Thread: Last Bus to... Scores

The Last Bus LM Scores

A big thank you to the four entrants who got their act together and managed to post an entry, despite the move, and all that change-related-confusion the rest of us suffered from.

Thank you also to… I believe, The Backward OX for the prompt (and to SparkyLT for digging back through the coffee shop to find it), and to Crazed Scribe, ppsage and Sigg for judging this round.


And now the results…

Caelum 15, 8, 14, 13 = 50 – Average = 12.5

moderan 19, 14, 18.5, 19 = 70.5 – Average = 17.625

Kat 16, 13, 16.5, 15 = 60.5 - Average = 15.125

NathanBrazil 12, 11, 17, 16 = 56 - Average = 14


And so the winning story is….

moderan’s - The Last Bus!!!
(Read it here - http://www.writingforums.com/showthr...8-The-Last-Bus)


Congratulations to moderan
And to Kat’s - Last Bus to Hell, taking silver.
And NathanBrazil’s – Leucotomy, taking bronze.


Congratulations to all!

1. Crazed Scribe’s scores


Title: Last Bus To Somewhere
Author: Caelum

The first thing that I noticed was that you’d broken the word limit rule. By 83. And, of course, I had to deduct marks for that but I was hoping that in return the piece would be packed with an uncuttable plot. What I found was that the piece would probably benefit from a good cut. For me, it became a little too repetitive to successfully hold my interest and the mood was a little too angsty.

Although, saying that, you held and created the mood well and convincingly. The character had a strong and sustained voice, too. Your grammar was good with the odd minor error. Well done.

Score: 15




Title: The Last Bus
Author: moderan

This piece made me smile quite a bit. Especially the lines about the ‘bangers. The narrative took me in and I enjoyed the gentle release of information in a well structured way. Only the odd minor error. Thanks for the read, it was very enjoyable!

Score: 19




Title: Last Bus to Hell
Author: Kat

At first I was a little confused, it seemed to read as a metaphor for something and so it took me awhile to realise it actually was hell. However the plot itself was a good idea and a clever use of the prompt.

There were a few sentences that ran away a little and needed to be cut down to make them clearer and more concise. Particularly the second sentence. I noticed a few adverbs that should be cut - in the case of these less is more.

To be honest, I struggled to connect to this piece and though you did a good job with the characters’ attitudes I failed to empathise with any of them. Some more back story as to why she actually ended up in hell may have provided this.

Thanks for the read.

Score: 16




Title: Leucotomy
Author: NathanBrazil

I think this suffered heavily from the word limit and could be developed a great deal and become a good piece. Maybe, if you’d have lost the initial scene you’d have had a few more words to play around with since the opening paragraph did very little, for me and seemed to end very suddenly. Although, I’d say your link to the LM challenge was tenuous at best. Perhaps a casualty of cutting to keep within the word count?

The concept of the story was interesting and held my attention well but the actual narrative came across as wooden. None of the characters seemed to have motives for what they were doing and so the whole thing came across as staged and a little bit empty. The dialogue had the same effect. The climax was even more confusing.

You also missed the switch from first to third in the final two paragraphs when editing. That also added to my confusion!

Though, I hope you develop it and post it up, I’d be interested in the result. Thanks for the read, well done!


Score: 12

ppsage’s scores

Prefatory Remarks

Though I've not been very consistent in the past, I'm most comfortable I think, setting the score for correctly competent grammar and style at the middling number. Especially in flash-sized work, these are tools which bear a much more vigorous exercise. So the rule book will get you a three today. I'm not one to find nits, unless they stop my progress, so you'll catch a break there.

A lot was done well here, which a less cantankerous sort might note in individual cases. All are reasonably coherent in voice and nowhere did syntax outrage. I'm finding all the work that touch on the timid side, nothing very chancy, which one likes to see attempted occasionally.

With my score for effect I'm basically trying to reflect my judgment of story. Did something happen? Or change? Does tension resolve? Was any meaning communicated? Ineffable stuff like that. Below five means struck out. Mostly singles, no homers.

This was a little bit of a tough time to write an entry, what with the revolution and all. I didn't make it. Yet. You who did have my admiration and esteem. pp.



Last Bus To Somewhere - Caelum - LM Entry - 600 Words

Classic SOC needs to be driven by the external stimulation of subconscious imagery. The narrator becomes, say, intrigued by imagining the purifying fire of his great aunt's diamond ring. Which, he remembers now, is so clear because it was on the hand slapping him. She was a real slapper. At dinner, in front of the family. Because he'd spilled. Lanky he was, gawky knees under the table, thumping and dumping. "Thumping and dumping, clever for a failure. Funny how that speed bump just now reminded me of that long ago spilling. Riding the bus into the purifying fire, that's the trip … " Or whatever.

grammer 3 style 3 effect 5-3 = 8


The Last Bus- moderan -LM Contest entry (448 words)

The best vanilla has dark specks in it and even then it's rarely served as a solitary morsel. The smaller the bite, the greater the need for a bit of spice. One's expectations easily encompass a 500 step hike, the only real turn was the driver's Shultz. Which was probably the thing on which much tension might have turned, there being so little room to manuver. The question of the bike's ownership manages to pull the story forward adequately but it's not the moral question, which is disposed of summarily.

grammer 4 stlye 3 effect 7 = 14


Last Bus to Hell- - Kat - LM 500 words


A good comic must always lead off with a real spit-take winner but she's also got to have something big to get off the stage. Bigger probably, most of the time. I myself suffer even worse from discription without resolution, which doesn't seem to create in me much sympathy. A very nicely turned zombie, whose attitude shines through like the gleam in AvatarMod's eye, in a well appointed hell, but somebody forgot to yell action, so he just sits.

grammer 3 style 4 effect 6 = 13


Leucotomy – NathanBrazil - LM Contest Entry ( 500 words )

When you're chopping worms for bait, it's okay if heads and tails get mixed up but a contest entry might not be the place for chumming. Somehow the top half of a pregnant wife and the bottom of a sexy client crawled in here and died. Maybe part of them got left outside, when the big crunch came. Losing my mind in the last two steps made me take my eyes off the prize. Which I'd kind of looked forward to, after I got through oggling those thighs.

grammer 2 style 3 effect 6 = 11

Sigg’s scores

caelum - 14/20

The fact that this was an internal dialogue of sorts gave it a lot of leeway in terms of writing mechanics, so I didn't get stuck on anything particular. It felt like you were aiming for an almost inspirational development, unfortunately I think with the limited word count, that sort of turn around in attitude can't be fully realized. The narrative voice was pretty consistent and for the most part felt very real. The bit of humor at end to diffuse the seriousness of the piece was a good choice in my opinion. I took 3 points off for exceeding the word count limit.

moderan - 18.5/20

I liked this one a lot. It was very organic and down to earth, simple yet tangible and real. The subtle details that made this character real are what I could relate to, it reminds me of being broke and in college. Anyone who has lived paycheck to paycheck has faced similar moral dilemas and that true to life feeling came across well in this. Good job.

Kat - 16.5/20

I sort of expected one of the entries to be about a bus to hell, but you had a fun spin on it that kept it from feeling too cliched. There were a few things that irked me a bit about the piece though.

says the psychotically perky chick.

This and all the other little insults/references to the tour guide didn't work for me, mainly because there is no reason to actually hate the tour guide aside from the MC's insults. I know it's difficult to do it in such a short word count, but it would have been more effective for me if you had shown me how awful the tour guide was so I could make my own insults up instead of taking the word of the MC.

OMG there were people snapping pictures.

I'm guessing you did this for the sake of word count, but the text-speak was out of left field and did not fit at all.

The punchline was definitely unexpected, threw me off, which isn't a bad thing.

NathanBrazil - 17/20

Interesting take on the prompt, I knew I could count on your to come screaming out of left field with your hair on fire. You did an excellent job of creating a dislikeable character in just a few short sentences. The scene on the bus is a little unbelievable(why would he agree to put the gizmo on?), but I went along with it for the sake of the SF-ness. It was not really clear what the machine did though. The ending was like a punch in the face, I was left in a daze wondering what the hell just happened.

“Something we use to track down perspective clients.”

perspective = prospective

Thanks for all the submissions, it gave me reading material for the... errr, treadmill.

Like a Fox’s scores

Caelum
Last Bus To Somewhere - 600 Words

I thought a few different things about this one. On the one hand, it was a nicely flowing stream of consciousness. It would act as an excellent prologue to an adventure about to take off. The sense of character was quite good, Dan Radley seemed self deprecating... but the new motivation and his obvious trouble with the transition between the two was well done. It was nice to meet a character at this point. On the other hand, I don’t know that I’d call it a story, not really following any conventions, as we are barely IN the scene, and more firmly rested in the character’s mind. And there’s no real conflict-resolution, more reminiscent-observations on what has passed.

I think you have the great beginning to something here. Something from which to leap.
Had to dock three points for going over the word limit of 500, which leaves us at …

13/20



Moderan
The Last Bus

I couldn’t decide whether I liked that Raymond was talking to himself. It made me question his sanity and I didn’t see him as loopy in any other way. His dialogue could have been just as effective as internal thoughts, I thought. Though it didn’t hold me up drastically or anything, just a thought.

You painted the scene on the bus perfectly, it’s been a long time since I was on one but I was transported instantly. Beautiful, clean, simple prose (my favourite) – A solid story, though ‘moralistic me’ wishes it had ended with him leaving the bike and lamenting his honest nature, or else ‘sadistic me’ wanted a hint of his comeuppance right at the end. My favourite entry nevertheless…

19/20



Kat
Last Bus to Hell

Sounds to me like this character’s personal hell would be Florida, and lots of bowel movements. Haha. Good gag at the end. And I liked the angle you took with the retirement home feel of hell. It sounds okay to me (I cannot maintain my own body temp )

I’m afraid the rest of the humour didn’t work much for me. It got caught in between being serious and funny- I think with such an obnoxious main character in such a short story it would serve the piece well to really amp up his judgemental/frustrated/asshole-iness. Make him really irrational so we have no reason to wonder why he got sent to hell. A few Sp&G things, but otherwise, a clear point A to point B narrative. Nice work…

15/20



NathanBrazil
Leucotomy

Well I think you built up one story at the beginning, very well. The little asides from the narrator through the opening dialogue, making it clear he’s cheating on his wife were well done. I love that technique. Once he got on the bus I got a little lost. The machine made no sense to me, I thought maybe it gave him telekinetic powers, then thought he could read minds, then I thought perhaps the tick-like-worms were his thoughts that the guy was stealing? But that’s all at a guess, and that’s a lot of guesswork for a reader. I think in something so short you have to be kind to your reader. Or maybe I’m a dummy. Either way, I think you were very original with your interpretation of the prompt, and for that you got big points, you just lost a few from me because you made me feel stoopid…

16/20

Thanks so much to the judges, and an extra thank you to ppsage for coming through in a crunch.
Congratulations to everyone who competed and completed this LM.

Thanks all. Congrats Mod and Kat. Sorry for the confusion. Originally I had this at 1000 but couldn't quite make it work at 500. The machine actually harnessed several different powers and these tick-like worms eventually lobotomized Mr. Strater.

Fox- You're right. I tried to do too much. I'm learning- slowly but surely.
Sigg- Yep. I was hoping the Leucotomy title would get the reader to the point where they realized he had been effectively lobotomized but mostly what I managed to do was confuse the reader.
PPSage- Sorry for the curve. Maybe with more words I could've satisfied.
CrazedScribe- You're right I got killed by the word count. I'm hoping to fill in the holes at some point and fleshing this thing out.

Thanks again to all the judges for taking the time to read and score all of the entries.

Thanks for your opinions, everyone. I am disappointed that my entry was docked points for wordcount, because nowhere was such a limit communicated, and because it's silly. I've never entered an LM before, and the only reason mine was 600 and not 1600 words is because I saw the other guys' were 500 so I just ballparked. I even read the little guide here, and though it made a sort of passing mention to the number 500, nowhere did it state that that was the rule for every entry. However, it was your thinking, and not a number, that interested me, so that I appreciate.

That might have been an assumption made by we regular participators, caelum. I hadn't realised this was your first time. (First time is never great, it'll get better )
LM's are always 500 unless you fight with everyone to make them more (as I've done in the past).
It's considered to be a big part of the challenge. In the past we've had entries disqualified for 3 words over.

The reasoning being, everyone needs to be judged within the same parameters. If there's a 1600 word story then that writer has had a lot more room to create interest in their story than the others writing at 500. It's a shame you didn't know and that it wasn't communicated clearly, but that's okay. Live and learn, and you didn't miss out on the $20,000 prize or anything. I foolishly squandered it before we posted the results.

Oh yeah:

Haha. Did you steal that bike mod?

No. I used it as a prompt.

Fox- LOL What did you squander it on?

Magic fava beans. What else?

Oh, and a pet Marmoset.
This is Roger.

That's a little baby big foot. You can't fool me.

Ima steal that guy too.