Thread: 11/22/08 - "Seven Sins" Scores

I'd like to extend a huge thank you to Selorian, Eggo, Bryndavis and Sam Winchester for judging this round. (Wildcard was unavailable, likely due to the season.) Also, a huge thank you to Selorian for the terrific prompt and to everyone who submitted. Well done!

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for—your LM scores.









SparkyLT - 15, 14, 16.5, 14 = 59.5 - Average = 14.875
Katastrof - 18, 18, 16, 17 = 69 - Average = 17.25
Tarantula - 17, 17, 15, 14 = 63 - Average = 15.75
C.Gholy - 13, 14, 14, 12 = 53 - Average = 13.25
SevenWritez - 18, 18, 16, 17 = 69 - Average = 17.25
Raging Hopeful - 20, 17, 16.5, 19 = 72.5 - Average = 18.125
Nefieslab - 17, 16, 15, 16 = 64 - Average = 16
RoundEye - 16, 17, 15, 12 = 60 - Average = 15
seigried007 - 19, 19, 17.5, 18 = 73.5 - Average = 18.375
Hookflash - 17, 15, 16, 15 = 63 - Average = 15.75
Remedy - 18, 17, 17, 16 = 68 - Average = 17
RainBeau - 15, 16, 13, 12 = 56 - Average = 14
Mike - 19, 18, 14, 19 = 70 - Average = 17.5




First place: seigfried007 !

Second place: Raging Hopeful !

Third place: Mike !

Congratulations!


Note: Please let me know asap if there are any errors or omissions. Thank you.
~Hawke

bryndavis' Scores


Title: Nails
This piece didn't really resonate with me. There were a few issues of expression but it was mostly written well. I like your take on sin: neither of your two characters are without and that's interesting. I liked your subtle nods to other sins such as your MC caring about looks. However I couldn't buy into the story emotionally, maybe I wasn't supposed to, but I just couldn't find an in.
Score: 14/20

Title: Seduction Before Salvation
I really liked this! Great work. Technically it seemed flawless and thematically it was really engaging. I worried that sometimes it was bordering on being slightly pretentious (I didn't like "My body stops shivering - my soul continues", although I understand its use with your exploration of mortality) but it was grounded in otherwise good writing. I loved "hands wander aimlessly in her valleys", just because.
Score: 18/20

Title: Turnabout
This is credible and evocative. It's paced well and the juxtaposition between being in the motel and little asides to his life back home is effective, and the last line is really nice. I'm not sure that I liked the little piece about Todd, just for the reason that I liked some of the earlier ambiguity as to the issues in his relationship.
Score: 17/20

Title: Hated Kiss
You write well but your piece didn't work for me. I think it's because I couldn't really find any motivation or hints of background to the story. I couldn't relate to it and I wasn't engaged, but you are definitely technically capable.
Score: 14/20

Title: The Gluttonous Admonishment
This is really funny but also quite sad. That's an accomplishment. Your use of tone and voice is fresh and the irony of him getting battered with his own crown is really satisfying. Great work.
Score: 18/20

Title: Angry Coasters
This had me laughing but also wanting to give the poor woman a hug, so I was successfully drawn into the story. And there's plenty of sin to boot.
Score: 17/20

Title: Aphrodite's Face
It took me a few reads to decide whether I liked this and I'm now pretty sure I do. I think your use of tone could have been improved and a little more interesting, and I'm not convinced the story works in such a short format. But I was engaged and it made me think, even to lament poor Eric and his vision, and in my eyes that is a success.
16/20

Title: Misogynistic Pig
Despite a couple of clichés and the unnecessary inclusion of the word “wrath”, I loved this. “Now her hands were on the bars and she was driving the point home, hard and with swift sadomasochistic justice.” Fantastic line.
17/20

Title: Oculomotor Society
This is written really nicely. Your tone is interesting and I loved your take on the seven sins. It’s so relevant, unfortunately. Well done.
19/20

Title: Hail, King of the Jews!
I don’t usually like the tone of writing like this and its subject matter, but that is a purely personal response. You do it well. Technically I couldn’t find any faults. It is effective for a piece of this length and is an interesting read.
15/20

Title: Death in Life
Firstly I'd just like to offer my condolences. In terms of the work, there are pieces of this which I really, really like, but I think with a little more work on tightening it up it could have been truly fantastic. Some of your descriptions are so realised and perfect, but then there are those like “the maniac bubbling beneath” that jarred. This piece has many strong layers but is let down by a few turn of phrases that are too… simple, in their conviction. I think it may have been restricted by length.
17/20

Title: Addendum
This is very funny and truly original. Although you maintained you tone well mostly, I had a few issues such as “bad enough”, which doesn’t quite work for me, despite getting what you’re going for. Nice work.
16/20

Title: Echo
Beautifully poetic. I love its form. The “romantic bullshit” got me and I think that ensured that the piece wasn’t too… soft? Great work.
18/20

Selorian's Scores


SparkyLT - Nails

Good job showing the torment and anger the MC is feeling. Overall though, there were a few things that threw me off that lessened the piece for me. One example: 'It was my birthday. He had been invited by my parents,' He was invited to the library by her parents for her birthday?

15/20

Katastrof - Seduction before Salvation

Nice job. There were some really good lines in this piece. I also like how other sins are used to build up to the main sin (something most of the entries have done). A very enjoyable read.

18/20

Tarantula - Turnabout

I enjoyed the way you gradually move the MC from guilt to a need for revenge. The realization of his wife's affair and the name of the man could use a little work, but it worked well despite that. The last line didn't work for me, it seems too cliche, and could have been dropped.

17/20

C.Gholy - Hated Kiss

This was a good idea that just needed to be handled better. Missing punctuation, missing words, run on sentences, and general structural problems made it difficult to actually concentrate on the story. Nice effort, though.

13/20

SevenWritez - The Gluttonous Admonishment

I simply love the use of dialogue in this. At a few points it was almost too much, but stayed just within reason. I also really liked the last line. Well done.

18/20

Raging Hopeful - Angry Coasters

Excellent! The only thing I would like to have seen added was something about him walking down the hallway or the door opening from the garage, but that is simply a personal preference. The last line was perfect.

20/20

Nefieslab - Aphrodite's Face

An enjoyable read. You did a good job showing the MC's pride and making his fanaticism realistic. In the final paragraph, there were two spelling errors. This being such a short piece, they stood out but they didn't really take away from the overall effect.

17/20

RoundEye - Misogynistic Pig

A very graphic piece that really works well. The MC's inner thoughts in the first paragraph needed to be marked with italics and there was a repetition of a couple of words in the last paragraph. Still, a nice job.

16/20

seigried007 - Oculomotor Society

It shows my geeky side, but I could see this as a scene from an episode of Star Trek. A good idea very well executed and presented. Thanks for an enjoyable read.

19/20

Hookflash - Hail, King of the Jews!

I really liked the idea behind this piece. The end seemed a little weaker than the rest, though. All in all, a good entry.

17/20

Remedy - Death in Life

The end of this caught me totally by surprise. I fully expected the father to shoot himself. I don't feel it was necessary to not reveal the man was her father earlier, though. While the last paragraph works, I do believe it could be reworked to make it better.

18/20

RainBeau - Sloth

I appreciate the inventiveness of this entry, but the first section took away from the rest for me. The end was funny though, and I chuckled over it. I know the first part is needed to set up the end, so I don't know how you could have did it any differently than you did.

15/20

Mike - Echo

I really know very little about poetry or poetic prose, but I do know what I like when I read it. This I liked. It had a good flow to it and left me thinking about it after reading it. Good job.

19/20

Sam Winchester's Scores


Sparky LT: 16.5/20

Little revenge story here, eh? Good writing from you, as I would expect, Sparky. Not sure if you could have omitted some of the earlier stuff (which wasn't entirely necessary, in my humble opinion) and gave me more to the ending. I usually don't like ambiguous endings. One thing:

My nails bit into his eyes.

Nails don't bite. Maybe: My nails clawed at his eyes. Or something like that.


Katastrof: 16/20

Well, that was ... hell, I don't know what it was! I assume it's about lust and then falling into hell because of it, or at least that's the way I read into it. Writing's good, but I would expect no less from you, Katastrof. What was it missing, though? I didn't give you more points because I felt something was missing. It was good though.


Tarantula: 15/20

Yours was the only one I read twice. Don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. Nice little metaphor at the end, but I felt you wasted words on things that really would have left no holes in the story if omitted. The key to these challenges is brevity. Getting a story across in as little words as possible is oftentimes hard. Good work though. Just missing that oomph!


C. Gholy: 14/20

Too many little mistakes hindered the story for me. There's one in the first sentence: "... was to be alone with a room with Roberta." The first "with" should be "in". Also, your dialogue is a little stiff. Not many people say: "I do not." They'd say "I don't." Also, the only time you use a comma at the end of dialogue is when the words following it are a dialogue tag. Not for something like: "I know," Roberta smiled. You can't smile a sentence. It needs to be full-stop. Aside from the errors, it's good.


SevenWritez: 16/20

I wondered about the ending for ages. Did she poison his grapes, did she stab him, or did he die of something else? Again, as I said to C.Gholy, commas only proceed dialogue when the next sentence is a dialogue tag. You had one instance of this. Otherwise, good.


Raging Hopeful: 16.5/20

Ha. How ironic that your username is "Raging Hopeful". Your story, oddly, reminded me of that Michael Douglas film where he just snaps because of traffic, and goes on a killing spree around Los Angeles. Falling something, wasn't it? I thought this was a nice pice, Linz. It moved fast and held my attention.

Nefieslab: 15/20

Nice little take on greed. Not sure about the Aphrodite part, but. It was a little predictable, though. I knew something was going to happen. Either Manson was going to get killed by his own building, or it was going to kill someone else. One nit:

Suit wearing. It should be: "Suit-wearing."


Round-eye: 15/20

I felt you could have conveyed her anger more. You told us about her slicing him up like a turkey, but it might have been better if he'd still been alive and begging for his life. It would have given your character more depth, instead of being a cardboard pyschopath.


Seigfried007: 17.5/20

I loved the ending. The gluttonous b**tards! Serves 'em right. There were a few commas missing here and there, but nothing major. I liked the camaradarie between the Father and the boys, especially when he started telling the story. Overall, quite good.


Hookflash: 16/20

I liked the saying. It was weaved nicely into the narrative. Not many people know the full one, and always misconstrue it as: Pride cometh before a fall. I don't usually like Roman-type stories, but this one held my attention. Good stuff.


Remedy: 17/20

The two "nows" on the last line were the only nits I could find. Other than that, I liked this. The ending got me thinking, too. Nice work.


RainBeau: 13/20

I'm sorry, I really didn't get this. Which of the deadly sins is this? I couldn't figure it out at all. Sorry.

Mike: 14/20

Sorry, this isn't the Poetry LM challenge. I don't mean any ill by that, but this piece reads more like a poem that anything else. I liked what you tried to do with it, but I still don't think it works for the LM. Sorry.

Congratulations, Seigfried, Raging, and Mike! Thanks to everyone for their brilliant entries. It really was a tough one to call.

Edit: Sorry, Hawke. You can delete this if necessary.

…And for whatever reason incomprehensible to even the best even the best of psychiatrist…

When I noticed that error yesterday, I damn near went through the roof. I'm sure that may have killed my score, I’m certain I would’ve ranked higher. It could have changed to whole story had I noticed it before I posted it. I started at about 700 words and worked my way down to 500. I’m sure there are some more errors, but there is always next time to try again.

Thanks to all the judges for their time and effort.


EDIT: Post made before judges comments were posted, sorry.

eggo's Scores


SparkyLT - NAILS ( 498 )

Good use of prompt. A third of an inch is about this long __ , so I think you meant three inches and that would make a lot more sense. Writing was very deliberate though.

Christopher looked around.

It was my birthday.

Try blending these shorter sentences into longer thoughts for flow.

14/20

Katastrof- Seduction before Salvation (500 words)

I liked this. Sort of a twisted pride comes before the fall thing.

I’ve climbed the jagged rocks and I’ve breathed the fine air.

Drop the second “I’ve”.

Our lips travel closer together

Travel was interesting choice here.

The beginning had me and then it seemed to drift.
17/20

Tarantula- Turnabout

Some formatting issues.

Very difficult to do a sex scene and not have it be cliché. The problems, the drinking and this schmuck has no idea why he’s on the couch. I think he does, he just don’t give a shit.

Too much of the well-traveled road .

14/20

C.Gholy- Hated Kiss

was to be alone with a room

in a room

“Stop it,” Hannah requested biting her lip, “I'm not interested in you, I just want to get on with my work.”

Some editing issues that if you would read through, I’m sure you would catch.

12/20

Sevenwritez-The Gluttonous Admonishment

You were emulating old speech patterns with the use of ‘Thee’ s and such, but where I think it’s fine for dialog, I personally don’t like being used for the narration.

and she felt then the thick protrusion of a dirtied digit push into a space she’d rather it not

This sentence is pretty powerful, but word selection kind of killed it though. “Thick Protrusion” makes this sound clinical, like a procedure as oppose to a rape.

Good story

17/20

Raging Hopeful- Angry Coaster

Awesome

I thought this was very well done. I thought the transition from him being in the garage to the bedroom door was a bit quick, prob a victim of word count.

in one swift jerk she stabbed him in the gut

not in love with the “Gut”. If she stabbed him in the chest looking for his heart, it might be more apropos.

Great ending

19/20

Nefieslab-Aphrodite’s Face

Eric Manson was the man with vision and the overwhelming drive to have the project completed to such a standard that it became the largest work of art to ever be created.

Reads a little like a TV report to open…

Incompetant=Incompetent

The ending was telegraphed a mile away. Although some nicely written prose, I can’t help but think a little more poetry or a poetic slant (ie more use of descriptive prose) would help this.

16/20

Round eye- Misogynistic Pig

Your avatar is distracting, I was two steps away from epileptic seizure. With my browser it seemed to just flash over and over.

She was savoring every minute of a long day coming.

Reads funny. like she’s planning on spending the entire day stabbing someone.

Sorry, not much of a story(tough to do in 500 words). She stabs him because he’s a jerk, the end.
This happened as a result of something and we want to know that something. In that the story lies.

12/20

Seigfried- Oculomotor Society

Well written, as always.

The end was a little too much tell for me, although. I think that maybe you had a great idea and couldn’t quite figure out how to end it.

It sort of ends on a soapbox without telling us how they got there, what saved humanity?

Perhaps rediscovering sports, or a law requiring everyone to work in the fields.

18/20

Hook Flash- Hail, King of the Jews!

A little too overly moral for me. I’m hardly a religious person, but the theme seemed to repeat itself.
In a way, regardless of whether he was crazy or human or God, he got his point across and the faith has lasted a good long time. So your point seems to be an exercise in irrelevantcy.

Well written, just lacking that other dimension.

15/20

Remedy- Death in Life

Sorry for your loss.

the blood of her and him would joined on it forever.

A little clumsy, maybe….Their blood would be joined

You damned my daughter, and now I am damned now.”

Damned too.”
This seemed to plod a bit, much like his actions in the story. I wonder what this would be like with first person, unreliable narrator.

16/20

Rain Beau- Sloth

Well, good idea.

I don’t think you exploited it the right way. Unfortunately, the directions for this thing reads like directions.

12/20

Mike – Echo
Very nice, man.

But you’re there in the spaces as a light under the door.

Couldn’t quite wrap my head around this. Possibly “of light”?
The guy’s pretty messed up. Quite the defeatist attitude. He has already decided the if they were to meet and fall in love, then it will all end up in a big pile of manure with guns,suicide and watery graves for all.

Actually, sounds like my first marriage.

19/20

Congratulations to all the winners and everyone for posting. Well done to all the other entries and thanks for the judges for their terrific effort. Good luck to all future entries next year.

Darn it. I'm like, third from the bottom. I suck at these things.

Anyway, congrats Seigfried, Raging Hopeful, and Mike!

I went into my writing folder to change the story some and noticed I posted the wrong damn story. I do work from two documents named the same thing except for a one and two at the end.

I consider that a very juvenile and newbie mistake.

MUST remember to post the right story next time. Excuse me while I find a wall socket to stick a paper clip in.

Hahaha, I love that pic. Someone make it their av, I pray of you.

Congratulations to the winners. And thank you judges, for taking the time to review each piece.

Ooh, most unusual. Two things I was afraid of: 1) 270 word count; 2) a poem. Thanks for reading, judges, and looking a little further. Congratulations to you others.

P.S. Sam, I'll hait u 4eva n eva. "lol j/k j/k"

Oh, quit being so modest, Seig!