Thread: 05/02/2010-Justice Is Blind Scores

The votes are in!

I'd like to thank everyone who participated for their fine work, and also thank the judges for taking time out of their lives to read and review and rate the stories submitted for this competition.
You all did a great job, and should be congratulated.
A warm round of applause for the LM group!

All righty then. I can tell you that the winning entrant is...hang on, let's break for a commercial.

*ducks*

The winner of the Justice is Blind competition is Like A Fox. I'm sure she'll say a few words in due course, so I'll put the trophy aside, here on the rostrum, and continue with my monologue.

*ducks again*

Here's the breakdown:

darknite_johanne 17,16,12,14=14.75 avg.
Sigg 15,14,13.5,16=14.625 avg.
PigHeaded 17,17,15,13=15.5 avg.
NathanBrazil 18,16,16,15=16.25
alanmt 19,18,15,15=16.75 avg.
Dreamworx95 17,18,15,17=16.75 avg,
Eluixa 18,16,16,16=16.5 avg.
ppsage 19,14,12,13=14.5 avg.
Like A Fox 19,19,17,15=17.5 avg.

Judge #1:




darknite_johanne Justice is Blind

There's a bit of a disconnect between the Hermetic tradition and the Palestinian setting. But the story is set in present times, or at least seems to be, so I'll chalk that up to a migration of sorts.
The moralism isn't heavy-handed, and the story itself moves along well. Some spagnits-"millenia" is the plural of that word, and there are a few grammatical missteps. Nothing just one more edit wouldn't fix. The MC probably shouldn't look in any mirrors. Very strong narrative voice, well-done piece with some real impact.

17 points overall

Sigg Justice

The prompt was the picture, not the title, and you seem, Sigg, to have gotten lost in there somewhere. This vignette about a mechanical blind justice isn't without some merit, though, and has many more implications than the length of the piece would denote. The last line of the first paragraph makes hash out of the idea of "blind justice", and makes the theme simply "justice". And in the end justice devolves to inactive observation. The effect of the piece defies analysis. I feel that it was effective, if not exactly adhering to the purposes of the LM. No spagnits.

15 points overall

Pigheaded Justice is Blind

I enjoyed the literary conceit of the house being personified and having a seeming conversation with another house. I kept waiting for this to venture into Shirley Jackson territory, but it didn't. Ah, the sadness of an unused dwelling. The delight of usefulness. I felt that, within the context of the story. That's well done. A couple of spagnits-disdain has two "dees" and I feel that there should be a comma after "stares at you". Otherwise excellent.

17 points overall

NathanBrazil Faute de Mieux

Some spagnits...I'm wondering whether the narrator, the old couple, or the crepes, are covered in Nutella. The story comes out differently with each of those interpretations. Assuming that the crepes are so decorated, let's continue...I'm enthralled by the woman's beauty and the lush aromas and other sensory detail. Everything moves along naturally, undramatically. The conclusion works very well, adhering to Faulkner's Law (Boy Gets Girl). Extremely strong voice.

18 points overall

alanmt Slide Into Oblivion

I like the phrase reverse deja vu, though some might not, preferring to see the term clairvoyance in its stead. Ah, the glories of Thailand. I can feel them, the heat, the smells, the decadence. Well-drawn, to say the least. One can easily understand why Ben may never leave...for he is following the old axiom about he who hesitates. He may or may not have regrets. No spagnits. Near-perfect.

19 points overall

Dreamworx95 Justice is Blind

The opening metaphor breaks down when the lion comes tumbling from the sky. The other metaphor, the empty building standing in for the pain of loss of family, that stands throughout. It's somewhat cliche but not trite, and works well in service to this short piece. The narrator denying the sense of loss sounds a little strange. But one of the stages of this progression is denial and the stages aren't clearly demarcated. No spagnits and a good narrative voice.

17 points overall

ppsage Olive Branch

The Needle's Eye

Neil Gaiman would like this a lot. I do too. Though it's a little obscure for me, I think I can follow. The failing is certainly mine, not the author's. The scenario makes me think Slartibartfast on the eve of the seventh day.

The Desert's Ship

Paperpunk writer? Effective little vignette full of nearfuture patois and a sort of comment on the previous story. Metafiction in 500 words? Shows a firm grasp of story mechanics. No spagnits in either piece. Easy read and startling contrasts in voice between pieces. Very effective.

19 points overall

Like A Fox Sahara Glow

Some of these pieces frankly amaze me. This is one of those...a psychotic subject, with the character revealed gradually through several incidents until the curtain is ripped open and we find ourselves in the room with the rubber walls. Serious punch to that revelation.

19 points overall

Eluixa Every day mangoes

He went away, but has been replaced. Perhaps by himself, if the long, curling lashes are any indication. One is left to draw one's own conclusion. It's possible that the sleeping Priya is enjoying the sleep of eternal peace, if the blueness is any indication. That's open to interpretation also. Very nicely written and evocative. No spagnits. Consistent voice, solid mechanics.

18 points overall

Judge #2:

Darknite_johanne:
Spelling and Grammar: 3/5
Tone and Voice: 4/5
Effect: 9/10
Total Score: 16/20

I enjoyed your piece, and reading it gave me chills, especially at the end. You do a good job of showing Alia’s fear of Mueed, and the seductive darkness of Parthenophe’s words.

Alanmt:

Spelling and Grammar: 2/5
Tone and Voice: 5/5
Effect: 10/10
Total score: 18/20

I can easily get into the character of Ben, and see what he is like from his journal entries. Very well written overall, and I like the poor grammar in his journal entries, it gives Ben the appearance of a lax, carefree tourist.

Dreamworx95:

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5
Tone and Voice: 5/5
Effect: 9/10
Total score: 18/20

This is a powerful piece of work. I smiled at the narrator’s antics in the mosque, and her childish attitude.

Sigg:

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5
Tone and Voice: 3/5
Effect: 7/10
Total score: 14/20

I find myself unsure as to what you are talking about in the story, a satellite maybe? And I can’t seem to find a connection to the picture prompt. An interesting story, though.

PigHeaded:

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5
Tone and Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8/10
Total score: 17/20

I enjoy reading this from the house’s perspective; it is an interesting and refreshing choice. Overall, there are few errors, “tails” instead of “tales” is the only big thing.

NathanBrazil:

Spelling and Grammar: 4/5
Tone and Voice: 5/5
Effect: 7/10
Total score: 16/20

Interesting story, with few flaws, but the looseness of the two characters didn’t appeal to me very much.

Ppsage:
Spelling and Grammar: 4/5
Tone and Voice: 4/5
Effect: 6/10
Total score: 14/20

You use a lot of terms that I am unfamiliar with, which takes away much of the story for me. I also cannot find a connection to the prompt.

Like a Fox:
Spelling and Grammar: 4/5
Tone and Voice: 5/5
Effect: 10/10
Total score: 19/20

This is a very interesting story, and I like seeing Lucy’s perspective about her condition and situation.

Eluixa:
Spelling and Grammar: 4/5
Tone and voice: 5/5
Effect: 7/10
Total score: 16/20

While a nice story, it doesn’t make me feel any emotion about the woman, or the flood.

Judge #3:

Darknite Johanne

Spelling and Grammar | 3/5

A few minor mistakes throughout hampered the overall reading process. For instance, your first sentence has run-ons where there should be periods, and periods where there should be run-ons. "Her eyes unmoving" is a continuation of the previous sentence and therefore should be separated by a comma or combined using a semi-colon. Your use of a semi-colon further into the sentence is also incorrect by virtue of the fact that the beginning needs to be altered; i.e "her eyes unmoving" is no longer part of that sentence.

"Millennia's" should be "millennia". The word itself is plural, which removes the need for a "s" afterwards. Nota bene: Plurals do not have apostrophes. Unless they're possessive.

When words preceding dialogue are "he said" or "she said", a comma is used instead of a period: "Parthenophe, she is nothing to you.” Apemosyne said.

Be careful of comma splices: "I am not the devil, I merely offer justice". This is two sentences in one. Separate with a period or semi-colon.


Tone and Voice | 3/5

Be wary of tense changes. You started out some sentences in past tense and finished them in present: "But her cousin Abdul Mueed began to set his eyes on her, and she is afraid". She was afraid. Or she became afraid. Or she grew scared. "Is" is present tense. These little things can detract from the story and take the reader out of it. When you're dealing in flash-fiction, you want few reasons for the reader to be drawn away from the story.

Effect | 6/10

I read through it several times, but never quite understood the ending. Perhaps it was left intentionally ambiguous. If that is true, the hidden meaning was lost on me. Overall a good piece, but be extra vigilant with your grammar. It's not just the story which needs to be good.

Total: 12/20

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Sigg

Spelling and Grammar | 4.5/5

No real niggles here. Competent use of syntax, and an easy flow to your sentencing. Just one small error that denied you a perfect five: "My eyes and ears circumnavigate the planet in a geosynchronous orbit collecting endless stores of input". You need a comma after "orbit".

Tone and Voice | 4/5

Funny narration that reminded me of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. The comparison is not entirely fanciful. Your narrator was funny but not obtrusive. Again, would have given you higher, perhaps, but there wasn't enough there.

Effect | 5/10

This is where you fall down, unfortunately. I know it doesn't state that you must write in or around five hundred words, but this is a far cry short. A little effort might have made this very good. As it stands, I just don't think it's deserving of a truly high score.

Total: 13.5/20

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Pigheaded

Spelling and Grammar | 4.5/5

Virtually flawless. Good, tight sentences; proper usage of commas and periods in most places. One nit, though: "I can be a wonderful home that when cleaned and repaired, will bring warmth and comfort to a family". Either set off the "cleaned and repaired" part with parenthetical commas, or avoid commas completely. To wit: "I can be a wonderful home that, when cleaned and repaired, will bring warmth . . . " Or: "I can be a wonderful home that when cleaned and repaired will bring . . . " It reads clunky with the latter version, so I'd put the commas in. A single comma has no real application there.

Tone and Voice | 3.5/5

The problem with writing in first-person is that it becomes repetitive very quickly. Over-reliance on "I" and "they" in this piece really began to grate on me towards the denouement. It's a very difficult skill to pull off the first-person in a seamless way. Yours came close, but just not close enough, unfortunately.

Effect | 7/10

A nice, poignant piece. I particularly like the ending.

Total: 15/20

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Nathan Brazil

Spelling and Grammar | 4.5/5

Almost flawless again. Just one nit: “You have beautiful hands.” She says. You need a comma and a small "s". Otherwise, grammatically perfect.

Tone and Voice | 4.5/5

Particularly liked how this one was written. Towards the end, I was riveted on the psycho woman. You used good dialogue and prose to indicate how quickly the situation changed on the man. Very well done.

Effect | 7/10

I found the story quite intriguing and the ending almost as good. "Maybe I will be your voice tonight". Don't know if you meant this in a comedic way, but it had that effect and worked perfectly as a last line for me. This piece is my winner.

Total: 16/20

Allen

Spelling and Grammar | 4.5/5

Noticeable care and attention to word-choice and an adept command of the English language demonstrated in this piece. I particularly liked how you integrated your character's bad spelling and grammar seamlessly as well. Just a couple of nits; nothing major. There is no such word as "tshirt" (LOL). It looks ominously Russian. It's either "t-shirt" or "tee shirt". You'll also get away with "T-shirt". The "obviously western" girl needs a hyphen to make her the "obviously-western" girl.

Tone and Voice | 4/5

Very nice flow and an easy read here. My favourite line is: "She stared at him with pity and revulsion before self-consciously looking away". Pity and revulsion. Haha. She's running the gamut as far as visages go, eh? Why not pity, revulsion, and a tint of anger? [IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/Owner/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/msohtml1/01/clip_image001.gif[/IMG]Would have made her completely narcissistic.

Effect | 6.5/10

I can't understand why he hesitated! "Inside was heaven, sex and forgetfulness". Sounds like nirvana to me. Get in there, son! Where do I sign up? [IMG]file:///C:/DOCUME%7E1/Owner/LOCALS%7E1/Temp/msohtml1/01/clip_image002.gif[/IMG]

Overall, a very good piece, Allen.

Total: 15/20

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Dreamworx

Spelling and Grammar | 4.5/5

Nothing I could see or pick up on except your first line: "The tall stone building, once beautiful mosque, now aged ruin . . . " No matter how many times I read that, I keep thinking there should be an "a" before "beautiful". Otherwise, perfect.

Tone and Voice | 3.5/5

Some people are a fan of Koontz-like prose, others aren't. I think, if it's possible, you try too hard to be descriptive. "On this holy day, the mosque resembles a kaleidoscope with a plethora of swirling colors. Elaborate rugs are lined up on the floor and hung up on the walls. Women are wearing bright shawls and outfits, and even the men have decided to dress up for the occasion. The luminous noon sun shines in through the windows, making everything look more brilliant". You could cut a lot of this and still retain much of the meaning. Less is more.

Effect | 7/10

Overall, it was a very good, interesting piece. Maybe just try to ration the descriptive prose. No need to describe everything to a tee. Perhaps that's just me, though. I'm a fan of giving the reader a little and letting them envision the rest themselves.

Total: 15/20

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Like a Fox

Spelling and Grammar | 4.5/5

Nothing major here. Very good handle on syntax and grammar. There were only two nits I could identify: "Far off" should be "far-off". And "day-time" can be "daytime", but there's no harm in the hyphen, I suppose.

Tone and Voice | 5/5

Very easy and smooth read. Nothing grating about it whatsoever. Your narration put me immediately at ease, which made the read incredibly easy. Well done.

Effect | 7.5/10

Nice. I like the way you show Lucy's delusion at the very end. Might have been a little hard to accept since there's no hints throughout the piece that she's that way inclined. Made it seem like a spur-of-the-moment twist which may not have been concomitant with the storyline. But good, nonetheless. My winner.

Total: 17/20

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Eluixa

Spelling and Grammar | 4/5

Nice use of fragments and run-ons throughout, but too much can also become irritating for the reader. You used them stylistically rather than abundantly, with just enough care to not have them obtruding.

Tone and Voice | 3/5

Not really a fan of your prose, unfortunately. While it's very well done, I just felt it didn't go anywhere or do anything memorable. Even the ending didn't produce a memorable line for me.

Effect | 5/10

It's well-written, but it just didn't stir anything in me. Even subsequent reads never gleaned anything from it.

Total: 12/20

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Ppsage

Spelling and Grammar | 4/5

Technically excellent. Good syntax, control, and grammar. But sentences often overrun. I read several that were so long that I'd forgotten how they started.

Tone and Voice | 3/5

I must be honest and say I don't think this was great tone-wise. The first paragraph just put me off the piece completely. Too many long, meandering sentences that could be clipped to make an interesting, tightly-woven read. I don't know if that's what you wanted to convey, but it put me in mind of the stream of consciousness technique used by Modernist authors. It was almost frustrating for me to read.

Effect | 5/10

"Sawe'uh stands outside while ensconced inside like some parthenogenetic goddess her upstart avatar garbs in humanity's lavish rapine". This is not a dissertation on the philosophy behind the Enlightened thinkers of the twentieth century we're talking about here. It's a flash-fiction piece. I'm not a huge fan of this style of writing. Comes across as being purple, in my book. Too much emphasis on trying to sound like a writer, and not enough on telling a story. I'm sorry; I'm just telling it the way I see it and without bias. I didn't enjoy the piece.

Total: 12/20.

Judge #4

LM Scores

ppsage-13/20

The mix of old terms from various languages/civilizations was odd, with bumper coaches being the oddest. That didn't fit in with the feel of the rest of the paragraph. I'm not sure if the second part was supposed to be related to the first or two separate stories. I did enjoy the mythological tone of the first.

Like a Fox- 15/20

The MC complete stupidity to genetics was confusing. I had to read that section several times. Once you get to the end it does make more sense but it seriously interrupted the flow. "She should be a detective..." should be I. I enjoyed the ending, I wasn't expecting that.

darknite-johanne- 14/20

Another myth, really liked it. It had a few grammar and punctuation errors. Some of us have grown, for millenniums, the wondrous creature... It took me a moment to realize that the cousin at the end was Mueed and not Mishna. What did Parthenophe want in return?

Sigg- 16/20

I did not give you extra points for brevity, lol. I didn't notice any obvious mistakes. I did not see how this was related to the picture at all though. It relates to the title of this LM but that wasn't the assignment. It didn't feel like a whole story, more of a mission statement.

Pigheaded- 13/20

Quite a few mistakes, missing a question mark at the end of the third sentence, tails instead of tales, differently instead of different... I like the premise of if walls could talk but the execution falls short. The house tells us about things but doesn't show us anything. I want to know about the horrid tales and the happiness, what actually happened.

NathanBrazil-15/20

The fence is frowning? It is an interesting visual but if that is what you meant why did you put the comma in? It broke up the though leaving me wondering who was frowning. There is a disconnect between the beginning and the end, a change not only in font but the voice. I was having difficulty suspending disbelief that a woman would just pick up a guy and bring him back for sex with no prelude, unless she was a prostitute. I did love the last line.

Eluixa- 16/20

The amount of ellipses were distracting in a piece this short, the last one wasn't really needed. The voice was wonderful and consistent. It carried an innocent bittersweet tone.

dreamworx95- 17/20

Very sad- just enough details to draw out the emotions. I felt it could have done without the last line.

alanmt- 15/20

It was hard to judge on grammar and such since most of the story was journal entries. I would have liked to see a degeneration in that as the entries went along. I enjoyed the story and appreciated the tone and pace.

Yay! My first win. (This is starting to look rigged Mod )


Ooh, cool trophy. Thanks everyone.

And to Judge 3 - You didn't think her stupid idea about the genetics was a clue that she wasn't quite right? That said, Judge 4 - I agree with you about the confusion, that bit suffered some culling to make it fit the word count.
The stupid thing is I first wrote it, and wrote that bit earnestly (Forgetting that only the mother cheating can alter the DNA. Hmm. What an idiot.) I realised my mistake, and figured that would work better than what I'd originally planned.

I don't think the judges can reply to you without revealing who they are, Kath. Which would kinda defeat the purpose of blind judges.

Congratulations on the win, though. And congrats to everyone who entered.

Good point Sam. I forgot my smart pills today. Haha.

Congrats, Fox! What's that gray stuff inside the donut?

Many thanks to the judges. I appreciate the reviews and comments. It was an interesting challenge and I was fascinated by all of the different takes on the subject matter.

Congrats Fox on your first win. Thanks to all the judges- quite a few entries to read through and crit this time.

Reading and reviewing the entries was such exquisite pleasure that I did not note the number of them. I eagerly await repetition in the next round.

Congratulations Fox! You deserved it. Thanks to the judges for taking the time to critique these.

Congrats Fox! I enjoyed your entry: surreal, and I love surreal.

Thank you to the judges too. I really loved giving this a try, and will keep on keepin' on. Thank you for letting me know where I am doing alright, and what is weak.

You bet! If you can squeeze out the words, I started the next one early so you can play

I'll bring pad and pencil and do it by hand, then see if I can find a puter and submit it. I'll try. Thanks!