Thread: Second Person Scores

Well,

Tia internet access blew up and she's asked me to put a nail in this one. There were only a few entries and I read and scored them along with Leyline and Hawke.

So without further pause,

red pen

19

16

16

Average17

Two.o

16

18

16

Average16.66666667

Cyberspecter

17

17

18

Average17.33333333

Like a Fox

16

16.5

18.5

Average17

Congrats Cyberspecter!

Hawke:

LM Challenge Scores
First, a lil’ sumpin sumpin: The following is only my opinion—one opinion, and should be taken as such. Oh yes, and I had to stop smoking today… which also involves giving up coffee because, really, how can a smoker enjoy a coffee without a cigarette? But anyway. Please don’t say anything positive or negative about the stopping smoking part; I mention it only to forewarn you that my comments may come across as far harsher than intended and/or I may score far harsher than I normally would. In other words, I’m dangerous and don’t know what I’m talking about.



You Realize - Red Pen - 16
I understand that your first sentence sets the scene and tone for the rest of the work, but it lacks the big impact—the one that hooks the reader into making him/her want to read on. And yes, I realize that the title gives away the work in two ways: “you” do realize something, and the word “realize” opens the door to use the word "realize" throughout the story. While the first works perfectly fine, the second is repetitious and, if overused (I counted eight, not including the title), grating. Good stuff here though. Just could use some touch ups. Thank you.


Her name was Ruby - 2.0 - 18
You set the stage and got me crawling and tense with the first paragraph. Super hook. Just because it’s been done a million times does not make it less chilling. Good job. Hate your MC. Thank you.


In The Hall Of Kings, Hungover - Leyline - N/A (Judge)
Now that’s a super first line. Immediate hook. Unfortunately I’m not up to snuff enough at the moment to fully grasp the depth, or even meaning, with only one read-through. Will try again soonest. Thank you.


Guilt Trip - cyberspecter - 17
Nit: reign in - rein in; careful of your tenses.
Again, it’s been done before… but what hasn’t? The first sentence didn’t read right for me. Likely just me though. He went so fast (was thinking about the sister and the timing of the call and all). Not that going fast was a problem. Terrible things have their own agendas. It just felt a touch rushed, which was likely due to the low word count. Good job. Thank you.


Self Deprecating Writer - Like a Fox - 16.5
… and yep, of course it’s been done to bits. But I loved your humor (including how you got the title, which made this reader feel as though I was let in on a secret; the author’s confidant) and all the truisms (to me) of the writer/reader fence made me grin. Good stuff. Thank you.

.hmmessage P { margin:0px; padding:0px } body.hmmessage { font-size: 10pt; font-family:Verdana } Leyline:

Title: You Realize
Author: Red Pen

Interesting little piece. The writing was fine, and technically well done. I must admit that I ended the story with no real clue about who the character was, what sort of world he lived in or what he was going on about. It seemed to be a semi-medieval situation, but the dialogue style was more reminiscent of an A Clockwork Orange-esque near future dystopia. The point of the piece seemed to be the sudden realization of mortality/aging.

All in all, I enjoyed it. Could have been clearer and more precise, however.

Score: 16/20


Title: Her Name Was Ruby

Author: 2.0

Hmm. Oddly, this was another confusing one, while at the same time being well written and technically adroit. Is the viewpoint character a child molester? A pedophile who doesn't act on his urges? It was rough to judge, because some of the humorous bits (the kids terrible singing) were blunted by my dread of what might happen next. The repeated reminders of his/her drooling was strange and, IMO, muddled. I give you much credit for creating a strange atmosphere of dread, though. I just wish the point had been clearer.

Score: 16/20


Title: Guilt Trip

Author: cyberspecter

A powerful and well written exploration of guilt and responsibility divided. I can't say I enjoyed this, but I found it powerful and well done. I do wish that more of the narrative could have been focused on the relationship between father and son, rather than the son's feelings. And, I have to admit, I found the last line to be very much out of tone with the rest, reminding me of a genre horror story rather than the focused melodrama of the story.

That said, it lived up to cyber's usual high standards.

Score: 18/20

Title: Self Deprecating Writer

Author: Like A Fox

Trust you to bring some light heartedness into a so far pretty bleak LM. Fun and funny, just as I expect from most of your shorter work. Some great lines, and probably the most unique use of the prompt in all the entries. I especially liked the pretend egoism of the last line. It reminded me of myself as I write a story, torn between thinking it's the greatest thing ever and the biggest piece of crap known to man.

Score: 18.5/20

Eggo

Quick comments guys.

Red Pen- You Realize

You scuff your boot along the sidewalk. You realize that it is not the excitement. You realize it is not the passion. You realize it is not the loss.

You realize it is the moment.

The moment that is replaced by another moment, which is then replaced by another. Every moment that passes takes you away from the last moment. And, you realize,

Five realizes in a short span.

Liked this

19

2.0 – Her name was Ruby

Disturbing. Seemed to read well enough, but the subject matter left me cold.

16

Leyline- In the Hall of the Kings

A little Greig, perhaps?

I thought this was excellent. I read this last night and then again today and still am a bit baffled. But where the story lost me, the stunning prose carried this.

Thanks

Cyberspecter – Guilt Trip

She’s a little slower moving these days, especially the last three months- ever since The Day.

She’s moving a little slower these days,

Good story. It seemed as though you were a little uncomfortable with second person, but it could be me.

17
Like a Fox- Self Depreciating Writer

words and feeling nothing but pity for the poor saps who read this.

laughing like hell.

Liked the honesty and style

Finally. Sheesh!

To the people slightly baffled by my entry:

It's Loki, 'waking up' Odin in the modern world to prepare for Ragnarok, just around the corner. Odin had been a high-powered corporate exec in this world. That's what the 'workplace toys' referred to. Odin had a ship that could be folded up and put into a pocket, built for him by the Dwarves when they built Mjonlir. The parallel with modern 'fold-up' tech was too delicious to ignore.

Tons of other edda bits n' pieces in there. I'm quite proud of it, even if it's a cheat. LOL. Not really second person. Loki gives it away before the end.

I get it now, Leyline.

I thought the reference to Loki was done in passing.

Cool stuff

That was a tough assignment! Thanks judges! Congrats to all who entered! Just writing second person is tough stuff.

I think I missed Ox's entry!