Remedy

It's 4 in the morning here, and I haven't sleep in over 24 hours. I could take a sleeping pill, but then I'll just be super groggy for work tomorrow. Today. Whichever. I could give a hundred and a half reasons why I'm not able to sleep, but the truth of the matter is, I miss my partner. At the moment, he's in Australia, and I'm in Ohio.

I made the mistake yesterday of browsing through a forum dedicated to various... differences (long distance, online, age gaps, military, etc) in relationships, and I looked a lot at the LDR one. Being long distance isn't really new to us; we were long distance from the very first, and we are again now, although obviously it won't stay like that forever (just until college is done, however long that takes). I looked in a thread about how far apart the people are, and some of the answers made me jealous. I'm over 9,000 miles away from him (I shouldn't have looked it up, I know I shouldn't have, but I did). Some are only a few hundred miles away and capable of driving. Not that they have it any easier these days, seeing how the cost of gas is and all, but just the possibility of that makes me sad. We have to take a plane to see each other, and both of us are terrified of the damn things (although, to be fair, he's worse with it than I am).

I miss him a lot. I think the biggest reason why I am right now in particular is because he was supposed to be here now. We had it all planned out; I would show him the 4th of July fair in town, the fireworks, everything... Then around Christmas time, we found out it wasn't possible, due to circumstances outside of our control. Of course, it hurt then, but I thought I was over it. Then I went to the fireworks tonight, alone. And it hurts all over again. His birthday was three days ago too; we had planned to spend that together as well.

I did a search on plane tickets and hotel costs there, just to convince myself that it was completely out of my reach. At least $5,000, I assumed. You can't afford that, not on a college kid's budget.

And I was wrong. For the cheapest ones (at a nice hotel too, which I don't understand), with roundtrip tickets, it's just under $3,000. Close enough to make me dream, but too much to be realistic. Even if I factor out the hotel, which puts it at about $2,400 (his mother has offered to let me stay in her guest room multiple times, although I'm not sure how well that would work; she doesn't like me much), the airfare alone is still too much for me, at least without some serious saving. If I put in a lot of work this month and next, I could afford it, but half automatically goes into my savings, which I won't touch except for college and/or emergencies. As much as I'd like to qualify this as an emergency, it's really not. Besides, to change it all to the checking, just for two months, would require going through the accountant at the business where I work, who, funnily enough, is my mother (it's a family business). I bet she'd approve of that...

Now, though, I'm making plans. 'You know, I never got a graduation gift, and they promised a trip... Even if they could just help a bit, it would be nice...' 'How much overtime can I do?' 'What if I took on an extra job?' 'How long would it take to save if I did x?'

This is the problem with being a dreamer. I always get my hopes up, even when I know it won't work. I've done this so many times that I'm not oblivious to what's coming; in the end, this will just make me miss him more.

Thanks for putting up with my little self-reflection/rant thing here. I just need a bit of a sounding board, and I don't really want to tell my partner; he'll offer to pay (like he always does), and I'm afraid that at this point, I might take him up on it to some extent.

Intel

Sorry you're feeling lonely. I know what its like to miss a hug or the scent of a person. Why don't you try writing about it. Your feelings I mean. I always write best when i'm pent up with emotion. It amazes me what sometimes comes out.

You could also try meeting new people instead sitting by the window dreaming about your partner. I don't mean go out and find someone else. I just mean go and make new friends. It will take your mind off your situation and can be very fun.

Hope that helps.

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JoannaMac

Hey Remedy. I know exactly how you feel. Vlad and I did the long distance thing for a year. I also know what it's like to want to go to Australia I didn't go home for 6 years once because I didn't have the money. I miss home like mad and am always trying to scheme and justify spending the money on an airplane ticket. being free lance means you never now when the next job is coming, so a ticket home is too much of an extravagance.

How much longer do you have to wait until he comes back?

I think you should take the sleeping pill and go to bed. You are going to be groggy without it anyway, so take the pill and get some sleep.

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Remedy

That's a good suggestion. I've noticed the same thing about myself (ie, that I write the best when I'm feeling something strongly).

Ha, given how well I tend to make friends, that would be interesting. I might stop by a dancing place though (they're all about an hour away, but oh well) to see how that goes; I enjoy dancing, so it's a possibility. I try not to revolve my life around thinking about him, but I tend to lose that battle.

It does, and thank you.

Ouch, that sucks. 6 years ia very long time to not be able to see your home.

We see each other again next July (which is a long while off); that'll make it two years since we've had any physical contact (it's supposed to be at least once a year, but with this year's trip gone, it's not going to happen).

Because of some special circumstances involving his family, ultimately I'll be moving out there, and we'll stay there. God only knows how long that will take. The plan is after college is through, but it looks like I'll have to get a masters for sure and maybe even a PHD if the first plan falls through, so that may not work. We'll see in time.

That's true; I didn't think of that. Naturally, I'm at work now (and groggy, but that's my fault); I did get some sleep though. Talking about things tends to be helpful for me.

Thank you.

smilinghelps

Can he NOT come see you? Is this is just a lack of finances on both parts? How did you meet him in the first place? How badly does he want to see you? If he CAN'T come here because of some legitimate reason--and he's willing to be public, I would post an auction on Ebay.

Write your story and post an auction in an effort to raise the money. Be up front and honest about your intentions and list a map of your travel distance or something tangible (you have to auction something on Ebay) and see how much money you can raise. If you make it good enough, maybe you'll pick up a national sponsor to make up the difference.

Good luck!

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Remedy

To answer your questions - I suppose it's possible that he could come to see me, but it wouldn't be the best thing right now. His mother is very ill, and he's taking care of her (short of putting her in the hospital or something, no one else will take care of her). I met him through a support group; we're both on the autism spectrum (he's HFA, I'm AS). I would say we both want to see each other very badly.

I never thought of anything like that. Goodness. I could do that; that's certainly a possibility. Thank you! (I'm excited now. I'll put up a listing after I get home from work.)

smilinghelps

Good luck, PM me a link to your auction--I'll do what I can to spread the word.

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Malone

Separation sucks when you're really in love. Hope things get better. Don't do anything drastic or self-harming.

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blackthorn

Aww man, that sucks.... I'm sorry you feel that way, Remedy. Do you have a journal or a notebook or something? Whenever I'm in a shitty mood, I write about it in my journal and it makes me feel a little relieved. Try that.

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tristiano

That is a really nice idea. Remedy, I feel for you, two weeks nearly killed me, I'm a sissy. When my partner is out of my reach, I hang out with my friends as much as possible, and they understand why I need to see them so much. Do you know anyone in the airline business? Perhaps someone who has to travel for work could get an extra ticket.

I know it is tempting to try to not think of your partner at all, shut them out of your mind to minimize the pain, but it is a bad idea. Also, don't hook up with someone just to make you forget about him. You probably weren't thinking about either of those, but unlike smilinghelps I don't have excellent advice on tap. If I did, I would tell you, even though you think I'm a stupid immature teenager.

If I was not nearly as unreachable as him, I would hug you and be there for you.

Clench your teeth. You are alive. You have a bright future. No matter the distance, if you love him, you will find a way if you keep up your hope. Don't give up yet.

If you aren't comfortable telling him what's on your mind, you have other concerns. He will understand, and probably feels the same way. Let him help with the cost of the ticket if he wants to. The reason he wants to help pay for it is because he wants to see you. If he didn't want to see you, he wouldn't pull the "gentleman" thing anyways.

If you ever need to talk you can PM me, if you don't still think I'm stupid...

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