Thread: a quick funny piece (from POV of paper)

So this is in from the POV of paper... any critique would be great (eg does it capture the paper's "personality" if that makes any sense, is the ending awkward at all, etc)

“This makes no sense,” the health insurance bill states. “They waste hundreds of gallons of water, grow a tree, cut down the tree, chop it up, send it across the ocean, mash it together, glue it, color it, and open a hole in the ozone layer the size of Texas to ship it, only to have us end up here! It’s a disgrace!”
The social security numbers clear their throat. “He’s got a point, you know...”
“I don’t want to die!” cries the old credit card. “I still have money to spend and grocery stores to go to, plus I never even got to see Target!”
“Calm down,” the bill says. “Just because there’s a shredder nearby doesn’t mean anybody is going to do anything to us.”
A resume snorts. “Like you have anything to worry about. You’re just a bunch of numbers! I, on the other hand, was crafted out of nothing by the imagination. Surely I don’t deserve this.”
“Please. You couldn’t even get the author the job she wanted!”
“Aah, don’t look now, but here comes the boss!”
The credit card peeks over the desk and exhales. “Naw, that’s just the secretary.”
“Wait--did you say the secretary?!” the bill’s numbers go wide and his ink starts to smear.
“Save us!” the papers wail.
The secretary takes the top few papers and picks them up. The grinding of the gears could be heard across the room.

It was interesting to say the least, and I chuckled at the end if that tells you what you wanted to know.

Hi again NatureLover--
okay, I have to say while this short is almost funny, I don't think it quite works...
so maybe almost funny can be funny with editing?? or maybe there's an issue with the idea...
look forward to your next post anyway!
cheers,
Roughin

I like the idea. I think the opening line makes it feel too much like you're a political activist trying to get the word out about your issue. Which is great if you are; I'm green too, but subtlety will work better. No one likes reading obvious propaganda.

The only other issue I have is that a nagging part of me wants this to be more realistic. I mean, I don't mind that the papers can talk, that's all fine and dandy. But how do they know so much? How can they also move to peek over something, but can't run away or hide? How are they able to see or talk, and yet still be treated as normal papers in the real world? These may seem like silly questions, but they are key to whether I buy into the world you have created or not.

It wanders too much for a throw-away gag joke, and it's not developed enough for a more full piece, I would say.

I think it is a good idea, but it didn't work as well as it could have. Maybe if you extended the length, the personality of each paper would come through a bit more.

Idea? Great, funny, creative!
Written? Needs some work... But you got the dialogue, just need to work on the stuff in between!

I like brevity, but this needs more. Perhaps an intro scene describing the papers sitting on the desk, and the menacing shredder lurking nearby? Good concept, though.

if you love nature so much why don't you civil-union it?

I will say this: definitely unique. For me, the imagination deserves applause. It means other pieces wil certainly have an interesting bent. I look foreword to them.

I think this piece could work well with a slightly different take. Instead of revealing up front that a bunch of different paper types are talking to each other, obscure that fact. Give them human sounding names, like Mr. Bill, Johnny Digits, and Master Card (for example); substitute a more generalized fear of death for the explicit shredder reference in the middle; have one of them spot the secretary; and finish with a third person perspective description of the secretary, oblivious to the voices of the health insurance bill, social security numbers and credit card lying on her desk, dropping them in the shredder.

Someone might have a future writing cartoons.

i read this and pictured pixar animated papers and credit cards on a desk. Like Toy Story with office supplies. For a short somewhat fragmented piece i think it shows imagination and look forward to reading more developed stories from you!

I think that you've got a good concept for a short story. If possible, it might help to add some sort of narration or description throughout, drawing the story out to add suspense.

It doesnt feel finished to me but it's a promising basis for a more polished piece, some good suggestions for improvement have been made already. Your dialogue makes me think you could be skilled at writing plays for kids. That is intended as a compliment, they are not as straightforward to write well as you might think. You make your point briefly & effectively without long speeches (a must when kids have to learn lines) & it flows well between voices which would keep the pace moving nicely on stage.

As an idea this story has great potential for comedy. I imagine it to be like a low budget version of Toy Story. If this was a movie it would be on Pay Per View (Paper View). Sorry, I couldn't help myself