Thread: 6/30/09 - 'The Dead Don't Die' Scores

Sorry for the delay everyone, but the scores are set and ready to go. Firstly, I want to send out a huge thank you to Tom, Like A Fox, and alanmt for judging this round. It really does take a fair bit of time and effort to do the judging, so these three people are beyond awesome.

Also, a second thanks goes to Like A Fox for providing this contest's theme.

And now let's get down to business:

alanmt - A Tale of the Christ - N/A
cyberspecter - A Killer Among Us - 17, 15, 15, 16 = 15.75
Leyline - Butterfly-Shaped Objects - 19, 18, 19, 19 = 18.75
SparkyLT - For Lack of a Better Name - 16.5, 16, 15, 14 = 15.375
Newnonel - He - 14, 17, 14, 13 = 14.5
Robosquad - Playing Dead - 16, 19, 19, 15 = 17.25
Crazed Scribe - The Living Don't Live - 17, 18, 16, 14 = 16.25
edropus - Poc's Gonna Kill Someone - 16, 17, 18, 19 = 17.5
eggo - Not Quite - 19, 17, 20, 20 = 19

First Place - eggo

Second Place - Leyline

Third Place - edropus

Congratulations, you three! Let's everyone give them a nice round of applause! And to all our entrants!

(Note: If you see any errors or omissions, don't hesitate to let me know.)

Title: A Tale of the Christ
Author: Alanmt

Dialogue was a bit stilted. Theme and content will seem sacrilegious to some Christians.
Score: unscored judge entry.

Title: A Killer Among Us
Author: cyberspecter

A cool little tale which kept my attention, but was just vague enough to leave me a bit dissatisfied. The correlation between murder and writing seemed a little disconsonant. Here and there, as in your description of the 80’s couple, cliché creeps in.

Score: 15/20

Title: Butterfly-Shaped Objects
Author: George Potter

I am impressed with how much you manage to do in 489 words, craft a complete story, tell it beautifully in prose that seems poetic yet has remarkable clarity, and explore complex underlying social themes. My only negative comment would be that the reference to the prompt seems fairly gratuitous.
Score: 19/20

Title: For Lack of a Better Name
Author: SparkyLT

This is a solid, enjoyable short, but it needs a little grammatical work in a few spots. You have several very fine passages, but then a tiny bit of awkward phrasing catches me up. Cut the phrase about daring to be cliché. It should be “B-rated”. The end is too abrupt, a common problem I have with these challenges. The story is worth editing and keeping, as you climb a nice stair from the universal experience of new love to the unusual circumstance of abuse to the very rare circumstance of witnessing suicide.
Score: 15/20

Title: He
Author: Newnonel

This does not seem like a complete story to me, but rather the first chapter of a much larger work; it is like a character background to prepare for a story, and we get the first touch of that story in the last sentence with the reference to Eliza. Some words and phrases don’t sound right, like “right at the depths” instead of in the depths, and monotones instead of monotonies. “Of Course” should be used exceedingly sparingly.
Score: 14/20

Title: Playing Dead
Author: Robosquad

This was great! Sad and fascinating and whimsical and funny. I don’t really have to much to say about it. It would get a perfect score but there were a couple of times where you made an assertion that my mind didn’t want ot quite accept, I asked why internally, and it interrupted the flow.
Score: 19/20

Title: The Living Don’t Live
Author: Crazed Scribe

I like the plot of your story quite a bit, but I would like to know why the brother is raising the dead. (Also, why does he need to pull skeletons out of graves when he just killed all of the villagers) The way the story is written it feels like descriptive and informational pieces are missing –like you have this great story in your head but it didn’t all make it to the page. Very good ending.
Score: 16/20

Title: Untitled or Poc’s Gonna Kill Someone
Author: Edropus

The writing here is very solid, both grammatically and in consistency of voice.
Score: 18/20

Title: untitled
Author: Pawn

Shame on you to tantalize us with this wonderful short and leave us hanging, wanting more but unfulfilled.
Score: unscored nonentry

Title: Not Quite
Author: Eggo

Complete and well-executed. Oh yeah, and funny too. The right touch on everything. Solid ending. Has a Big Lebowski feel to the style.
Score: 20/20

Cyberspector – A Killer Among Us

The concept was interesting, but I felt it lacked punch. I think that had something to do with the narrative of the piece. It was like a memoir with too much information packed into it and left me with nothing but questions. Usually, I’d find that a good thing but with this being a single piece, I just feel as a reader I’ve been cheated. I want to know more about these voices and his reasoning’s to kill. What you have here is a complex and interesting character, I just don’t think you’ve tried to do too much with him. Nevertheless, it was worth the read and apart from one or two sentences flowed well.
15/20

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SparkyLT - For Lack of a Better Name

Great story. You managed to get the characters down well, even with such limited word count, which made it easier to understand her reasons for taking him back. The only real problem I had was how much the piece actually related to the theme of the challenge. It seems like this was merely an opening. I mean, sure, if you look deeper into the piece I guess you could say that to her, Sven was dead long before he was actually dead due to his nasty phone calls, but still, it felt like an unfinished story.
16/20

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Leyline – Butterfly-shaped Objects

This was different, which was probably why it interested me so much. I thought you made out the character well, and even her dialogue seemed far beyond her years, it just seemed to suit her. The only feeling I have that’s mixed is the ending. The first time I read it I thought it fitted well, but the second time I just felt as if it were missing something. I think that might be personal preference though. Technically though, it was beautiful and the concept was unusual and dark which attracted me.
18/20

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Newnonel – He

Okay, when I started reading this, admittedly I thought it was going to be one of those cheesy assassin stories, but the more in-depth it got the more you persuaded me it wasn’t. The only real problem I had was that you seemed to rush the last three lines, which ruined the atmosphere you were building. It was disappointing, because the concept you created in those last few lines was a clever one. I guess you can blame that on the word count though. Overall, this was an enjoyable read, well done.
17/20

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Robosquad – Playing Dead

I loved this. You did the one thing I wanted to see, a zombie story, but interesting and different. I enjoyed the concept and the way you portrayed the character and his thoughts. I haven’t really got much else to say really. The story flowed well and I couldn’t stop reading. Great piece.
19/20

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Crazed Scribe – The Living Don’t Live.

Like Robosquad, you interested me with a zombie story, which is an achievement in its own right. I hate Zombies. I loved the concept of giving the soul back to the corpses so they could finish of Mahli. Technically it was very good, and even though I may be bias seeing as I’ve critiqued a lot of your previous work, I feel this one of your best yet. Thanks for the read.
18/20

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Eggo – Not Quite

Who knew you could incorporate a light, comedic mood into such a theme? Obviously you did. I really enjoyed this. You really nailed the dialogue and it was just so easy to read. The ending was funny and overall, an enjoyable read.
18/20

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Edropus – Untitled

Its times like these I hate being so unintelligent. This piece was beautifully written and easy to read, I just believe I missed out on something. The second to last paragraph seriously confused me. I think I understand Poc and his problems, but I can’t figure out Jack. It left me very…boggled to say the least, but I don’t blame that on you as a writer. It must just be me.
17/20

A Tale of the Christ
alanmt

Haha! Won't say too much about this. But loved it, bit of a giggle. You'll be the next Dan Brown with this conspiracy theory.

0/0 - Judge Entry

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A Killer Among Us
Cyberspecter

Great opening line. I liked the undiscovered serial killer route. Though I was kind of like Did he really kill anyone else? Because you chose not to focus on that. I wonder whether I’ve missed a cultural/political/social reference with the couple he didn’t kill. Seemed like it was a quiet reference to something well known, that I didn’t know.

The writing was very smooth, no grammatical or spelling hiccups, and nice prose. The kind of writing where you forget it’s writing – That’s a good thing.

I felt like a few things were elusive which was my only real problem with it. Otherwise, I enjoyed the story. I first read all entries in one sitting to see which stuck out. This is one of the ones that did, though I think mostly for that killer opening. Good job.

17/20

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Butterfly Shaped Objects
Leyline

A beautiful poetic little story. (Reminded me of Born on a Blue Day- Inside the Extraordinary Mind of an Autistic Savant. In terms of the girl and the different way she sees the world). I think you did a lot with very few words. I really liked the second paragraph. No spelling or grammar that bothered me, I liked the tone and voice, especially the little life lessons from the narrator:
Some lies are told too well, and believed too deeply.

The ending tied in the prompt which otherwise I was worried didn’t really relate to the story. But as the mourners listened to the plastic butterfly wings, well I thought, she was right.

Nice work. The most well rounded story of the bunch for me.
Sans one point for being a little ambiguous with the prompt.

19/20

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For Lack of a Better Name
Sparky LT

This is another of the stories that stuck with me after reading through the first time. The title made me laugh, because I hate the name Sven. Was that the joke? Haha. Pretty heavy ending, which I think you managed pretty well. The tone from the beginning does not give away how it will end, but it does foreshadow it nicely. In other words I don’t feel like you were too light hearted, and then went for drama. Which would have been a bit trite.

The bottle brought me out of the story a bit. I guess I didn’t buy into him being an alcoholic and a teenager, and he didn’t necessarily need to be. Could just be my own teenage experience impeding my perceptions. But you set up the innocent giggly teen relationship then added booze. Didn’t quite fit for me.

Otherwise, I liked the voice, it rang true, mature but of the right age. Spelling and grammar were no issue for me, a few awkward word choices that, if I were to do a full crit I would recommend cutting. More fake for example sounded a bit clunky. But you did a nice job with a heavy subject and made me believe it.

16.5/20

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He
Newnonel

The first few paragraphs were a bit of a stumble to get through for me. Some overly complicated grammar and repetitive words marred what you were trying to say. Also some blatant wrong words – trail = trial, when = went.

By paragraph five and six I feel like you’re getting into it a bit more and it reads smoother. I’m not sure I liked the effect of the italics in the next paragraph. The point you were making could have been made just as easily without the italics, or without so many.

The ending threw me. Who is Eliza Den? I wasn’t sure whether she was a victim of his, or totally unrelated. All that said I did like the story. Some nice lines: For humans have habits, and habits are their downfall. I’m not sure it moved forward though. This could be a good prologue to a longer work, that’s how it feels to me.

14/20

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Playing Dead
Robosquad

Another one that stuck with me. The oozing mush tongue made me simultaneously laugh and feel sick. I was expecting someone would do a walking dead, not a zombie though which was cool. Your prose is nice, sometimes a little over the top. Once again if I were to do a full crit, I would say there are a few superfluous words in there.

But I really enjoyed the story. Opened well, nice smirk-worthy humour, the ending was okay. I guess I wanted to know if he succeeded in becoming really dead, or just laid there awake pretending to be really dead. But I get that it was left up to the reader.

I liked the joke about the string of consonants, but it bugged me that he couldn’t remember the name of the syndrome, only because it took any meaning out of what the syndrome was called, which would have made the story as a whole more sound I think.

Overall, nice job.

16/20

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The Living Don’t Live
Crazed Scribe

A nice little fantastical piece. I confess I didn’t like it as much the first time I read it, but upon re-reading I thought it was pretty well done. I felt like it should have been written in present tense, the past tense kind of held it back. If you were to rewrite, I’d say try and do that, see how it works for you, for this particular story I think it would make it stronger.

You obviously have knowledge of fantasy as I found your surreal descriptions quite believable, despite their briefness. Shows that you have a good understanding of what you wanted to convey.

Cool twist at the end, giving the corpses back their souls to turn on their creator. Good use of the prompt. Could use a bit of a language polish, but that’s where I think the different tense would help it a lot.

17/20

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Poc’s Gonna Kill Someone
Edropus

A great premise, that I feel fell a little short in execution. Trying to remember it after my first read, the strongest image was Poc and his gallon of milk. I felt that was equal parts poignant and gross. Which worked really well for me. Actually that sums up the whole story, gritty real life stuff. The ciggie hacking was pretty yuck too, but I like how the only female in the story is kinda disgusting. Changes expectations, which I like.

I think the opening paragraph is where you lost me a bit, it set an entirely different tone to what actually followed and really didn’t suck me in. Actually, looking at it again, you could cut that whole first paragraph and it’d almost be better.

I liked this line a lot: To Poc, today is tomorrow is yesterday: Great summary of a man who’s lost his sense. Sad story, I see a lot of potential in it.

16/20

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Not Quite
Eggo

Laughed out loud four times reading this. Which is a pretty excellent achievement considering, I don’t often laugh out loud when reading (the other café patrons looked concerned) and you did so every 125 words.

Not the most original concept for the theme, but executed so nicely that it was hardly a concern. The dead smart-ass? Awesome. They’re usually employed there just had me snickering again.

No complaints at all. Your MC said How the hell… twice in quick succession, but given his circumstance that repetitiveness was believable.

Kudos for the rigor mortis joke, and thanks for the laugh.

19/20

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Thoroughly enjoyed judging this round. Some seriously solid stories, well done everyone

alanmt - A Tale of the Christ

An amusing version of the Christ story. My only problem with it is the way it consists mostly of talking heads.

N/A

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cyberspecter - A Killer Among Us

An interesting take on the theme. Technically sound as well, but I didn't really feel like your crazy, psychopath killer was complicated enough to really keep me interested in the story.

16/20

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Leyline - Butterfly-Shaped Objects

A very creative story, featuring a very compelling little girl. Interesting message as well. This took two reads for me to fully appreciate it, but despite my first failed attempt, I thought it was a great story.

19/20

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SparkyLT - For Lack of a Better Name

I liked the last line of this quite a bit. Didn't really care for the rest of the story though. Stock characters doing predictable things. After he verbally bashed her for the first time, I said outloud "He's either going to kill her by the end of this story, or himself." I had hoped you'd surprise me, but I was disappointed.

14/20

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Newnonel - He

Some typoes and misspelled words in this piece. And I'm not entirely sure why his job seemed to require him to bury (or simply dispose of) people while they were still alive. If you're getting buried in concrete, you're obviously not going to be alive for much longer, so why's it so important that he keeps them alive?

13/20

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Robosquad - Playing Dead

I was waiting for a zombie-esque story. I liked that he built his own coffin so he could finally die properly, but I thought most of the story was a little too caught up in the details of being undead, rather than fleshing out (bad pun intended) your MC.

15/20

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Crazed Scribe - The Living Don't Live

Interesting story about ressurecting the dead, but my enjoyment was lessened due to the lack of a motive. Why's he bringing the dead back to life? Selfish reasons, I assume, but in the absense of a better explanation, it seems like he wants to seize power simply because he can. Not the most complex villan ever.

14/20

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edropus - Poc's Gonna Kill Someone

I enjoyed this. Didn't fully understand it the first time, but I do enjoy when stories are too clever for me and require a second read. Loved the character of Poc, especially his dialogue.

19/20

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eggo - Not Quite

This was hilarious. Loved the dialogue and the witty responses of the MC. The last line actually made me laugh outloud.

20/20

Great comments from the judges. Thanks to you all. Looking forward to the next one (which I'm juding).

Hey, Tia -- put me down as willing to judge every other LM, if you want. That will give me a nice balance of entering/judging.

Can do, Leyline. Thanks! And congratulations!

Congratulations to the winners! Well deserved!
Many thanks to the judges for another outstanding job.
I look forward to the next challenge.

Congrats all.

Fairly pleased with my scores. Er...everyone understood that my story wasn't actually about the undead, right?

And I know I'm not a judge, but I have to say this. As soon as I read Edropus' story, I thought "If this doesn't win, there is no justice." My opinion hasn't changed. That was excellent.

Some great stories here.

Thanks to the judges for their time and trouble, esp Alanmt who stuck with it and got it done.

And the great prompt as well.

Congrats to the other winners. 1,2, 3 IMHO is subjective in this case.