Thread: 10/19/08 - "Scare Me" Scores

I'd like to extend a huge thank you to Tiamat10, JosephB and Seigfried007 for judging this round. (Unfortunately Selorian was unable to judge due to circumstances beyond his control.) Also, a huge thank you to everyone who submitted. Well done, all.

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for—your LM scores.












Jocelyn - 18, 16, 19, 17 = 70 - Average = 17.5
adrianhayter - 19, 16, 18, 19 = 72 - Average = 18
Ghost X - 16, 14, 15, 17 = 62 - Average = 15.5
C. Gholy - 14, 14, 13, 14 = 55 - Average = 13.75
No Brakes - 18, 17, 15, 18 = 68 - Average = 17
Garden of Kadesh - 16, 15, 16, 16 = 63 - Average = 15.75
Winkash - 16, 15, 19, 17 = 67 - Average = 16.75
Non Serviam - 19, 17, 20, 19 = 75 - Average = 18.75
SparkyLT - 14, 13, 17, 15 = 59 - Average = 14.75
Wildcard - 20, 12, 15, 17 = 64 - Average = 16
Foxee - 18, 17, 18, 18 = 71 - Average = 17.75
eggo - 18, 15, 15, 19 = 67 - Average = 16.75
ppsage - 16, 14, 17, 18 = 65 - Average = 16.25


First place: Non Serviam !

Second place: adrianhayter !

Third place: Foxee !

Congratulations!


Note: Please let me know asap if there are any errors or omissions. Thank you.
~Hawke

seigfried007's Scores


Jocelyn: oooo. I hope I’m not supposed to have a clue who wrote the note. And I’m so glad I can enjoy reading a story like this despite just bringing home an infant son two days ago. 19/20

Adrianhayter: Loved the use of Edward’s vocabulary and voice. I pictured the monsters as shadowy versions of the shrieking eels from Princess Bride 18/20

“the morning doves” = mourning doves

Ghost X: Story was interesting—I liked the idea of the painting; however, the style lacked artistry and the POV character was rather bland. 15/20

C.Gholy: Lot of descriptive words that don’t actually paint the picture but serve mostly to make the piece sound ‘dramatic’. And a lot of word repetition (havoc, blood, for instance). Found a few grammatical errors (mostly missing words). 13/20

No Brakes: The language, pacing and extensive use of adverbs gets the piece off to Slug In Cooling Caramel speed. Also, having been in the hospital numerous times recently, the ‘finally some quiet time’ bit made me groan.

Idea was mildly interesting but didn’t make medical sense. 15/20

Garden of Kadesh: Oddly, the slow, calm voice of the POV character made the piece better by the end of it—that acceptance of death, hopelessness. I’ve seen the idea before scads of times though. 16/20

winkash: I love the voice. Love it, love it, love it. Neat idea. Scary, but not scary. You ought to have sent this to Oddville. 19/20

Non-Serviam: I love the opening line. It’s a thing of beauty. But that ending… wow, it made one of my porn stars laugh out loud. He even wiped a tear away and flicked it off. Wow.

“Real Snuff with a 240lb homeless woman?”

He’s going to giggle about that for days. 20/20

Sparky LT: Interesting idea and I loved the format. Reminded me of Steve Buscemi’s character from ConAir. However, the Asylum would have certainly released Sunspot’s name and description to aid recovering him/her earlier. 17/20

Wildcard: Wow… that was both explicit and disgusting. 15/20

“leech-like tail disappear into his wife vagina” wife’s

Foxee: VERY neat idea. 18/20

“Not at all,” he replies in his distant voice, “psychosomatic suggestion. He was forced to relive his crime from the victim’s point of view and his brain believed he had died. So he did.” He shrugs. (period) “Basically, we let his imagination kill him.”

Plexiglas= Plexiglass

Eggo: I have to be over thinking this, but I can’t think of an angle whereby someone could plausibly shoot through all three spaces of the brain you listed. Heck, I can’t think of how a bullet hits the medulla first, the occipital last and yet manages to take out large portions of the parietal lobe. “Partial” doesn’t make any more sense (but hitting the occipital and medulla is hard too because the medulla’s directly under the occipital lobe)

“taking most of partial lobe”= the parietal

“the number seven lumbar spine on the way out.” =
There is no seventh lumbar and that bullet couldn’t have hit it anyway. If it had a good upward slant, it might have hit the seventh cervical vertebra, but more than likely, you meant it to hit the seventh thoracic vertebra.

“People were running in a mass conflagration”= how can they run out in a massive, destructive fire?

Odd story. Reminds me of “Perfect Blue”. 15/20

Ppsage: could be interesting, but I have to take a machete to the prose just to divine any sense from it. Marked grammatical errors make it difficult to read but I’m assuming you made them intentionally given the rest of the prose. 17/20

Tiamat10's Scores


Jocelyn – Shadowy Truth

I’m impressed—this story has graveyards and dead infants and secret notes, and yet you scared me in a way I didn’t expect. “He didn’t really fall. I’m so sorry.” Gosh, what a terrifying sentence. What horrible implications.

18/20



Adrian – Betrayal of Reindeers

The last line made me laugh, despite the implications, and I think that’s wonderful. To me horror is supposed to be scary, but with moments of humor to lighten the tension a little. This one certainly delivers.

19/20



Ghost – Use Your Imagination

I felt this story promised a little more than it delivered. It’s wrapped up in mystery, but not the kind of mystery that scared or intrigued me, but rather the kind that made me feel like I missed something. I think this one would be better served by a longer word count. I did like, however, really like the idea of the painting.

16/20



C. G. Holy – You Are the Witch’s Prince

In my opinion, this was a very overdramatic piece, and for that reason, I find it more silly than scary. You use a lot of comma splices (joining two sentences with a comma, rather than a semi-colon) and you repeated a couple of words too close to each other (‘havoc’ and ‘cheek/cheeky’).

14/20



Silent Scream – No Brakes

OK, this one was creeped me out. In hindsight, I feel like I should’ve seen the revenge coming, but I think that’s a sign of excellent foreshadowing on your part. My only nit was that you did one comma splice in there: “I was moved over to the narrow, hard OR table, more IVs were started and ECG leads attached to my chest.” Use a semi-colon or make it two separate sentences. Oh, and I loved the last line.


18/20



Garden of Kadesh – The Stasis of Man

At first, I was inclined to say that it wasn’t scary. But when I got to the part where he was sitting alone in the caves, the last known survivor, I thought about how that would be like, and ‘scary’ is a good word for it. My biggest nit is the end, though. Too preachy for my liking. I was expecting that final moment to be more exciting, but then you pulled back to talk about hope and transcendence. I was disappointed.

16/20



Winkash – Little Guardian Angel

Hmm… This story makes me think. Despite that, I’m not entirely sure I get it, but I am intrigued. What I didn’t like was the way you basically told me to let myself be drawn into the story with its opening. Because of that, I resisted being drawn in. A lot. However, the very last sentence intrigued me so much that I had to go back and read it again to see what I’d missed, and I have to admit, it’s a very interesting concept. I’m not sure I liked the delivery though, but the idea is a great one.

16/20



Non Serviam – No Matter What

I actually didn’t get this when I finished it. But then, two google searches and a trip to dictionary.com later, I figured it out, and I think that made this even more terrifying as the horror of what was about to happen to those people slowly sank in. Really awesome, that. I only had one nit, and it’s kind of a ‘maybe’ nit. I think you left out a word: “When they threw me out the women's refuge” – seems like there should be an ‘of’ there. Nothing to get one’s panties in a twist over, though.

19/20



SparkyLT – Sunspot

This more eludes to a story, rather than tells one. And while I think the story it hints at is probably quite scary, this just didn’t do it for me. But it was certainly creative. I think more writers should be willing to experiment in such ways.

14/20



Wildcard – It Came from the Toilet

Ew. Ew ew ew! While I was reading this I was actually squeezing my legs together and saying “Oh god oh god oh god oh god…” This gets the label ‘disturbing’ more than ‘scary’, but when it comes to horror, they’re pretty much all one and in the same anyways. You freaked me out. You win.

20/20



Foxee – Murder Room

This kind of reminded me of an X Files episode I saw once, only that in the X Files, it was people’s dreams that were tricking their bodies into dying. I really like the idea of killing someone with their own imagination -- kind of the whole ‘mind over matter’ thing biting us in the butt. There’s a terrifying notion if ever there was one.

18/20



Eggo – True Love

My favorite part of this story is the way you describe the bullets hitting each of the people. Like, the fat woman seemed to be a doctor, or at least someone that knew a whole lot about anatomy, while the old man had had triple bypass surgery, and the old woman had a bad hip. You actually tell us a bit of their stories as they’re being shot, and I think that’s brilliant. Truth to tell, I didn’t find this particularly ‘scary’ per se, but the end did leave me in a type of horrified silence. A really good job.

18/20



Ppsage – The Amber Flat Effect

I didn’t get this at all the first time through. I really wanted to though, because I was drawn in from the really cool voice you used. But after the third paragraph, I was lost and I stayed that way. After the second time, I think I’ve got it, and like some of the others, it’s frightening in the uncertain finality of it all, but not really ‘scary’ exactly. Still love the voice though.

16/20

JosephB's Scores


Shadowy Truth
Jocelyn

Good. Some of the description was a little much. And I think I felt more sad than scared. Still, the end gave me a chill. I liked that I was left with questions. What really happened? Did she do something stupid that caused his death? Or did she murder him? I’d like to think the former.

16/20


Silent Scream
No Brakes

Great idea! This is a true to life scenario, and that’s what makes it scary. I immediately felt the panic the MC was experiencing once I sensed what was going to happen. An easy read. Nice job.

17/20


The Stasis of Man
Garden of Kadesh

This was interesting, but not very scary. It could have benefited from some dialog, something to make the conflict come to life and seem more real. It lacked tension. The end was a bit of a letdown.

15/20


Murder Room
Foxee

Cool concept! I think present tense is a good choice to build suspense when you have so few to words to work with. When you make up a technology to this extent, you really can go wild with it. You don’t get tripped up on plausibility. Good pacing and nice sense of urgency.

17/20


True Love
Eggo

Well written, but you lost me egg man. I read this over several times and it didn’t come together for me. I like the idea of what was happening at the grocery store, but could not see how it tied in with the kitten. So, needless to say, I wasn’t very scared.

15/20


Betrayal of Reindeers
Adrian

This read well. I enjoyed the imagery and how you made me think about the things that scared me when I was a child. The thought of those eel-like things was scary – and plenty creepy. And there was some humor there too, which is always a good way to balance out scary stuff.

16/20


Use Your Imagination
Ghost X

This is an interesting idea, but overall, it was too telling. Some of the description was a little off – for example: “The sun was looming over all the neighbourhood houses when it happened.” Some cliché – most notably – “to complete me.” That was pretty distracting.

14/20

You Are The Witch's Prince
C. Gholy

A little too melodramatic for me. Very heavy on the adverbs and adjectives. Some of the description just didn’t work for me, for example. “The raindrops transparent colour was painted bloody red by the fog.”

14/20

Little Guardian Angel
Winkash

I appreciate that you tired something different, but it didn’t work for me. It had a certain eerie and touching quality and I liked the guide-like style of the narration.

15/20

No Matter What
Non Serviam

Felt like a complete story – hard to do in 500 words. I could see something coming along the lines of the final reveal, so it felt a little predicable. Good execution though. Well written and a fun little read.

17/20

Sunspot
Sparking LT

Aside from some plausibility problems – the teen massacring an entire town – I wasn’t crazy about the format, although I think it's good to experiment.

13/20

It Came Form the Toilet
Wildcard

For me, gross doesn’t equate with scary. If you’re going to be this over the top, the story really needs to justify it, and I don’t think it did.

12/20

The Amber Flat Effect
ppsage

Some very interesting imagery, but overall, very difficult to read. Too many fragments. And too many ideas to throw out in such a short story. How the progression of the disease is described was scary, and really made me squirm.

14/20

Hawke's Scores


Shadowy Truth by Jocelyn - 17
Ooo, chilling. I liked it. Wonder who wrote it, though it would certainly ruin it to know. Nice and creepy, this. Thank you.

Betrayal of Reindeers by adrianhayter - 19
No, don’t stretch your arms! And what’s with that reindeer? Aww, the poor little guy. Very relatable. As children, I think most of us were afraid to hang an arm over the edge of the bed in case something grabbed it. Some of us are still nervous of that. Fine, I admit it—I am. Some might call this done to bits. I won’t. It creeped me out. Thank you.

Use Your Imagination by Ghost X - 17
Nits: the image” she said. = the image,” she said.; They gave me nightmares each night when I woke with burning sweat. = off wording; time at the end could be a little clearer (for a second I thought he’d left the painting in the back of his truck for four weeks).
This sort of reminded me of Dorian Grey with a twist, or maybe a Poe-like story also with a twist. While not overly scary, it did make me rethink ever going to yard sales again. Thank you.

You Are The Witch's Prince by C.Gholy -14
Nits: I don’t know why, but the word “bloody” didn’t make me think of blood, but sick (nausea). I’d go with blood red. Also, there were some words missing from some of your sentences - one example “You are Witch's Prince, and you trapped with my love for eternity." Lastly. “Shaking with an extreme lack of confidence he succumbed to her blood stained clothes.” I really didn’t get this. Did she throw her clothes at him?
I’m really sorry, but I didn’t get all I’m sure you mean me (the reader) to get. I think writing it in a more relaxed voice and flow would have worked better for me. Thank you.

Silent Scream by No Brakes - 18
How did you know that being awake during my own surgery is one of my greatest fears? A fear of all of us, no doubt. So, could a demo mode really run unnoticed? Never mind. I seriously don’t want to know. And don’t you dare tell me, either. Thank you.

The Stasis of Man by Garden of Kadesh - 16
Nits: space after ellipses.
I certainly don’t have any quibbles about the work, only that post apocalypse has been done many, many times. Would have liked to have connected with the character more too, maybe through memories of what was or even losses. I hope this never happens, but at the rate we’re going the whistles might not be far off. Thank you.

Little Guardian Angel by winkash - 17
Nits: a long time ago; Immerse = Immersed; stalk = stalks
That was pretty neat. Not really scary though, but I still enjoyed it. I take it she let go of her body when it finally died. Love the idea of the marble to confuse the suffering monster, but I didn’t get how that marble helped her suffering, even if the artist had sculpted her before her death. Also, this was written from the dead girl’s POV, so how, I wonder, did she leave an explanation and email address to others? Hmm. Thank you.

No Matter What - Non Serviam - 19
Nits: When they threw me out (of) the
So I sat here like an idiot and thought, Snuff? Snuff? Like what they used to snort? Of course, then it hit me that it was snuff, as in snuff films. Duh. (Say it. I’m slow.) Whoa! Nice idea here. Rings too true. I wouldn’t bet that it couldn’t happen in real life. *shivers* Thank you.

Sunspots - SparkyLT - 15
Strange and a good idea, this, but not really scary. I’d like to see this as a flow of words and thoughts and dialogue rather than as headlines. I would have liked to have gotten to know the character and cared about him or her. Such potential! Thank you.

It Came From The Toilet by Wildcard - 17
It must be my mind - I figured out what would happen as soon as it started moving toward them. Well rats. And there I was hoping I was wrong. Good work though. No idea how you could’ve hidden it better though. Must be that I’ve read too many Saul’s and old King work (old S. King is excellent!). Thank you.

Murder Room by Foxee - 18
Nits: “Not at all.” He replies in his distant voice, “psychosomatic = “Not at all,” he replies in his distant voice. “Psychosomatic; He shrugs, “Basically = He shrugs. “Basically
Ooo, nice twist. I went along with the man’s thinking that he’d be okay, and that maybe the doc would end up in the fire. Good stuff. Thank you.

True Love by eggo - 19
Loved this. Loved it. Not too much scarier than the monsters who live among us. Thank you.

The Amber Flat Effect by ppsage - 18
I get sore toes from heels. Thankfully, I’ve never been outside of the country or I might worry. Is this an experimental piece? Lovely voice here. Tons in so few words. I enjoyed this. Thank you.

Congrats to the winners! Well done Non Serviam, adrianhayter, and Foxee!

Thanks to the judges for taking the time to read and comment. Your efforts are much appreciated.

Seigfried007:

the ‘finally some quiet time’ bit made me groan. ... didn’t make medical sense.

Sorry to make you groan! I was just thinking of our coronary care unit - subdued lighting at night, individually partitioned rooms, and so on.

I was just wondering what didn't make medical sense to you?

Whoa, I won that? Er, wow. Thanks to the judges, your money's in the post.

I suppose I should probably reassure Hawke that according to Snopes, there are no documented cases where anyone's actually made a snuff film.

Another great LM with lots of entries! Fantastic. Thank you, Hawke, Tiamat, Joseph, and Seig for reading and commenting. That's a big job when its a successful LM. Now I'm going to have to read a few more of the entries...after reading the comments I'm really curious about a few of these.

Thanks again and applause all around.

Note to Seigfried: 'Plexiglas' is the registered trade name for the more commonly used 'Plexiglass.' Not an error but thanks.

Dang. I meant to do something for that one, too. Going to have to go read. Good going, people.

Congrats to Non Serviam, adrianhayter, and Foxee...

Nice prompt for us.


Thanks judges,

As always, an excellent job done here.

a bullet entered the back of her medulla and exited through her occipital cavity

Seig,

It exited through here occipital cavity not her occipital lobe and I should have written temporal lobe.


Joe,

Sorry it didn't work for you man. Some stories are like that.

Many congratulations to Serv, Adrian, and Foxee! And great job to everyone who entered. This one was probably the most fun I've ever had judging because of all the cool entries.

JosephB got my name wrong. Hmph.

Congrats, everyone

Hey Hawke I think I want a shot at this whole judging thing. Sign me up for next round.

Originally Posted by Non Serviam

according to Snopes, there are no documented cases where anyone's actually made a snuff film.

Hehe.

Cool, Wildcard. Consider yourself signed, with my thanks.