see anything. It’s like talking to a friend who is a quickly glossing over a date, rather than getting into the nitty gritty and feeling like we’re there.
A few weirdly placed commas.
It’s a shame you didn’t use the full extent of the word count. I think you could definitely turn this into a really rich bit of flash if you put yourself right in the scene, maybe told it in present tense, and give us a sense of the place, what we’re seeing, smelling, the feel. You’ve got the bones here, just need some meat!
Good start.
Score - 13-20

Myself Am Hell
alanmt
Hahaha! Love it. The ‘As if!’ got me at the end.
Loved this one, alan. The dialogue was great, the gayspeak was fresh and fun to read. A few more physical descriptions would have been nice, give me a bit of colour maybe. I thought she might be a redhead. And I wanted to see Tyler. Otherwise no comments really. It was light and fun but done in a clever way, and that’s always a good thing in my books.
Score 19-20

Wilting Flower
Mike
Ergh. You definitely got me cringing right at the end. Pretty good build up towards it too. From the slightly creepy, but still light, flirtation at the start. Into the date when seemed okay, and then that horrible end. And I guess now, reading back, all the signs were there.
Good take on a devilish character. Considering he’s the root of all evil.
There were a few overly complicated sentences that could use some smoothing. And you sort of shift haphazardly between hers and his POV at some point. But overall I think it was done well, certainly garnering a reaction from me.
Score 17-20

Blind Date with the Devil
K3ng
Haha cute. My Dad’s a lawyer, he’s like this one.
For a story told entirely in dialogue, I think it does a pretty good job. It seems more like an anecdote than a narrative driven story though.
I think you can get away with stuff this length, just. But to be fair to your reader you need to give them more than something to listen to, which is what reading all dialogue does.
I liked the voices, the dialogue did all feel natural to me. Like the banter and the jokes.
I wouldn’t call it a story, not quite, but for what it is, I really liked it.
Score 14-20

“...there is some sh*t I will not eat.”
Leyline
Ha! Excellent. Beautiful prose, fun snappy dialogue.
Good beginning, making me smile straight up with Some things should go without saying.
Not sure what else needs to be said here. You managed to land me in the scene, give me all the information in a believable way, I was tasting that steak and picturing that she-devil.
Really great, fun entry.
Score 20-20

The Man Called Changsai
garza
I like that this one took us somewhere really different. Very unique use of the prompt. Which also made it the loosest interpretation, but I’m of the opinion it worked.
This story, like a few of the others, probably relied a little too heavily on dialogue to explain to the reader exactly what was going on. A little bit of narrative might have divided it up nicely.
I’m not totally sure I understand what happened at the end. – Not a huge shock, things are sometimes lost on me.
Was a clean read, a bit sterile, could have made it easier to form a connection with a bit more empathy for the Englishman I think.
Score 16-20

Genus: Dateous Terrinulous
ppsage
As per usual, I couldn’t quite wrap my mind around your work.
I wonder if you’d ever be so kind as to give we smallbrained folk a leg to stand on? Haha.
What I do get from this story is a frantic, fun, humorous feel with your sophisticated dialogue and a rhythm to the work like I’ve never seen. It’s like jazz to me. What I’d love is a bit of setting and something to see, so that all the frantic stuff doesn’t totally bowl me over.
Score 15-20

Congratulations, guys! You totally deserve it. I had a great time reading all the entries and you're all very talented.

Haha. No longer a bridesmaid!

Thanks judges, for your time and insightful commentary. Also thanks to the other entrants. Great competition on this one, I enjoyed all the stories. Special mentions to Bruno, garza and -- as usual --ppsage. Exceptional stuff there.

Thanks Ley. I knew my normally abyssmal chances were further nullified when I read your entry. CGrats. Now you owe a judging.

It's great to have a full complement of entries like this. It's always especially needful, for the LM's success, to have timely judging, but more entries mean more judgement is required. This magisterial crop has come through in grand fashion. My heartiest appreciation goes to them and to LaF, without whom nothing would be possible. I do think she might consider trading in her derringer for a whip, so as to preserve the personnel in better shape for the next round. In appreciation, pp.

Thank you to the judges for your hard work, and congratulations to Leyline and Alan.

When can we do another?

Congrats guys. I really enjoyed reading this one.

Thanks judges and congrats Leyline Heaps of fun and a great prompt.

Thank you judges! Thanks for volunteering and your prompt and well-thought out evals for everyone. This was a fun prompt with a pile of good entries. Congrats to Leyline and Mike!

Dreamworx, I'm fighting the good fight, but commas are like tribbles in my writing.
Eluixa, glad it moved you. I struggled with coming up a story until if decided to write from the "devil's" perspective.
Caelum, it's okay. I don't much like him either.
Likeafox, I agree about adding more description but I ran out of words! I saw her in my mind as strawberry blond. Tyler, dark hair, pale skin, small frame, like ian somerhalder or logan from big time rush.

Yeah the writing in bold was the Devil, I didn't want him to actually be physically present. Thanks, I'm really happy with my scores. Congrats Leyline, I liked yours the best.

I wanted to leave a lot of ambiguity but, Mel killed himself first though Eluixa. Mel and Luna were totally in love, but the Devil started twisting them etc. I think I was too ambitious, tried to fit too much into 500 words.

Thanks you Like a Fox, I liked your review of mine best for some reason... You understood everything exactly right though.

No there was no ex-boyfriend Dream, they were both on a blind date with the devil and he started to poison them against each other, resulting in their suicides. They were doomed. Quite simple but not obvious.

Thanks for all the kind words, I'm so happy lol.

Aha. I never would have gotten that, haha.

Thanks judges, and congrats Leyline! I definitely enjoyed the prompt and reading everyone else's responses, and it was interesting to see the (very!) different opinions of the judges!