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Thread: 9/29/09 - "Dec 21, 2012" Scores

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    FoWF Hawke's Avatar
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    9/29/09 - "Dec 21, 2012" Scores



    I’d like to extend a huge thank you to Eggo, 2.0 and Edropus for judging this round of the LM. Also, to The Backward OX, Crazed Scribe and DarkDyer for entering. Congratulations and well done, guys.

    And now, your very late LM scores…



    The Backward OX: 15, 18, 18, 17 = 68 - Average = 17
    Crazed Scribe: 17, 17, 16, 18 = 68 - Average = 17
    DarkDyer: 16, 17, 17, 16 = 66 - Average = 16.5



    Note: Please let me know asap if there are any errors or omissions. Thank you.
    Last edited by Hawke; 12-28-2009 at 01:29 AM.
    How To Get Critiques On Your Work: WF is very much a give and take community, meaning the best way to get constructive critiques and comments on your work is to give them to others.
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    Eggo's Scores


    Backward Ox- Apocalypse Then ~ 500 words

    A guy doesn’t come to the end of the world without trying to use it to his advantage. This was fun. A little weird with the untagged dialog and then the addition of a few characters.

    Great nostalgia,

    Not sure I agree about new ideas though. The patent office is full of them.

    18/20
    Crazed Scribe- The Day the World Cracked ~ 482 wds

    The second witching hour began a like glass breaking devastated the peace.
    Some wrong here


    before hand
    Beforehand
    Ran a little like a Twilight Zone episode.
    17/20

    Dark Dyer- Go Out In Flames -- 502 Words

    Roland saw the fear in the man's eyes. He knew what the man was going to say before he did. "It's... the the apocalypse."
    Had a hard time jumping from a huge fire to the end of the earth.

    The winged creature came within closer view of the camera
    Came closer to the camera.

    Kind of cliché here. looking for something different.

    17/20
    How To Get Critiques On Your Work: WF is very much a give and take community, meaning the best way to get constructive critiques and comments on your work is to give them to others.
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    FoWF Hawke's Avatar
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    2.0's Scores


    Disclaimer: I didn't volunteer myself to judge this contest because I don't feel qualified to judge. It seemed like help was needed, and I did my best.

    Apocalypse Then
    The Backward Ox

    I was very interested in the story until I found out what it was about. The voice you used is solid and engaging, but the content seems uninspired for a topic with boundless possibilities. Good mechanics and I appreciate the artistic license you took with some of the grammatical structure. I wish that I would have been able to read your perspective on 2012 instead of a story about the conceptualizing of it, I bet it would have been a great read.
    15/20

    The Day the World Cracked
    Crazed Scribe

    When I was finished reading this, I found myself wishing the word limit was higher. I'd be interested to see your view on how time unravels. I also think it would have greatly helped the flow of the story, the transitions often seemed choppy. There were a couple minor grammatical flaws and a couple transposed words, but that didn't really affect the overall readability - your voice here sounds very natural, though the professor's dialogue didn't really feel like the words of a physicist.
    17/20

    Go Out in Flames
    DarkDyer

    I'm not sure what word counter you used, but by mine you're not over count. In fact, it says you are under with 483 words. No technical flaws that I caught, the only real negative that stuck out to me was the paragraph where you started three sentences in a row with "He (action)". I liked that the first thing to register to him when he flipped on the tv was the color red. Definitely lends itself positively to the atmosphere. A realistic series of events.
    16/20
    Last edited by Hawke; 12-28-2009 at 01:29 AM.
    How To Get Critiques On Your Work: WF is very much a give and take community, meaning the best way to get constructive critiques and comments on your work is to give them to others.
    "Shut up and write something." —eggo
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    Edropus' Scores


    Title: Apocalypse Then
    Author: The Backward Ox

    I really enjoyed the longer sentences here;
    that is, when you break into your natural
    voice. When it feels like I'm listening to
    you talk. It's familiar and comfortable,
    which goes along nice with the relaxed
    punctuation and the subject matter.
    The delivery never really struck me. I
    wasn't ever 100% on exactly what I was
    reading, and that hadn't change for me by
    the end, which detracted from the
    enjoyment.

    Thanks for the chance to judge this.

    17/20

    Title: The Day the World Cracked
    Author: Crazed Scribe

    For a story that I thought started a bit
    slow, you presented a disaster, saw it on
    the news, went to get a professional
    opinion, hinted at a loop at the end and
    even found time to cram in a scientist
    giving a monologue.

    "The day started like any other" and
    similar literary cliches broke up the flow
    a bit.

    I can't help but love a story that
    basically breaks down an end of the world
    script in about 350 words.

    Thanks for the chance to judge this.

    18/20

    Title: Go Out In Flames
    Author: DarkDyer

    For better or worse I like literal
    interpretations - I like my end of the
    world stories to be about the world ending.
    You seem to have taken a biblical, or at
    least mythical, stance with the
    demon-things, which I like - but if you're
    going to jump the fiction fence and
    introduce devils and giant fireballs, I'd
    like to see more of them.

    Thanks for the chance to judge this.

    16/20
    How To Get Critiques On Your Work: WF is very much a give and take community, meaning the best way to get constructive critiques and comments on your work is to give them to others.
    "Shut up and write something." —eggo
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    FoWF Hawke's Avatar
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    Hawke's Scores


    Though the amount of entries was pretty disheartening, the caliber of the entries was certainly not. Thank you, guys!


    Apocalypse Then - The Backward OX - 18/20
    Nits: Maybe I should of said = should’ve

    Boys and their dreams. Heh.

    Funny stuff. Perhaps 2012 will bring about another major baby boom, too. Hmm. Since all the good names like Baby Boomers and Generation X, Y and Z are taken, I wonder what they’ll call them. “Post-2012 baby boom” is just so long. How about “Generation Jones II”?--provided human kind lives through it, that is.


    The Day the World Cracked - Crazed Scribe - 16/20
    Nits: Missing a few commas; The second witching hour began a like glass breaking devastated the peace = need to work on this line; for an emdash, use two dashes or hold down Alt and punch in 0151; t.v. = TV; “Yeah, you think the reason they’re undetectable [is] because…”

    I didn’t latch on to the Neanderthal mention until nearly the end, which was good. You could play that up even more. Though going back and forth in time has certainly been done, this one had the potential for much more and I think suffered from the challenge’s low word count.


    Go Out in Flames - DarkDyer - 17/20
    Nits: 502? Surely you could have whittle out two words or combined a few (they had = they’d) to get the count down. If this had been a big-time challenge, those two words would have disqualified your entry. Just saying.

    The character’s thoughts at the end (God, demons, evil) seemed to come out of the blue, almost as if they were an afterthought. Might want to consider balancing that up a touch.
    How To Get Critiques On Your Work: WF is very much a give and take community, meaning the best way to get constructive critiques and comments on your work is to give them to others.
    "Shut up and write something." —eggo
    Hawke's View

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    Best Seller Crazed Scribe's Avatar
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    Thanks to all the judges for putting in the effort!

    CS
    “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”

    ~ Ernest Hemingway

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    Sorry i missed this. All 3 stories were fantastic to read one after another.

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