"Slides" class assignment - Writers Forum

mamabella · 02-04-2008, 05:58 PM

In a creative writing class I'm taking, an assignment is to join and post to a writer's forum. Any input would be appreciated. This is my first post, so if I did anything incorrectly, please let me know.

Slides

What did I do? I’m back in my childhood, at the park. It’s not the park closest to home, but this one has the rocket slide. The slide has always been my favorite. The feeling of release as I spiral down the slick surface is exhilarating. I have no worries, no obligations, I drank them away tonight. This time I’m sliding head first. I feel the wind rush past me, through me. I’m flying faster than I’ve ever gone before. Children’s faces are flashing before me as I glide. The only sounds I hear are my laughter and sirens in the distance.

I know its ok, I’ve done this before. I am invincible. When I get to the end, I’ll land on my feet just like I always do. Everything always works out for me.
The laughter is gone and the sirens are getting louder. Maybe they are coming for me. I’ll have to call her to tell her that I fucked up, but she always fixes my mistakes. Sure, she’ll be mad for a while, but maybe this time she’ll understand how much I need her. She always said one of these days I wasn’t going to come home, but this time I’ll change.

The smile on my face freezes as I wake from my memories. The surface is no longer smooth. The polished metal of the slide has become asphalt. I’m being pushed along by a heavy weight. I can’t get my feet around in time. And what was that crunching sound?

The sirens sound strangely different. The flashing lights that arrive with them are red and white, but there’s no blue. Where are the blue lights? I want the blue lights now. The blue lights are trouble, but they’re not nearly as bad as the red and white lights.

I was sliding, but this time into oblivion.

NeilG65 · 02-06-2008, 04:17 AM

Hi Mamabella

Great start. Congrats on signing up for a Creative Writing course, I hope you enjoy it and may it give birth to long and illustrious wrting career!
Had some recent experience of being a (mature) student, although it wasn't creative writing, so I know how important it is to get a dialogue going on the forums - hope this helps.

Bear in mind I'm not a top notch editor, just someone learning to write - like you! So my comments come from my personal taste. Take em or leave em!

OK, onto Slides.
Liked the intro, it drew me in. I was immediately asking questions: Who is this? Why are they on a childrens park?
I would have liked to have read a little bit more about the 'relationship'. Was there a tight word limit for the exercise? Maybe condense a few bits - something like:

The end is flying towards me but I know I'll land on my feet. I always land on my feet.

Kind of imply, rather than tell.

I get the feeling that you want the paragraph starting 'The smile on my face...' to smack the reader in the face. A jolt from the playground to the ashphalt. It's not quite there yet - maybe something a bit more dramatic, and perhaps include how the character feels?

e.g Instead of The surface is no longer smooth how about My cheek tears on the rough asphalt?

Hope that helps. good luck with the assignment!

N

Otto Ray Sing · 02-06-2008, 03:12 PM

Welcome. I was once part of a writer's workshop. A writer's class is much more rewarding. In my case I was in association with several promiment members of the community, such as a doctor, two different business owners, and a city council woman. I was removed from school well before graduation, so most of my education is what I've learned on my own. I felt that the workshop would do me good and help me to improve. I was strongly disappointed. These people were asking me questions and advice. I like the classes and the onlike courses I've taken much better. This forum has also been very helpful. Your story has a strong movement from one action to another, but I think that in paragraph three, maybe you could enlarge on the suspense on what you can't get your feet around. Let us feel the pain as this person wiggles and squirms. Also let us hear the crunching sound. What kind of crunching sound is it? In paragraph four, you say that you want the blue light now. Place some emphasis on that statement, and exclaim it. Put some force into it. That can be as simple as an exclamation point, or the action of capitalizing the word now. You've got a good start; you just lost some momentum is all.

Industrial · 02-06-2008, 08:09 PM

Bienvenido a los Foros.

mamabella · 03-03-2008, 12:39 PM

Thank you for the crit. I'm sorry I didn't reply to this sooner (family emergency.) Very good advice though. I didn't realize how much trouble I have with more descriptive sentences. The hardest part of this class has been "turning off" the AP style, correct, get to the point writing I do at work.

ArlenOrobono · 03-03-2008, 03:32 PM

Welcome to the forums!
I hope you find your stay here useful

.

Ty_lol · 03-03-2008, 10:57 PM

Welcome to the forum.

Nickie · 03-04-2008, 12:00 AM

Hello there, and welcome to the forum!

Nickie

Sam Winchester · 03-04-2008, 04:18 PM

Hello there, and welcome. I don't really like creative writing classes, because I believe that you can't teach creativity, you either have it or you don't. But it's a writing class and I'm sure it will help.

Sam.

Shinn · 03-08-2008, 07:47 PM

Hello there mamabella and welcome to WF