Thread: 02/26/2010 - "Dream" Scores

I’d like to extend a huge thank you to eggo, moderan and alanmt for judging this round of the LM. Also, thank you to Like a Fox for the prompt, and everyone who entered. Well done, all!

And now, your scores…





SparkyLT - 16, 18, 18, 17 = 69 - Average - 17.25
Detention Veteran - 17, 18, 15, 18 = 68 - Average - 17
Nathan Brazil - 17, 17, 16, 17= 67 - Average - 16.75
Gunslingers Requiem - 19, 19, 16, 19 = 73 - Average - 18.25
Eggo - N/A Judge
Tom - 16, 16, 19, 18 = 69 - Average - 17.25
Sigg - 16, 18, 18, 18= 70 - Average - 17.5
Kat - 17, 17, 15, 17= 66 - Average - 16.5
Saven - 19, 17, 20, 18= 74 - Average - 18.5
Siegfried007 - 19, 19, 19, 19= 76 - Average - 19
Like a Fox - 18, 19, 18, 18= 73 - Average - 18.25





Firsts Place - Siegfried007 !

Second Place - SaVen !

Third Place - Gunslinger's Requiem and Like a Fox (tie) !



Congratulations!


Note: Please let me know asap if there are any errors or omissions. Thank you.

EDIT: Very sorry for the addition mistake, folks. Math was never my good subject. Thank you, Alan.

eggo's Scores


I just want to say that this was one on the hardest LMs that I have ever had to score. The pieces here were the consistently good, which made my job very difficult. And I can honestly say, that I any of these, with work, are of publishable quality.



Sparkylt-Lifetimes
Good opener for this one. I like the voice in this one, although the plot held little surprise.
16/20
Detention Veteran- Obsession
Sometimes awkward;
I always wanted a mysterious man. Now I've got one stalking my imagination without him even realizing it.
Some parts are pretty cool

Of course, in my dreams, I never look away. I let myself be consumed by those eyes.
I would have liked to learn a little more about the characters. Something to define them a bit.
Nice ending.
17/20
Nathan Brazil- God’s Stench
I hit the window of the planchette hard enough to cause an eye to squirt out and skitter away.
Wouldn’t the planchette only have one eye one begin with? So it would be “the eye” I think.
I tried to piece together a thread to weave together the randomness here and couldn’t quite do it. Possibly surfing the web or the forum?
Anyways, I surrendered myself to the flow and enjoyed the haphazardness of it all.
17/20
Gunslingers’ requiem – Something About Daises
are chattering, and there’s a yellow
strike the comma.
This struck me as a visit from a reluctant grim reaper. I liked the allegory of the green sea and the daisies; some real power there.
Well done,
19/20
Tom- Daydreaming
I look up from my folded arms and take notice.
Overstated . He couldn’t look up and then take notice. The act of looking up was taking notice.
I like the idea of this. I remember being a teenager and thinking “What a fuckin mess we are”. This needed another go through for phrasing and word selection.
16/20
Sigg- The Fifth River
“This is HYPNOS, and it produces the serum we are testing. I imagine those four glass tubes up top are the inputs to provide the component mixture, the tank below is where those components are combined and distilled, while the glass tube on the bottom is where the Lethe flows out.” Susan adjusted her glasses in mock modesty.
I get what you were going after here, but in her position as assistant she comes off here over the top.
Nice dialog here. Seemed to roll well. The plot left me looking for a bit more. I went back and reread it thinking that I might have missed something.
16/20
Kat – Desperately Wanting
Desperately wanting, I can think of no better description for how it feels right now-wanting to find some semblance of self in the person that I have become. It’s a raw frenzied feeling that claws at the edges of my chest trying to break free.
Nice
There is no moment for rest or reflection, life is in such a hurry, to go where?
Great line and then you wreck it by adding “to go where?” Let the reader ask this.
Not much new territory here. Woman gets stuck cleaning house; guy is a dink. Difficult to make this new, but good writing almost does it.
17/20
Saven – She Tries
I thought the use of theme here coupled with the prompt was excellent here. Old territory here, but the use transcends this.
Excellent work
19/20
Siegfried007- Dinner at My Place
Great writing. The voice was perfect and the pacing carried me right along.
Plot-wise, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. The “Birdcage” thing teetered on the edge of tired, but you know me; always looking for new plot blends.
19/20
Like a Fox- Nicotine Dreams
I enjoyed the hell out of this one. It exposes the universal truth that you can give up the things you enjoy in life and live a long miserable life.
The conversational tone of this made this work
18/20


Thanks all

moderan's Scores


LM Scores-March-"Dream"

Good round-once again all of the stories were reasonably effective and fitting to the challenge. None of them exceeded wordcount.
Congratulations and thanks to all of the contestants.


Nathan Brazil-God's Stench

17 points

Hmm. It's certainly dreamlike enough, but is more of a vignette than anything else. Nothing in the way of character development or plot/resolution. Has a certain entertainment value in that it is readable and original. SPaG are fine.

Gunslingers Requiem-Something About the Daisies

19 points

A definite dream-logic pervades this tale. Very well-written and engaging. Had to read through a couple of times before I got it, but that's a tribute to the author and my personal density. Daisies, pushing up daisies, daisy chain, I'm half-crazy from trying to fit my head around the story. There's a lot in that 500 words, and more can be read in.

Sigg-the Fifth River

18 points

The operation was a success-the patient died. Memorable for the wicked sense of humor running through the piece and the interesting usage of the motif. I suspect both pills were killers, that'd go along with the premise quite well. This piece has the earmarks of slash and burn editing and would fare better at a greater length-nothing exists about the results of the tests.

Kat-Desperately Wanting

17 points

I found myself trying to figure out whether the protagonist was asleep and dreaming and also dreaming of a way out of the housewifely lifestyle. The clutter and noise and all of that doesn't seem enough to abandon the children and walk out, but that's what the denouement seems to indicate. I'm still trying to find the edges of my chest and just keep pulling out my drawers. That makes for uncomfortable wedgies. It's a clear portrait but not developed as a story.

saVen-She Tries

17 points

The first two lines are almost unfathomable and deep gives way to depthless but soon enough we're back on dry land. A portrait of an abuse victim who seems to have no physical escape, and it works on a basic level but needs far more detail to be convincing.

Seigfried007- Dinner At My Place

19 points

A marvel of economy. The reader can readily supply additional questions that would run through the coed narrator's mind as she prepares to offer herself for her grade. Or not. Doesn't need the extra credit. Could be awkward, the situation. So could the story. Neither are.

SparkyLT-Lifetimes

18 points

The dream is the same as the action in this piece which unfolds nicely. Nothing super-original but not pedestrian either. Perhaps a bit too economical as we learn nothing about any of the characters or their hopes, dreams, and motivations. A few more words woldn't hurt, there's room in this case.

Detention Veteran-Obsession

18 points

A little slice of life, the narrator dreaming internally about a love interest who has an apparently dispassionate manner and a set of baby blues. I'd like to know what the setting is...the bell bothers me and I dunno why. Seems classroom but I think that the influence of the username.

Tom-Daydreaming

16 points

Quite a few spelling errors ("too" too many times in place of "to" and "hurt's" with an apostrophe) and a pretty pedestrian storyline ruined this one for me. There are some good moments and some truth in the capsule portraits but the revelation left me cold. Exactly the kind of ending that I wanted to avoid seeing.

Like A Fox-Nicotine Dreams

19 points

Strangely enough, I didn't have vivid dreams when I quit smoking. I already had them anyway...but the experience rings true enough, and the story reads well enough. Some well-delivered lines, especially the one about refusing hot dream sex for fear of dream AIDS, and usage of the second person in unusual enough (and well-done).

Alanmt's Scores


Literary Maneuvers: Dream
SparkyLT: Lifetimes
I like this piece a lot. Solid use of language and structure, very vivid and real imagery, careful and inspired use of the prompt. My only concerns were that the title didn't seem to fit, and you could have used the extra available words to cement the connection between the past, the dream to the present killing. It is acceptable for an author to leave questions unanswered, but I think a few more hints might have improved the story.
18/20
　
Detention Veteran: Obsession
You sit behind Robert Pattinson's vampire character?  The piece has a nice rhythm to it. You have a consistent voice, it relies a bit too much on cliched phrases but perhaps that is intrinsic to your character. A minor inconsistency that raised a question is why would he try to maintain eye contact if he barely knows the watcher? I feel the piece lacks a bit of completeness - it is more a picture, a glimpse of her mind, than a story.
15/20
　
NathanBrazil: God's Stench
This is fascinating and clever, but bizarre. As a free-form dream-thought, it is interesting and captivating. But it doesn't meet my expectation of a story, instead seeming an ongoing exposition of strangeness. You do fit a lot of imagery into a short piece. Great use of language which seems effortless and not contrived.
16/20
　
GunslingersRequiem: Something About the Daisies
I find this piece a bit more challenging; I feel like I am missing something; not quite getting it. Your style is unmistakable and your tale is vivid. There are a few word choices I think could be improved: "blaring" in front of idiocy to describe cranes, for example.
16/20
　
Eggo: Within the Shell
Dude. You need therapy. Wait, what? The story could have used a little more structural delineation of the scene breaks. I think this story may have been better suited to 1000 words than 500 or edited differently. Its poignancy is buried in distracting oddity.
N/A - Judge
　
Tom: Daydreaming
This is very good, Tom. Fresh and modern and sympathetic. well-written, except for some minor editing issues: Ms Austin's (should be possessive), sickens and hurts (not possessive), enjoy (not enjoying).
19/20
　
Sigg: The Fifth River
I enjoyed this tale quite a bit. Comments: "Lied down"? Your use of the prompt was a bit subtle. It feels a bit shy of finished; could use a touch of editing. I don't like the somewhat cliched "Within moments, he was unconscious" and "He was dead less than ten seconds later."
18/20
　
Kat: Desperately Wanting
A story I can relate to, since my baby is fussing as I judge. There are a few typos, sink for stink, wiper for wipe. The use of the prompt was a bit weak, and the woman's actions didn't live up to the emotions of the first paragraph. Still, you convey her hopeless perserverence well, and I love the sentence about the baby's dreams.
15/20
Saven: She tries
I wish I had something to say about this. I don't. Just about everything about it is right.
20/20
　
Seigfried007: Dinner at my Place
Sieg, you made me laugh. This is a great little story, well-executed, and a humorous use of the prompt. storey = british english spelling, threw me for a second, but certainly ok. I love your main character's "textsfromlastnight" why am I acting like such a slut moment int eh first paragraph.
19/20
　
Like a Fox: Nicotine Dreams
A difficult pov well done, with a lot of twists for a such a short tale. Your dream states are consistent and connected and it makes for a good story. The voice is fun and makes one want to keep reading. And yes, that guy is hot.
18/20

Hawke's Scores

This had to be the hardest competition I’ve ever judged. The caliber of the entries blew me away. Excellent, excellent job, people. Give yourselves a pat on the back.

Just to say. Everyone had typos or nits or missing this and that. I’ll leave it to the authors to find and correct.


Lifetimes - SparkyLT - 17
Ooo, eee, ahh—a dream come true. Short and sweet (in reference to the story length, not the topic). I liked this. A “follow your dreams” type of thing. (Insert tongue in cheek.) Good job.

Obsession - Detention Veteran - 18
Okay, this made me smile. A crush on a school teacher… and so well worded. Good job with this.

God’s Stench - Nathan Brazil - 17
Now that was a wild ride. You know, I used to be upset that I couldn’t remember my dreams. This kind of made me feel grateful… if you pulled some of this from personal experience, that is. Did you? Damn, I should pull out my dream dictionary and look this stuff up. Good work.

Something About the Daisies - GunslingersRequiem - 19
Loved your descriptions. Loved your very odd character. I’d love to see this extended or even worked into something much larger. In other words, this one has its hooks in me and has got me thinking of all the possibilities, even as a sci-fi work. Good job.

Within The Shell - Eggo - N/A - Judge
Ah, you know how much I love reading your work. It’s not for the lazy reader who wants a story handed to them, that’s for sure… which is another reason why I enjoy them. So I was thinking… maybe you could write something horrid so I could feel a shade better about my own dribble? You know, as a friend. Just a thought.

Daydreaming - Tom - 18
Ah, a coming of age work. A good solid work. A few quibbles over a few words and a comma here and there, but still, I enjoyed this.

The Fifth River - Sigg - 18
Talk about corrupting results! Sometimes you can’t win for losing, especially when it’s a no-win situation. So it goes in the pursuit of advancement/fame … or so I hear. Good stuff.

Desperately Wanting - Kat - 17
My countertops are puke-salmon pink, so don’t feel bad. *grin*
As a woman, I’m drawn to this. In fact, I think every man should read this or have it tattooed on some part of their anatomy. Good stuff. Strong work. Sad, too. A lot of truths here. Good job.

She Tries - SaVen - 18
A poignant work. Touching. Good job.

Dinner At My Place - Seigfried007 - 19
Loved this! Meh, and here all through the drive I was telling her not to go. So glad you gave it a lovely twist at the end (though I do wonder if a professor would invite a student for dinner and call them a friend). Good job.

Nicotine Dreams - Like a Fox - 18
No chocolate? That’s not a dream, it’s a nightmare!
Okay, kiddo, have you been spying on my life or are you psychic?--‘cause this sounds awfully familiar. Good job.

Excellent! Congratulations to Sieg, GR, LaF, and Sigg, and of course to the rest of you. A job well done. Sieg and Sigg, that sounds like Haig and Haig-drinks all 'round!

My sincere apologies to Sigg for the score addition mistake and any embarrassment it may have caused. The totals are correct, now.

Again, my apologies.

With a few exceptions; I'm always amazed that the scoring is so close.

Congrats to all the winners and the participants.

A real joy to read and score.

Hawke, Alan, Mod and Pete - Great round of judging, pretty epic with a number of great entries. Really great comments back. Thanks guys.

Seigfried, SaVen, and Gunslinger, congrats gang.

And yay for getting a place.

Wow, it really felt like I was swimming in unfamiliar waters when I wrote my piece — I expected a very low score to be honest. Anyway, congrats to Seigfried, Like a fox, Gunslinger and all the other participants.

Well done, all.

Originally Posted by eggo

I get what you were going after here, but in her position as assistant she comes off here over the top.
Nice dialog here. Seemed to roll well. The plot left me looking for a bit more. I went back and reread it thinking that I might have missed something.

I couldn't think of any other way to get the info across inside such a small word count without using an info dump. I rewrote this 3 times because I kept spilling over the word count by a lot, I didn't really like the end result very much because it felt gutted, so you aren't the only one who felt you there was something missing.

Originally Posted by moderan

The operation was a success-the patient died. Memorable for the wicked sense of humor running through the piece and the interesting usage of the motif. I suspect both pills were killers, that'd go along with the premise quite well. This piece has the earmarks of slash and burn editing and would fare better at a greater length-nothing exists about the results of the tests.

Hm, well the operation was a failure. The idea is that they are trying to develop a reliable way to erase short term memory. To test whether the drug worked, the doctor shows 2 pills beforehand, says that the blue one is poison, then when the patient wakes up, the doctor only shows the blue pill so if the drug does not work, the patient will remember to specifically ask for the red one. Both pills are poison though because as the doctor says, if they use the patient again, he would just remember the red pill from long term memory instead of short term. The biggest failing here was that I had to gut the shit out of this to get it below 500 words, which I think you saw pretty clearly.

Originally Posted by alanmt

I enjoyed this tale quite a bit. Comments: "Lied down"? Your use of the prompt was a bit subtle. It feels a bit shy of finished; could use a touch of editing. I don't like the somewhat cliched "Within moments, he was unconscious" and "He was dead less than ten seconds later."

Hah, yeah... well my use of the prompt had more to do with greek mythology. You know, the river lethe (root of the word lethargy, also allegedly causes the person to forget all memories when they drink the water), running through the cavern of Hypnos (god of sleep). But otherwise, yeah it was a pretty loose connection to dream. I was gonna take it a step further and incorporate the other 4 rivers (hence the name, The Fifth River) Acheron, Cocytus, Phlegethon, and Styx. If I expand this, I will probably do that but in 500 words it just won't work.



thanks to the judges for taking to the time to go through all of the stories.

Originally Posted by Hawke

moderan's Scores
Some well-delivered lines, especially the one about refusing hot dream sex for fear of dream AIDS, and usage of the second person in unusual enough (and well-done).

I meant to say about this - That really happened. My very first night on patches, I was dreaming I was in Oz sharing a bed with Adebisi.... and then I said no because I knew he'd sodomised some other prisoners and didn't want to take the risk. Haha. So angry at myself in the morning.

Congrats all!

Thanks Judges for the helpful comments.

I need to get my to's and too's sorted obviously

Congrats Seig, Saven, Fox and Gunslinger, all four were really good.

+ Thanks for the cheer up Fox. I read your entry a week back when feeling quite mellow and it had me sniggering quietly trying not to wake the 'rents.

Originally Posted by Tom

+ Thanks for the cheer up Fox. I read your entry a week back when feeling quite mellow and it had me sniggering quietly trying not to wake the 'rents.

Haha you're welcome, that's a cool thing to hear.

Sadly I also laugh when I read my stories.