Thread: 5/30/09 - 'Rewrite a Fairy Tale' Scores

Everything's all read, scored, and prepared, boys and girls. Before we get to the scores, however, I just want to extend a massive thank you to moderan, Leyline, and SparkyLT for volunteering to judge this LM. Remember, people, judges are what keeps these challenges forthcoming.

Also, Sparky gets a double thank you for providing this contest's theme as well. Thanks, Sparky!

Without further ado, here are the results:

Leyline - Lil' Red, Ridin' High - N/A
AA - The Boy Who Cried Wolf - 15, 10, 10, 17.5 = 13.125
cyberspecter - Grimm's Tales of the Mean Streets - 17, 16, 19, 18 = 17.5
Amber Leaf - Little Red - 14, 11, 6, 17 = 12
Tom - Beauty and the Beast - 16, 15, 16, 15 = 15.5
Crazed Scribe - The King of Nought - 18, 18, 7, 16 = 14.75
Detention Veteran - Shrooms and Schnapps - 20, 18, 17, 14 = 17.25
alanmt - A Queen's Burden 17, 19, 15, 16 = 16.75
seigfried007 - Pieces of Ass - 18, 18, 18, 17 = 17.75
joifulartist84 - The Pinelands - 17, 18, 7, 15 = 14.25
Like a Fox - Mermaids Can't Dance - 20, 16, 13, 19 = 17
eggo - Hanson and Regretals - 17, 16, 14, 16 = 15.75

First Place - seigfried007

Second Place - cyberspecter

Third Place - Detention Veteran

Congratulations, you three! Let's everyone give them a nice round of applause! And to all our entrants!

(Note: If you see any errors or omissions, don't hesitate to let me know.)

Title: The Boy Who Cried Wolf, Modernized
Author: AA

First off, congrats for picking a tale no one else did. I've always sort of imagined the original story as a sort og Alfred Hitchcock Presents kinda story, so this fit in well with my own bizarre aesthetic. Heh.

Enjoyed this story. It has an excellent setup and lead in, though I felt the ending was a bit rushed. I liked the police-procedural style language. Simple, blunt sentences and naturalistic dialouge.

The first paragraph should be broken up a bit. The whole story's effectiveness is compromised somewhat by not entirely knowing if the woman's powers were genuine. Ambiguity, oddly, works better in longer work. When writing at this limit, you should almost stick to the facts.


Score:17.5/20

Title:Grimm’s Tales of the Mean Streets
(Little Red Riding Hood)
Author: Cyberspecter

I knew Little Red was going to be the big one. Its lessons on little girls and wolves still hold true, alas. Neil Gaiman did something very much like this in one of his early stories (Sing A Song Of Sixpence) and I've seen the basic premise: P.I. in fairytaleland quite a few times. I enjoyed this one for the fun, good-natured parody of the Chandlerian style and the entertaining handling of each expected element. I think the short length really hampered this one, as the true enjoyment of the genre are the convoluted twists and turns. This would have been much more impressive in longer form.

Score: 18/20


Title: Little Red
Author: Amber Leaf

As I said, the wolves and little girls thing still holds water, folks. A swift and darkly funny little episode.

Score: 17/20

Title: Beauty & The Beast (Modernized)
Author: Tom

Allright Tom, this one pissed me off. It pissed me off because it's a damn good little story -- well conceived, paced nicely, the theme well and truly rethought, funny as hell -- and you make it completely unbelievable by giving it the viewpoint of an apparently much older guy. Tom, the narrator is a teenager and if this story had been from a proper teenaged viewpoint your score would be much higher and this may have been the Best In Show.

Now. Rewrite this dammit. And do it right. And don't let me see you in here again, you hear?

Score: 15/20 (Damn you, Tom!)

Title: The King Of Nought
Author: Crazed Scribe

I feel like I should really rate this story higher. It's beautifully told, clever and a lot of fun. But, to me, it reads almost like a traditional fairy tale. I'm looking for and expecting a different sort of rethinking, I guess, in regards to the contest.

CS, do yourself a favor: expand this, polish it and send it to Strange Horizons -- they buy quite a few re-told fairy tales and this has the potential to be better than any of the ones I've read there.

Score: 16/20

Title:'Shrooms and Schnapps (A Retelling of 'Rumplestiltskin)
Author: Detention Veteran

And this one has almost the opposite problem. When you modernize something you should try to avoid including really annoying modern things. There were some funny lines here, but they are outweighed by attempted funny lines, unfunny lines and the afterthought of the Rumplestiltkin plot. This may have actually been better if it had been just outright "Wunct wuzza dumb ol' boy name Rumple," trailer-trash comedy.

Score: 14/20

Title: A Queen's Burden (Snow White)
Author: alanmt

Another beautifully told story that just doesn't seem all that different to me, so far as style and meaning go. The reversed POV was well done and the writing was lovely. I think young Snow whould have been a more chilling menace if she'd been quieter, less overt. A little Dwarf foreshadowing would have been nice too. alan, I'm gonna give you the same advice I gave CS: expand, polish, submit to Strange Horizons. And dammit, there's another decent paying mag that takes a lot of retolds...I'll look it up.

Score: 16/20

Title: Pieces Of Ass
Author: siegfried007

Superb little vignette. I thought 'Sounds like a poem' and the next day you posted the poem version. Heh. Beautifully staged and layered, fascinating flashes of almost-characters, then it ends. My only problem is that it isn't really a story, IMO. It's a piece of a story I'd very much like to read, but that's what it feels like: a piece of a story. Consider this score a hopeful sign of a possibly longer work to come?

Score: 17/20

Title: The Pinelands
Author: joifulartist84

Really promising crime writing. You have an excellent sense of direction and action. You're also efficient -- you crammed quite a bit of story into that short space. Unfortunately, I just didn't really see the parallels to Hansel & Gretel other than an old lady with a weird house and an oven. This does read like the beginning of a crime novel I'd kick back and stay up late with, though.

Score: 15/20

Title: Mermaids Can't Dance
Author: LikeAFox

Sweet. If Disney ever needs anyone to adapt their films into under-a-thousand-word semi-erotic short fictions (and I see this day just around the corner), you should apply for the job.

Slick, alternately horrible and funny, and finally sad little take on the Mermaid story. Great buildup, quick middle, nasty lil' denouement. Good stuff. Like knives in the feet, little girl. Ha! Best In Show.

Score: 19/20

Title: Hanson And Regretals
Author: eggo

Hard to get rid of the little shits these days, ain't it? This jetset take on the H&G story had me smirking all the way through, but it's pretty obvious you rushed. The excellent story flow I expect from one of your pieces is really choppy here, and it's almost like I can tell that in certain places you needed more room to make the joke work better. I wish you'd had more time with this one. Still good fun and the ending is wonderful!

Score: 16/20

Lil' Red, Ridin' High; Leyline *Judge Entry*
18\20
Bit sorry this was a judge entry. I enjoyed it. The tone could've easily been overdone and gotten annoying, but instead, I just
found it amusing. One sentence read awkwardly, but that was it.

The Boy Who Cried Wolf, Modernized; AA
10\20
I like the idea, but it should've had some element of suspense. The ending came out of nowhere - maybe if there'd been some
mention of heart problems before, it would've been better. I did like the irony at the end.

Grimm's Tales of Mean Streets; Cyberspecter
19\20
I actually laughed out loud. Thank you. The first paragraph is a bit dry, and there was a run-on sentence towards the end, but
otherwise, nice one.

Little Red; Amber Leaf
6\20
Ripe with grammatical errors. A few typos\misspellings as well. The story itself had merit, but it ended up being flat and
boring.

Beauty and the Beast, Modernised; Tom
16\20
I liked it until the sixth-to-last paragraph. At that point, the pacing went all wrong - it started out as a slow, regular story, but
it suddenly became a 'as the years pass' type of thing. Aside from that, well done.

The King of Nought; Crazed Scribe
7\20
It felt like you were going more for 'how many fairy tales can I reference' than 'how good can I make this story'. The
individual sections felt disjointed. The ending did make me smile, though.

'Shrooms and Schnapps; Detention Veteran
17\20
Cute. I don't like caps used for emphasis (hurts the eyes in my opinion). The pop culture references made no sense in the
context, which was kind of amusing but more disorienting. I would've cut off after the messenger being in the bushes;
methinks Narnia was stretching 'fairy tale' too far.

A Queen's Burden; Alanmt
15\20
A few typos. Overly descriptive at times, to the point of being wordy. The last paragraph doesn't fit in with the Queen's voice.
But I really liked the different take on the story.

Pieces of Ass; Seigfried007
18\20
Some of the sentences seemed too long, but other than that, I have no technical complaints. It just didn't grip me; I couldn't
give it a 20.

The Pinelands; Joifulartist84
7\20
The beginning was a bit confusing, and the end was unexpected in a bad, "what?" kind of way. Apart from the names (which
were clever, I must say), I didn't really see much of any connection to the original tale.

Mermaids Can't Dance; Like a Fox
13\20
A grammar error here and there, but nothing major. My main problem is the switch between times\places. it pulled me out
of a story I was just starting to get into and messed with my perspective.

Hanson and Regretals; Eggo
14\20
Again, some grammar problems, but not so bad that they detracted fom the story. It came across as kind of dry and flat, but
the ironic parallels between this and 'Hansel and Gretel' and the fairy-tale-esque humor saved it.

LM Fairy Tales

"moderan" notes

I do want to say thank you to all who participated. Please bear in mind that while I am a harsh critic, I bear no personal animus toward anyone, and none of the comments below are directed at your person(s). Spelling and punctuation are my particular bugaboos as they are the easiest to teach (or learn).
That said, here we go:

Title:The Boy Who Cried Wolf, Modernized
Author: AA

I'm sorry, but this doesn't work at all well for me. The first problem is consistent awkward sentence and paragraph structure. The sequence about the dog doing its business was far too long, badly-phrased, and in the wrong place in the narrative. That it had such prominence made me believe that the piece would be about dog doo.
I would have stopped after "carpet" and then made a new paragraph with Meryl picking up the phone.
The piece reads like a first draft-the paragraph with Meryl waking up in pain is really murky and hard to follow. She's just woken up, or she's going back to sleep? A little more care with those details, and this could have been an ok piece. It was never going to be a worldbeater, but I would have settled for ordinary.
On the plus side, there weren't any typos that I noticed. The plot does develop, and the character is reasonably well-drawn.

Score: 10/20

Spelling/Grammar: 3/5
Tone and Voice: 3/5
Effect: 4/10

***
Title: Grimm’s Tales of the Mean Streets
Author: cyberspecter

I almost laughed out loud in a couple of places. The hard-boiled tone is just right, and though there are a couple of grammatical errors, nothing is so egregious as to detract from enjoying the story. For example, he'd go over the river instead of the hill to get to Grandma's house. The sequence about Wood Cutter is also extremely awkward-better to have it as something like: "After talking to Wood Cutter, the man with the axe..."

Score: 16/20

Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone and Voice: 5/5
Effect: 7/10

***

Title: Little Red
Author: Amber Leaf

There are awkward phrasings and missing words in the first paragraph. In the second sentence, it is unclear which of the three parties mentioned don't go to school. The third sentence is missing a "she". "Estates" are generally not rough territory. There is a raft of incorrect word usage, for example "smelt" for "smelled". Quotation marks are missing in another case.
The story depends on shock value for what impact it has, portraying Little Red Riding Hood in crackhead city. But it isn't realistically depicted, there's no character development at all, and the general lack of care exhibited in the writing made me not care either.

Score: 11/20

Spelling/Grammar: 2/5
Tone and Voice: 4/5
Effect: 5/10

***

Title: Beauty and the Beast (Modernised)
Author: Tom

The first paragraph was almost funny and kept me going, despite an awkward turn of phrase (the second sentence). I got lost a little when her chest fell toward the narrator as I didn't know she was carrying one. The piece kinda peters out after that. The revelation that the narrator got lucky and then became moderately attractive was just blah. Still, the piece is for the most part competently put together with no spelling errors and only minor grammatical ones.

Score: 15/20

Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone and Voice: 4/5
Effect: 7/10

***

Title: The King of Nought
Author: Crazed Scribe

Consistent tone and attention to detail drive this piece. The dovetailing of unrelated stories into one tale works very well and the plot was well-worked-out. No major or minor spelling errors. Enjoyable, nice flow to the telling.

Score: 18/20

Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone and Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8/10

***

Title: 'Shrooms and Schnapps
Author: Detention Veteran

No typos or egregious grammatical errors here. The second sentence should be two separate sentences, with a period in place of the comma, but that's it. Interesting how the hard-boiled voice surfaces in piece after piece here. The voices differ somewhat, though, which is the saving grace for us judge types. Here Rumpelstiltskin is a grifter, plying his various trades. Everything works decently, and the plot gears spin accurately.

Score: 18/20

Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone and Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8/10

***

Title: A Queen's Burden
Author: alanmt

Nice spin on Snow White (the prequel!). Perhaps a little Kipling? No errors in grammar or spelling to speak of. Voice is consistent throughout. The image of the birds being tossed into the air and hitting the ground is striking and will stay with me for a bit.

Score: 19/20

Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone and Voice: 5/5
Effect: 9/10

***

Title: Pieces of Ass
Author: Seigfried007

Here the homunculus is the sexual object of a "blue-haired fairy", who may be a social butterfly, a bit-torrent client, or one of a number of comic-book, tv, or gaming characters. Feel free to google and decide for yourself. My guess is that the "fairy" bit refers to same-sex attraction, since the narrative voice indicates that predelection. A certain part of Pinocchio grows when he tells untruths. In this case it isn't his schnozz.

Score: 18/20

Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone and Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8/10

***

Title: The Pinelands
Author: joifulartist84

Hansel and Gretel meet the Sopranos in south Jersey. Interesting take on the tale, well-told. I was waiting for the Jersey Devil to show up, but that didn't happen. Readable nonetheless. No serious grammatical or spelling errors.

Score: 18/20

Spelling/Grammar: 5/5
Tone and Voice: 5/5
Effect: 8/10

***

Title: Mermaids Can't Dance
Author: Like a Fox

Several spelling and punctuation errors mar this otherwise decent piece taking off on "the Little Mermaid", turning the innocent title character into a stripper with a potty mouth. I dunno if the subject qualifies as a fairy tale but it doesn't really matter. Not much plot, no character development, just the sordid turnaround for novelty effect. Not awful, but not earthshaking either.

Score: 16/20

Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone and Voice: 5/5
Effect: 7/10

***

Title: Hanson and Regretals
Author: eggo

I can't assume that "regrettals" isn't mispelled according to the author's intent, so no points off for that. Several punctuation errors, though. The narrative tone is excellent, part "Grimm's" voice and part NYC moderne. Consistent, plot develops well. Grandma does a good Pryor impression.

Score: 16/20

Spelling/Grammar: 4/5
Tone and Voice: 5/5
Effect: 7/10

Leyline - Lil' Red, Ridin' High

This was excellent! Without a doubt my favorite. Too bad I can't give you a score. Thanks for putting this up there anyways. Great, great stuff.

N/A - Judge Entry

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AA - The Boy Who Cried Wolf

I want to say this is predictable, but then again, everyone who knows 'The Boy Who Cried Wolf' is going to say that. I didn't feel that this was a very clever retelling though. It's technically proficient; it just lacks that extra something to make it great.

15/20

---

cyberspecter - Grimm's Tales of the Mean Streets

I really liked the way you combined so many different fairy tales into this. It made me crack a smile every time I saw a reference to another story. I enjoyed this, but I didn't like the 'what big [blank] you have' part. Thought it was a tad too corny, and I think the story would have been better served if you left it more subtle. Still, an enjoyable take on a classic tale.

17/20

---

Amber Leaf - Little Red

Another Little Red Riding Hood retelling. That one seems to be the favorite. There were a few bobbles in the writing:

“Don’t you be talking to any smack heads either?” Her Mother said to her.

No question mark necessary here.

Little Red crouched down to a bed of daffodils and smelt the pollen.

I know 'smelt' is a word, but it's a very obscure one that sounds wrong because it's so majorly unused. I would stick with 'smelled' unless the entire story was told in obscure language.

You’re only young aren’t you?”

'Only'? I think maybe you meant 'awfully' or something along those lines.

I haven't pointed out all of them, but the many little mistakes show a real lack of editing, so you're going to lose a couple points for that. About the story itself, I thought it was kind of a generic retelling. It lacked any real pizazz.

14/20

---

Tom - Beauty and the Beast

There were a few run-on sentences in this that I felt would've been better if they'd been separated, but nothing too major as far as technical issues are concerned. This story is like a reverse of Beauty and the Beast, actually, where there's a vain prince who later becomes humble. Here you have a guy with no self-esteem, who later becomes vain. I can't help but wonder if you did that deliberately or if it was just an interesting accident.

16/20

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Crazed Scribe - The King of Nought

This was so amazingly clever I was almost blown away. Well done with the way you combined so many different fairy tales into this one! I found a typo though, so unfortunately, you lose a point. Really good story though.

18/20

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Detention Veteran - Shrooms and Schnapps

I happen to think the best retold fairy tales are both funny and true to the tale, and this one definitely fits that category. Great job -- I don't even have any nits to point out.

20/20

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alanmt - A Queen's Burden

Evil Snow White -- I love it! It's horrible and hilarious at the same time, especially the part with the birds. The only thing I didn't like -- and we can mostly blame the word count for this -- is that even though I know the story of Snow White, I wanted to hear the rest of it from the Queen's POV. I imagine Snow White date rapes the prince who rescues her or something.

17/20

---

seigfried007 - Pieces of Ass

This was just creepy. Good, yes, but disturbingly so. Interesting way you combined the fairy tale with mythology and such creatures. Also very creative the way you made Pinnochio a 'real boy'. Creepy though. I have a lingering suspicion that this one's going to stick with me, try as I might to forget it.

18/20

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joifulartist84 - The Pinelands

This turned really funny really quick. So Hansel and Gretal find a pot farm in the middle of the woods in Jersey. That's funny stuff. I loved the bit about the 'oven'.

17/20

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Like a Fox - Mermaids Can't Dance

Aww, this was really sad. I'm really impressed by that actually; it means you may've actually read the original 'The Little Mermaid' by Hans Christian Andersen, instead of just basing your story off the Disney version. Well done. No nits.

20/20

---

eggo - Hanson and Regretals

Another good retelling. I especially love the title, but there was one sentence I didn't care for at all:

The wife performed sexual acts upon the husband until he relented and told the children the next day.

Way too obvious. This could be done in a much subtler way and still have the same effect, possibly even a better one, because it would SHOW the wife's actions, rather than just telling them.

On the whole, the story is interesting, but I was bummed out about the lack of candy houses.

17/20

Congratulations to all the winners and a big thanks to the judges for the time and effort you have contributed!

Thanks Tiamat, Moderan and Leyline for the brilliant compliments, if i was flexible enough to do cart wheels I would.

Thanks Leyline for the informations on Strange Horizons, I'm definitely going to check that out!

Thanks, Sparky, for the criticism. I'll certainly make use of it when I go over the piece. I'm glad you enjoyed the ending.

CS

Damn double posts. *ahem*

Congrats to the winner and runners-up! It's well deserved. And heck, congrats to the other entrants too, for being brave enough to go for it. I enjoyed judging these (even if I was a picky little broad) - hoping to see likewise spectacular shows in the future.

Thanks, judges, for hte excellent critiques! very helpful.

Congrats, seig! and cyber and DV as well! That was fun!

Hunh. Hadn't expected that, but hey, I won't complain

Thanks judges, and congrats to seigfried and the runners-up!

Congratulations Seig, cyberspecter and Detention Veteran!

Kudos to Tiamat for running it, Sparky for the prompt, all the judges for their time and effort, and everyone who entered. Well done, everybody!

A super fun challenge, this.

You wanna know something absolutely crazy? I had two other 're-told fairy tales' written on a different computer that I'd planned to use for this and then ranted and raved around the house because I was going to have to write something else. And neither one of them was as nifty as the one I churned out in about an hour on the morning it was due (granted, I'd had the idea for a couple days and just couldn't figure out how to go about writing it so I stewed on it for what felt like ages).

Sorry but Moderan:

"Estates" are generally not rough territory.

Have you ever visited an estate? Do you even know what one is? Thanks for judging and everything but I think that you have mis-understood the setting due to lack of knowledge. Smelt is in fact a word and is used in Yorkshire quite a lot instead of smelled.

Also, Sparky. What gramatical errors? I notice one " missing from a set of speech but not enough to warrent such a low score.

Can't complain though really about the other two judges. Thanks to them for their time in reading and judging.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Estate_(law)
Estates of the realm - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

If your definition is different than those common ones, then you need to make that clear. Most of my grade was due to the severely deficient grammar and punctuation.

First, I'd like to thank the judges. It's quite a task to read all the entries and render a crit for each.

I sat on the sidelines of the debate over length, but was leaning towards the traditional 500 word limit. I usually do well with that restriction. I was surprised at how difficult it was to stay within the extended limit of this challenge. I found myself over the limit in the first draft before my guy even got to the scene of the crime.

I believe the judging of my piece to be acurate and even generous which was a pleasant surprise. I had to write and submit it too quickly as I was going to Yellowstone Nat. Park and our condo there has no internet access and even if it did, I had little time to write. That's what vacations are for I suppose.

Thanks again for the challenge and I look forward to the next one.