Thread: smoldering

smoldering

brisk autumn breezes
cannot cool my fevered flush--
your name calls my heart

Annie, some thoughts on your piece.

I didn't really get the title. What exactly is smoldering? And the smiley kinda suggests it be a happy piece, hence more confusion towards "smoldering" as that initially have me think of something sad! Please enlighten me...

5-7-5 structure suggests haiku, and then title should not be necessary. Metaphors are usually not haiku material neither I think, and the piece being about something conceptual as 'love' or 'desire' I'd say it's rather far from a haiku in general.

Yet I do like it. It conveys a very certain image of an inner state I think we all can relate to. First you get the sickness association, then upon reading the final line it's lifted into another context. A fevered flush could also be thought as something sexual, maybe even more so, rather than the pure romantic version you give it. In that regard, I thought last line was a bit dull, once I had parsed the whole thing. Though it certainly is a sweet little love poem.

-Martin

"smoldering" is a kind of burning without an actual flame. The icon is intended to suggest the flushed cheeks that the narrator has at the thought of their lover.

5-7-5 is also senryu, which are typically about human nature rather than "nature nature". This is very much about the nature of being human and in love.

it's an attempt to capture a moment I experienced.

The smiley conveyed the intended notion. Smoldering I still don't get in this relation. And senryu it is then. The last line still bothers me a bit. Even if it is to be retained, it'd read better as "You're calling my heart" I think. I'd like to see this piece rewritten without the 5-7-5 structure though...

the brisk breeze
won't cool my fevered flush
you're calling my heart


Something like this I'd suggest...