tucanbundy

I have some random updates for those of you who care.

As you may or may not know, I became crippled as a result of a nervous system attack brought on by heroin last year.

I started doing yoga because I heard that it has cured some cripples.I can't believe this, but it appears to be working.I can now get onto my knees and actually stand on them.That may sound like a minor accomplishment, but after hearing I'll never walk again it's fucking incredible.

I'm still constantly craving heroin.I've avoided it so far.However, to take the edge off life I have been using other drugs.Nothing too serious.A few days ago I watched Eraserhead on acid, and I gotta say it was the most fucked up experience I've ever had using it.I use ecstasy infrequently but it doesn't help much.It just makes me too high strung.I'm buying mushrooms today because I've never tried them.I'm a little worried I'll become dependent on drugs again, but so far so good.

I've started writing my own stand up comedy material.I have a lot of stage experience and I always wanted to be an actor.Failing that, I'll be a comedian.This is my opening joke:
"I know, you wanted to see a STAND UP comedian."

I wouldn't base all the jokes around being crippled.My sense of humor is fairly dark and morbid and often laced with pop culture references, so that'll probably be what it is.

Anybody remember the show Mystery Science Theater 3000?It's my all time favorite TV show.As people who read my posts know, I'm a parody writer.My current book Plagiarism is based entirely around this concept.Currently the book is on hiatus (as of Chapter 17, Dumbland Empire) because I wanted to write a full chapter homage to MST3K.

I call the chapter Play MSTie For Me (a MSTie, pronounced misty, is a fan of Mystery Science Theater 3000).I wrote it entirely in script format and it's pretty much nothing but pop culture references.I was planning on posting it, but for some reason I don't feel like I should.I don't know, tell me what you think.I'll send it to you if you want.

I also wrote a few parody songs for my book I'll be posting at some point.

I've rediscovered schediaphilia recently.It was something I was into as a child and appears to have stuck to me.To those of you who don't know or don't care, schediaphilia is a sexual attraction to a cartoon character.Robert Crumb and Walt Disney are examples of schediaphiles.Anyone ever seen Cool World?Think of it like that.I'm planning on writing a short story called Drawn To You about a guy who becomes desperately in love with a cartoon character and eventually goes crazy over it.To assure that I get sued over this I chose to use the titular chartacter of the obscure anime show Cardcaptor Sakura because, as I put it when I watched the English version of the show as a teenager, "she's fucking hot."

I've become more social and started hanging out with my friends again.After I got out of the hospital, I was so ashamed I cut off all contact with the human race.I started going out again and I feel way better.Yes, I'm still depressed, but this is a start.I'm quite proud of myself.

Interesting thing I've noticed.If I'm out with somone else, noone will talk to me, they'll talk to my friend.The conclusion I came to for this is either (a) everyone is handiphobic or (b) if I'm with someone, I might be unable to communicate by myself.I think it can go either way.That's interesting since I live in one of the most liberal minded cities in the country.

Little kids piss me off.They just stare at me.It's fucking creepy.

People are nicer to the handicapped, I've found.They open doors for me, grab stuff that's high up, etc.The inability to grab high stuff is weird to me.I'm 6'3 and I've always been the one to grab things for other people, now the roles are reversed and I'm a fucking roller hobbit.

Other people that deserve to be eviscerated with a spatula in front of their children are these overly positive dickwads who come up to me and clap like a psychopath, going "it is SO great that you're out!I'm so proud of you!Look at you go up that hill!I'm so happy for you!"These pie eyed lunatics drive me crazy.They instantly assume I'm retarded and in need of constant praise.The next one of these assholes who does this to me will be the ones with the brain damage.My legs don't work, but that doesn't mean I can't still punch people.

It's been a few years since a bunch of people died in this country.From 2002 until 2006, I wrote a book called Refused Classification.It was based entirely around parodies of current events.During this time, the world just fed me storylines.My current book (from 2006 onwards) has characters based on Ted Haggard and Mary Kay Letourneau, but other than that the only world events that worked for the story were the fire and gay marriage.A bunch of people need to die or I'm gonna run out of stories.

I went out to buy a couple movies a few days ago.While I was out I saw DVDs for XPW TV.To those of you outside LA County, XPW TV was this hilarious wrestling show like ten years ago.I'm not really a wrestling fan, but I loved that show.The characters were hilarious.Angel The Hardcore Homo, Homeless Jimmy, The Messiah, who if I recall correctly was supposed to be Jesus, and a John Wayne Gacy rip off called Pogo The Clown.The coup de grace of the whole thing is they were run by a porno company called Extreme Associates run by Rob Black and Tom Byron.If you've ever seen any of Extreme's movies, you'd think that's funny, too.

My friend Dave, who is white, got really upset over me using the n word recently.He seemed to take it personally.I don't understand this.I know the implications with the word, but the fact is that it's completely neutral.It's how you use it that makes it offensive.He's a movie dork like I am, but unlike me he's into the more famous stuff while I'm a cult based guy.He asked what I thought were the worst movies I've ever seen.I said Manos The Hands Of Fate, Eyes Wide Shut, The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Became Mixed Up Zombies!!?, Babes In Toyland, and a certain half-hour movie from Denmark.He took it so seriously, but I tried to point out that I didn't name the movie and it's not my fault that it sucked.He asked if it was a porno and I said no, so he wanted to see it.I had him watch it and he agreed that it sucked but said that he'd never say the name.I don't understand why he took it so seriously.Words are only as offensive as you let them be.If you ignore them, they're powerless.

My younger sister Jaz had a kid recently.I have two nephews now, but I've never met either of them.I feel terrible about this, but what I feel even worse about is she has no idea that I was in the hospital.I haven't seen her since Steph's funeral and I think that this would be too much to handle.Not only is her supposedly reliable big brother a recovering junkie, but he's also a cripple.Not only does she not know, but my two younger brothers don't know.I'm pretty much going through this by myself.

I'm in a horrible writer's block.I never would have thought that with parody I can run out of storylines.I'm a life long couch potato, I should be able to do any story I want, but I'm stuck.It pisses me off.I suck at it, but I really do love writing.I just haven't posted any because every chapter in my book is way too long.I email it to people, that's pretty much the only way it gets read.I'm way too lazy to make a website for it.

I really want to have a kid.I don't know why.Just someone to depend on me.

Well, thank you for reading my mindless wittering.

__________________

The Hack

A minor accomplishment, are you kidding? I don't think people are going to say, "hell, you should be running a marathon by now".

The cartoon thing is kind of funny (although I realize you're probably beings serious). How about the animated girl from those E-insurance commercials - I'd do her.


It's good to hear you're showing signs of optimism, tucan.

tucanbundy

Wasn't there a commercial where she was on Space Ghost Coast To Coast?

__________________

alanmt

Dude, congrats on your progress and best wishes for a continuing recovery.

Don't have a kid until you are 100% drug free of illegal drug use.

and wtf at Eraserhead on acid - its freaking bad enough with an unaltered consciousness!

__________________
Interdum feror cupidine partium magnarum europe vincendarum

The Hack

As the father of three, I very much agree. If you have kids with the idea that it will bring stability to your life, you are sorely mistaken. It's hard enough to keep it together with kids when you already have your house in order.

tucanbundy

That's probably true.I'll try to clean my life up before I have a kid.

This'll take time for sure, but that's to be expected.

I feel too young to have a kid anyway.


EDIT - I posted the parody songs I mentioned.

__________________

Malone

Mystery...Science...Theater...
Three thousanddddd!!

I fucking love that show. I used to watch it every saturday morning when I was in middle school.

Mushrooms are much more intense than acid. When they come on you'll feel like you've taken too much and been poisoned, but that's normal and just let it pass. Then you'll be overtaken by a near-heroin like feeling of happiness. How much weight did you get?
You're doing non-addictive drugs like LSD and mushrooms are good. You can't really get physically hooked on those. If you need a heroin alternative, I've found that you can get morphine patches (you should have no problem getting them if you're crippled I would assume) then slice them open and take out the morphine solution inside and freebase it. It's actually soaked into the gauze, so all you have to do is cut off little patches of the gauze and smoke them. It's quite intense and works to fix things. Mail me one if you get them, though. I've also cooked down morphine pills and shot them up, but that's getting back into dangerous territory.

__________________
There Is A Policeman Inside All Our Heads: He Must Be Destroyed


Malone's Mind
Everyday Madness Kindle Edition

AA

Hey, that's alot of progress actually. When I read your post the first time and it said you still had feeling, even though you couldn't use your legs, I thought 'I bet that's the type of handicap that people end up miraculously recovering from'. I hope you do.

Also, you sound like you're improving in all aspects of your life. Keep improving. Things will keep getting better.

__________________
There's not much else to say about that.

HippoHead

Everyone has said the stuff that needs to be said, so i'm just gonna throw this in: 'Drawn to you' - a PERFECT title!