Thread: 07/05/2010 - LM Four Words SCORES

LM - Four Words - Results!

Sorry about the delay, everybody, (again). We had issues with the fourth judge not being able to get online, so once again we’ll have to settle for just three.

We had five great entries for this round and that is reflected in the very close scores.

Remember it was a 500 word story including the words strawberry, fuzzy, charred, and effusive.
All the entrants did an excellent job, and there was a great variety in these five stories.



So in first place, congratulations are in order for caelum! Well done caelum.

In second place we have JR MacLean and taking third, Anna Buttons.

The scores were as follows -

garza 17 14 16 = Average of 15.66
Anna Buttons 13 17 19 = Average of 16.33
caelum 18 16 18 = Average of 17.33
JR MacLean 19 17 15 = Average of 17
Eluixa 16 15 17 = Average of 16

(If I have made any errors, please don't hesitate to correct me.)

I’d like to thank all the participants, and thank you more so for your patience on this round. Hopefully things will be moving at a decent pace from here on in.

I encourage you all to take part in the up and coming LM, which will be posted very soon.


And now, here is what the judges had to say:




Alanmt’s Scores

Strawberries and Roses
Garza
Overall, I found this piece an effective story, with a lot of bang for the buck. It was sweetly sentimental with a glimpse of human wisdom. There was a minor awkwardness in your first sentence about the strawberry plant which made me have to reread to make sure I understood it correctly. Grandmother is one word, as you know, but was not consistent about. The word effusive seemed out of voice for Papaw, but otherwise an excellent use of the theme words. Well done.
17/20


Owed
Anna Buttons
Wow. Second person present tense. Challenging. You do a lot of nice things with this, but it feels like it could use more polish, in a bit of the phrasing and language choices seemed inconsistent or a little awkward. I also would have liked more insight into the emotional reaction of the narrator to this unsatisfying self-indulgence. Nice use of theme words although I think effusive describes persons or actions (as an adverb), not compliments. I particularly like your effective portrayal of the petty sordidness of the encounter.
13/20


A New Acquaintance
Caelum
This was fantastic. The style is consistent and apt and very well done. I am impressed. That said, there are a few nits. You either misspelled or mistyped "lieutenant". While charred strawberry was excellent, converting one theme word to a name and another to the death gurgle of a dying man seemed a bit cheap.
18/20


The Serpent's Stones
J.R. McLean
Fascinating tale. The use of the theme words was amazing; I had to go back to look for them after reading because they fit so seamlessly into the story. Nice fusing of vision with reality. Because I live on the edge of the great plains, I have some potential technical nits. Around here, sweetgrass is one word, but I have seen it as one or two words, so I can't fault you for that. Even in the years of the northern plains Indians having horses, though, a lone Indian wouldn't bring home a big buffalo kill. The tribe (or his family) would go to the kill and process it. Strawberries are mountain and forest plants around here, not plains plants, and the wild ones are tiny, getting no bigger than a thumbnail in size.
19/20


Anticipation
Eluixa
This is a strange tale, that raises many questions and leaves them unanswered, with the reader wondering, intrigued, but not necessarily unsatisfied. It is unpredictable, which makes it interesting, but it is a bit over-comma'd in the beginning, and her reaction to the invader of her camp seems incongruous without more explanation, although I daresay many WF members would agree that a campsite which includes a naked and pliable woman to be perfect indeed. Good use of the four words, although effusive should be effusively since you use it as an adverb. I smiled at your use of fuzzy. Still, seems more a beginning than a complete story.
16/20


Kat’s Scores

Strawberries and Roses- garza
14/20
Almost overly sweet and sentimental story but I didn’t feel the emotional investment to make it work. I was confused when you said the plant survived the frost until the fire. I was picturing and pile of ashes not for it to still have leaves.

Owed- Anna Buttons
17/20
The words were woven in well. I had to go back and look for effusive because I didn’t catch it the first read through. Enjoyed the descriptions of high school, felt that her tone changed from bittersweet to just bitter. Guess life is a hard pill to swallow.

A New Acquaintance- caelum
16/20
The words weren’t really woven in the story, mostly crammed in at the end. Made it seem like an afterthought. The ending really detracted from the story as a whole.

The Serpent’s Stones- J.R. MacLean
17/20
Really enjoyed the imagery, tone was perfect. Would have liked to seen the words used in a more creative manner though.


Anticipation- Eluixa
15/20
Nice use of the words, especially effusive. The story though is very familiar. I’ve seen variations ranging from mythology to Forum letters. I kind of wanted her to just bite his head off, maybe literally.



Like a Fox’s Scores

Strawberries and Roses
By Garza
I liked the simple sentiment expressed in this. It read almost fable like, like a story that would continue to be passed down through generations. Because of that it had an un-real edge to it, the dialogue felt a little unnatural, though I thought that worked. I like that the grandfather hated strawberries and continued to eat them. I thought that was jam-packed with emotion. (Pardon the pun.) All that said, I felt it would’ve packed a bit more of a punch were I to connect more to either of them, the reader is kept at a bit of a distance making the sentiment a little flat.
Score – 16/20


Owed
By Anna Buttons
Great voice in this one. And the use of 2nd present I love too. A few really good lines. You didn’t want to change him, only yourself to match -- was maybe my favourite. The narrative is well done, with the background story woven in seamlessly, the event, and then the awkward dialogue to lead back out of this little dip into a life. My one suggestion - I think by keeping your narrator so detached, you make it harder for the reader to sympathise with her, and I think sympathising might be important in a story like this. I would recommend if you were going to add anything to it, to give her a bit of vulnerability or softness, so we understand why she felt she was owed this, and we’re on her team more.
Score – 19/20



A New Acquaintance
By caelum
Wow, caelum. I loved this entry. The opening line was a winner, set up a question in the reader’s head right away. I didn’t realise what Charlie was until the flock of ants simile, which now I think about it, doesn’t work very well. Because you’re assuming that your reader knows Charlie isn’t just a person (singular) so it’s actually confusing, sort of. I reckon you can find something a bit smarter to put there. Otherwise I liked the voice, I thought the action was described with elegance. I didn’t love the ending, I reckon you could make that better too, but overall it was the story I felt the most for because I connected with your MC.
Score – 18/20


The Serpent’s Stones
By J.R. MacLean
I’m unsure as to why, but I struggled to get into this story. I tried to read it several times (mind you, I usually read with many distractions buzzing around me – at the cafeteria at uni, my desk at work, in traffic), but I kept reading the words without taking in the scene. Once I finally managed to get through it and find my bearings, I really enjoyed it. And a second read proved worthwhile. I suppose it alienated me because this is not a genre I’m comfortable with, and I felt as though I had nowhere to “put my feet” if that makes any sense. I also found the visuals of the many different animals referenced, difficult to picture, as they seemed to mostly be spiritual? Though the snake ended up being another tribe? The prose was good and I liked the narrative drive, I just didn’t like feeling so lost.
Score – 15/20


Anticipation
By Eluixa
Oh I like this story. How bizarre these two are, the naked girl at the camping site, the boy who wants to make her dinner. I thought the dialogue was superb, the language poetic, and the sensuality very mature. Not overdone, just perfect. I like that things are hinted at but not explained. Why two months ago? Why would she whisper “I think so,” ? I think there’s a lot of skill in flash when leaving things up to the reader, and you’ve done this very well here. Well done Eluixa, I thought this was a very good read. It only lost a few points from me because it didn’t quite feel like a beginning-middle-end narrative.
Score – 17/20

Thanks, guys. The judges, other entrants, and everyone.

Thanks alot, Alan, and yeah, in the original draft I seem to remember there was a bit of an explanation why the guy's name was Fuzzy, but I had a lot of trouble fitting the story into the five-hundred words. The original cut was around six-hundred so there was a lot of painful cutting. And I don't know how clear it was, but the whole "Charlie bit me" thing was a pop-culture reference. I don't know if you guy's have seen the "Charlie bit me" video on youtube; it's got around 200 million views or something crazy like that.

Thanks a bunch, Foxy, and at the beginning there, I was intentionally trying to mislead the reader. I was trying to make them think Charlie was an actual person, an effect I hoped to strengthen with the title, so that when they ran into that "damned flock of ants" bit, they would seriously scratch their heads. And then, hopefully, it would dawn on them that Charlie was the vietcong and they would smile or something.

Thanks, Kat, I wasn't too sure with how to take the ending. In the end the death gurgle seemed like an okay enough thing for this flash piece, as the whole thing didn't really have much of a traditional story arch. If I fleshed it out more, I would more than likely change it to give more resolution to Fuzzy.

Congrats Caelum. Well done! And thanks to LAF and the judges. This was an excellent contest.

Alan: Glad you appreciated the piece so much. Could have used your 'local knowlege' while writing the thing.

Kat: Thanks. The tone was tough to find; glad it felt right to you.

LAF: Should have remembered my audience a little more. I knew you were an Aussie gal and the story has a lot of North American animals and references. The 'tribe' he saw, that the snake in his vision quest represented, were the first white men coming across the plains in their wagon trains. The 'thunder' was from their guns.

Caelum - Ha! I knew I knew 'Charlie bit my finger' from something. I reckon I contributed about a million of those views. That video made me want to move to England so my kids would have British accents. And I know what you mean about the ants thing. I was in indecision, I got what you were doing at the start, I liked that, but I started thinking maybe that wasn't the most elegant way of revealing what was really going on. I dunno. I guess I'm still undecided. Haha.

JR - Ahhh. It all makes sense to me now, the native american thing. I'm sure a better Aussie than I would have put it together. Sometimes elegance is lost on me

Congrats Caelum!!!

Alan, Glad you were not completely unsatisfied and somewhat intrigued, it gives me hope. Yes, there would be a lot of questions. I tend to write long and am hard pressed to compact things. Her reaction to his presence, since it may be a very long time before I can finish this, is largely due to the fact that she has been fasting for a fairly long time, and hasn't the energy to jump away or fight, nor much fear as she feels there is much worse to be borne than her own suffering. This would easily have been over a thousand words as I do have backstory for it. Yes, I over comma, lol, thanks for pointing that out. And I just did it again, didn't I? And I was questioning the use of effusive, but am so freaking literal that I could not bring myself to add the ly, as the word was not effusively.

Kat, it is an old story, maybe mythological? 'Man meets witch in the woods' is what I'd most relate it too. I don't know anything about forum letters though.
As for biting his head off, it's not my nature to snap so quickly. People tend to need to aggravate me for a while before I snap and for obvious reasons, my female characters are much like myself. He had not had time in the story and she does not find him threatening. I thank you for your perspective, as I think you saw her as a possible victim, which I had not actually intended.

And Fox, it makes me especially happy that you took to this even as I know it was not a complete story. I have difficulties with endings I think, because I don't see things as ending, just so many pieces and parts. But poetic language, mature sensuality and superb dialogue? I think I can die happy.

Thank you all! I am enjoying myself immensely, writing these.

Eluixa Forum letters as in Penthouse Forum...lol. I actually saw her as the bad guy, the villainess. Kind of like the sirens. Tempting a man to his doom which I suppose is why I wanted her to bite his head off.

Aha, but well that would have been a bit morbid! Maybe I'll try that one day.

Did I miss something? I was asleep (this was done at 5 am for my British time, by the looks of it). Sorry if I caused complications for the competition! I wasn't aware.

But... congratulations, caelum (just read up, and I saw you won)!

Haha Nick, you're judge for the next one, not this one. No stress!
You won't have to do anything for a few weeks and I'll PM you when you do.