Thread: 03/22/09 - 'Put The Hammer Down' Scores

I'd like to extend a huge thank you to eggo, silverwriter and Tiamat10 for judging this round. Also, a huge thank you to The Backward OX for the prompt and to everyone who submitted. So many excellent entries. Well done, all!

And now, your LM scores.



Leyline - 19, 18, 18, 18 = 73 - Average - 18.25
The Backward OX - 16, 16, 17, 16 = 65 - Average - 16.25
SaVen - 15, 16, 12, 17 = 60 - Average - 15
C. Gholy - 14, 13, 16, 14 = 57 - Average - 14.25
War Ped TyPoe -16, 17, 15, 18 = 66 - Average - 16.5
SparkyLT - 16, 16, 19, 16 = 67 - Average - 16.75
Fallin Rain - 17, 16, 17, 17 = 67 - Average - 16.75
Adrianhayter - 19, 19, 19, 19 = 76 - Average - 19
MeeQ - 12, 14, 8, 13 = 47 - Average - 11.75
Candrah - 16, 19, 19, 19 = 73 - Average - 18.25
DWolfman - 17, 15, 14, 16 = 62 - Average - 15.5
Jinn Master - 13, 13, 16, 15 = 57 - Average - 14.25
crazed scribe - 14, 17, 19, 17 = 67 - Average - 16.75
Farror - 15, 15, 16, 16 = 62 - Average - 15.5











First place: Adrianhayter !

Second place: (two-way tie) Leyline and Candrah !

Third place: (three-way tie) SparkyLT, Fallin Rain, and Crazed Scribe !

Congratulations!


Note: Please let me know asap if there are any errors or omissions. Thank you.
~Hawke

eggo's Scores


Leyline- Sideline

They were surrounded by desert and dry air and the old lady who stared

Dry desert air and a lady

She can’t be “the lady” till you mention her once.

If you carry around a toolbox, he’d discovered, people think you have a job,.

Extra comma.

A few other snafus here and there, but I liked the theme.

18/20

Backward Ox- A Multiplicity Of Hammers

The squad knew my habits and reading preferences; last Christmas they’d given me a boxed set of Mickey Spillane’s best.

I’d ditch the semicolon and use “when’ instead for flow.

Seven minutes later I pulled up at the isolated address Len had provided.

As he walked across I said, “Ok, where’s our boy?”

Reads funny. At some point he would have to get out of the car. Across what?

He dropped the hammer, but it was a trick, and fooled us.

that fooled us.

(Note to self: rewrite this sentence)

Was this supposed to be in here? Prol not.

I came out with 510 words.

Fun read. Nice job working the prompt.

16/20

Saven- Ordinary Matters?

with a smile slapped on his face

implies something that arrived quickly and violently. Not sure if it works here.

whom looked somewhat concerned.

Who looked.

The whole carpentry thing at the beginning served only to provide him with a hammer. A long way to walk without having the idea or theme integrate into the story.

I liked the idea.

16/20

C Gholy- Meaningless Verdict

She's truly vile slut; I can almost saw her ass in the testimony.

A vile slut ..Someone must have seen the saw.

My heartbeats were sudden pounds.

Ready to spend?

The jugde demanded

I like trial stories, always fun. A good idea with just too many gaffs

13/20

War Ped Typoe- Puttin' The Hammer Down

"He can fight me, but he ain’t gonna push you around."

,but I ain’t gonna let him push you around.”

The crowd of onlookers began applauding.

Not sure if it was so dark they couldn’t see Putin until he was close, that people at the fire could tell what happened right away.

Well written

If hindsight is 20/20, why don't we walk backwards?

Because your glasses would fall off your ass

17/20

SparkyLT- John

The idea of the angel and devil on the shoulder is so cliché. Well written, but the theme of him cheating and being no better than her was repeated over and over.

So it got to be kind of dry. Nicely put together.

16/20

Fallin rain- The Simpkins Gallery Exhibit

Before each exhibit, usually showcasing a grossly untalented artist of her choosing,

,which usually showcased

she would covertly pick my brain for a quote

funny image

Nice twist, but I thought Misty was much younger. I would perhaps spend a few words on clarifying her age as well as his. I had the MC pegged as a girl, btw.

16/20

Adrianhayter- Coitus Interruptis at a Hundred and Five

Chevy’s fiberglass packs roaring

I saw this and thought, it must be a truck.

“You on the way to a funeral or are you carrying nitroglycerin in the trunk?”

Trucks don’t have trunks. If you refer to a vehicle as a chevy or ford, it’s a truck. If it’s a car you call it by it’s name, IE Malibu, Mustang, Chevelle…

doing a hundred and change when the piston let go

a piston won’t go really. You could break a piston ring or skirt, and that would throw smoke behind you. You’re much better off throwing a rod. (short for connecting rod) Calliong for a nasty rapping noise and an immediate stop.

Great read man.

19/20

Meeq- Red's Consistant Love Making
Reads more like prose poetry than prose.

Obvious formatting problems caps, punctuation….
By I like the rhythm of this piece and the thought behind it.

14/20

Candrah - King For Another Day

I adjust the sight to allow for the breeze that drifts the drizzle in swirls.

No one would adjust their sight in a scope in the field on a modern rifle. That was done long ago on the range. He could figure the wind in his head and compensate for it.

Awesome. Good job.

19/20

Dwolfman Dusk: Asgard

You paint a good picture here, but the tension is missing. We walk in at the last minute and see the end. Although well written, I can’t help but wonder if you had used the 150 on the front story what this would have been.

15/20

Jinn master- When the hammer Falls

Saw your edit question and fixed it. Just hit “go advanced “ in the text entry screen and “Size” is an option.

He works the only trucker's station for 80 miles around Jack's Hole, and when something goes wrong, though, you can't afford to go any farther than that.

Cut “though”

Good idea that wasn’t all that fleshed out.

13/20

Crazed scribe- The Ones Who Have The Hammers
Well written and good plot.

A bit on the soapbox side for me at the end.

17/20

Farror - untitled

A trip back to Norse land.

Much my same gripe as Dwolfman’s story. Yours did add a little more front story, but was missing that tension.

with eyes downcast said in a near whisper “Your power was indeed great, my mighty

with eyes downcast said in a near whisper, “Your power was indeed great, my mighty

Frustrated, he snapped “How can this be.

Frustrated, he snapped. “How can this be?

abandoned me” He turned away,

abandoned me”. He turned away,

Punctuation a little strained, but the dialog was good IMHO.

15/20

Tiamat10's Scores


Leyline - Sidejob

To me, this theme of 'put the hammer down' is a humorous one, and despite the fact that your story contains some pretty serious thing, I still think you captured the humor I see inherent in the theme. Excellent little piece.

19/20

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Ox - A Multiplicity of Hammers

Really funny the way you incorporated so many meanings to the phrase 'put the hammer down'. Problem was, the story itself didn't hold much interest for me. I was just waiting for the next clever way you threw a hammer of some type in there. Also, I'm taking off a point for your lack of editing with: (Note to self: Rewrite this sentence.)

16/20

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Sa\/en - Ordinary Matters

Interesting concept, but too much talking heads for my taste. This has a pretty killer ending (pun intended) but I would've liked to see the story drawn out a little more--mostly to cut down on all the uninterrupted dialog. Also, ...'his wife, whom look somewhat concerned' is wrong. It should be 'who'.

15/20

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C.Gholy - Meaningless Verdict

This was really riddled with typos. So much so in fact that I wanted to stop reading halfway through. I'm taking off a couple of points for the lack of care in the presentation. As to the story itself, I'm not sure I'm getting what effect you wanted it to have. I mean, I understand what happened, but are we supposed to care about the MC or the sister-in-law, or...? It's a massively difficult thing to bring your characters across in so few words; it really is. And I'm afraid this one falls short in that category.

14/20

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War Ped TyPoe - Puttin' the Hammmer Down

I think this would have had more of a punch if you'd used Putin's nickname (The Hammer) a little more frequently throughout. Also, it should have been capitalized when what's-her-name said, "I'll put The Hammer down you bastard." As it is now, it comes across as kind of random. Also, The Hammer was kind of a cliché. Not a bad story though.

16/20

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SparkyLT - John

A very well-written piece that does a pretty good job of showing the way our conscience fights with our intentions when we do something we know is wrong. I have only two complaints with this piece. One, it's very cut and dry: Cheating husband murders cheating wife (and her lover most likely). Not really an original idea. And two, there are no surprises. You know what's going to happen from the very first line. So, the writing here is spot-on, but the story itself needs a little work.

16/20

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fallin rain - The Simkins Gallery Exhibit

My, quite a procreative woman. Two sons, both artists. Both completely oblivious as to who their mother is. Kind of an interesting twist. And a well-written story too. The ending kind of sneaks up on you, and what I like about that is the fact that when I sit here and think about it, I can think of all these interesting scenarios as to how things could have gone and so forth. I like when stories fill my head with questions and images. Nice work.

17/20

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adrian - Coitus Interruptis at a Hundred and Five

Completely hilarious. So hilarious that I don't even know what to say about it except that it cracked me up.

19/20

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MeeQ - Red's Consistant Love Making

I have to admit, I couldn't fully appreciate the style in which this was written, the way you used passive voice to try to make it poetic. It just didn't work for me. Plus I couldn't figure out if the tense change in the second paragraph was deliberate or not. I even went back and tried to go through it again, but stopped after the second or third paragraph.

12/20

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Candrah - King for Another Day

Very descriptive and well-written. I love being in the forest so I was quite caught up in your setting for this. The only thing I didn't like was how I knew your hunter wasn't going to take the shot. The title, combined with your mentioning of 'king' in the first paragraph gave the whole thing away. That might be the point, but the result was that I didn't feel any tension throughout, so the end didn't give me any release either.

16/20

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DWolfman - Dusk: Asgard

Ha! A story about Thor and his might hammer for this contest! I'm quite taken with that idea, let me tell you! I was actually kind of let down by the fact that you used his name though. I would've liked you to leave the Thunder God's name unspoken and let your reader figure it out. Also, I didn't like the phrase 'dearest darling'. Anyways, I'm all for the stretching of the truth when it comes to fiction, but during Ragnarok, Thor dies shortly after slaying Jormundgand. Nine steps, in fact. It's kind of hard to stretch legends in a serious piece. The story loses its intended effect, I think. Or maybe I'm just a nerd.

17/20

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Jinn Master - When the Hammer Falls

OK, this isn't something I like to say to any writer, but I really didn't feel as though this was well written. Somewhere in here, there's a funny story to be told, but your voice and tone here don't really make it so. It just reads like a list of events. This happened and then this happened and then this happened. I tried, but I just couldn't get into it.

13/20

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crazed scribe - The Ones Who Have the Hammers

So... some sort of supreme being(s) decide who lives, dies, goes to heaven or hell by how hard they swing the hammer? That's... interesting. Certainly unique. Or am I just too stupid to understand this? Right or wrong, I really feel as though this story suffered from the word limit. It would probably have more of an impact if it were drawn out more and I actually had the chance to care about Meryl, Ethan, and John.

14/20

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Farror - untitled

Another Thor story, eh? Well, since you're practicing dialog, I'll focus on that. It felt a little too much like a fantasy novel where the HUGE ENORMOUS PROBLEM THAT CONDEMNS THE WORLD TO GRAVE PERIL is revealed in a single chapter full of nothing but talking heads. Your voices sounded real. I believed they were Thor and Sif (though as a matter of personal taste, I have a completely different image of Thor's personality in my own head). I just think there needs to be more description and beats to offset all the talking to really make the scene.

15/20

silverwriter's Scores


Leyline - 18/20

There are minor errors in punctuation, but I still quite like this. It's dirty, gritty and is easily imagined. The odd pairing makes it all the better.

The Backward Ox - 17/20

Your writing style reminds me of a more 'classic' way of writing, if that's any way to put it. I just kept thinking, "So many hammers, so little time." Nicely done.

Sa\/en - 12/20

There are errors in punctuation and grammar. It's odd and quirky, but also kind of... I feel like shrugging after reading it. It doesn't make me feel anything.

C. Gholy - 16/20

plump = plump? This is a nice scene. I quite like it and would like to read it again - expanded and polished outside the confines of LM.

War Ped TyPoe - 15/20

Minor errors. "Putin Down" is sort of amusing in a 'trying to be clever' kind of way. I'm on the fence on whether or not it's actually amusing. I do like the ending, though. Everyone being happy at witnessing a murder is wicked in a darkly funny way.

SparkyLT - 19/20

I very much like this piece. The angel/devil angle is nice, but I like it even more for its take on human psychology. After all, we accuse each other and hate each other for the things we are most guilty of...

fallin rain - 17/20

That is a very long first sentence... Well, that was an ending I didn't expect. This could be expanded out to an even better short story, I think. Nicely done.

adrianhayter - 19/20

Despite the impossibility of a woman over 200 pounds fitting into anything close to a size four... This is a slightly strange story, but I like it. The voice is strong and constant, and you tell a good story. Well done.

MeeQ - 8/20

There are quite a few errors in this one... Do you usually write poetry? You're style of writing reminds me of poets I know who aren't as familiar with writing prose. I'd like to see all the errors cleaned up in this one as a first step.

Candrah - 19/20

I always passed on the family hunting trips, but I can truly imagine myself in this story, out in the drizzle... I'm usually a dialogue kind of woman, but I very much like this piece. Well done.

DWolfman - 14/20

While I do like descriptive prose (if not overdone), your sentences are long and drawn out, which makes me tired. For example, your entire second paragraph is one sentence. Try mixing up sentence structure a bit. Also, as much as I like using "she purred" and such like that myself, 'said' is truly the best way to go most of the time. Using everything but said is a 'giveaway' of a new-ish writer.
The scene you have created here is quite nice, but I would like to see you step back from the flowery language a tad.

Jinn Master - 16/20

One of my biggest pet peeves in prose is the use of numbers instead of the words. 80 instead of eighty. For larger numbers, I can understand, but for smaller ones, it just irks me.

Otherwise, I like this scene, though it doesn't make me feel much of anything. As part of a bigger piece, it could definitely work.

Crazed Scribe - 19/20

This is a very interesting piece and one that kept me reading through distractions. I think, a little beyond the word count confines of the challenge, this could be polished into an even better piece. Very well done.

Farror - 16/20
You have created quite the powerful - and yet softly touching - scene between two gods of old. I quite like it. There are number of punctuation mistakes, but as for the actual scene, you've done very well.

Hawke's Scores


Sidejob by Leyline - 18
Nits: … people think you have a job,. ; It was a 82 Jaguar = an; They were surrounded by desert and dry air and the old lady who stared from the bus station counter, beady eyes broadcasting that she had a gun in her hand and really wanted to use it = need to rework this sentence… unless the old lady is surrounding them too; “Nah.” He replied. = “Nah,“ he replied. Watch your dialogue tags.

“… race on through to the other side” almost sounds like The Doors lyrics (Break on through, etc.). I liked it. Really liked this read, too. Good job.


The Multiplicity of Hammers by The Backward OX - 16
Nits: His hero Mike Hammer was my hero too. = His hero, Mike Hammer, was my hero, too.; As he walked across I said, “Ok, where’s our boy?” = across… what?
PsychoBilly? Smurf? (Note to self: rewrite this sentence) ?

I should deduct points for making me google and youtube Convoy and use up all kinds of time. Of course I won’t. And of course the darn song is stuck in my head. (By the by, don’t look up Paul Brandt’s video. It isn‘t as good as the original.)

This was pretty good. I lost track of who and if they were separate characters, but a reread straightened that out. No conclusions. Good work, just not the best I’ve read of yours.


Ordinary Matters by SaVen - 17
Nits: Quite a few unnecessary commas. Also, to make an emdash, hold down Alt and hit 0151 on the left side number pad and release Alt (favorite hammer — the one), or space, two dashes, space (favorite hammer -- the one); space after ellipses.

Another one where a song (Maxwell’s Silver Hammer) comes to mind. I like that. Neat story, too. He must get terrible headaches. Good job.


Meaningless Verdict by C. Gholly - 14
Nits: The prosecutor had a smug on her face = look?; She's (a) truly vile slut; I can almost saw her ass in the testimony. = tense switches throughout; watch your sentence structure and spelling (“We lifted our feet up for the jugde. The plumb (plump) man marched quickly to his desk with the mallet glued to his hand.” Lifted our feet up? You mean rose to our feet, or better, stood.)

I got the gist of this of course, but the tense switches and odd sentence structure quibbles prevented me from getting into it and enjoying it.


Puttin’ The Hammer Down by War Ped TyPoe - 18
Nits: "I hate that sonofabitch," tears filled my eyes. = tears can’t talk - "I hate that sonofabitch.“ Tears filled my eyes.; "But he can’t do…" = because this was interrupted, you might consider using an emdash instead of ellipses; comma quibbles (eg: "I’ll put the hammer down(,) you bastard." I mean it(,) Bobby.)
Super work. No doubt countless readers can relate to being bullied. Not that I’m advocating running bullies over or anything…
Nice work. Good job.


John by SparkyLT - 16
Aww, I was hoping the angel would win out or there‘d be a twist or… more (as is, it‘s been done to bits). Clean write though. Good job.


The Simpkins Gallery Exhibit by Fallin Rain - 17
Nits: Perhaps removing a few unnecessary words (eg: a lot of “that” in the first paragraph) and using a few more contractions (she had = she’d) would leave more wiggle room on the word count and make the read flow a little better. Just saying. “… because you’re good." she said. = good,” she said.

Ooo, nice twist on the ending. I like that. Guess my only real quibble is that the rest of the story doesn’t have the buildup to support it, you know? Maybe some word or some kind of foreshadowing to make the reader guess or twig earlier on would give the ending more impact and the story more memorable. Just thinking out loud. Good work.


Coitus Interruptis at a Hundred and Five by Adrianhayter - 19
Nits: “Put the hammer down, baby”, she moaned. = “Put the hammer down, baby,” she moaned.; snake-skin = snakeskin; take home and chain in the closet = take-home-and-chain-in-the-closet (or that’s how I’d write it, at least); halter top = halter-top; By the time I’d shifted into third, cruising easy through a kindergarten zone; (,) the first words came out of her mouth.

That was a super read. Fun and entertaining, too. Good job.


Red's Consistant Love Making by MeeQ - 13
Nits: togethor = together

Disturbing was the first word that came to mind. That, and gruesome. And you’ve broken the norm (by writing it as the madman himself?) and it still read well. Not sure why he did it though. Not sure if he even knows why he did it —I suppose madmen don’t need a reason beyond mad. But without it, what this reader gets from it is a look at a disturbing, gruesome and graphic scene that sort of reminded me of the horrifically slow stabbing scene in movie Saving Private Ryan… and even that was less gruesome. But the SPR scene was more memorable and made the reader feel because they were given enough background to like the victim and, because of buildup of tension in previous scenes, fear the killer — you know? I also understood the SPR backdrop —the horrors or war / kill or be killed mentality. Here, I don’t know why, other than the killer is nuts, which unfortunately just wasn’t enough.


King for Another Day by Candrah - 19
Lovely! And yes, I was hoping the MC wouldn’t kill him. A couple of small nits here and there, but nothing not easily fixed (ie: the first two sentences could be blended together or the second sentence could include the word “appeared”). Good write. Super descriptions. You put me there.


Dusk: Asgard by DWolfman - 16
Nits: earsome war,” she smiled = can’t smile words, though you can smile while saying them.

You know, what first came to mind when I read the prompt was Thor’s hammer. You wrote it well. Glad you took it from after the battle, and not during. Good job.


When the Hammer Falls by Jinn Master - 15
Why didn’t Lyle just stay in his truck? Okay, so there’d be no story if he did, but… And who’s Murphy? Smooth read. Not much happened to make it memorable though.


The Ones Who Have The Hammers by Crazed Scribe - 17
Nits: regardless = perhaps… oblivious?

Not sure I buy into hammers fitting into religion and heaven or hell, and that anyone can go anywhere regardless of the life lived, depending on who puts the hammer down harder. Makes it all a game of chance. Makes trying to be a good person sort of meaningless except in the now, doesn’t it. Pretty bleak.


Untitled by Farror - 16
Nits:
“They don’t believe in me anymore. “Thor said slowly, his face devoid of any emotion.
“They don’t believe in me anymore,” Thor said slowly, his face devoid of any emotion.

Gotta work on punctuation between dialogue and tags.

“What can you do my beloved?” Sif asked sadly.
“What can you do, my beloved?” Sif asked sadly.

“No Thor, that is not so.” Sif insisted.
“No, Thor, that is not so,” Sif insisted.

“… who have abandoned me” He turned away,
“… who have abandoned me.” He turned away,

Sad about the old Gods. Interesting (and true) concept how humanity has power over them by belief, or lack of. Makes one wonder if in the future Christianity will go the way of the old Gods (though Pagans keep the old ones somewhat alive) and that future’s Christians might be considered Pagans. Hmm.

The idea of the angel and devil on the shoulder is so cliché.

The angel/devil angle is nice . . .

Proof that you can't please everyone

Yay for finally making into the top three, but darn because I meant to leave it a bit open-ended. Alas. Until today I forgot I'd even entered.

Congrats to our single winner, our two people tied for second place, and our three tied for third. (Really, that is ironic.)

(Really, that is ironic.)

Ain't it tho? First time for everything.

This was a fun prompt.
Well done to everyone for taking part and once again a thanks to Hawkes and the other judges.

My thanks to the judges for their hard work. I wasn't aware of the standards for punctuation in dialogue, and I appreciate your taking the time to explain.

Cheers.

Hearty congratulations to the winners and contributors and judges. Adrian heard a long while ago what I thought of his entry.

And that’ll teach me not to attempt cramming so much rubbish into 500 words in future.

Tiamat, Hawke and eggo:

(Note to self: rewrite this sentence) It was meant to stay there, as part of the word count, and be a joke – “a man with one arm inside a piano.” A man with one arm, hello? A man inside a piano, hello? I won’t say “duuuh”, as Tiamat thinks it unbecoming for old men to talk like that. As far as she is concerned, clearly the joke backfired.

eggo: your word counter needs a ring job.

Silver: you and I need to talk.

Hawke: What pray tell is so wrong with characters named PsychoBilly and Smurf? Don't answer that.

I’d like to thank the judges - especially for letting me win. I’ve never won anything so is there something I need to know? Did my pregnancy test come back positive? You guys aren’t hiding anything from me, are you? Even if you are holding back and I’m expecting a bouncing baby something in nine months, I’ll make room on my mantel for the trophy.


Adrian

Hey, that is pretty nifty that we have so many winners this time around. Well done, all six of you.

To Ox, sorry I didn't get your joke man. Do forgive me for not being quite as literal as you. But thanks for explaining it anyways.

yeay! 3rd!

I'd just like to say thanks to the judges for their time and congrats to the winners!

Originally Posted by The Backward OX

eggo: your word counter needs a ring job.
.

510 0n MS word 2007

510 on Ms word processor

512 on OO writer.

...dunno. Could have been the Jpegs that skewed it, but I removed those.

Congrats everyone, great entries make this easy

Originally Posted by eggo

510 0n MS word 2007

510 on Ms word processor

512 on OO writer.

That had me really puzzled. Like Hawke, I care about stuff like that. So I went and checked. It was those two lines of five dots each. They each counted as five words.